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Actually I've done it. That's how I know it didn't work. Made her mad at me though. You've done what?
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Dang buddy, definitely no preaching.
This place is about action. Expose. Name and shame.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 307
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She works at the gym. He doesn't go there. I've checked but found no evidence of the OM but I agree that she is exhibiting the classic fog symptoms. Because I've seen it all before.
Also, it just doesn't make sense to me that she would leave someone (who she says is a perfect husband), all of her material things, and 1/2 the time with her children because she is unhappy.
I ask why she is unhappy. She says because "I'm not in love with you and I need that connection. I've tried the last couple of months to have it with you but it's not there and never will be. We never built our relationship on anything so we have nothing to build on now. I think I can find that someday with someone else. You are so good to me and our boys, but when I try to fall in love with you, I cant"
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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ark, why don't you get phone coaching with Steve Harley? He might be able to sell her on falling in love with you again using the principles outlined in Fall in Love, Stay in Love. Do you have that book? She CAN fall in love with you again, and it won't take long at all, either. But someone has to sell her on this idea and you can't do it unless you know how this is done.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 307
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Posts: 307 |
I will try. But this week she is very cold to me and she told me that she doesn't want to fall in love with me. Weird, huh?
I'd swear there was another guy...but I can't find anything.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I will try. But this week she is very cold to me and she told me that she doesn't want to fall in love with me. Weird, huh?
I'd swear there was another guy...but I can't find anything. Did you read my post about talking to Steve Harley? If you get an appointment with him, he will first assess your situation and then tell you what to say to get her on the phone. Then he will put a sell job on her. In the meantime, I smell an OM, too. What kind of snooping are you doing? Can you hire a PI? Does she have a blackberry phone?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 307
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Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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You can buy and install Flexispy light for iphones for $149. It will give you all of her SMS messages and emails. The more expensive styles even have GPS on them. We have had several members here uncover very hidden affairs this way. Here it is: http://www.flexispy.com/spyphone-flexispy-apple-iphone.htm
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 307
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Thanks, if she is up to no good, I'm not sure I have the energy to fight through withdrawal again. I would like to know for sure though.
I hope there's enough good left in her to help her understand that a good bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Does this mean you are going put this on her phone and find out what she is doing?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 307
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Well, I don't know. She knows I have access to her phone so she probably wouldn't use it.
If she's using a phone, it is from her work. Same with email. Not sure yet how to check that.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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How could you find out what she is doing?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
ark, how could your having access to her phone prevent her from texting the OM? Couldn't she just delete them?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 307
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Posts: 307 |
I'll have to think on that a bit.
The problem is, even if there is not an OM in the picture, there is the illusion of someone better out there that can illicit those feelings. Like the boy she had a crush on in high school but never dated, or someone in the music industry that she idolizes...all optimistic thinking on her part that anyone else will be better, but her lack of "in love" feelings for me has her looking at something else.
I need to get her to commit, really commit.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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You need to find out what she is doing behind your back. She is up to something. This is not just daydreaming. Women don't abandon their families for a daydream.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Women abandon their families over neglect and for OM.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 307
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Posts: 307 |
You are right. I've been snooping, but nothing so far.
I will ask you this....She says she is not in love with me and hasn't been for a long time, doesn't believe she ever will be. Says she loves me and that I am doing everything right. She has almost anything anyone could ask for. Why is she so miserable? Being treated like a queen by a decent guy with 2 wonderful kids. Does the lack of an "in love" feeling warrant misery. Sounds very fishy or very selfish. Or am I missing something.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Posts: 987
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Sounds wayward.
My goodness, that could've been scripted right out of my head during my A.
Don't have enough of your details to mind right now, so won't judge if she's actively engaged in an A (versus never coming out of the fog from before). My first reaction is like Mel's, that there's an OM.
Decide if it's worth it to you to fight more for this.
Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I will ask you this....She says she is not in love with me and hasn't been for a long time, doesn't believe she ever will be. Says she loves me and that I am doing everything right. She has almost anything anyone could ask for. Why is she so miserable?. She is miserable because she is in an affair. Affairs cause depression and misery. It is a daily battle to beat down your screaming conscience. She is still in an affair, ark. You need beef up the snooping and sniff this out. I would be very, very surprised if she wasn't using her iphone to stay in contact. I don't know why that isn't the first place you are going.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 307
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I have been checking the iphone. There's nothing there. Plus, she thinks I bugged it the last time. Same with her computer. Thats why I couldn't find anything in April. However, I used a voice recorder in her vehicle and overheard her telling a "friend" that she had talked to him (from her work phone).
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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