Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
I have been coming to MB for about 1 month now just lurking and reading. I am very impressed with the MB concepts and have actually bought HNHN and have been journaling about them. I have not had the courage to ask my husband to read it, discuss it, or even come to the site.

I have read several peoples story and really appreciate the advice of several people who seem to come here often. I hope they can can be as O&H with me as they have been with others.

I came here initially because as my user names implies I was right on the verge (actually that a lie). I was having an EA with a guy I dated from high school. Since then he decided to stop the communication because after all I am a married woman. While my feeling were hurt I know that was the right thing and really has made me want to focus on what is going wrong in my marriage.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, 2 kids DD-8 and DD-4 and recently renewed our vows. To be completely honest that is what I wanted but i was very conflicted during that time because of the EA. He is a good guy with GREAT potential. He is dedicated to his family, he's a hard worker, and very sensitive.

My H and I are currently going to C. It initially started out as marriage issues but has turned into me trying to resolve issues of mine related to childhood sexual abuse, a very conflictual relationship with my mother and brother, and how these issues cause me to project and defend that interefers with my marriage.

I will say that before the EA begun. I had just ended what could be classified as an EA with "my 1st love" for over 10 years which is basically our entire marriage. Initially my husband knew that he and I talked but he had asked me to stop and I did not. This guy is married also and our involvement was phone calls, text messages, and occassionally phone sex. My husband looked at my phone in March and saw that I was still tlaking to him and asked that I end it. I did and have not had any contact with his since then. But approx 8 days after that the other EA enters the picture. I made the contact with him which I really called to just check on him because he has been ill. However when we talked he told me how much he still cared about me and really felt like I was the woman that he let get away. As from there things deteriotated. My husband does not know about the 2nd EA.

I have told my husband that I have some needs that are not being met. Im sure he does to. As I tend to exhibit some bi-polar tendencies at times. I am currently taking Cymbalta which seems to be working. When I told him that he said "really I am the happiest I have been." That was the end of the conversation for several days until we went to C and I brought it up and told him I basically felt ignored and that he did not seem to care. Since then we have had a short talk about our roles and some of our expectations of each other.

I am looking forward to talking more and receiving feedback, even if its 2X4's. stickout




WW-40; 2-EA's
H-37

Married 11 years

Now he's been caught

DD-9
DD-5
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
If you've been reading the concepts, then you know that it's very important for you to maintain no contact with these two individuals and not contact them again. Otherwise, your marriage won't have a chance to get better. You would always have these two dudes in the back of your brain, and you wouldn't be giving your marriage a fair shake.

Kudos on getting medication for your possible bipolar. If that is the diagnosis, I'm sure the doctors have stressed how important it is to get regular bloodwork to make sure the medication is therapeutic and not in need of adjusting.

I'm sure others will chime in.



Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,564
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,564
Likes: 1
Welcome to MB! The recovery process will help you restore romantic love to your marriage. I encourage you to hit “Notify” under your post and ask the moderator to move your thread to GQII, as this is a case of active infidelity. They can tell you how to send the no contact (NC) letters and set up extraordinary precautions (EPs). Helping a serial cheater find recovery is a huge undertaking, and the board is unpaid volunteers, so I would encourage you to read surviving an Affair (SAA) cover to cover to equip yourself to be a full participant in your recovery. If you expect folks or your H to drag you along, you may be disappointed, because you may well be the only one to do the heavy lifting. I encourage you to read Looking4’s thread on InRecovery also, because she is doing the heavy lifting, and has advice and support there from our vets that you may well find relevant advice and support for you, too.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
So you've had two EAs?

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
Have you told your H the full extent of EA#1 (ie the phone sex)?

Have you told the wife of OM#1 of your EA with her husband?

When are you planning to tell your BH about EA#2?

Is OM#2 married? If so, when are you planning to tell his BW?

If your BH is such a great guy then why do you keep cheating on him?

And I agree - ask to have this moved to GQ2.


Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by catperson
So you've had two EAs?

Yes cat as painful as it is to type this answering honestly I have had 2 Ea's.


WW-40; 2-EA's
H-37

Married 11 years

Now he's been caught

DD-9
DD-5
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
So are you in therapy to find out why your put your own happiness ahead of everyone else's? What caused you to be that way, that you choose instant gratification over your morals?

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
I have not told my H or OM#1's W.

OM#2 is not married.

I have shared with our counselor and the response was that because you have been working so hard in C and been honest I think you will find it in your heart to be honest.

My H does know about EA1.

As far as the answer to the question about why I keep cheating.......I think within my M there are some needs that are not being fulfilled. Also with OM#1 he was like an addiction I met him when I was 18 y.o. my first semester in college, i say he is the first man i ever loved, he was part of my 1st marriage and had been apart of my 2nd marriage and everytime I tried to move on from him I would temporarily then I would be right back. This had been nutual behavior. Until I begin reading this site I kept thinking if I could just get some closure to our relationship then I could move on however I realize that was just something I kept telling myself.

With OM#2 We had dated previously and I had heard he had gotten divorced, lost his job, and was on dialysis so initially I just called to check on him. Then the phone calls and text messages began. One month over 1600 minutes and approx. 550 text messages.

Both OM#1 and OM#2 live about 4-5 hours away from me and my H. I have not seen OM#1 in over 4 years and I have not seen OM#2 in at least 17 years.

Telling my H really frightens me.


WW-40; 2-EA's
H-37

Married 11 years

Now he's been caught

DD-9
DD-5
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
Cat,

You are one of the people who I was hoping would respond. Thanks!

You have asked me some hard questions. I will be thinking more about the answers.

What I do know is that I have been selfish and I am a taker. It would be easy to blame it on being sexually abused as a child but that feels like an excuse. I think ultimatley we make choices (good and bad) and we are responsible for our own behavior.

Keep the comments coming.......


WW-40; 2-EA's
H-37

Married 11 years

Now he's been caught

DD-9
DD-5
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Imontheverge,

I read your post and had many thoughts. I read it again and had many more thoughts. I read it again and have had a hard time figuring out to tell you what I sense in your posts, what I think you are completely missing, and how to proceed.

First, welcome to MB. This stuff sounds very simple and straight forward but it is far deeper and subtle than you think. It will take time for you to really absorb what is in HNHN or any of Harley's articles.

Hence discussion is a good thing, even if you don't agree with what you hear. You need to figure out why you don't agree and examine those reasons.

First, let me say that in my experience reading here, there have been many posters coming here or their spouses coming here because child abuse has completely cratered their lives and their marriage. You seem to be no exception to this situation. You really really MUST work through those issues before your marriage has a chance.

Second, it seems to me you have been playing at marriage with "one hand tied behind your back" for the entire marriage because you have been in an affair for the entire marriage. Thus, there is no way you could engage your H on any meaningful level, hence you feel your H is not meeting your needs. Oddly, one must give to get, and you cannot be giving much while having an affair. It just doesn't work that way.

Further, if you read here for awhile you will rapidly learn that people in affairs don't accept/welcome/acknowledge the things their spouse does to meet their needs. So while I am sure your H is not perfect, I would bet he is better than you realize.

I will tell you that you are going to hear a lot from me about PERSPECTIVE. Your perspective on marriage is WRONG. It is not acceptable, useful, productive, or even moral to be emotionally entangled with some other man while married to your H.

I think it is dishonest to tell your H you have needs that are not being met while he has no knowledge of your long term affair and this current one.

Given these statements it seems to me you must first and foremost become open and honest with your H. Perhaps this is best done in front of the counselor. I would recommend that you speak with your counselor about this before your next meeting so that the counselor is prepared.

The next thing that must be done is go completely no contact with OM or OM's and that means sending them a letter that your H approves.

Follow this you need to examine your boundaries, your morals, and what your vows mean to you and should mean to others. You don't realize this but while violating your marriage, your H's trust, you violated YOURSELF most of all. Why did you do that? What did/do you say to yourself to do something you know is wrong (you hid it from your H so you know it is wrong)?

If you want to save this marriage you will need to come up with a plan to protect YOUR boundaries. And that plan probably includes addressing your childhood issues, which are major.

After you have done these things, then the concept of needs being met and meeting needs will have power for you, it can lead to a better marriage for you and your H and thus a better life for your children.

I've laid a lot on you,but I see hope for your marriage and not just for it surviving but thriving IF you address your childhood issues and your boundaries. The good news is if your H decides to remain married to you, you have a major role in recovery because this is about what YOU want to change with in YOU. This you can control. Your H...you cannot control.

I hope something I have said is of use to you.

God Bless,

JL

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,564
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,564
Likes: 1
Sorry this wasn't a helpful post.

Last edited by NewEveryDay; 05/13/09 11:06 AM. Reason: off topic

Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Quote
As far as the answer to the question about why I keep cheating.......I think within my M there are some needs that are not being fulfilled.
Ehhhhhhhhh...wrong answer!

You don't GET to say your needs are not being met. You are cheating. You are ripping your H's heart out and stomping on it. You have a farce of a marriage. Because of YOU.

Until you understand that, your H needs to have one foot out the door, because you will never deserve him.

Let us know when you tell him the truth. Then we'll talk.

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
Im going to try to respond to some of the comments that have been left.

I never want it to be felt that I am making excuses for my behavior. So I get how saying I have unmet needs makes it seem like he is responsible for what I did. I am by now means saying that. I accept responsiblity for that. I guessthe best answer WHY is because I'm selfish, I'm a taker, I put myself and my feelings ahead of others, I did not value myself, ...........

I have been in IC off and on for 16 years dealing with the abuse issues. This year has been the most pivotal. I feel my entire live had been a lie unti 08/08 when I disclosed to my mom about the abuse. The perpertrator her exH isdeceased. It has trulyrocked my family. My mother and I are not talking and my brother (the perps son) will not talk to me. Thats not my fault.

However coming clean with that has made me realize how many secrets I keep, and have kept and no longer want to keep.

With OM#1 three days before my H discovered we were still talking. I had discussed with the C ending the EA and telling my H. He found a text message from OM and asked if I was still talking to him. My thought process and the reason I toldthe counselor I wanted to end it was my husband and I had been working really hard in MC and I did not want to go another 10 years into our marriage with OM being a part of it. I was honest with him about that and have since had no contact with OM. My H is aware of this. Is there more I need to do with this?

He has no idea about OM#2.

As far as my perspective on marriage I will admit that it is poor as well as my boundaries. As far as marriage I am reading lots of books, spending lots of time here, have attended seminars and retreats. The boundaries I am talking with others, reading, discussing them with my H and working on them in C. They are getting better but I know I have alot of work to do.

I am going to have an appt with the C tomoorow. My husband is not able to go because of a doctors appt. I will be talking to her about all this tomorrow and making a plan to tell my H. What I have learned over the years of counseling is that I can only make minimal progress if I am not honest.

I will continue to post.....i will do the hard stuff


WW-40; 2-EA's
H-37

Married 11 years

Now he's been caught

DD-9
DD-5
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
Originally Posted by Imontheverge
Is there more I need to do with this?

Is there anything your BH doesn't know about the EA with OM1? The phone sex, for instance? You also need to come clean with him about OM2. Get it all out in the open.

I keep coming back to this because as your marital recovery progresses (even assuming your BH wants to recover it), each new factoid that dribbles out about EA#1 or EA#2 will set his recovery counter back to 0. If you go read around GQ2 you'll see that when the truth dribbles out, it makes the betrayal almost as fresh as the original D-Day.

Please especially look for threads by linz, mutedsparkle and DNU1. There you will see the effects of letting the truth come out piecemeal. I'm sure there are others but those are the threads that come to mind. Look for "joseph's letter" on this site too.

You also need to let the BW of OM#1 know what her husband has been doing. This has a twofold purpose: it cues the BW in on what is really going on in her marriage, and it may create a second set of eyeballs watching you and OM#1 to make sure there's no contact. If you don't tell her, OM#1 will feel free to give you a call - which will set YOUR withdrawl counter back to 0. Each contact is like a fresh taste of heroin for an addict.

Your husband deserves the truth about what you have been doing. Until then he is living a lie.

You mentioned a first marriage. Is your current marriage your second or third? How did your previous marriages end?

Last edited by bitbucket; 05/13/09 01:20 PM.

Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
IOTV,

You are on the verge of breaking through to an honest life...

begin by defining terms as they truly are...

you had a long-term affair...

this isn't going to be treated with the same steps, same way...

some will be the same for recovery...

and then you had an add-on affair...

so you may be a serial cheater...

These labels don't define who you are...they signal what you do, choices you make...

they are tough...I know because I had these labels...

you use others to block intimacy, responsibility, integrity and real connection...

not an excuse, an explanation...

nothing can excuse torturing another human being, as you have your BH for a decade. You're getting that.

You have a Giver and a Taker in yourself...and you'd be surprised at how much damage both do in their extremes, especially when they are impersonating the other...get those straight...you have both in you, healthy balance from healthy choices is possible.

Hasn't been your habit.

Begin your life of radical honesty today by ending deception...

tell your BH about OM#2...tell OM1's BW...come clean so you understand and live what you want most...to love yourself.

You will heal from SA and you will heal others from abusing them...you will change your whole life.

Welcome.

LA

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
This is my second marriage.

My first marriage was a rebound relationship for both of us and was wrong from the start. We lived together as H/W for 1 1/2 years and divorced at year 3. He was never physically abusive but had others issues. One night he wanted to have sex after we had been arguing and I would not. He threatened to tale it anyway. I called 911 and had them to come while I packed me some clothes. Lots more dysfunction to that marriage but its over....no kids were created.....and I came out alive.



WW-40; 2-EA's
H-37

Married 11 years

Now he's been caught

DD-9
DD-5
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 25
Ok....So I went to counseling today, my H was not able to go with me. I talked with the C about having a talk with my husband. She agrees that it is something I MUST tell him.

So I have a few questions for you guys here. Of course I know there is no right way to tell him or right time. I just wonder what works best and what does not.

Right now one of my fears is when is the right time to tell him. He is going on an all boys motorcycle trip on Tuesday and will be gone for one week.

Should I tell him before he goes? My fear with that is he will be around lots of single woman and it makes me insecure. He has never cheated or given me any reason to think he would. That is about my fear. I guess the positive in that could be we will have a little time apart and it gives us the time to think.

Or do I wait until he comes back?

Besides being O&H how do I do this? Should I arrange a babysitter for the kids for a few hours or for the night?

Needing some direction.


WW-40; 2-EA's
H-37

Married 11 years

Now he's been caught

DD-9
DD-5
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 739
I suspect most will want you to tell him now... I say, if this trip is a big deal to your H, and you are sincere about telling all... Then wait.

For a few reasons, but his safetly on a week long bike trip being #1.

-JKT

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Quote
For a few reasons, but his safetly on a week long bike trip being #1.


Yes, let him have one more week of life as he knows it, because that's all about to change when you tell him what you've done/been doing.

I would consider telling him with your counselor's help if you don't know how he will react.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
I'll jump in here and see what I can stir up... cool

""Should I tell him before he goes? My fear with that is he will be around lots of single woman and it makes me insecure.""

This is classic WW thinking. You are afraid he will go DIRECTLY to another WOMAN..do not pass go, do not collect $200.

How about it could shatter him to the point he drives head on into an 18 wheeler or off a cliff? :MrEEk:

I would wait until after he returns so HE CAN ENJOY HIMSELF!

You know something???......PHONE SEX = EA???

I really don't think so... sounds very PHYSICAL to me!!

You seem rather casual about these affairs because you are calling them EAs.... I mean, shoot, man they are only EAs. MrRollieEyes

Of course the other reason you are so casual about the
EA/PAs is that they have been going on your entire marriage. So you really don't know any different...like how the M really should be WITHOUT another man in the marriage.

I seem to be hearing FOGBABBLE also. You are going through withdrawal from this second OM.

The analogy of being in the marriage with one hand tied behind you back is a good one...then telling your H that he is not fulfilling some ENs?? naughty

YOU HAVE THOSE ENs IN THE OTHER HAND!!! sigh faint

You have been 10+ years with your H and another man. You must now face the M and your H alone, by yourself!!!

Can you do that?

IMHO

kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 140 guests, and 97 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5