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Thanks Clay i think about your situation alot too, really really hope from the bottom of my heart that your WS can see the light soon. Today has been good but i am still sedated mode, im not happy or sad just numb, the fight took so much energy out of me but then that seems to be normal according to some posts i read on here. The fight was building up for weeks now its out the way im almost glad of the release of tension, built up anxt and resentment. Im not saying the fight was good i really am not im just trying to hold onto something positive. Maybe now the outburts is done we can refocus on things without all the attached bagage and prevent the bagage from building up as we both know where it can lead and thats not good. will talk with steve tomorrow and see what he says.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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Originally Posted by Brutallyhonest28
but the other side of not feeling like a victim in this situation is what?? I would genuinley like to know

Bh,

The answer is A SURVIVOR....all Betrayed Spouses are victims of their spouses infidelity, but not everyone necessarily always survives....not completely anyway.....

Your personal healing from this travesty is something only YOU can do. It is not something Emo can do for you. Lots of people have been through an affair where their marriage didn't survive. And the still survived and THRIVED without one ounce of help from their Ex's.

I know its not fair......yeah it sucks, but anyone who has every been a victim, whether it be physical abuse in childhood, Sexual abuse, emotional abuse, all of them have to heal on their own and that is usually done without any help from the perpetrator.

Also, as far as getting "angry" or "hurt" by what people post to you here, take a step back.....re-read what those posters tell you. Figure out "WHY" you are angry or hurt. Figure out specifically what was said that hurt you. Then go over it and over it......

For me, I used to get really angry and upset with Mimi when she posted to me. Man, she used to pack me a whollup. And good gosh, I would get so mad. BUT,,,,,,when I took the time to re-read what she was saying, more times than not, she was RIGHT. My behavior, re-action, whatever was going on, usually was a wrong, that needed to be corrected on my part.....


((((((BH)))))))

not2fun


ps....you need to stay off H's thread as well....I am of total agreement that this should be a "safe" place for BOTH of you......

Last edited by not2fun; 11/17/09 03:06 PM. Reason: added ps
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Originally Posted by Brutallyhonest28
I accept that the way i feel isnt for everyone to stomach and appreciate the honesty. I have 3 choises here

1)quit posting due to making people uncomfortable because i am unlike any BS that has been on here before (yes totally feeling like a freack now).

2) carry on posting being myself and accept i am different

3) post only when good things happen as that way no one can get offended but dont know how much help im going to get in that scenario.

someone please tell me what to do cause im really stuck on this one.

I have read your entire post, and believe me you are not different. I have offered no advice b/c i seem to be, much like you, hopeless in my situation. I think many of the same thoughts, have many of the same arguments, etc. Have never been physical but have had some knock down dragouts. All I know is keep trying. If someone says something that you don't like, ignore it. I just feel like I don't have any advice to offer you. Keep trying, it can't hurt.


Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
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Not2fun
Thanks again for the hugs and input, i can see the logic in what you are saying but not sure i can call myself a survivor yet, I survived the first punch now just trying to heal from the injury, can i be a survivor while healing.

As far as posts go i wasnt angry at anyone i was really frustrated because i thought i could communicate my feelings well only to discover i really cant and was really disappointed in myself for not being able to convey situation in a way that was better understood. I make a point to reply to everyone so that eliminates my running away from difficult posts (however it does make my thread rather lengthy). Hopefully ill learn from this that i need to communicate what im feeling better and in a priority mode, yes i feel lots everyday but what part is relevant and can i get help with on here etc. Just venting on here is not productive.

I totally agree we need to stay off eachothers threads thats why i moved his post on here from earler on today to his own thread so he doesent have an excuse to look at mine and people can discuss things with him directly on his thread. I didnt read any of his post just moved thread.

Hurtandshocked

thanks for your support too im sorry your feeling bad too, i hope i can catch up with your site when i get back on MB sometime next week. I will keep trying and will try to learn from previous errors, I am new to this site and i am definitley no expert dont sell yourself short i am sure you have advise to offer when you are ready to do so.

As far as trying goes i want to get 2 things out of this site and if i feel that i cant get them then its only fair i retreat,

1) i want to get the help and advise from varied people who are in SAA position.

2) I want to help (directly or indirectly) people who are in SAA position.

I have got a great deal of love and care from members here and they are my sanity line in this mess, but i have also overstepped the mark in direct advise i have given and i am ashamed of that, there is one post in particular i want to apologise for but feel too ashamed to even bring it up so i will refrain from posting for a while unless i feel that i can be fair in a situation without anger being able to transfer onto the person i am trying to help people on here are in vulnerable positions and having experienced one or two bad posts i now know how bad this can feel so will be careful with others.





BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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Well hey BH
Don't know about mature(unless you're harrassing me about my age)lol. Feel like an immature schoolgirl asking if her boyfriend likes her most of the time lately, but thank you for the compliment. WS - don't know how sheltered-yes he is physically speaking unless the EA went further than I know and he is admitting to, but he has always been the life of the party, a big flirt. Not one that made you feel uncomfortable, just a real nice guy that always made you feel good about yourself. In fact, that is something I always loved about him. Easy to talk to, kept everything light and funny. I just hope I can value that again. I hope he hangs on with all his might to me and our many years together, our family unit and I really hope I can hold on until he comes back full force. You and I we're hoping for the same things. Apologies, honesty, remorse, explanations....restitution, valued for who we are and what we have been through, loved without a shadow of doubt, convinsed that we are first and only choice, forever chosen because we give their life hope, peace and they are better men because they love us! Well to much to ask for?


Me:BS-47
Him:WH-45
married 25 yrs
DD:22:married Dec 09
DS:20
DS:17
EA:Feb 09-May 09
Contact thru Sept.09
Nc in place Nov 09
trying to recover since then
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Nope not too much to ask for but too much to ask for in one go. Priority of what you need most right now and try and discuss with your H, see if you can tackle one at a time. Hoever as i have found out the hard way apology wont happen fast that one takes forever, if you explain once why you need it and leave it at that it will then have been communicated to H and he can think about it and get back to you in his own time. Beleive me it will mean more done this way, I pushed instrustions of how i want apology down WS throat so much that when he did it was like i was apologising to myself the poor guy had no idea what he was saying. Now i dont expect the full blown up shebang, I am happy with little and often i really am. Today for example i didnt even need to tell him what i was sad about when we drove to the spot where he first told me he loved me, he knew just knew and volontarely said im sorry without explanation. It meants sooo much more. So my advise will be just break it down for him one need at a time. too much might overwhealm him


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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BH,

Just checking in on you....don't you have your session with Steve, today? I hope it goes well for you both. Listen to him closely and follow everything he tells you to a "t".

BB

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Hey Brits councelling at 8:30pm our time and 2:30 Central time so in a couple of hours. However i did say i would not post on here for a couple of days something has happened and i need help

WS is going through investigation at work and is likely to now get sacked, this is due to COW framing him by basically leaving a store gate open on monday during her shift, WS does not work near that department so he was unaware of this gate, when managment arrived the next morning they advised WS that he should have checked all gates locked (he usually does this with the help of the store sensor, there are door sensors on every gate and if one gate is open it would allert WS before lockdown) this gate in question is the only gate that has had the sensor removed because it is broken and therefore its permanently shut. No one entered the store and stole anything overnight but WS is being done for miscunduct and not following procedure of phisically checking all gates locked. I am happy that he may not be working there any longer but upset as no job means no money for Xmas. COW did this soo on purpose and i am really miffed at situation because once again its the kids that suffer the most. How do i overcome urge to retailiate?? please help me, i am trying to be more serene but COW is really making it difficult. The new job application was sent today will be hearing back soon but as of the nature of the job it requires a CRB check (criminal records check) this is not a problem because WS does not have criminal record but its an issue because a CRB check takes minimum of a month to come through as its very detailed check.

M has been put on the back burner while we try to figure out what to do and how to survive bills etc with xmas coming up, I am gutted really didnt need this right now (or ever really) and the fact that COW has a hand in it, it makes me so upset. I dont understand why she has kicked off, there has been NC between her and my family for atleast 9 months now so i just dont get it, maybe she was wating for the first opportunity or maybe she was ok until JJ started work there and saw how friendly WS and new manager are and got threatened.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,535
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Hi BH28

I'm sorry about the look of the job. Not great timing. It's easy for me to say "look at it as an opportunity."


I was made redundant in the summer and then reinstated for fewer hours. We were gutted about the loss in money but it did give me time to focuson my M and family.

You guys maybe finacially poorer at Xmas, but wouldn't it be fab for those kiddies if there Xmas was soooo rich because there parents had had more opportunity to work on a loving relationship with each other. Worth so much more than them than bucket loads of plastic crap that gets stuck in everyone's feet and creates yet more housework.

I love the smile my DD has when she catches me and H in a hug. If work does dry up for your H - take advantage.

Thank OW for giving you the opportunity to spend more time on each other.

I am now pleased that I lost hours and financially we got a bit lucky with coming out of a fixed deal on our mortgage and DS flooding the house so that insurers gave us a �30 a day meals allowance while we styed 24 nights in a hotel whilst work was going on. We didn't spend the money because friends and family cooked for us. We have since returned the favour by cooking for them.

Quite often these things are never as bad as they first seem. There willbe a silverlining to this.

Hope your counselling session is succesful

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SOS call, my appointment with steve was 30 mins ago keep calling but getting his answerphone is this normal?? i assume these appointments can run over time but getting worried as 30 mins so just need to check with the pople who have used coaching, is this normal, i have left message as directed


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 418
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Dear BH

So sorry to hear about the job, can your friend JJ help in this situation at all. Can it be proved that COW left the gate open? If not be carefull about involving corporate in all this mess.

I like what staytogether had to say, you and your husband together forever, wonderful loving x-mass priceless. Hang in there and breath....this to will pass.


Me:BS-47
Him:WH-45
married 25 yrs
DD:22:married Dec 09
DS:20
DS:17
EA:Feb 09-May 09
Contact thru Sept.09
Nc in place Nov 09
trying to recover since then
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Ok panic over, got through to steve had coaching (hes just as stubbon as you lot) and now been given some home truths about party (i really thought i could talk him round to letting me go! nope the man is stubbon and really got my character down to a tee).

WS talking to Steve now so i have taken chance to jump on here and hijack PC. The quick version of advise by steve is tell WS he is attractive to me when he does something right (doh why didnt i think of that one, really?? why didnt I? feelind really dumb) it makes perfect sense to appeal to his admiration side to help him progress! He has been feeling really down because he hasnt had many cuddles from me but i have been so self involved that i havent really noticed his pain. Thanks Steve its frustrating to when something so simple makes so much sense yet i just didnt see it.

As far as WS job, yeah i can definitley see the silver lining but gutted and i mean gutted for the bull we are going to have to deal with when no paycheck comes in next month. Yes I can stil be there for the kids but my first instinct is to pick up every extra shift available at work to make sure the bills get paid. Ill rather hell freezes over before i allow the kids to have another miserable christmas because of COW, I see it now as a challenge to make sure they have the best time ever. I can ask my mum and his parents for a loan and they would happily help so i can work something out but still really weirded out by OW sudden attack. WTF? where did all that come from i literally havent been near her in over 9 months, JJ is trying to help WS by pointing out that the company should have had working equipment on that gate etc and giving him ammunition to fight with but i dont know if the investigation next week will go well and although we CAN prove COW left gate open, it wont change the fact that WS didnt check it before leaving the store, the responsibility ultimately lies with him, she know this and she would have been caught on camera opening the gate but nothing can be done to her as she didnt do anything to brake procedure as far as company concerned. I really wanted to retaliate when i found out about this but I really feel like I would be giving her what she wants (more drama) if i did and to be honest i have better things to be getting on with, if she is so sad as to do something so cruel then she is beyond help. She is truly not worth it and for once im starting to see that i dont think shes vile anymore i just think she is a very very sad and lonley person that needs to get a life before her daughter gets old enough to learn form her behaviour as her 18 year old sister is alrady coping her and is now in A with married security guard in store.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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BH, I can see that it has been very painful to have yllan working with the OW for all these months.

However, what do you think you will do with all that anger when OW is no longer present in your lives as a target to hate?

From what I've read, she occupies a huge area of your life and sucks up much of your mental energy. She seems to have become the focus of your emotions, and you also seem unable to 'see' yllan without seeing her.

BH, feeling anger is understandable, but constantly feeding that anger is a choice. You may not feel that you are 'choosing' to feed the rage, but the blunt fact is that you could 'choose' not to put her centre-stage in your mind and keep her there. Punishing yllan by keeping her alive in your marriage as a reminder of how much he hurt you, is also punishing you. Can you see that?

If yllan is 'let go' next week, then the OW will no longer be a problem in your life. What then?

TA


"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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Hey TA, i dont think my attempt at a better attitude is coming through but ill try to give it another go, i have stated that i feel sorry for her, i have stated the she is no longer my problem. i was hoping that those attitude changed (as oppoed to got to teach her a lessong, and shes going down or even i really want to help her be a better person thoughts) would have come accross as slight improvements, i have hated her for so long its not going to change overnight and to be honest why waste engergy on trying not to hate her or even thinking about ways not to hate her, so maybe just maybe thinking "shes not my problem anymore" can go some way in addressing me feeding that anger, TA i could have done alot of things to retaliate but im not even going to waste anymore time to list them because it simply isnt worth it all I need to hold onto is that i didnt retaliate (and beleive me i have been waiting for her to give me a reason to floor her for a while now).
Thats what matters here I didnt retaliate = I have learned something new.

As far as where my anger wil be directed now im concerned about that too, i dont think it will go to WS, i care about him too much (hence why i used her as anger focus in the first place) i think there is a chance it will be directed at myself as i am the only person left to take it. Dont know how this will manifest itself but know its very probable and will just have to ride it out.
Please beleive me when i say I AM TRYING TO CHOOSE NOT TO FEED THE ANGER but got to find a way to do that fully.
The thing that has struck me the most is what MBers told me at the beginning that when you get on here no matter how long it has been since A when you are not in recovery it will make D-Day seem like only yesterday and it will awaken all the emotions back. For 6 months I have been sedated, i was on autopilot so now i have woken up i am getting bitten in the backside by all the stuff that i missed, It does feel like D-Day was only yesterday and i dont know what state of mind you guys where when D-Day happened but i guarantee if you try to remember you werent all that wise and logical infact im sure everyone would have gone through anger etc. You all learned how to disperse it appropriately not please teach me.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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The anger goes a long way back to childhood.That is what, I think, Steve was talking about when he mentioned the sore leg If you are carrying unhealed emotional wounds from childhood the A is an added extra which fuses with unresolved residual anger from previous events.It tears away the scar tissue and exposes and reactivates the old sore.

My D day not only brought its own devastation but reactivated a betrayal by my parents.I suddenly realised that I carried a lot of anger which had been projected onto me by my BH father . His method of dealing with my mothers a was to to lose his temper with me. A far more effective way of revenging himself on her because she was always very upset when that occured.

The net result of all this emotional turmoil which filled the house with tension was to cause me to believe that my bad behaviour was to blame.

Children are egocentrically set up to take responsibility when there is a problem.

I think your best course of action is to get the most out of your other counselling sessions to figure out where your anger really originates.

BEST WISHES

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When I was 28, more than 60% of my life had been in less than desirable environments. I had no role-models for "containing" my emotions. And I was terrified of others' emotional reactions, in particular "anger" or "rage". In contrast, my husband's response to "conflict" was to "engage". So I'd withdraw, and he'd pursue. I found myself in that same emotional trap that I had with all my heart had tried to avoid. I grew up with violence. While I admire the fictional "Scarlett OHara" for her strong will and how she set aside her own desires in order to do the necessary things in caring for her family - she was a tough woman. But she was also prone to tantrums. She'd revert back to the "spoiled brat" behavior sometimes. She epitomized my mother.

I hated that cycle - the temper, the loss of self control, then the damage control, then the reconciliation and recovery - I saw fewer and fewer completions to reconciliation and recovery than I saw the process stop at damage control - barely.

My parents had no clue the impact their violence and lack of self-control had on me.

But when my relationship with my husband started breaking down, the first 12 years of our marriage were mostly sweet, because we managed to get through to reconciliation and recovery. But then at the 12th year, just before our 12th anniversary, it all blew apart.

At that point, I started learning my personal path to recovery.

I still hate conflict and confrontation. But I hate the consequences of not speaking up and of not having boundaries more. So I do those necessary tough minded things.

I think the thing that helped me the most was the book - Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - and the process of working through the maturation process from dependence to independence to synergy. Dependence is that place we start - where our behaviors are conditional upon the behaviors of others - we live in reaction instead of action. The process of thinking instead of reacting is a tough habit to develop.

The next book I studied in my quest to become the kind of woman I wanted to be, regardless of what happened to me was "The Four Agreements". This one taught me how to not take anyone personally - which again, helped me choose to "respond" instead of "react".

Harley's books saved my marriage. But these other two books saved "me".


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Hey Miopia and Kyla

Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experiences with me I do understand what you are referring to and i am sorry you had those experiences. I think that i have to give you a breaf summary of events that have made me what i am today in order to hopefully help myself.

1981 = I was born out of an A between my mother and a married family man and father of 3 girls, my mother loved my father more than life itself, my father saw my mother as the latest conquest in a string of A he has had. She has fallen pregnant by him before and after me yet she terminated those pregnancies and kept me because i was concieved at a time when she felt she needed something to keep him when he was loosing interest.

1983 = While present in the house my mother shoots my father in the abdomen twice, she had caught him in bed with an 18 year old kid and completely flips at him as she feels she had given up her family and everything for him. i was only two so has no memory of this, she then turns the gun onto herself but is interrupted by police. I am sent to live with my grandparents my mother only serves a minimal sentance because my father figuers that if he doesent support her claim of self defence in court he would be stuck with me.

1983-1989 I am raised by my grandparents in the most loving evironment, i am spoilt and surrounded by love and although my mother only served 9 months in prison she has now disappeared to party for 6 years leaving me with my granparents. I am legally adopted by my granparents and brought up to beleive they are my mum and dad and my mother is my sister.

1989 my mother decided she wants to chase my father yet again, they been having on/off relationship since the shooting but my father has met someone that threatens my mother so she uses me as a weapong to try and get him back to her, I am literally yanked from my parents (grandparents) and taken accross the world i was never told my mother was my bioligical mother, no one explained anything to me i just felt so much sadness and still remember the pain of missing my parents.

1989 - 1995 really six years of hell, my mother is determined to get my father she publicly attacks him (in court she literally takes her shoed off and tries to hit him with them), she turns up at his and his new womans appartment and makes me stand in the street in rags while she shouts how he should help look after me. She looses it a few times and i end up taking the brunt of her anger, still have scars from those days. I have gone from a loving environment with my grandparents to living in squallor, being beaen and used as bait on a regular basis, lets not even mention my mothers numerous male friends who would see me as an easy plaything to mess with. None of them actually managed to Rape me but a few got close.

1995 My father decides to bring up the shooting court case again (legally he could ask for a retrial in his own country if he felt that there was a mistrial in the country where original trial took place) he truly has had enough of the screaming, broken car windows and my mothers constaint chasing him. My mother finally gives up on him meet a man in the UK and once again Yanks me from any security i had built myself in Italy (friends, school, support sistem no matter how small). I arrive here aged 14 not speaking english and was an easy target for bullies at school, spent years hiding in the school toilets to avoid being made to get on my knees and kiss yet another bullys shoes to avoid a beeting.

1997- my mother has twins with my stepfather (he is a lovely person and was good to me) she has depression after the birth and leaves me to look after the children, at this point i have joined the church and my circle of friends were all christian teens so i wasnt a wayward kid, my mother bans me from going out and have to be in from school straight away or will get a beating and i have the sole responsibility for my brothers, I snap and take an overdose the overdose is so serious that i am admitted to a volontary psychiatric hospital for 9 months, there i am finally free to be a teenager. I am able to be normal amongst other teens in same life circumstances and do alot of healing.

1997 - 2000 i finally reach 18, I move out, i go to school, work in a supermarket then onto a pizza place to support myself, i am still not free of my mother as i am still in the same town. While i was in hospital i meet WS via letters, we become friends and penpals he lives an hour away so when our feelings become stronger for eachother over a period of a year i move to be near him, quit school get a room in a girly flat share and a good job with a travel insurance assistance company. I still have contact with my mother ( i couldnt just abandon the babies i had raised for her). I fall pregnant at 18 with DS and mother insists WH marries me, I dont have the strenght to argue, we get have a pitiful wedding in a registry office (i wanted him to marry me because he wanted to not because my mother was forcing him and as any little girl had dreams of a nice wedding).

2000 - 2004 Unlike other teens in this country WH and i decide not to go onto benefits and work hard to get a mortgage and buy our own house, we struggle financially but feel proud we are achieving something, 2003 i fall pregnant with DS number 2, i am happy as he was planned however this is short lived because when i get to my 23 weeks scan i am told he has major heart problems and offered a termination, at this stage i still have my christian faith, i refuse and pray and pray he survives, i have to quit work due to the stress of the pregnancy and we loose our house.

2004 - DS is born, his heart problems are not as severe as originally seen on scan, however he is born 6 weeks early only at only 3lb in weight, he has to undergo a heart operation due to mistakes at the hospital and having been given a medication that alters the blood flow to his heart becaus of the original misdiagnosis he is in critical condition for 10 days, at 10 days old he has emergency surgeory for another mistake hospital makes, they insert a drip in his neck using a needle too big for him and this causes the fluid to burst out of the vain flooding his heart and lungs, again he is in critical condition for weeks. I am still praying at this time, t 6 weeks he has swollen abdomen, i get told that he has blocked bowel, i insist he has not as not throwing up and pooping ok so didint understand where they get the blocked bowel idea from (at this point i am very untrusting of hospital) they insist, they stave him for 7 days while awaiting for a slot in theater, i cant hold him because the minute he smells my milk he starts crying for food again. DS goes into theater and is operated on surgeon wont face me he is hiding, i catch up with him and i am told i was right there is no blocked bowel so all that suffering was unecessary. by then DS has has so many operations and has caught so many infections in hospital his lungs are shot to pieces he is put on oxygen for 9 months. He comes home briefly on oxygen therapy, he stops brathing one night and WS resussitates him while I stand in shock, he is diagnosed with menemgitis and spends another 9 months in hospital. during all this time WS is living with first DS in hostel and i am living in hospital with baby. We get offered housing by government just before baby leaves the hospital the first time.

2005 WH and me are in huge court case against hospital wanting to do another operation on son, we disagree with yet another unecessary operation without proof that he needs it (they basically wanted to close off his stonach and feed him via a direct tube in his abdomen becaue they thought his food was getting into his lungs, numerous scans showed that no food was entering the lungs so we were opposing this drastic step) Hopsital gets child protective service involved we fight to keep our kids for 18 moths in the process i am accused of being a bad parent because i had a bad upbringing therefore will not know how to be a good mother, First DS is not even looked at by childrens services as he was doing well and therefore prooved their case wrong. We win the fight we clear our neame only to have a gag order issued by judge that we cannot discuss what happened to us with anyone, two child services workers resign due to the way our family was treated. I loose faith in people and God.

2006 Just recovering from all the above get pregnant with DS 3 no breathing space or recovery time from above trauma. He is healthy and beautiful.

2007 i fall pregnant with DS 4 again he is healthy but i am in shock as was done having babies ( I have poly cystic ovarian syindrome i dont get periods and was declared clinically infertile) I am happy but by now overwhealmed by kids. I love them but there is only one of me and 4 of them all 3 under five and in nappies, busy busy life.

2008 - After 5 years brake i decided its time to go back to work its time to start being a person again not just a mum, to the shock of everyone i land the insurance job with huge company, there were 23 people fighting for the position and i got it, I felt so proud and my confidence was soaring, I started to buy nice clothes (not the joggers and tshirts i lived in daily), loosing weight and getting hair and nails done regularly. Kids happy, I am happy. WS has A.

2008-now Struggling with A, struggling with this latest punch life has thrown at me and yes i have anger but i also have sadness and when anger subsides all that is left is the immense sadness. WS reminds me of my dad who has abandoned me, I remind myself of my mother who wrecked her life chasing my father, this situation is bringing out alot of unwanted and buried issues.

So thats me guys thats what happened in my 28 years of life so far and all i am concentrating on is a future where this bull will stop.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

Joined: Apr 2001
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Wow! You are an incredible survivor.

I have a friend who's mother shot his father - he's an incredible artist, but still struggles with his relationships because of abuse and abandonment.

I know you may not feel much like a survivor right now. But start counting every day you stood up for yourself and your family as a victory. You'll find that you've done that a lot over the last few years.

It's hard to see God in the pain and suffering; sometimes it seems like He just left you to fend for yourself. But here are a few things to help you see His hand in your life. You had a number of years with loving grandparents so you know what a loving home is like. You prevailed in court, against a predatory medical system (we had an incident like that happen in Utah a few years ago, where the medical system tried to force chemo onto a healthy kid they had mis-diagnosed as having a particularly bad kind of cancer and wouldn't give the parents a chance to get a second opinion. They said the boy would be dead within six months if they didn't start treatment immediately - turns out the doctor in question was running trial for a pharma company and needed data). You have Marriage Builders and Steve Harley helping you through an extremely difficult time where you're feeling the effects of infidelity.

How are your brothers now? They must be in their teens?


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Hey Kyla,
Thanks but i wish i was a better person so i can snap out of Victim mode in this situation. I gave you guys the lowdown of my life in the hope of explaining that the affair was the last straw at the end of lots of bull adn the reason why I have a blunt personality. I dont mind my life , I dont feel sorry for myself anymore, It was only when i had kids myself that things hit me on how a parent should feel about their kids and that made me revisit how my parents didnt feel about me up until that point i didnt know anything else now i know how much i love my kids and would protect adn prepare them form the horrors of the world for as long as i can i am sad my perents didnt feel this way about me.

My brothers oh dear thats a real mess they are now 12 and a year ago i felt i had no choice but to report my mother to childrens services (social services in UK) because i had witnessed one too many incidents when she stood there shouting at my stepdad in front of them telling him she doesent love him and they are the only reason she is there, it was such a tantrum and lots of other things were said that the kids didnt need to hear. In the middle of this fight (also happened in front of WH) I looked over at one of the twins and he looked so so sad, I told my mum calmly to just stop a second and look at him, she shrugged me off i then took the kids out for lunch to get them out of the house. She has also exposed them to explicit sexual material via posters and objects left around the house, one of my brothers then went on to act inappropriately with a girl at shcool (he was only 10 at that time) so i made a note of all of this and reported her, but when they investigated they saw that my mother and stepfather were well off and they had just got back from a holiday in USA so they thought that kids cant really be in bad situation and closed the file (its as if they think only poor kids can be abused). I dont know how else to protect the twins from my mother. She is very intimidating (yes even for the outspoken blunt me) I do try to have them over at my house on school holidays and they go home telling her why cant she be more like me, she then gets resentful and bans them from coming over for a while.
My stepdad is no help he is now involved in A himself (my mother knows and doesent care as long as he keeps paying the bills she married him for his money and out of desperation to get away from the courtcase being reopened in Italy) so stepdad is away quite a bit with the OW.

Ps social services were also so moronic that they forwarded my letter (written by me and my therapist reporting my mother and requested to be anonimous) to my mother by clerical error. So i cant contact them again or she will know its me and all hell will break loose and i wont be able to keep an eye on my brothers. for an organisation desined to protect children their incompetency baffles me.



BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
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Whew BH, you've been to hell in back in your short life. But you know, you can take that madness and turn it into something GREAT. What an inspiration you can be to your own children, how you've gone through all of that and are still standing. You can SHOW them what true forgiveness looks like.

I can see where your anger comes from and unfortunately your husband is the target, as is the OW-- two more people that have betrayed you in your life. The difference now, is that you have help to deal-- this isn't something you have to fight alone. You can let go. It's okay. Let someone take care of you for a change and you don't have to fight other people's battles for them.

I recognize myself in you to a degree. For a long time, I could go from zero to sixty in seconds when someone crossed me. That gets old sooner or later and it takes so much out of you physically, emotionally and spirtually.

Give those babies a hug and thank GOD for the gift of them. Your FWH can do what he will but your job for now is to work on your own healing.

See the triangle at the top of the page? That's really symbolic for a GOOD marriage. As long as your both looking UP towards Him, the closer you'll get to each other. I'm going to pray for you and your family, that God sends an unnatural peace and calm, and that you experience JOY and HAPPINESS like you never have before. There's a purpose for your life, and all your life experiences have been leading up to now --- for such a time as this.

(((BH)))


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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