Hey BB and ST,
Got back from work and WS is still here he stayed the night as had no where to go as his parents wont have him i made him swear to me that he would not read my thread and he has shown no signs of knowing about my thoughts last night. Things were still separate last night, he was doing his own thing and i was on here. He has made a list of all the negatives of splitting up and has asked that i give him until Steves session on monday so he can decide for sure what he wants to do. I feel calmer and although not sure chat with Steve will go well I am hoping that by him not leaving this is a good sign that he was trying me to see if i would back off him working on M and go back to the horrible life we had before, he soon realised that i rather be alone and struggle than be in a relationship based on me giving more of myself and not getting anything back.
He does this once in a while when he want out of something that is getting to him like working on himself, I have always begged him to stay offering to back off not mention A ever again etc but as you guessed by my nature im not good at holding things in and the subject of A will rear its ugly head within weeks of promise.
Its like everytime he tryes something he purposely fails and says "there you go i tryed that and it didnt work now will you just get over it?" and as much as i want to we all know it doesent work that way.
I am feeling ok today havent had much chance to think of self harm as work was manic, kids are out seeing raindeer display with MIL and FIL so dont feel very overwhelmed, have slight upset as WS goes back to work with OW tomorrow after a weeks holiday so can see the daily anxiety coming back but what can i do about that? I have learned to distract myself but when you feel low you cant concentrate on much like TV or reading so will try and go to sleep early.

I am so sorry that i have scared BB and made you so worried i really am, please let me reassure you again that by me telling someone about what i am thinking regarding self harm is a preventative for me and im sorry you got scared. I really care about member on MB to me they arent just words on the screen they are people who are loving and giving and even when they are being tough its never done out of malice so I would not do this to you or anyone on here just so i go self harm and leave you feeling horrible.

BH,

My advice to you is to take the stuff he already packed up and throw it out the front door. It's not YOUR problem if he has no place to sleep. He's a big boy and can figure it out. Let him sleep in his car and wash up at work.

If he has to make a list, make sure he has all the facts. Let him find out what it's like to be without his family.

Boot his hiney out the door.

Then...

change the locks.

Give him the Plan B letter that you post here first for feedback, and be done with his a$$ until he is ready to be a husband. That would include no longer being employed where OW works.

This is going to wear you down emotionally even further.

I packed tst's stuff up and told him to pick it up within three days or Goodwill would come pick it up. You don't deserve to continually be treated like this.

Tell him to keep his appointment with Steve if he's interested in saving his family.

In the Plan B letter, specify that he can no longer work with OW AND he must present a recovery plan that he has worked through with Steve Harley. Until those two things have been completed, you do not want to hear from him in any way.

BH, Plan B is about protecting yourself emotionally. Now you are beginning to understand WHY it is so important. A BS can completely break down after dealing with a wayward for so long.

Your husband's attitude has been wayward the entire time he has been here on this board. He hasn't "tried for 6 weeks". He reminds me of my FWH during our false recovery. We went to counseling together for a few sessions. It was all so he could say he tried, but it's not going to work. That's what your husband has done here.

tst also mentioned in an earlier post to you yesterday that your WH is either still in his affair or in a new one. Everytime that tst has said this on the board, it has later come out that he was correct.

Your husband had not been "working on recovery."

I'm sorry. I know you are in a dark place right now. We've all been there...and we've all survived. You will, too.

Pull yourself out of the pit and take control of your life. Your WH is unsafe and has no place in your life right now. Protect yourself. Protect your children.

Excellent advice, SMB

One thing to add:

NO MAN is worth depriving your children of a mother. NO MAN!

If WH is driving you to lose your grip, he needs to go. NOW. Yesterday. Gone. Done. He'll have to earn his way back from outside the home.

Next time you start down the self-destructive thoughts and you want some kind of cold water to dash on that fire, consider him and OW raising your children...

Then wash your face, put on a clean conscience and get down to finding your mojo again. But get the poison out of your space.

No one can love your babies like you can.

Dear BH:

I second, third, fourth, fifith, sixth, seventh .....well you get the picture, everything that smb and kalaAndy say. It is time. I didn't want to say this before but I will now. when your WH posted on my sight it made me very uncomfortable. After reading his thread and "hearing and seeing" his excuses for EA and then PA, I really felt he had no business posting on any woman's site. But, I am nor can I be objective about this. It is really difficult in most instances for me to get advise from WS, because I kind of think all of them are jerks right now, mine being the biggest of course.

I think you are being given excellent advise, let him experience life without his family, no more cake eating. You are a survivor, you will come out on the better end of this. Either a better more committed husband and marriage or a woman on her own living life to its fullest with the ability to offer any man worthy of her gifts, the best life has to offer.

Hang in there BH...you can survive this.

I agree with everything they say, too. NO man is worth your kids losing you. NO MAN.

I just spent 6 days with my D19 at her college dorm (her job wouldn't let her off work to come home, so I went there). It reinforced for me how important I am to her. I've almost 'let go' several times, just to get away from my H. But the only real loser in that situation would have been my daughter. And it's not fair to her to have to deal with that.

Same for you and your kids. NO MAN is worth that.

Listen to them. Protect yourself your worth it.

HI Bh28


What's your plan? I think we're unanimous here

Hey Everyone thank you so much for the support sorry i havent had a chance to respond till now, went to bed early last night as was exhausted after a day of "being normal" at work despite really wanting to just be in curled up in bed.
I agree with everything you guys are saying and I have survived worse things than a separation and thinking and agreeing with you as my own mother called me yesterday and said the same as you guys (she is unaware of thoughts) she called and caught me unaware so i blabbed as to situation with WS and his fantasy land where he actually thinks that life wont be that bad on his own. She loves adores and worships WS and has never ever ever been on my side and I have kept my mouth shut about the way things have been since A she is aware of A and was the one to tell me i got to suck it up men do these things just get on with being a wife and mother, however yesterday she told me to let him go to get rid of him as he seems to beleive that living in his car for a year so he can save up is a good thing he actually answered me seriousely when i asked where will you shower what will you do about needing the toilet how will you save money when you have to eat takeaways as no place to cook ets. he had the answer to all of that. He is in la la land and my mother is actually getting him an inflatable pillow for xmas so he can use in his car. My mother has never been on my side ever and for her to be in favour of kicking him out is a total shock to my system.

As far as him being worth me harming myself over, its not actually about him, i have no faith in my parenting skills i am scared to the core of how the kids will turn out without both parents, he says he will always be there for them but he forgets that i know him better than he knows hiself and can see him disappearing within months of separation, leaving kids devastated. He doesnt know how to put his family first now that he is with us how the heck will he be when he is on his own i can see alot of noshows to visits with kids etc and the thought of coping with all of this stunts me. If i could leave him with the kids and go i would because then they would be left with the better parent. There is no community no family help no respite help where I live each person thinks only about themselves, we live in a council estate and its full of disfunctional families its full of crimes and drugs, how can I protect the kids on my own how can i steer them away from all this badness around here on my own when i dont even have the streanght to look after myself. If I had someone to help me get through the first week of separation i think i would be ok but i have to do it all on my own and its OVERWHEALMING. Plus and this is a big plus Xmas is around the corner its such a horrible time to do this to the kids. I have been with this man my entire adult life I dont know how to be me again. I depend on him more than i should, because he is here he makes me think i am cared about, when he goes the hopeless/unlovable feelings kick in and then the self destruction follows.
My plan right now is to get through today with Steve coaching then him going to work, the rest i dont know i really dont, I am taking each day as it comes. I know thats not the way to do it but I am thinking of going back on the anti depressants to help me thought the separation and they take 3 weeks to kick in so January is my D Day. How does that plan sound to you guys am i still being a [censored]? First priority is to feel safe and drown the overwhealming feelings then numb with Antidepressants then do what I need to do whatever that may involve, kicking WS out or letting him try at home.

HI BH28

I think it is a good idea for you to have a plan. I was encouraged here to go my separate ways immediately with H after his last abusive bout, but I decided to cling on for a bit longer so that we could go on holiday together as a family rahter than spoil that for the kids. I was confident that he wouldn't be violent again in the near future. And Iknew the verbal and emotional abuse would be low level.

We were able to plan the moving out bit together so that it was a smooth transaction fo the children, which worked well for us. I really think he has to go. Make it your plan to be independant.

Now then as for no support where you are - I bet there is. Look up Sure start and get involved with your local sure start centre. You sound like you are in just the area to have such a thing. They will provide you with parenting support and provide activities for you to go to wiht your children, they will also provide info on avaiability of local childcare if you need to explore that. Where I am they occaionally advertise for volunteers to "befriend" people with young families, gte our self one of them too.

If you want to email me your location I wil investigate what your local service offers.

This is a terrific new service that the government are offering to help families keep stable and to build communities. The one where I am has really taken off.

GEt to the docs and get those anti-ds, and then then you can make a list here of each point on your plan to work towards giving you confidence for when H moves out. OR in private in case he reads here.

You can provide the right environment for your children and if it is the way it is meant to be, you can do this w/o your H.

Positive thinking


You are the best mother for your children. IS that doc appt booked?

Dear BH

I second what staytogether has said, and yes you do have a working plan. Dr.'s for medical intervention, seek out a therepist or stay with steve for personal counseling, we're alright, but not professional. Then check into community services, and see a lawyer, make him pay every way you can. Absolutly sleep in the car, lucky if you let him keep it.

How can a mother, a parent be the worst one when you are the one to already be concerned with the well being of your children? Tackle one day at a time. If he doesn't show up for the kids, then deal with that as it comes. Right now, those boys need a parent, mother who puts herself in a healthy place, loves herself enough to stay safe and keep them safe. WH gets to fend for himself. all that effort you've been putting in to meet his needs and get yours met now just got cut in half. Now you're first, boys second. you have to be there to be "there " for them.

You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent, sensitive woman. When you are ready, WS will either come running home or you will find yourself running into a bright, new future. One that involves the people you want in it.

Thinking of you and holding you in my heart.

Hi BH-

Check with the Salvation Army in your area for resources. They're international, and may have a center near you. They have all kinds of support for moms and kids. They can help with the Christmas stuff too.


Please don't be so hard on yourself. It seems to me that you are questioning your parenting skills based on your WH's choices. His choices have nothing to do with you. And he is most definitely NOT "the better parent". The better parent is the one who is there-no matter what.

When I was going through the worst of it, I was very worried about my YS (then 14). I was separated, going through chemo and my then WH was set on D. To top it off, my DD had just gotten married and my OS had just started college 300 miles away so my YS had to deal with them "leaving" as well. I was so worried about him and all he was keeping bottled in so I took him to my IC. Although the IC didn't share with me what he and my YS talked about, the IC did say something that helped me to not worry so much. He said "Your YS knows that he is deeply loved. We can survive a lot if we know that we are deeply loved." Your sons will be able to do the same.

You aren't much older than my DD, so I do feel a bit "protective" of you. I wish I could reach out and hug you to let you know that I'm here for you, just like others on this site. So, consider this a "cyber" hug from one mama bear to another. We are here when you need us.

(((BH28))

I commented earlier on not being to hard on yourself also. I can assure you that spending time in healthy relationships with your children and with people who seek love will bring positive change. I have not read enough to see if you have a faith or a personal faith in God. I am sure that you will find the strength and integrity that you are exhibiting here to line up with his heart. Keep seeking and asking for help and don't be ashamed that you need hope. We all do.
Your plan looks good to me and I see how you are afraid but get the meds and hold on. It seems like it will never end but there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. A Child needs his mother. You might not feel like you can do this but you are able. Somewhere I read that a mother is where a boy learns about how to treat women. We all have heard that you can tell a lot about a man by how he treats his mother. You have four boys and it must be a handful. You probably need to appeal to thier sense of fairness but just stand your ground and stand for love. I can't really give you counsel on them because I am a Dad. I am sure that there are resources out there with people that are strong enough to admit love is the answer and can show your sons the measure of a Man. Keep your head up you will get thru this. It will take time so take life one day at a time.

Hey everyone just thougth i would check in quickly, Im so sorry i havent been around the past couple of days, nothing new has happened but i have been super bogged down with work and house and kids and organising xmas and settling Pups in their new homes i have been falling asleep by 9pm every evening.

I will post the full update tomorrow as i finally have a day off work.

I am safe, I think I am ok and got meds prescription from the GP although not started taking them yet. Hope you are all ok and i am really missing chatting to you.

Glad you checked in.

BH,

When I commented to you about not going to the Christmas party, you said you spoke to Steve about it and it is a closed matter.

What exactly does that mean?

Hey SMB

I said I was working on it with Steve. Its not as easy as a closed matter. Me and Steve have come up with a plan WS needs to help make it happen, then xmas party subject WILL be closed. I have been plannig for this party for a year and its not going to go away just like that. I have discussed it with Steve at every coaching session including the one last monday the 30th. WS took me to the store the previous week and it helped alot to burst the bubble but its still not gone away. I know what you will all think of this but I got to be honest here, Its just not going to disappear all on its own overnight. Im sorry about the way I am obsessed with it but in a way i cant help it and i am seeking the right path to resolve the issue thats all i can offer right now.

The plan Steve set out is to go on our own soclial event on the night of the party instead, not go out just me and WS as I will be thinking about party all night but going out with other couples in a social group will help immensly. WS has to arrange evening and ofcourse WS has done no arranging so far.

Have you filled your prescription yet?

yes got meds cat but not started taking them yet. Had appointment with the family homeopath yesterday and he has given me some homeopathic remedy to try out first, if that doesent help then i have the antidepressants as backup.