I need to consult her on this. Originally she said re-m was not a requirement but she has since made comments to me that lead me to think she is not so sure on that. I trust her fully. I trusted her fully on DDAY. I saw first hand the pain, regret, remorse, fear in her eyes. DUDE

well i know i am not 100% ready for anything and that is part of the problem. It wasn't anything i did to deserve my husband to cheat and then leave me and my one month old daughter to go live with his OW and her son. We did nothing to deserve that. What i was trying to say i guess is i see your point of how easily vows mean nothing to most people. They don't respect them for the most part and i can see your point about why not to get married again.

Dude007, I can understand you wanting to remain unmarried. But as you already know, you live with no more than a renters agreement. A simple analogy is that you have taken out an option to buy. But you do not own anything yet when you have no more than an option. It�s just that, an option. You are not a buyer, nor are you a freeloader. Since you have invested in the option, you have entered into a renters agreement.

So we have a spectrum here. On this spectrum there are those that view Marriage as eternally sacred covenant between a man and a woman. Once broken via infidelity its gone forever and hence the BS must move to Plan D immediately. Then, we have the complete other end that you can be married, but marriage is only a promise do no harm, like ANY other promise in life that usually gets broken. Once the BS learns of the A, they should do everything to repair the damage done to the marriage by the WS and the marriage should be saved "at all costs". Others will lie SOMEWHERE in between. DUDE

But even a purchase agreement(Marriage) can be foreclosed on at anytime by either party wanting out of the purchase contract. Some times it pays to rent than to buy. It depends on the market. DUDE

Dude, did you eat breakfast this morning?

That's because she WANTS to be a buyer in this relationship. She also wants you to be a buyer in the relationship. She knows what happened when she stepped outside of the M was wrong or she would not have felt pain, regret, remorse, or fear. Freeloaders and Renters typically don't have those feelings after they have committed adultery.

I would argue, based on my own feelings and those expressed by other BS's with failed marriages here, that it may not be possible for a BS to be a buyer after the betrayal. Perhaps it happens eventually and those BS's are no longer here to detail the process. I wouldn't look to remarriage stats either because many BS's remarry on the rebound. I completely understand what Dude means when he says that a purchaser agreement is no good anyway as either party can foreclose at any time. Why would a BS want to reinvest like that? Especially when you can just rent?

Dude, you never make anything or get paid by renting. You just aren't risking any loss!
In order to profit from any investment, even an option, you must first become a buyer.

Can you imagine going to a broker and saying, I want to invest in something that has no risk of loss?

They would tell you that is not possible!

However, where there is no investment, you can never have an ROI

Most investements are levered. ie you BORROW the funds to which you invest!

DUDE

AGREED...DUDE

However, investing in marriage (in this society) is very high risk as the whole thing can dissolve without warning, and unlike financial investments, there's no insurance available to minimize that loss. Yet you still need a place to live.

(disclaimer: I fully understand your point tst and I don't disagree entirely. It's actually one of the conudrums I face as I'm a buyer by nature and want the ROI, but feel as though marriage is about as secure an investment as the lottery)

Totally agree with Tabby and Dude.

I will never re-marry and i will never give my heart to someone the way my H had it, it is not worth the pain to me. I will just be a renter too!!

I really like this quote and think that is what puts a bad taste in people's mouths about wanting to get remarried... because of the these type of people.

I'm not sure I understand fully. You're talking about the adulterer's, correct? I guess where I'm going with this is that I don't think I could ever be more than a renter again. I'm not happy about it, but it doesn't make me an adulterer. OTOH, it could explain why WXH feels no remorse or shame in what he did and continues to do.

Going back to the original question, is the lack of desire to remarry related to healing? After all this discussion and some more thought on the matter I'd say it is evidence where we haven't healed. I'm not sure if we can heal to the extent that we are true buyers once again. Speaking for myself at least, I'm so scarred in this regard I can't see how it would happen. Maybe in time, but this is going to take a long, long time.

So if we see the light and most are imperfect and committ adultery at some point(like 60%+), then are we healed? I mean, I think we see things clearly while those staying married and/or wanting to marry again after being betrayed are setting themselves up for more hurt. Why risk it if you don't have to?! IDK I'm just asking..DUDE

There's something about marriage that just isn't there in other relationships, even common-law. For me I guess it was the concept of family and permenance. As family, you have problems with each other and may even stop speaking to each other but regardless, you are still family. People don't divorce their children or siblings (well actually there are occurrances of this but in very, very rare and unique circumstances). Marriage (to me) is supposed to make you and your spouse as close as this. This is what I thought I had. I was wrong.

Now, even if I did remarry, I'll never feel that sense of permanence, regardless of the nature of my new H - even if he were to be the MB poster child. Because I know how easy it is for him to cheat and leave at any time, I'll never be able to feel that connection again. I'll never be able to "buy in" to it. I wish I could, but I can't.

.....not sure why, but this just CRACKED me up...Thanx Tabby.....


DUDE,

I don't think you are "done" healing. I am not surprised you are where you are at this juncture of your journey (which is why I asked for a re-cap of your timeline....). I wouldn't be surprised if in say 6 months or a year from now you feel different......the question then will be "will your exWW/girlfriend feel the same?".....

not2fun