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Originally Posted by Imontheverge
As far as the answer to the question about why I keep cheating.......I think within my M there are some needs that are not being fulfilled.

Please think about this some more.

Re-read Just Learning's post to you.
Your choice to be in affairs for your entire marriage have crippled your H's ability to meet your ENs. It is impossible for your H to meet your ENs, due to your affairs. I think you have the cart before the horse here.

In other words, your affairs have made it impossible for your H to meet your ENs.

Even if your H was a lously slob who didn't lift a finger to meet your ENs, you had lots of choices other than engaging in affairs.

So, keeping in mind that your affairs are what are causing your ENs to go unmet, and keeping in mind the fact that you had other choices than engaging in affairs... why do you think you keep cheating?

You need to know the answer to that question so that you can put extraordinary precautions into your behavior and life - precautions that make it impossible for you to ever do this again.

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Just out of curiosity, what does EA mean to you (the original poster)? I know on another board, it means extramarital affair. Around here, it means emotional affair.

Last edited by princessmeggy; 05/14/09 12:03 PM.

Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Ea to me means emotional affair.

I do realize that my M has not been a true M because of my behavior. I feel I must tell him because I want to have a real M with him.

The hand behind the back analogy is good.

Need help/opinions/suggestions on what to do next.

It feels fake waiting until he comes back but then I want him to enjoy himself. Don't know!!!!!


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Originally Posted by imontheverge
EA with "my 1st love" for over 10 years which is basically our entire marriage.

Originally Posted by imontheverge
As I tend to exhibit some bi-polar tendencies at times.

Originally Posted by imontheverge
our involvement was phone calls, text messages, and occassionally phone sex.

Gotta tell ya that when I read the above quotes my eyebrows go up into my hairline from skepticism...

10 years.

Bipolar Disorder.

Phone sex.

And yet it's "only" been an EA???

Just doesn't pass the "sniff test" for me...Sorry...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Originally Posted by Imontheverge
I have not seen OM#1 in over 4 years

So you met up with OM at least once 4 years ago. The lost love of your life that you've had a 10 year "relationship" with and phone sex with and what did you two do...play Monopoly???

I would advise everyone to tread carefully here. A self-admitted bi-polar long-term wayward wife is not one to take at her word. This is possibly a set up to be used as a back up to the lie(s) she's about to tell her husband. Her medical condition alone likely disqualifies her from being capable of undertaking the MB concepts. POJA with a bi-polar is nearly impossible (the only way I see it as possible is by the voluntary and complete surrender of control in advance of any mania by the bi-polar to the non-bi-polar spouse and a non-bi-polar spouse with firm enough boundaries for the both of them). Medical and General Durable Powers of Attorney can be helpful in these situations.

IMO, she needs more professional help than this board could ever offer and I'm glad she's in IC.

Consider yourself warned...the drama will suck you in...but the drama will never cease.

Good luck Imon...confess to your husband everything...including the physical affair YOU HAD with one or more of these OM's (and any other one night stands, etc).

Mr. Wondering

[edit to add - I do not intend to rip on ALL bi-polars with this post. There are way more red flags here than just simply bi-polar issues.]

Last edited by MrWondering; 05/14/09 07:47 PM.

FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
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"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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redflag redflagcomplete agreement with ya! redflag redflag





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Yup, that's what I was thinking too.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I appreciate all the comments and repleis that have been psoted. They really are making me take a look at myself.

I am here because I want and need help. I have bought all the books, been reading on this site, and feel I can really get some help and support from this forum.

I have tried fo many years to do things my way. That has not worked. Look where I am now.

As far as the OM#1 we dated for 7 years, actually lived together for awhile. When i say him 4 years ago it was at our college homecoming. Yes our relationship has been physical in the past but not since I have been married. We made plans several times to meet in between the 2 cities we live in but never did. Either I chickened out, he did, or one of our spouses got suscipious and it never happened. Our communication has been via phone and text messages. This was not a daily, weekly, nor monthly thing. Whenever he wantedto talk he called and vice versa.

Because I have been in counseling and I am starting to resolve some issues and feel better about myself I made the decision to end things with him. I talked to my C about it and did. I have not regretted it.

Consciously this year I decided I wanted my life to be different. I realized I am turning 40 and I do not want to live this roller coaster anymore. Plus I have 2 daughters who are CRAZY about there mother. I DO NOT want them to havethe same experiences growing up that I have. I decided the only way I could make that happen was by trying to heal.

I have also done some really hard work in counseling. the hardest thing being confronting my mother about not protecting me from my step-dad growing up. That made a huge difference in my life. A burden was lifted. I never thought I could do that. Now that I found the courage I need to get my whole life in order.

I am realizing I have a good man for a husband and my kids have a wonderful dad. No he is not perfect but he tries. He does not deserve the things I have put him through. When we decided to renew our vows this year since it was our 10 year anniversary I felt it was more reason to end things with OM#1. I told the C I did not want to take him into 10 more years of my marriage. I did not want to continue to live a lie. Both my husband and I deserve better.

OM#2 only lasted a three weeks and it was strictly via the phone. I have not seen him in about 18/19 years. That ended because he wanted more (leaving my H, moving)than I was willing to sacrifice.

My C is the one who says I tend to exhibit some bipolar tendencies. I do not think I am. For what its worth neither does my family doctor. His comment to me was that my C refers people to him all the time saying they are bipolar. Yes I have struggled with depression. I will admit to having mood swings and temper tantrums. However the mood swings have gotten better after I had surgery last year and begin taking Cymbalta.

People are going to think and say things that they think are true.....all I can say I that I'm not going away and I won't give up until I have given my best effort at making things right for me, my husband, and our family.





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Originally Posted by Imontheverge
..... I won't give up until I have given my best effort at making things right .........

Your BEST efforts have gotten you where you are today! It's not working very well is it?

Your BEST efforts will not be good enough to pull anyone out of the hole you've dug. You will only pull people into the hole, because YOU are already IN the hole.

This is going to require DEVINE intervention!





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Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Before you just decide to TELL your BH all of this info..... maybe you should ask him if he wants to know.

He needs to know that there were EAs (or whatever), but he is the one who should set the pace for how many details he can handle.

Be open to giving details if he asks for them - but don't just blurt out every single thing you can think of without letting him breathe a little.




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I am continously praying about this situation. I believe in miracles and I know that God can work out any situation.

Just part of my testimony is being healed from breast cancer 4 years ago when I was pregnant.

I know he will direct my path.......


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sigh

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Originally Posted by tst
Your BEST efforts will not be good enough to pull anyone out of the hole you've dug. You will only pull people into the hole, because YOU are already IN the hole.

This is going to require DEVINE intervention!
While I usually agree with tst and find his advice to be some of the very best on these boards, I disagree with this.

While it's true that your decisions and behaviors have gotten you into trouble in the past, it's also true that people can learn new skills and behaviors. I think it's quite possible for you to change and become the person you want to be. I think you can make conscious decisions and changes that will result in you looking at yourself in the mirror and being genuinely proud of who you are.

Regarding divine intervention, if you are religious then your church, bible study group, women's group, etc. can be a great help. I would avoid meeting with the preacher (if it is a man) one on one because you do not yet have good boundaries. You should not EVER talk about marital problems one-on-one with a male.

People end up in affairs because they fail to recognize all the tiny little steps that get them in "over their heads" and they fail to protect their marriage.

For example, a particular weakness of yours seems to be old love interests. In light of that you probably should decide to NEVER contact an old love interest. You should figure out now, ahead of time, how you'd react if you got an email, or phone call, or Facebook friend request from an old flame or even an old classmate that you've not seen in a long time.

I know that I have a tendency to praise and admire people, and if I express admiration to a male that can be dangerous. So I'm careful with admiration and compliments.

That's the kind of thing you need to be looking at when you figure out how you allowed yourself to get into two affairs.

Also think about who crossed "the line" first, and most often. If it was you, figure out how, and why, and fix it. If it was OM, figure out why you allowed it. Put a game plan in place so that in the future you are ready with a new plan of behavior.

One thing most waywards need to change is how they allow themselves to associate with members of the opposite sex. You might have boundaries that you never are in a room with one male; if your boss calls you into his office, you ask the admin assistant to come in as well. If you're invited to sit with a guy in the break room, you invite someone else to join you. You never give or accept a ride from a male if there are no others riding with you. Things like that.

You also need to allow your H to be your best friend. Sit down with him and brainstorm a list of activities that you both enjoy. Make sure you spend at least 15 hours per week engaged in those activities. That means without doing chores, or watching TV, or having the kids in tow. Just the two of you, focusing on each other and having fun.

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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