Oh, I believe it. Mainly because I've seen it before. I just can't find anything yet. I've done some good looking too. I know her friends are doing everything to tear us apart and she has now alienated her family over this. Eventually, she will slip up if there is something there. But I'm beginning to think she is crazy. Total history rewrite, never loved you, others made me marry you, I never wanted to.

She wants a divorce to be independent, but doesn't know what she is looking for. Really, really fishy.

Well, I've looked and looked. No signs of anyone else.

My wife is at the point of walking out. Her family knows of her desire to divorce and have been trying to convince her otherwise. She is very cold to me now, resents me because I don't want to divorce and feels I'm laying a guilt trip on her.

Says she doesn't love me, never has, never will (yeah I know, fog) and no longer has any energy left to work on it. She's sure the feeling will never come and doesn't want to live with a husband she's not in love with.

Her friend told her that she was in a similar situation....she stayed for a year and her husband was the best husband but she never fell in love with him and cried every night b/c she was so miserable.

Very little hope now. I wish she would put in the effort for the boys, 6,8. She's made a lot of withdrawals from her love bank but I still am willing to make it work.

I did a great plan A for 10 months now. She recognizes it, but isn't in love with me so she wants to leave. Nothing I say helps, only hurts. She's mad that I won't give up.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes, just seeing a greener pasture is enough to create the fog. I'm doing better now in my marriage, but was a WAW for many years, just waiting for D19 to leave for college so I could leave. What got me through it was daydreaming about what life would be like alone - without H. THAT was my fog. And I still have it, even though I know things are better, I still long for that being alone part. Not sure how long it will take to go away.

How about this. Tell her that you want to go through 3 months of weekly sessions with the Harleys. And, at the end of that time - including real effort on her part at doing whatever homework they give you, not just going through the motions - you'll agree to separate if she hasn't seen something worth saving.

ark, what is she waiting for then? She can leave any time. Tell her you wish her the best and will see her in court. You are not stopping her from leaving.

She is having an affair, ark. It is either very deep or she is just waiting to dump you so the OM can step in. That is evidenced by her insistence on ending the marriage. The solution to a bad marriage is to fix the marriage, but she doesn't want to do that. She wants to leave.

Have you considered phone counseling with Steve Harley? I would be interested to see if Steve could get through to her.

she's not interested in marriage counseling. said she is willing to go see a christian psychologist about all of her issues (childhood, affair, marriage).

Her friends, at least the ones she talks to, point to divorce. One even said, do I need to push you off the cliff.

she says she is emotionally empty, doesn't love me, doesn't think she ever will, wants to be alone and eventually meet someone she can "connect" with. Says she tried for years with me - a long time ago - and it never happened. I wasnt giving much effort then.

Her family is all on my side, but she is not receptive b/c they are not telling her what she wants to hear and they are being very direct.

I cant find any OM and I am really getting worn out by all of this. We had 3 good months, but she is a holy terror now, even her family sees it.

Then it is time for Plan B or Plan D. Nothing else is going to change. Save your sanity by leaving her.

We just had a long talk. Says she is only hanging by a thread and the only reason she is staying is for the boys. Says she's more and more sure everyday.

Says "you don't know how I feel....I'm not in love with you and that makes me miserable and I can never love you" I ask don't you trust that God can fix our marriage...she says thats not what I want right now.

I'm patient..I can hold out a little more but I'm also resigning myself to her leaving. If there is another guy, fine, I'm not going through that again so she can leave...I'd just like to know the truth.

I told her she was being selfish. She doesn't see it that way. It's all about her and her feelings. I feel sorry for her b/c she'll probably never be happy but I feel worse for my kids.

Right now I'm battling over whether I'll take the high road and split amicably or be bitter. I want bitterness now.

It'll take a miracle for her to change and I thought our boys would be motivation enough for her to work it out. Guess not.

What is she waiting for, arkhawk? I would start making plans to separate if I were you. You have been dealing with this a very long time and it is time for Plan B.

If you don't take control of this situation for once, you can look forward to months more of this while she abuses you in a state of limbo. The solution is not more of the same, but in taking control of your life. Let her know you are not interested in staying in a loveless marriage and if she is not willing to do anything to bring that about, then it is time to make arrangements to leave. Tell her you want to separate and ask her to leave, ark. [without the kids, of course]

I would not be bitter, but I would not suggest being amicable. Divorces are not amicable, they are not supposed to be.

The longer you prolong this, the farther you are from resolution, because she is just cakeeating now. The more she cake eats, the more she will wear you down.

Getting her moved out just before the holidays might do alot to burst this fantasy she has in her head.

Plan A was never meant to be a way of life for conflict avoiders, ark. It is meant to be a very short term strategy that serves to bring the WS back into the marriage. That has not happened, so it is time to move to the next step. Living like this is horrible for you all, it is emotional abuse for you, and trains her to abuse you. That is not good for anyone here.

She finally admitted that her first boyfriend from 17 years ago sent her a note on facebook a few months back (while she was in withdrawal from her affair). They met and had lunch and have talked a few times. His wife left him a month or so ago and he sent her a note saying I am here waiting on my friend.

She says she knows it is silly but she is very tempted to cheat on me b/c she had such a connection when they dated for 2 months when she was 16. And she's never really been happy in our marriage so she feels she never will be plus she will always wonder about this guy. So she feels she needs to divorce. I knew there was someone else. Anyway, all that plan A stuff and she kept moving from guy to guy.

Amazing!?

I'm sorry Arkhawk - not that that really gets close to the mark.

How are you? What are your thoughts?

Crushed. I've been living on eggshells so long. Never thought this woman could cause me so much pain. I'm better because of all of it but I weep for the loss of my family. She said she's going to try and decide this weekend on whether to divorce or stay unhappily married to me. Totally selfish and immature - but apparently I don't understand how unhappy she is.

WTF? I hope you said something (without DJ and AO) in response to this instead of going on Plan Doormat.

I would tell her not to do you any favors. If she doesn't appreciate you for the decent man that you are, there are plenty of other women out there who will.

That's what burns me up about WS's sometimes. When they try to act like they have to "think about" whether or not they should be with us..... I mean? Seriously. That's adding insult to injury.

Kudos to you for not going off on her after that comment. You're a bigger person than I.

and let me point out- that no 16 year old knows what "real" love is. at 16 you know puppy love and lust. But not real love, not the for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part kind of love. so whatever it is she's remembering about their juvenile relationship is skewed.

the idea that she wants a divorce to see what would happen with her high school sweetheart just shows that she's clearly living in a fantasy world.

Well she says the reason she wants a divorce is because she is unhappy, has been and always will be. But she's 33 and still doesn't know what real love is.

Ugh! Screw her! I'm sorry, but you deserve better than that!

Here is your #1 chance to either (1) make her want you or (2) give yourself enough dignity to get on with your life and pick a woman who won't treat you like crap:

Go home, pack up all her stuff in suitcases, and leave it on the porch. Tell her to leave, find herself, you want no part of it.

She doesn't respect you because she knows you're too needy (her opinion, not mine). The ONLY way she'll ever look at you in the right way is if you let her know you don't need her to survive.

yeah, I'm getting there. Cant quite let go yet. Especially with little ones involved. Right now I wish her the same pain I have.

I'm not telling you to do this for revenge. I'm saying it because she stopped listening to you years ago, and the ONLY way she'll ever see what's going on is if you do something drastic. If you kick her out, and she has to scrabble to take care of herself, affairs won't be quite so glamorous.

How can someone say 'I just cant work on it"