Not looking forward to posting here, but I do need a little advice.

I am an 'old timer' from MB - was here several years ago when my now ex-wife started having affairs and put myself and the kids through hell on earth. Not gonna rehash that one, but to say that I learned a lot from Harley's books, and the many great people on this site.

In fact, some time after the fiasco with my ex, I got in touch with one of the awesome people from MB and lo, we ended up married! It has been a wonderful time - we both committed to a marriages based on the principles Dr. Harley expresses, we have worked at keeping open and transparently honest with one another... At least I thought so...

This week however, I discovered that my wife has been carrying on at least two on-line affairs and possibly more. Looking back, I can even trace back to when they began.

It is difficult to post on here because my spouse is often quite active on the site - she is a great counselor and has helped many people recover from affairs. But there is the rub.

Here is the issue: I know I am partially to blame for this turn of events: I am very bad at supplying one of her emotional needs: I know what it is (admiration) but I have so much difficulty expressing it. Another major hardship for our marriage is that my health has gone downhill terribly over the past couple of years and I am almost unable to work at all - I have a hard time even doing laundry, etc. I have to work very slow and carefully, and there aren't many jobs available for me. This means that my spouse makes the larger portion of our money: something I am certain she resents. Having these two impediments makes it understandable why she would go elsewhere. Not excusing it, just comprehending the need.

Two days ago my wife left the house. At first, I thought she had gone for a walk - but the the hours grew, and I noticed that she had taken her purse. I knew all the money was in the bank, so I checked the account: she had pulled a large amount out. I was mystified - and I was putting things together quickly. I went to her computer and found a LOT of emails back and forth with several men - some rather explicit (I didn't read it - not into that much pain). I then found one that stated she was taking a train south to meet him. (Also an email to another man stating that she was going to be gone for a while and that she'd talk to him later...)

I jumped in the car and rushed to the train station: and found her sitting there (thank God the train was late or I'd be alone right now and she wouldn't be sleeping a few feet away). We talked for a bit and she decided to come back home.

Since then we are trying to work on spending time together - but I have to say, in all honesty, that I am so entirely skeptical of the whole thing that this feels more like a charade than an actual relationship. Personally, I am simply numb. I almost have no feelings at all - I'm not angry (I can see where I am not the most desirable spouse - although I work at that all the time) and I'm not sad. I almost feel like I could care less what happens now. I love my wife, and I pledged to love her - and I intend to honor that. But right now it feels like the entire marriage was more of a scam than the real thing - all the talk about love busters, love banks, commitment, honesty...etc... I wonder if I haven't been played. The only pain I felt was when she began chatting for 10 - 12 hours after getting off work - and completely ignoring me (often - lately - she's only gotten 2-3 hours of sleep a night). Our marriage was beginning to feel like one of those dates where one of the party was on a cell phone - sure, they can say they ate dinner with you - they saw you...but the entire evening was spent with someone else.

Working through a Plan A sort of thing right now: but I have to admit - I haveworked hard at this marriage: trying to be the man I should be (in spite of this stupid old body giving up on me...) and I've been very careful not to be controlling or manipulative (not that I ever have been - but these were issues in her past marriage) - I tried to give her free reign over her decision - they are hers, and I am not her owner. I've been very conscious of love busters: I've avoided all as much as I can - it has just seemed that I don't give her enough appreciation - which she certainly gets from sites like this, etc., where she helps people all the time.

Any advice wold be appreciated and deeply considered...

How old are you? Can this old dog learn new tricks?

Maybe try text her something positive. And call the OM. You know MB already -you are not quitting.

I would make it a requirement that she come clean here on MB, using her old username. I would also require an MB Weekend and consistent follow-up with the Harley staff.

If she refused, I would tell her to pack up and get out.

This isn't the "average" situation, as she was completely informed and educated on how to avoid an affair and still chose not to.

What was your old username?

Was your new WW a WW before?

Ditto on all of this, although I probably wouldn't know your old username, what is hers?

It actually really gets my goat that someone could advise both BS's and WW's and secretly be wayward.

I'm sorry that you are here.

Thanks, all, for the preliminary advice (and really quick replies!)


I would love to get to one of these seminars, but our finances don't really make that feasible: I have pretty much FT custody of my kids from previous marriage - and no financial support from space-mom, so we barely scrape by each month. I'll see if I can figure a way, however...


I'm really uncomfortable with letting that out right now - not because I'm bothered by my confused ramblings and panic all those years ago, but because I am still wary of damaging the work my wife has done here on MB - it will take me some time...


No - she was the victim of an unfaithful spouse who had MANY affiars...

I am mostly bothered here because I am uncertain of how much of this is my fault (I have to think that way, given that this is the THIRD time in my life that a spouse has had affairs - 3rd marriage. Seems to me I have to be the cause. Either that, or I am so oblivious to the type of person I fall for...) Wait - that's still my fault....

Things are so strange right now - we are going on with life as thought NOTHING happened - and I know I have to start this ball rolling, but I am so shell shocked after the last marriage that I really don't want to go thru it all again....*sigh*

How long were you both divorced before you started dating? How long did you date before you married?

Really? Sounds like conflict avoidance to me. If she can't fess up to her own waywardness she shouldn't be working on others.

She needs to be outed and smacked with the appropriate 2 x 4's.

She was divorced for 2 or 3 years, we started dating about a year after my divorce, and dated a little over a year...

You are quite right, in part it is conflict avoidance - but not completely out of cowardice (a little, though) I am one who wants to make sure that I have absolutely corrected my faults before I jump in and point out the faults of others. I am still not sure how much of this is something I have done, and need to correct - I don't really want to simply force her to change and then fix me later....

On the other hand, I am truly slow to start anything lately: the last time I confronted a spouse about an affair, I went through some really nasty times. I know the same is not going to happen now (we have no kids between us) but I still am wary of that much pain. The thing is, the more I post on here, the worse I feel and the more I know I need to talk to her about it. I had sort of hoped that simply confronting her at the train station would be cathartic enough to start us talking - but I must assume that fog is still heavy: it feels more like she is trying to be nice so I will stay quiet...

As for her working on others - I think she quit doing that about the time she started all this

I hate this.

I just checked her email - she sent a note to her guy saying that she couldn't afford the trip, but that she will plan a better way to get there - so I know now that all she is doing right now is playing nice till things go her way.

This does hurt. A lot.

Out her.

She knows better.

Exposure is key and you absolutely know the drill, she will go nuclear and was planning to dump you regardless.

She also knows the drill and has already taken steps to hide and destroy any evidence, or what will probably happen is she'll just out everything herself and just up and abandon you.

If you ARE familiar wth MB concepts, you should also know that one of the most talked-about tools here for ending As is EXPOSURE - yet you are deliberately choosing not to use this tool.

I am so sorry that you find yourself here again, how horrible.
Please expose her, you must.
If you did not correct any personal issues, you may have selected the "same" kind of S, however that does not excuse this in anyway, I know you know that.
I feel like you just don't have the strength to do any of this, physically and mentally, but for yourself you must, do this for you, please.

Actually I am preparing to expose this all - but I am not sure it would be very effective on MB (she hasn't been on - AFAIK - in over a year). I forwarded her emails & chat logs to myself, I have fuill record of this stupidity. The reason I am here is simple: I need some good advice and encouragement - this is extremely hard to do. I intend to do this for one reason only - to save my marriage. I am not looking to do this because I'm angry, want vindication, to punish - nothing like that. I simply want to do the right thing - and I'm scared of a fight with a person I love, and I am scared of losing her, and I am scared of the pain, on and on and on.

Right now, though, I am more concerned about MY part in this: what have I done, how can I change myself for the better. I feel almost unable to progress without figuring that part out. Perhaps I'm analyzing myself into the ground, but I would like to be able to change myself - regardless of the outcome. If I had my angry way, I'd already be packing my stuff and moving. It's because I keep telling myself I made this commitment that I havent yet.....

Expose today.

You may of had three wives cheat on you for one reason.

You keep on marrying your first wife. You kept on selecting the same type of woman. Instead of going in a new direction.

You say this isn't your first rodeo, then you know better than this, so does she.

Expose

Pesonally, I don't buy your story.

You appear to be gaming the board to me!

If you were really an old time MB'er and she was as well then you would know that all the cloak and daggger of hiding your old user names is NOT necessary. Affairs survive because of secrecy, you BOTH now this, so until you can come clean with the old user names so we can see your old histories... I ain't buyin' it.

Sorry old fool!

I agree.

No real help for you as long as you are providing half-arsed information.

Pep! When did you turn British?

I KNEW that if I stayed here long enough I would convert you all.