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#2259982 05/13/09 04:21 AM
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My husband of 3.5 years just admitted that he has slept with 4 other women since we've been married. We had a rough time when we first got married, and things were bad- I am not disillusioned about that time in our marriage. He says they were all one night stands while he was away on business, and that he didn't get any of their contact info and hasn't spoken to any of them since. He said that he thought at that point in our marriage that it was over anyway. I found out about some lies he had told me around that same time, and I suspected he had cheated, but he swore up and down he would "never do that to me", so we went to counseling, and the last year and a half have been great. but i've never been able to shake that feeling that something had happened, so I asked him again this weekend, and he finally admitted it to me.
My heart literally hurts. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach. I am so scared, and I can't believe that at the age of 27, this is my life. I am devestated. He says he's sorry and that he felt awful about it, and he didn't tell me bc he didn't want to hurt me any more than he already had. He's saying all the right things, but how can I trust him? And how can he say he loves me if he could hurt me like that? i don't care how bad things have been between us, I have never even once considered going outside our marriage. I am so confused. i just don't know what to do.

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Right now you are in control. It may be your one chance to set some ground rules. If you let this go without consequences, he will feel free to do it again (if he isn't anyway). He needs to earn back your trust. He needs to be willing to allow you access to all his private information - passwords, cell phone records, etc. You need to install a keylogger on his computer so you can periodically and randomly monitor it for signs of another affair. A GPS in his phone or car may be in order. He needs to agree to these things to show he is sincere. If he refuses, you need to look harder at your marriage.

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We spent two hours with a counselor at our church on Monday, and I told him that I feel like forviging this is giving him permission to do it again, and is telling him that this behavior is "ok."

He travels a lot with his job, so that's a problem in and of itself. He says he's willing to find a new job where he can be home at nights if that's what I need to make me feel "secure" in our marriage.

I'm just so confused right now. I find myself going back and forth from being super angry, to being in tears. I just never thought that he could hurt me like this. I feel like I don't know him at all.

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Oh- and I have set up a polygraph tonight at 6. I feel like perhaps that's a little on the crazy side, but I need to know that he's being honest with me before I can even start to think about getting over this.

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Make sure you read a lot here and find what they call EP - I think it stands for extraordinary precautions - that he can do to help you feel safer, like always telling you where he is, giving you his passwords, etc.

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Thanks. I will do that. I'm just numb right now. I never thought "my" husband would cheat on me. I was so stupid. I feel like a fool. Physically, I feel sick. I never realized what it meant when people said they felt "heartbroken" until now. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Last edited by cate1982; 05/13/09 08:35 AM.
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OH- and get this- when it all came out on Friday, he told me that I could go sleep with someone else, so that we'd be "even".

It baffles me the way his mind works...... baffles me.

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Your feelings are totally normal.
It will take you a long time to get over this, and your H will most likely have a hard time understanding why. To him this is old news. To him the M might be great and he might know there's no risk of an A right now. The thing is, to you this is brand new and you don't know *anything*.

Cat had great suggestions about things your H can do to earn back your trust.

I suggest you get Surviving An Affair and read through it with your H.


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