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Originally Posted by Dealan-de
Recently my sister was confronted by a former mutual friend that had made moves on my bil (hence FORMER).

Former friend was threatening suicide and my sister told her not to make it a messy one because people are already tired of cleaning up after her.

Whoa. rotflmao

"Forgive" isn't the right word. I could never forgive the wh0re for what she did. She's lower than dogsh*t stuck to the bottom of my shoe, and always will be. Rather, I've chalked it up to it being on her long list of other bad choices, knowing it won't be the last one she makes. The karma bus has hit her in the past, and I know it'll come back for seconds (and thirds) because that's just the type of garbage she is. I've chosen not to let it eat me alive, but like some of the others, if I ever came across her needing my help, I'd probably just spit in her face.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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Hmmmm, at first I felt sorry for her. WH said & did awful things to her & I didn't think anyone deserved that- not even OW. But, then I spoke to her & it all went away. Probably the ugliest, meanest woman I've ever encountered.
I can't say that I've forgiven her (although she sent me a series of texts this fall saying she wished we could put this behind us & be sociable. I'm really not sure what I've done for her to forgive & forget. Other than breathing & being married to the man she decided she wanted.)
she disgusts me, but I choose not to spend my time on earth being bitter & I know she will continue with the poor choices. She's been flattened by the karma bus a few times & I'm sure it will continue.
I do TRY to pray for her ever single day. We had a preacher once that told us to always pray for those we had hard feelings towards. It's very difficult to have ill will towards someone you are praying for. I've found in the past it helps but in this case- some days it's very difficult to muster that prayer.

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I haven't forgiven because for ME, forgiveness must be REQUESTED and that's never been done, nor will it because she cannot find us.

That's ok, I don't need to forgive her in order to move on with my life. In a way it does keep me in the "I-hate-her" mode because I agree with Tabby in that "OW is nothing but a lying, serial cheating, homewrecking piece of toxic waste. I know her in no other capacity than this.".

And from the very little I know of her, she probably still believes she is a VICTIM in all of this, so probably thinks we owe HER an apology. She is not only delusional but pathetic.

It's weird because once in a while, if something DOES remind me of her, I actually feel very sorry for her. But then I remember that she CHOOSES these things...they don't just "happen". Selfishness has it's consequences, afterall.




Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Nope. Knowing that H was just as guilty as she was for engaging in the A, I actually tried to be understanding of how she ended up in an A only to witness what a total nutjob she is. I blame H 100% for his A but she is and always will be the biggest POS low life inflicted with a special brand of stupid. POSOW wasn't sorry for any part of the A and spewed venom at my H and her H to try and justify her disgusting behavior. So while H and skankho are guilty of the same sin, OW continued to be vile towards everyone even after Dday. She can rot.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by MarriedForever
I haven't forgiven because for ME, forgiveness must be REQUESTED and that's never been done, nor will it because she cannot find us.

That's ok, I don't need to forgive her in order to move on with my life. In a way it does keep me in the "I-hate-her" mode because I agree with Tabby in that "OW is nothing but a lying, serial cheating, homewrecking piece of toxic waste. I know her in no other capacity than this.".

And from the very little I know of her, she probably still believes she is a VICTIM in all of this, so probably thinks we owe HER an apology. She is not only delusional but pathetic.

It's weird because once in a while, if something DOES remind me of her, I actually feel very sorry for her. But then I remember that she CHOOSES these things...they don't just "happen". Selfishness has it's consequences, afterall.

Funny how OW's all have similar traits, just as WS's do, isn't it?


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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Maybe someday. I am starting to feel sorry for her. She is really broken.


Over it.
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I have forgiven her.

Doesn't stop me from laughing at her, though.

The two are different.


For me, forgiveness was "for me". She's a broken person, much more in need of something......I don't know what.......than I am.

Despite the many things I have been through in my life, the OW in my case is a mess. I look at her and I just think, "What a complete mess of humanity. Whatever will it take for her to find God?"

And with that, I realize that she is so very lost, and I cannot help but give her my own forgiveness, because she does not seek God's. Who am I but nothing next to Him, and perhaps I can at least clean that one little bitty slate. Besides, if I let her transgressions against me go

I am free of HER

in so many ways.


Which then frees me up to laugh once again - and believe me, she is a laughable source. Like when she runs the other way in the store to stare at me through the shelves, with her bad make-up job and all. What a mess. You have to laugh - it takes me back to middle school!

Anyway, the affair? It never was about her anyway. She has her own set of problems, and her own complete world of he//. She lives in it. I don't have to know it, understand it, feel it, or worry about it.

It is far easier to forgive her than to carry her along with me for the rest of my life.

SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Speaking of laughing at the OP, the other night at baseball my game was finished first so we were tailgaiting when the other teams started heading for the parking lot. Right about the same time OW and WXH were getting in their car, a guy from my team was pulling out, stuck his arm out the window and waved. I waved back. WXH must have thought I was waving at him and waved back at me - a big wave! You should have SEEN the daggers coming out of OW's face right then! I'm sure they had a great discussion on the way home!

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This brings to thought another thread on another board that asked if you'druther the OP went on to find REAL love or rather that they are run over and over for the rest of their days by the Karmic Semi?

I said hands down I'd rather she found someone and was finally happy.

But then, I know she is not capable of doing it...

But it doesn't keep me from hopin.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

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Absolutely never.

OM was a serial adulterer and knew what he was doing and XW was unremorseful and tried to have OM kill me to cover her affair.



I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Forgive the OP?

I'd have a limb amputated if I knew it would cause OM to get inoperable brain cancer.

So no, I won't be forgiving him any time soon.


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Originally Posted by Dealan-de
This brings to thought another thread on another board that asked if you'druther the OP went on to find REAL love or rather that they are run over and over for the rest of their days by the Karmic Semi?

I said hands down I'd rather she found someone and was finally happy.

But then, I know she is not capable of doing it...

But it doesn't keep me from hopin.

I feel the same way, absolutely, but I question whether it is possible...she was/is(?) so broken and sets herself up for dysfunctional relationships. It's very sad, actually.



Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
Verve #2259641 05/12/09 08:46 AM
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W3,, This is a good topic,,, Have I forgiven the FOW, no.

And it is a two edged sword for me, I know that I am to forgive her, I do believe that. But, she has shown me nothing in the way of remorse.

I know that my hubby was the one that broke the vows to me and he is the one who opened the door to her, and he is the one responsible for the damage and hurt he caused me and our family, I get it.

But she is not innocent in this, this was her 3rd relationship with a married man, she knew exactly what she was doing.

How do I forgive that?? I have tried over and over again to pray for her,, for her to be healed and for the strenght to forgive her.

I want so much for her to be irrelevnt! My hubby has totally let her go, I hope that I can too, this is the last river I have to cross for my healing!!!!
F-26


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
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Originally Posted by faithful26
I want so much for her to be irrelevnt! My hubby has totally let her go, I hope that I can too, this is the last river I have to cross for my healing!!!!
F-26


This is me exactly. Just as this thread resurfaced yesterday, I was starting my own with an incredibly long explanation about the same thing.

I've tried praying for her off and on, particularly when H send a harsh NC e-mail two days before Christmas.

I had mostly put her out of my mind until recent revelations from H caused me to realize just how culpable she was in this whole mess. Had she ever been honest with her intention to end our M and get H to move 1000's of miles from his family, he likely wouldn't have pursued the A.

On the other hand, had she not been playing him, he might have found someone closer to home and that would have presented a whole other host of problems. Maybe I should be grateful that she kept my nut-job H occupied during the worst of his midlife crisis.


Me BW 48
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D-days: too many to keep track of, but last one on 4/3/10
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Originally Posted by faithful26
I want so much for her to be irrelevnt! My hubby has totally let her go, I hope that I can too, this is the last river I have to cross for my healing!!!!
F-26
Letting go and forgiving are two different things. Forgiveness means you will think of, see, and treat the person as if what they did never happened. This is why remorse is a requirement, because to forgive someone who is unremorseful essentially means you are giving them permission to do it again. You can let go of your hatred/anger/obsession or any other negative feeling toward her without forgiveness. This is what is liberating - when you know that person is lower than a parasite, yet you don't let them bother you. Remember, every ounce of energy you spend thinking of her is just another way for her to exert power and control over you. Don't give her that power.

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Tabby I totally agree with you that I give her way too much time and energy, and that I need to stop it and let go.

And that there is a difference between letting go and forgiveness.

I have been to counciling, I have tried the rubber band on the wrist when I start obsessing on her, My T put me on meds for boarder line OCD. (like I do anything boarder line LOL). Shoot if it's been suggested I've tried it.

It is so aggrevating to me, she is not worth it, she truly is pond scum and so the cycle continues... I know it has to stop or I will drive myself insane (er) anywho,,, thanks guys for the responses,, F-26


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
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Bea I just read the thread you started and I can relate!!!

I love what schoolbus wrote,, "Look at your marriage not the OW for answers".

Take care F-26



Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
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>I know it has to stop or I will drive myself insane (er) anywho,,, thanks guys for the responses,, F-26


I literally had to train my mind to think of something else.

Now, I only worry when the donor calls or it's her weekend with the children.

Before, it was like my brain was a gerbil on a running wheel...going and going and running and running in circles all day and into the night...UG!

Faith - are you comfortable enough in your recovery to attempt to let it go? Your sig line sounds like you are there.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
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"it was like my brain was a gerbil on a running wheel...going and going and running and running in circles all day and into the night...UG!"

EXACTLY!!!! Yes I'm trying to retrain my thought process also.. it sucks!

Yes I am very comfortable in my recovery. My T asked what else I needed my hubby to do to help me and honestly, I couldn't think of anything!

I feel that this is in part like a self-protection mode,, like if I truly let go then I'll be setting myself up for being hurt again, but in the process I'm the one hurting myself by not letting go...

See lather rinse and repeat!!!




Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: Jan 2009
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NO! and if wasn't for my wife I would twist his head off. He is lucky we are working things out.

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