I'm purposly avoiding places that he may be and don't go out to lunch alone. I'm always with a group of coworkers.

I'm going to write up a plan that Spartan and I will follow. It will be fairly simple and succinct.

MS, I know this is early on but you and Spartan might need to seriously consider moving and leaving the area if OM is in this close of proximity.

We were in So Cal and 15 months into recovery we did this...it was probably one of the best decisions we ever made. What made it even better is that it was FWH's idea and HE is the one who really got the ball rolling for this to happen.

Thank you, dear. I'm glad I did too!

I came to church without any makeup, my hair up in a clip and just some capris, a couple of layered tank tops and flip flops and one of the members said, you look really good today! I said, "It's because before, I was full of lies and now I've come clean". She smile and said, "COOL!!"

Mark1952:

A reply is coming. Don't want you to think your wisdom was for not.

Instead of picture texts why not put the GPS on your car or on your phone?

We counseled with Jennifer last night for 2hrs and it was the best teaching session we've ever had in our lives! Best money we've ever spent on help for our marriage.

She actually spend more time with Spartan one on one since he isn't as familiar with the MB program. But she did agree that we both have a lot of work ahead of us in order to get to that beautiful narrow path of marriage that it should be.

Since I am at work, I will post just the highlights for all of you.

I read her my list of EP's and she had me add the following 4 things.

1. I am will review my EP's 2x daily and add sublists to some of the items.

2. Make the 15hrs per week with Spartan happen.

3. Make 15hrs per week with our boys happen.

4. Time with friends can happen once the time with Spartan and the boys has been fulfilled. Cannot be cumulative. It will be a total of 30 separate hours.

Neither one of us is to make deposits in anyone's love bank. This includes answerin questions such as "how are you doing?". If we are out at a restaurant, I will place the order for us if it is a female server and he will place the order for us if it is a male server.

This is her plan for us that we will be setting in to motion with our counselor starting with our next appointment tomorrow.

Me: Accountability with my EP's. I saw a thread about having an MB sponsor which would work perfectly because I am to work with someone to review how I'm staying on track and if I've learned anything new. This will also be shared with Spartan. If any MB women are interested in taking me under their wing, please let me know.

Us: What are our needs? We are to create a list of our 5 most important needs and to come up with "I love it when _____________" statements for each other.

Us: Put these things into motion and make a review sheet for each other entitled "My spouses needs". We need to get together and review them with each other and ask how we can improve the quantity / quality of the things that we've been doing.

Us: Schedule 15 hrs per week with each other. I've read this in the HNHN's book and will read it to Spartan. (That counts for part of the 15hrs!).

Us: Identify our love busters and work on them individually. For me, she named two main ones right off of the bat. independent behaviors and dishonesty. For Spartan it was disrespectful judgements and independent behaviors.

Counselor: Give us assignments based off of this plan. Our counselor has read all of the MB books and has them in her office. She has referenced them while we've been there so I know she will honor this plan. If not, I will look into doing the online courses here.

I will get HNHN's on DVD for Spartan (he doesn't like to read) and I'll check out the Love Busters and Surving An Affair book from the libraray and read them together with him.

I'm fully enrolled in MB University. No more lies, no more deception, no more straying from Christ.

We just got new phones (Blackberry) and I think it has GPS on it. I was looking into that yesterday. I STILL can't figure the stupid thing out because it does so much.

Try settings->options->advanced options->GPS. I'm on an 8310 but yours should be similar.

Mine is the Storm and it has Nav capability so I'm assuming it probably has GPS as well. I'll find out for sure and will set it up.

At $200 a pop for Blackberries how was it the poly was out of reach?

Me doth smell something foul.

My EP's outline a lifestyle that I am willing to commit to in order to keep my marriage sacred. In a healthy marriage, those EP's that I listed are common courties to your spouse (with the exception of the EP's barring the OM).


I can see how that leave a hole but with the plan that Jennifer outlined for me, I really won't have time to dedicate to many friends (which is the way it should be).


I imagine that there are some EP's on the list that may need revision as Spartan and I evolve as a couple, but in order to stay on the narrow path that Jennier explained, we need to focus all of our attention on each other and the kids. This will require a whole change in actions, attitude and focus. Yes, it's going to be a whole new lifestyle for both of us.


I completely understand and will never again require an undo sacrifice of Spartan for my own gain. As I said before, Jennifer's plan for me doesn't allow much time outside of my family.


We're going to have to come up with some very creative ways to spend those 15hrs together with both of us working full time and having the boys' needs to take care of. I brought up having a phone lunch together and maybe doing a devotional together. We'll come up with things together.


I can see how that can happen. We will find a way to figure things out.


This sticks with me, Mark. Thank you.

Buy one get one free, iam. This was something that Spartan requested, not me. It does have GPS which would have been bought anyway to install on my car. Better to have it on my phone so he knows where I am at all times even when I'm not in my car.

Did you get a new phone number with the new phone?

I actually changed my number last week (Tues or Wed...I can't rememember). We got the phones on Fri night.

He changed his number also so his xMOW couldn't randomly text him any longer.

Good job!!

MS, I'm glad to hear Jennifer got you two started on some assignments. tst and I counseled with her, too.

In reference to your above quote, since you carried out much of your affair during lunch AND since both you and Spartan have IB according to Jennifer's assessment, I suggest you FIND A WAY to connect during the lunch hour. I'm really good at brainstorming and coming up with creative ways to make things happen. I believe ANYTHING is possible if you are creative enough. Here are a few ideas...

Can you meet at a half way point?

Can you call ahead to a resturant and have your order waiting?

Can you pack lunches and meet up at the half-way point?

Is it possilbe for you two to find employment in the same city? (Please actually CONSIDER this before saying no.)

What other ideas can you come up with? Don't knock 'em right away, even if they sound crazy or completely undoable. A critical component to BRAINSTORMING is including ALL ideas initially.

Thanks, SMB. I thought about doing a phone lunch with him but he wasn't enthused.

I think that unless we can meet for lunch, I will stay in and cut my lunch hour down to 30 minutes. That way, I can get home 30 minutes earlier and have the evening a little less rushed.

Those 15 hours really aren't that hard to find.

You start out by completely eliminating ALL IBs.

Then eliminate your children's extra-curricular commitments.

All you'll have left are TRUE commitments like work, church, and sleep.

Get a blank weekly calendar and write those TRUE commitments into your schedule.

Put your children to bed at 8 p.m. and schedule from 8 p.m. on as undivided attention (UA) time every evening. Depending on the amount of sleep you need, that will give you anywhere from 5-15 hours JUST COUNTING THE WEEKDAYS.

Find two sitters that are reliable and responsible and find out when the are most easily available on the weekends. That might be Saturday morning, or afternoon, or evening, or Sunday afternoon or early evening. Then schedule them on a rotating basis on your weekends for a date out together.

Church is counted as UA time as long as you are worshipping together and the children are in children's church.

I think right there you would easily be OVER your 15 hours.

To add more in, you can rent a movie for the kids and have them watch it during the weekend while you and Spartan enjoy another 1-2 hours together.

Remember, these 15 hours are spent meeting ENs. That doesn't just mean you only count RC. tst and I love to remodel together and clean/organize rooms together. We enjoy yardwork together. I read aloud to him many evenings. We read MB together some evenings.

Since my top EN is family commitment, tst is meeting my ENs at the same time that he is having those 15+ hours with our kids.

Now if you can make lunch together happen, you'll be way over on your UA.

Do your kids have friends that they play with at their friends' homes? If so, can you coordinate with the parents so that your kids play an hour at their house and then an hour at yours. Both sets of parents win with that scenario.

Or do you have a couple that you could trade babysitting time with? They watch your kids on Saturday evening and you watch theirs the next.

The possibilities are ENDLESS.

Really.

They are.



Only AFTER you and Spartan are consistently and easily meeting your UA time should you consider adding in children's extra activities or activities that you do separately.

MS, the best thing tst and I did for our recovery was eliminate EVERYTHING from our schedule. We sat our kids down that first week of recovery and told them that our family had much healing to do and we needed to be together to do it. We told them that the most important thing for ALL of us was for mommy and daddy to put our marriage ahead of everything else except Christ.

That's the great thing about being honest with them. Because they knew the truth, they were EAGER to be a part of the healing in our family. They gave up their activies enthusiastically.

And we made sure it was worth their while by using our time at home to connect with them, too.

Cutting your lunch short and getting home earlier is a great idea, too.

But I think the best case is if you two can CONNECT in the middle of the day.

It helped me tremendously.

And MS, Spartan MAY not be enthusiastic about much right now. tst was the mover and shaker in our recovery. HE was the one finding ways to connect with me throughout the day. HE made it HIS priority.