Hi all,

I am wondering about this topic for a while now and wanted to hear your experiences. At which point in the affair did you hear from your WH/WW ILYBNILWY / I am not happy?

I have my own theorie and just want to see am I completely off here - I think it might be happening shortly after an affair goes from EA to PA.

Just brainstorming here...

My ILUBNILWY speech came about a month after WH went away with OW camping for the weekend. He set me up so good. I helped him pack up stuff for them, but didn't know it.

However, after we moved back in, I found a letter she had written to him about her undying love for him, and how she realized that getting a D from me would be so hard and the fact that she wasn't Jewish would mean to him, and how difficult a decision this was... BLAH BLAH BLAH..... it was 5 days later that I got this famous speech.

I remember that night so well. I was at a lax meeting because D-day happened on a night that I went to a lax meeting. He gave me the speech right before I left, I came home and pushed him for a D. We went online and looked at how much it would cost, etc. And when pushed he backed down and didn't want one. I wish I had found MB during that time, so much would have been different.

Oh well...

I never got the speech at all. He always said he did love me and he was happy so you figure it out.

Not sure if this helps, but I got a version of this speech two weeks ago during a false recovery. H attempted contact with OW via email on 11/1 and gave me this speech 11/3. It was THE single most significant clue to me that he had attempted contact with OW. A few other clues were his comments that he had only returned home in 2008 because "it was expected" and that he had never been 100% commited to recovery. It reeked of wayward talk.

AM

How wise we become...

How good our nose can smell a wayward.

Boy I hope not, 'cause I got the ILYBINILWY speech shortly after he came home from HS reunion where he ran into his old gf and started the EA portion. I've always been convinced they got physical--more so than he let on to me--not sure it went all the way to doing the deed or not--. But the speech came when he came home. Might lend some creedence to your theory.

I got mine shortly after Dday...a Dday that happened because I accidentally found out about his affair.

In my case, POSOM moved into our tenent house at the end of June, 2008. For the whole month of July, exWW started spending more and more time with POSOM and less time with me.

On July 24th, we had a horse show at the Del State Fair. exWW was NASTY to the kids and I. Everytime she got mad at us, she would go hang with POSOM. After the kids were done showing, she and POSOM took the horses home while I rode the rides with the kids. I am CONVINVED that this is when things went physical. The orignal plan was for POSOM to take the horses home while the 4 of us hung out at the fair.

The next day (July 25th), I had my vasectomy. I called exWW to pick me up from the Dr. as scheduled. She said she forgot.

July 26th - We have a family picnic with her side. POSOM is back at the house. ExWW, me, the kids, and exWW's family have a GREAT time. When we get home, exWW is in a NASTY mood since POSOM is around. That night, exWW comes to bed quite frisky, but PSUBIKER is still healing from the day before. So, we do other methods of SF on her but she is not responding and is getting frustrated. Her sister and cousin in hindsite noticed exWW was very "uncomfortable" the entire day.

July 27th - She is hot and cold all day. We go to Target and she tries on some nice lingerie for me, we then go to the KY intimates section and she purchases some. We get home, she is NASTY to me again. Very distant, not wanting to talk. I know something is up. I write her a very nice letter detailing how much I love her etc, etc, etc. She doesn't come into the house until 3am. I know she was with POSOM.

July 28th - I get the ILUBNILWU speech.

I am convinced everything went physical on July 24th after POSOM and exWW went home together. Then, exWW spent the weekend waffling between me and POSOM until she gave into POSOM and issued the ILUBNILWU speech.

Well my ILYBNILWY speech came on my 12th wedding anniversary. I have been convinced H has been involved in an EA for aprox 2 years now with a co-worker whom he sits beside everyday. H is planning on moving out in Feb 2010 so as not to disrupt xmas and youngest son's bday. Last night I discovered that his wedding ring has been removed. H states that he is not doing this for another woman but just needs some time on his own. I think he really wants me to kick him out so he won't be the bad guy.

After he figured out that nothing was going to make me accept his girlfriends.
Mulan

I got the "speech" one week before D-Day.

I don't think she would have disclosed so quickly, if I hadn't pushed for disclosure. As far as my FWW was concerned, he was "just a good friend" and their boinking around in my home, my bed and at the office had nothing to do with her feelings for me.

Mine tried to have me killed.

Ther was no "speech".

I got "I haven't been happy in a long time...." the day he came home from Dallas. The A had gone physical that weekend.....Dday was a week or two later.....(yeah for me......details are getting fuzzier)

Hmmmm.....me thinks you may be on to something.....

Thanks everyone so far for your replies - I am very interested in your answers - I also have another theorie - if there was no EA beforehand and it went physically straight away the speech pretty much comes straight away.

I guess I am trying to find my own truth somehow for my own situation

Ah, this is such and interesting topic to me because for SO LONG I just wanted to find or understand the truth.

The TRUTH was something I was totally unprepared for and understand now why it took so long. G-d prepared me for the truth because I wouldn't have been able to handle it.

If you can, seek G-d, pray for the answers you are searching for and KNOW that TRUST that G-d will reveal them as he sees fit. Like you say, WH is still in FOG..... and the truth is still somewhere out there.

Like my counsellor is telling me - I am a person very much in need of logic

And because it seems that most waywards seem to also follow the Wayward Script in what they are saying I presumed also their timing would follow a certain script so to speak, meaning the timing of the speech would also be very similar.

I honestly don't know. I just experienced each of the events, or wayward script, not in the time frames..

However... I will say that I thought my WH had been having an A for only 3 years, turns out it was almost 5 years. I can tell you that something changed in that time April-June 06, but I don't know what happened.

This is interesting...

The day before my speech(saturday) I got a text from WH who was at work at the time which said the following: "Will
be finished at noon and will probably go to the city for a bit of dinner and to go sightseeing if I don't feel so tired"

I must have texted something back but can't remember and then he came back with:

"Well the weather is great so seems like a waste not to do something.And I am here over a year and don't know about anything where I live."

I rang him in the evening and he cut me short. He called back later that evening and said he was in the train which was the reason he cut me short but his mood was explosive. I knew then something was going to happen and I got my speech the next day(Sunday).

I also often wonder what the reason for the speech is - beside drawing attention to the affair which I think is completely counter productive I think it's because the WH/WW feels guilty.

Interesting topic. For me, the comment was tossed out on several occasions but I do recall a speech on 7/3/09. (She did her homework on 'marital indifference' and stuck with that for awhile.) Anyhow, this main speech was after I was asked to move out (4/21/09), after the ring disappeared from her finger (5/3/09), and after D-Day (5/25/09).

EA? PA? Still can't say for sure, but I, like many others, have learned enough around here to know that in all likelihood, it is/was the latter.

The pure rage directed at me after WW found out that I called OM (8/12/09) also coaxes me to side with the PA camp.