I don't know about that, Krazy. The people in recovered marriages (notice I say recovered, not recovering) say their marriage is now better than it was before the infidelity. Apparently the end result was worth the pain they endured.

Not that every WS can be recovered with, of course; some don't want to, or turn out to not be worth the trouble. Sometimes the BS simply does not want to recover the marriage, and every poster here, and the Harleys as well, would say that's their prerogative.

But I personally must give much props to those who were able to recover their marriages after infidelity. It's not something I'm sure I'd be able to do...

Does your state recognize common-law-marriages?
Cuz you might want to watch the calendar/clock then....

(couldn't resist....hehehe)

TOS violation! I'm kidding. Yes, I know the common law statute in Texas and I AGREE w/ Common law marriages. DUDE

Agree. Just no upside.

Krazy, You're right, settling for a fully recovered marriage IS settling...... It IS settling for nothing less than a fully recovered marriage!

In my opinion, it's settling for a lesser marriage than one untouched by infidelity. Or maybe I just lack the ability to delude myself.

Krazy, I see your point. I've had the same thoughts myself.... Is it really worth all the work and effort to put into recovery, when I (27, no kids) am still young and with relatively little baggage, could possibly find love with someone else, someone who doesn't have a history of cheating on me.....

I honestly don't have a good answer. I love my H, but I know I could probably be happy with someone else, but I've chosen to try to forgive and recover our marriage. I hope I don't ever regret that choice. The easiest thing to do would be to cut and run, but I feel like I owe it to myself to at least try.

But, every now and then I wonder if I made the right decision.

Cate1982
I am older than you by several years I am 54. I feel compelled to try and address your question as I find myself in the unfortunate position of being separated and my wife is not willing to reconcile.

I was willing to reconcile however she is still off in lala land with her adultery partner and is seeking her "happiness". From what I am starting to learn all is not well in paradise and she may be having misgivings regarding her course of action.

So like you I am the party that was left. Rejection never feels good no matter what size or shape it takes. I was married to this woman for 33 years and I do believe in marriage for life (so I am biased). I miss my wife. I feel lonely much of the time. I am having to deal with the loss of my hopes and dreams for what was to be. It is without a doubt the most painful and difficult thing I have ever been through.

You have the opportunity to recover. Is your husband willing to commit? I mean commit. It's up to him to prove to you it is worth the investment of your time and effort. None of this lets give it a try but I am talking full blown repentance and regret? For you to give him another chance what is he willing to risk? Is he willing to suffer financially if he breaks his commitment? After all you are taking a risk. He has already proven to be unreliable and untrustworthy, what are his plans to win that back? Forgiveness is not naivety or forgetting about his transgression, he has been given another chance, is he willing to man up and make good on his promises?

So for your risk what are your potential gains. Depending on how long you have been together you can build on your shared memories and good times. If you were to start a new relationship you will likely run into many of the same issues you are running into in your current relationship, you will have just delayed the process of discovery as you will have to start all over at square one, dating, the honeymoon phase, learning all the little things that your new partner likes and dislikes etc.... Takes time. Perhaps you may be lucky, you may find your perfect match. However statistically the odds are against you. As the old saying goes the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.

This may be the opportunity for you to repair and build a relationship that has the potential to be better than before. If you don't think that is possible then you have some more work to do. You need to find out why. You will need to assess the commitment level of your husband. How disciplined can you both be. Would the MB process work for you? It has the elements and methods of how to build a solid marriage, where love, honour, protect and cherish actually means something.

So is it worth it? I would say so, even with all the inherent difficulties. (Barring your husband does not having a mental disorder or personality disorder) the investment of time and effort should pay dividends. The option is to go through the emotional and financial turmoil of divorce, and from my experience I would strongly recommend AGAINST that route.

Even in the midst of doubt and uncertainty I encourage you to recover if you possibly can.

Blessings
BCBoy.

The impression I get from that statement is some guy picking up and bringing home a different woman every night and kicking her out before breakfast - think Charlie from Two and a Half Men. There's no commitment to any of them and they are aware that they are a ONS. That's playing the field, not cake eating.

I think fear has a lot to do with it. Initially upon d-day, I wanted WXH back - badly. It didn't matter what he had done, nor that our M wasn't the greatest to start with. I believe fear was driving this. As his true colours began to show more clearly and I realized I couldn't take him back, I was able to overcome that stage but then I was faced with the prospect that if I was ever going to have another relationship, it would be with someone else. THAT is utterly terrifying. We're talking about someone who I haven't known 20+ years. Someone who hasn't known me 20+ years. Someone who hasn't seen all my body flaws. Someone who's never seen my unshaved legs. Someone who's never seen my bed head, or even my hair not coloured. Someone who's never witnessed me sick or weak. Someone who's never seen or experienced any of my unflattering and private weaknesses. How frightening is that??? I can easily see how, if the WS isn't outright evil like mine, staying with them may seem safer than venturing into the unknown.

I agree with you. In my opinion, virtually all BS that choose to reconcile do so out of fear, not love.

I decided that I wanted out even if I knew I'd never meet someone else. I'm better off alone.

If he cheats again, then I'm done. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than with a cheater. But, my H does appear to be genuinely repentent and willing to do whatever it takes.

I agree about the fear thing. Just the thought of having to be out "dating" again makes me feel sick. I've invested almost 8 years into this relationship so I'm less reluctant to cut and run.

I guess it's a gamble with anyone though.

The saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" may not ALWAYS apply, but out in the real world and away from this website, it's mostly true. They may cheat again in a month, or a decade...or maybe they won't actually cheat, but will frequently have a desire to that you can't verify.

So if he cheats again, you're done. Well, what if he just gets a little too friendly with someone online? What if he gets drunk and kisses someone at a party? You gonna leave him then, too?

At your age, and with no kids, I say cut and run. Be happy you only wasted 8 years with him and not 20. Be happy that you aren't 40 with 3 kids and a mortgage. This is YOUR life you're talking about. Is it really worth the risk of throwing more of it away? Do you honestly think you can't find someone better than a cheater?

A Broken marriage that has been repaired is just that. Just like a broken leg or arm are NEVER the same again. You can heal, but its never a "PURE" marriage. Have you ever replaced a transmission in an automobile? It runs, but its never the same again. I think anyone with common sense can agree on that point..DUDE

Are you saying it takes more courage to leave?(I might be in agreement w/ you)

DUDE

I've been reading this thread for the last few days and it has really had me thinking. I am now divocred from my WxH. And there is a big part of me that feels the same way about not wanting to get married ever again. You are a 110% correct that there are some many people out there who believe that if you are not "happy" you should get out and find "happiness." It makes it as if marriage vows are disposable. For me they were not but for my ex they apparently were. I don't know how to put that kind of trust into another person again. I don't know if it's cause my ex left and never looked back again no matter what i did. I did not follow the MB to the tee and maybe that is where i went wrong but i have not talked to him in over 8 almost 9 months now and there is still no remorse on his part. I was the one left damaged and trying to repair that "broken arm." I will never be that pure innocent person that can trust someone 100% again. Is there something wrong with me then? Something wrong with my logic in not wanting even set myself up for that pain or put my daughter through it with a stepfather?

Just because something was broken doesn't mean you still don't cherish it and love it. Infidelity is just one way to break a marriage (probably the worst IMO) but most people don't toss out things that have been repaired. People are flawed. We all have to be hermits to not deal with "brokeness" in others.

FAR more in my opinion. Staying with a WS OR a FWS is foolish in my opinion. On this site there is a concentrated number of people who have stories with happy endings. It rarely happens.

It takes real guts to walk away from your spouse. It's easy to stay.

I think maybe you shoud seek(and don't mean on here) out someone's betrayed(abandoned) ex-husband that is compatible w/ you. Then you will know he has the same hurt and trust issues that you have. Maybe then, you two could rebuild that part of you together that might currently seem forever broken. IDK Just a thought. DUDE