Didn't answer the whole question. Here's another chance: Are you willing to take a polygraph that includes that question?

I've already started. It was nice being able to hear my phone ring and ask him if he could get it for me.


I do love to shop with a group of girls, my mum or have coffee with my girlfriend of 16 years. Those will be hard to give up, but I know I can do it.

Absolutely! This is my only "social networking".

Why would it be hard to give anything up that might cause your BH to feel uneasy, insecure, frightened, or anything similar?

Why would it not THRILL YOU to do those things for him?

You continue to look at everything from YOUR perspective. That's what people mean when they say it's still all about you.

Spartan should not have to ASK you to give up IBs. You should be eager to give it up REGARDLESS of whether he asks. THAT is how he will begin to feel safe one day. If you only give up what he requires, you miss the opportunity to give him what he deserves in this marriage...safety, protection, and care.

Have you considered putting a kelogger on all computers that you use and making him the administrator?

How about a GPS that is tracked by him?

To make your EPs really mean something, MS, you need to think of all the ways you took Spartan out of the loop and all the ways you engaged in your affair.

Then, ask yourself these questions:

How can I bring Spartan into the loop in a way that I cannot remove him without him knowing?

and

How can I close the door on the avenues I used to engage in the affairs?

Think of how you can make yourself accountable at work.

To be honest, I really don't have much of a desire to go anywhere without him. We've been together ever since last Mon.

Can you and Spartan meet for lunch everyday?

tst comes home everyday and has lunch with me and our children. Everyday but Friday, when he attends a Bible study luncheon. There are two men at that Bible study that hold him accountable and will contact me if something doesn't seem right with him. I also will contact them at anytime to verify he is attending the meeting or to have them check up on him.

This is something tst put into place WITHOUT my asking. He went to extra lengths to make me feel safe during the few (very few) activities he does without me.

Be creative and go the extra mile....or ten.

1. All passwords for my work e-mail account, Yahoo account, High Flight Society MySpace account and voice mail will be shared with you ONLY.

4. Business lunches will be taken only when another female is present and NEVER with OM.

16. I will not allow another man to solicit relationship advice from me. I will refer him to you, Marriage Builders or a professional counselor.

18. All trips with girlfriends will be made with someone you know and have their cell number.

Completely agree with PM.

You should not be making trips out with girlfriends. Dr. H says that for spouses to fall in love again, the funnest times need to be spent together.

Everytime you choose to go hang with your girlfriends, you are giving up time with Spartan and opportunities to meet his ENs.

I've already thought about that, but we work 45 minutes away from each other. That's why in earlier posts, I said that I would always have a female coworker (that he knows) join me at lunch. If she can't, I will stay in and he can call me on the LAN line.

The times that I would meet OM that are triggers for Spartan, I have put boundaries in place.

It was during lunch and on my Friday's off. Lunch is covered but I need to address the Friday off on my EP. I never go out to happy hour with coworkers or anything and never came home late. It was all done at lunch and on the Friday off.

I have off this Friday, but I'm booked solid with taking the boys to school, dentist appt., hair appt., lunch with Spartan, painting the den and then picking up the kids and getting dinner made before he gets home.

Before, I would lie to him and tell him that I was going to the gym or some other place where I "might not be able to be reached".

How about an EP that you will never be alone with any man unless you have Spartan's prior approval?

Unless it is the Maytag repairman, I will not consider this an option.

I have added these to the list.

19. On my Friday’s off, I will tell you my whereabouts and text you a picture of where I am. I will be available for you any time throughout the day and will meet you for lunch. I will not drive any further south of Newbury Park that day without your approval first.

20. I will share my calendar with you so you will always know my schedule of appointments. I will call you when I arrive there and also when I leave.

21. I will text you when I am in a meeting at work and will also text you when we adjourn.

Although I haven't posted much, I sincerely hope your finally "Getting it".

How is the withdrawal from the OM coming along?

Do you have coping mechanisms for when you feel those pangs?

Have you approached Spartan with that scenario in mind when it might happen in the future?

What plans have you made in the event that OM breaks NC from his end?

Is there any chance of running into OM while out and about? What do you and Spartan have planned in case this happens?

Sparky,

Keep in mind that your EPs need to develop into a lifestyle. That is, they need to become something you can do all the time, every day, for the rest of your life with Spartan without having to refer to a list or renegotiate the meaning at a later date.

That is the problem with EPs. It's easy to sit down and write out a list of thing we are willing to do and feel we have fulfilled the requirements but can you actually live your life according to the list?

For example: #18 was pointed out as being something you might want to consider putting a little more thought into. It sounds so noble to say "I will not go with ____ unless you know who ____ is." But what that means in the construct related to EPs is pretty weak at best. My wife's affair was sustained by visits to a girlfriend near where OM lived and began with trips to take care of her step-mother and late father's house while SM was on active duty.

But the real problem here is in arriving at a list of things you will do to show Spartan that you are thinking of him, his well being and his protection. As long as it is a list of rules (dos and don'ts) you are merely working within a structure that is confining your life and constantly focusing it into a smaller and smaller area. It will become so restrictive eventually that you will rebel and when that happens the whole process goes out the window.

A list of EPs has to demonstrate a change but that change doesn't have to take place in actions. It needs to be a change in attitude and desire to make the marriage a priority and so the spouse a priority as well.

In context of #18, your attitude needs to become one of wanting to be with Spartan more than doing anything at all away from him. I am not saying that you can never have any time alone or to visit with friends, but visiting with friends needs to be modified into having only friends that are friends of the marriage as well and only when it does not require sacrifice by Spartan.

You see this all comes back to real vs false repentance. Real repentance is a change in how you think that is reflected in the way you act. False repentance is a change in actions without any real consideration given to the underlying reason the change is necessary.

My wife and I no longer have little kids that require a lot of time. We no longer have the horse that takes her out on weekends though in all honesty it was something we did together more often than not. We don't have lots of demands on our time but still struggle with finding 15 hours per week that we can be together. She works 8 - 4:30 M-F. I work...10-6 or 9-4 or 8-8 or 6:30 till 10:45...and work most Saturdays, have some Mondays off...It gets NUTZ trying to figure out when to be together with no one else around.

And that is the whole problem with writing an escape with friends into your EPs. Every second you are with others and not with him means time apart. It allows for a separation in your lives that makes you less connected in the long run. In order to become reconnected and feel safe around each other you are going to have to spend almost all of your time together except when it is impossible to do so. He works, you work and then you get together. Yes I know that there will be things that need to happen outside of work and that 100% family and couple time gets old pretty fast...

But if you do this kind of commitment and actually learn to spend your time together productively (meeting each others ENs) then your time together will become the high point of your day and not another chore.

I'm not saying your list is bad or that anything needs to be added or deleted. I am saying that you need to consider the list as an indication of the changes that already exist within yourself and not a set of rules that will make your life a box that you will eventually need to escape from.

I said before and will say again that there is nothing that Spartan can do to ensure your faithfulness. In fact there is nothing anyone can do, no rule, list of activities, list of prohibitions or anything or anyone else who can guarantee that you will remain faithful in the future. You have to do that yourself, Sparky.

Picture breakfast...A plate containing bacon and eggs... The eggs are from a chicken and the bacon comes from a pig. The chicken is involved in breakfast and contributes to breakfast and breakfast couldn't happen without the chicken...

But the PIG is committed to it...

It isn't the sacrifice that counts but the purpose for which the sacrifice is being made.

Mark

> To my surprise, I was hugged, loved and forgiven.

Remember that they may have forgiven, but they have not forgotten.

This is a precious thing you've been granted. It would hurt these people very badly if you were to fly in the face of their heartfelt love and revert to former ways.

(((MS)))

I am glad you told them.

Spartan can see it in my eyes and feel it in my hugs that I'm getting it. I can feel it in my heart that it's happening.

I'm not really feeling withdrawal right now because I'm too wrapped up in repairing my marriage.

If I ever do think about him, I tell myself that "I do not owe him ANYTHING". I also pray for deliverance.

This is something we need to talk about, but I have already started writing up a very simple plan.

Any written correstpondence from him will be unopened by me and forwarded to Spartan. If he ever sees me or tries to contact me through someone else, I will leave the situation and let Spartan know.