EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING!!! You and I think too much alike....scary!

Maybe we're each other's dopplegangers.

Better than an incubus, that's for sure. Although I do like, Incubus!

So, no drinky drinks for both of us since Easter and it's been nice. No fighting over stupid things and no arguements in bed.

Last night, we were both reading. I had my nose in HNHN's and he was reading The Explosive Child. I am home today and so I plan to read quite a bit more. Wasn't feeling well this morning and I probably could have gone in to work, but decided to kick it at home with the kids since they're off for Spring break.

Spartan asked me twice if everything was ok and if it was only my stomach that was bothering me. Both times I said yes. I know he means well with comments like that, but it makes me feel like a) he doesn't trust me and b) he thinks I'm mentally insane and incapable of expressing my feelings. My biological father gave my mother a necklace with a pendant on it with the saint of the mentally insane (whoever that is) and engraved it with my name on it. To this day, it makes me furious! So comments like that are a trigger for me. I explained that to him before he left and he took it the wrong way and said, "I just won't say anything anymore". *sigh* That's not what I meant at all.

Sparky...

Is it any wonder that Sparty doesn't trust you? Really he would be a fool to trust you right now...You need to accept that you aren't trusted right now and it will take loads of time along with trustworthy actions on your part in order to restablish any sort of trust...Fair enough?

Sparty is NOT your biological father and you need to keep that stuff separate...It is incredibly unfair for you to put him in that position...

Did you think for a minute about him? That perhaps he was questioning you out of his own VALID insecurity right now? That he was looking for reassurance that it wasn't anything else besides your stomach? Empathy, Sparky, empathy...Stop shooting at your husband...He is ON YOUR TEAM!!!

Mrs. W

Should he trust you?

Have your actions over the past years been sane?

Well said Mrs. W.

Exactamundo.

(not affliated in any way with TELEmundo!)



Sparkly dear, I know your hurtin' too...and it's an enourmous hurt...but a heartfelt wooza from you and your arms around him telling him you love him and are there for him will go a million and one miles in a positive direction for him for awhile.

Trust.

(Doncha just LOVE you some Mrs. Dubya? I know I do!)

Do you have Dr. Harley's Love Busters book? I'm wondering if it would be more beneficial for the two of you to work on eliminating the LBs first so the ENs can have the full effect. LB withdrawals tend to be bigger than the ENs deposit.

Just a thought.

Very good point, Dragonfly.

You guys are da bomb! And yes, I undersand now that he was asking just to validate his own insecurity. The old me would have taken the kids to camp so I could see the OM. But this is the new, still tarnished but shining through Sparky. I kept the kids home with me and have taken them EVERYWHERE with me. We met Spartan for lunch (which I used to deny him) because I knew it would mean a lot to him. DS2 didn't want to go, but tough!

We talked and laughed quite a bit which was nice. I also took Gidget (our 8yr old cat) to the vet for a check up and yearly shots. Then we went to Target and I got healthier snacks for the kids, socks and boxers for the boys and a few other necessities. No retail therapy for mom which was difficult but achievable.

We don't have the LoveBusters book yet but plan on getting it after we finish what is currently on in line. By the time we're through reading, there shouldn't be any excuses for failure.

Yes, I'm trying very hard to be trusted again although I do get frustrated that it can't be gained overnight.

Spartan laughed at me because I was surfing the Net trying to find the actual name of that saint and came across "St. Lucifer's Asylum". It's a haunted house that supposed to be pretty gruesome and since he knows how much I hate horror movies, he gave me this "holy smokes" look and said, "How in the WORLD did you EVER come across that?!"

Counseling tonight and then the big weekend starting Fri. night. Baby steps....even with these size 9's.

Sparky,

Something that Mr. W pointed out to me about Sparty's questioning you was that he was likely also asking because he is taking more care when it comes to you...That he wants an intimate connection with you and wasn't willing to just blow off your problems whatever they were...He wanted to KNOW...How great is that? Go hug that husband of yours kiddo...Sounds like he loves you more than you know...

Sparky...This counseling deal you keep referring to...What exactly are you getting out of that? Some of the things you say make me concerned that you are placing too much emphasis on things of the past...stuff from your childhood for instance...I know that MANY counselors keep you stuck in the past rather than leading you to deal with the stuff that is CURRENT...That kind of counseling can be harmful actually...There is NOTHING you can do to change the past and often times rooting around in that stuff keeps you stuck in misery and prevents you from LIVING...What do you think?

Mrs. W

P.S. Thanks tst and Kimmy...the two of you have been incredible on this thread yourselves...

Hey sweetie!

I'll start with the counseling since it will be a good segway into your first paragraph.

We're going to a Christian marriage and family therapist as a couple. She knows our individual upbringings (as a basis to see some of our triggers from the past) but sticks to bringing our marriage into what God desires for us. She always opens with asking us individually how our week was with each other and that usually starts off the topic. Last night, we talked about the Easter explosion and also his comment to me about whether or not my stomach was the only thing bothering me and how I reacted.

She gave us some "homework" and wants us to work on specificity on apologies to each other and the kids and also questions to each other so that we can gain more intimacy between us.

For instance when Spartan asked me if my stomach was the only thing bothering me, the miscommunication would have been headed off at the pass if he had asked more specifically "Does your head hurt, too or is it just your stomach?". It turns out that that's actually what he meant.

We're to stay away from broad statements and questions. Great example...."How are you?" "Good". If that happens, we're to follow up with something more specific. "Is your stomach still feeling crummy?"

I read up to chapter 6 in HNHN's and left off at Recreational Fulfillment. Last night over dinner, I told him what my favorite part of the day is and why. And then I asked the same of him. What I realized is that neither one of us knew the answer to that about each other.

Ya know, I'm very girlie but sometimes when I read this book I feel like I have the men's perspective on some of these things.

So tonight begins our "Weekend to Remember" and we're both really excited about it! Tonight is registration and a short 2hr intro. Tomorrow is a full day and they request that you plan a romantic evening together that night. Sunday is a wrap up for just a few hours and then dismissal at noon.

I'll let everyone know how it went! There will be lots of Christian fellowship and I'm looking forward to meeting new couple's friends and girlfriends.

tst...I'm almost finished with the book!

Oh...praying good stuff for your weekend!

We'll be praying for you both. Have a great time!

Family Life is a great bunch, BTW, at least for a bunch from Arkansas...

Mark

Hi, Sparky. Wondering how it went. Hope it went well.

Mornin' darlin.

Thought about you both this weekend and hoped you were learning lots and lots.

Hey guys!

Thanks for all of the thoughts and well wishes for us on our weekend.

The conferences were wonderful and gave us many Christian tools in order to base our marriage off of. Since I'm going to MB school right now, the FamilyLife program seemed to me like a basic overview for me. It just didn't do as much for me as the Dr. H's book. *shrug* Spartan on the other hand really enjoyed it which was good. I think that he may gather so much more from MB. I sooooo wish that we would afford to do a weekend. Maybe we will be able to do a phone call with them. We'll talk about that tonight.

I had a very hard time softening up while we were there. I could feel myself throwing up a cold, steel wall and getting defensive and annoyed when I would see couples who were truly connected with each other. And in no short order, I decided that it was the adversary wedging his way in because he knows how fragile the state of our marriage is. One more fracture in our relationship may be the one to break us entirely. I don't want to sound like I'm paranoid or a total freak for believing that it's the adversary attacking me but that's how I feel.

I've taken the day off today (could hardly get out of bed even after crashing last night at 7:30). I know I'm very deeply depressed and I desperately want help. I'll talk to my Dr. on Friday about a supplement to Lexapro. This is nuts. If you knew me when I was whole, you wouldn't recognize me now. I feel hopelessly stuck and trapped in the dark and I feel like the light inside of me is dying.

Spartan and I agreed that in our marriage, we have emotional gender reversals. He enjoys being cuddled and saying sweet nothings. I would rather hurry up and get it done so that we can go out and do things. I've been wrestling with this for a while and I really don't like the dynamics of it all. It's confusing and causing problems.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NIV)

.."For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

The adversary enjoys leading your thinking astray. He wants to take your mind and in the end take your soul.

Stay focused!

Get your rear in gear and get busy working on one thing at a time!

That scares me beyond belief....honestly I wanted to ask for a circle of prayer this weekend, but didn't. I did however write a very lengthy, DETAILED AND SPECIFIC prayer request and submitted it in the box. They had people there who prayed all weekend long for everyone there. There were times where I could feel myself being lifted up but then came crashing down again. I will NOT submit to the adversary!! In stead of looking stunned, saying "this isn't happening to me" I need to stand up and scream "THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO ME!"

This is my primary focus. Thank you for posting that scripture and for caring. I am so grateful...