BHFF,

I hadn't read your story until today. You are doing well, all things considered. Certainly much better than whne you began posting here!

You have exposed at work, and that's a good thing.
What is WW's attitude toward quitting work and finding another job?

The roller coaster is normal, for sure. It will calm down a lot when there is NO CONTACT (including "just friends" at "just work" type of contact).

What actions did you and WW take to ensure OM cannot contact her again in the manner he did recently? How did you plug that hole?

They work together, plugging that hole is impossible until she find other employment.

She still does not see this marriage working out, or I should say is scared it wont work and then will not have a job. Financial Security is on of my wife's biggest emotional needs. She is not opposed to other work, but we have to find some.

I think I am better, still every once and a when the fear of losing my family catches me, like yesterday, I go into freak out mode.

Counseling helps, but mostly pulling myself up with the help of everyone here has been the biggest change for the good.

Is she actively pursuing other employment?

At their job, are your WW and OM in a position where one reports to the other?

BHFF,
I just read your entire post and I am praying for you. We sound like we have similar WW's. I wish I would have done what you did about 12 months ago. I am still struggling with a M that is all but shattered. I am hanging on by a thread and have just recently and only God knows why been trying to recover my M. I hope things are not too late for me. You seem to be getting some great advice and following through. I am in no position to give you advice other than do not wait, don't procrastinte, don't hesitate, don't let fear hold you back from taking the advice on this site. I denied an EA/PA for a long time and watched it destroy my M and failed to take swift and strong action as the others have been advising. I am now in a serious uphill battle. I have moved out, WW is running wild, no regard for our M, lost my respect, but yet surprisingly enough, I feel compelled to continue to try and fight for my M.

Learn from my mistake and take the advice of the wise ones on this site.

I wish you the best of luck and I pray for you.

So-The roller coaster continues and hopped on and rode again. We got into a big fight last night, she started talking about separating, and more ugliness came out. Lovebusters for me, tried to have conversation and she started yelling, I asked her not to, she yelled louder, she thinks I laughed, so on and so on. Anyway, after a night of no sleep and pacing the floors I was done. Done trying to carry the emotional load, done being the only one who wanted to work this out. I have heard it a hundred times, "I dont know" "It cant work" "It wont work" So at 4 AM I was done. Ready to stop carrying the load, ready to throw in the towel. Reason- I know They say one person can save the marriage, but if the other is convinced there is no way, I dont know. So I told her this was it, I am doing the figures on the house and budgets and child support and a change- Now she is scared, now she wants to go back into counseling, she is calling me at work checking on me. Up and down and round and round when does the ride stop?

You just did a 180.

I have said it time and again. She created an emotional vacuum to maintain control of you. But she pushed it to far. You rebel and created an emotional vacuum on her. Now she wants to go back to counseling. You have now taken power back in your marriage. This is what I said about getting up in her grill. Funny how you standing up to her and putting your foot down has caused her to respect you. And to fear life without you. I think she does still love you. But she must win you back. You're not a jerk (not by what you posted) But you are starting to realize that you weren't a bad husband either. You are a fireman who had to stay at work a couple of days at a time and she felt she deserved to have another man too. Funny how lovebusters and all happened, but in the end she now wants to go back into counseling. This is the first time I actually feel positive that you may work this out. Marriage can live on respect alone. But love cannot live without respect. Your wife is worried about her financial security. To me that is her keeping one foot out of the marriage. Do you love her? Yes. Will you dump her if loses her job. No. But she wants the ability to be able to walk away if she feels like it. Sorry. Choose. Marriage or job. There is nothing wrong with you requiring a sacrifice on her side. After all you had to sacrifice your marriage because she wanted sex and another man.

No I dont think I was a bad husband either. Maybe not a great husband, but not a bad one. But Hopefully this is a positive sign. Thanks Ouch.

What you have to watch for is him walking around work like some kind of martyr to love and her thinking "Oh, look at him, he is so noble in telling me to work on my marriage". This could be just as dangerous. Thats why she needs to be gone from that job.

BHFF,

You are at the beginning of this whole process. You need to plug that hole of contact at work.

WW needs to quit that job. Period. This will be the nail in the coffin, if this doesn't happen, you will remain in this limbo .... going nowhere.

All these things that WW are saying, this is fog babble. They all say it, we've all heard it.
This is the stuff that you ignore, you change the subject, start to sing a song, whatever .....

Challenging her leads to a ping pong game and goes nowhere, leads to LBing, anger and frustration as you have seen.

Yes, you do have to carry the load .... for now.

WW needs to see YOU in control of the M.

You are still fighting this A, nip this in the butt!

Reread the carrot and the stick of Plan A.

But, you are stuck, until she quits that job, where she can get her fix.

Vittoria,
I agree totally with this. My H and the SOW worked together also. Once they no longer worked together (right after Dday2) is when my H began to come out of the "Just Friends" fog and really began to see exactly what his relationship with the SOW was. We argued and fought, and I cried for 4 months (the time that they continued to work with her) before he began to see, which was AFTER they stopped working together ever day .....

NO CONTACT, even at work, FOR LIFE!!
BHFF ~ You WILL NOT be able to get through this and start to recover as long as your WW is still working with and see the OM every day. There's just not way....

BHFF,

Listen to JoJo, she has been in your shoes, many others can testify to her nightmare.

The $$$ lost with WW quitting will not cost you nearly as much as what a D will.

You've come this far, you need to finish the plan.
You have to have faith in this board and other's experiences.

Read some other threads of BH who hesitated with full NC and see how their sitch went, and some threads of those who acted the full fight of the A out.

I can't think of specific ones, maybe someone else can suggest a couple.

I can't remember, did you expose to WW workplace??

BHFF,
Your wife needs to find another job NOW

I feel for you. I remember that terrible pain that I experience EVERY DAY when H went to work and the SOW was still working there. Knowing that they would be seeing each other, knowing that I had NO WAY OF KNOWING what was going on between them during work hours.

My FWH did look for another job between DDay1 and Dday2 just not very hard. HE kept saying that the SOW should leave the company since he'd been there longer. I told him that I understood that but that as long as he worked with her then we were doomed, and I meant it. Had it gone on much longer, we would be in Plan D right now. I (we) got lucky though, 2 weeks after Dday2 she quit.

I agree with MelodyLane and others that say allowing your WS to continue to work with their affair partner is like sending a drunk to a bar everyday and expecting them not to drink.
JoJo

Read this excellent post by Chrisner about how using MB principles affected his xW's affair...
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2243582#Post2243582

The most pertinent part...

dh104,
That is an excellent example, and there are hundreds of more just like this one, of what happens when the AP's continue to work together even if they are not in the same building.

There are 2 things that you MUST do if you want your M to even have a chance of surviving.....

EXPOSE......EXPOSE.....EXPOSE
AND
NO CONTACT.....NO CONTACT....NO CONTACT
and this means NO CONTACT FOR LIFE
JoJo

I agree with all of you. But this is one of the most delicate issues (money, financial security) we have dealt with in our marriage. Like I said, we are working to it as quickly as we can.

Reference an above post- Is a "180" a MB term? I hadn't heard that one yet.

Also-
Things continue to seem to improve. We both have things to work out, but we have a date tomorrow, and next week that we are looking forward to. She is almost excited about the counseling session tomorrow (this one is just for her). So fingers crossed, hands folded (prayer), rabbits foot in the pocket, and more hard work things look promising.

Now it seems I have finally given some thought to my feelings and emotions and now have to deal with them. She is much more willing to talk about and even approach me to see how I am doing. That is a huge change from the last month, she seemed more selfish and self-centered before the "180". For anyone readig these posts- Strength can be found many places but this site and these posters have done as much to encourage my strength as anything. I do believe that strength has to come from within but it helps when you have good people like those here encouraging you to look in an find it. Thanks to all, I will keep everyone updated.

Is a transfer possible? Is her resume in order? Has she put in applications elsewhere? What is she doing to find a new job? Has exposure been done at the workplace?

Thankyou dh104 for finding this.

This would scare the H3ll out of me if my WS got even a glimpse of AP.
It just simply would not be worth it.

BHFF, continue to keep your eyes open, snoop, keep your boundaries intact ... no relaxing, remain cautious.
This is not over yet ... it's too soon, and almost is sounding too easy.

You sound more grounded, this is good, it's too bad though that you are unable to trust the advice about NC.

It's spring time, could your WW not do spring cleaning for $$$ until something else comes up?

NC is only as delicate a situation as you make it.

Take care.

We continue to trudge on, she seems to be on the up and up. No amount of snooping has found any contact.

When does it become easier to trust again? I want to, I can find no evidence of cheating, but still have trouble. She has changed greatly since the "180" but still doesn't meet some of my emotional needs. I dont even know if it is time to discuss them. But I am trying very hard to be good, no lovebusters, just trying to get through the days.

BTW another job is coming!

Update-
Working hard to spend more time together. Still in counseling. This counselor is much better than the first. (At least she can remember our names) We talked some more about the A. Details later