My H left me a couple of months ago for a one night stand. He returned but ever since it has been a roller coaster ride, I love him and I want to get our lives back on track. I want to fix what is wrong and enjoy the lives we worked so hard to have. But, he thinks he wants to be with this other woman. He is only here because of his obligations and because of guilt. I want to be able to invite him to leave but I am terrified he will and then the damage will be done. Our children will be devastated and I dont know that I would ever recover. I cant stand the thought of losing the life I have built for the past 23 years. It is suppose to start getting easier now and life is suppose to be for the two of us for a while, Our kids are mostly grown and we have everything to look forward to. He says he loves me. I have been doing all I can for him to remind him that we have all he needs here and I love him more than life itself but I dont think hes listening. I am afraid one day he will just not come home. What on Gods green earth do I do to make this stop happening?

L&F, I'm so sorry for your confusion and pain. But you are here, and this is the right place to be.

I'm no veteran, so I can only offer you my hope and strength. But the veterans on this board *will* give you help and advice.

Listen to them. Listen hard, and do what they say. This is the Marriage BUILDERS site -- if your marriage can be rescued, this is the place that will show you how it is done. And if it is not, the people here will also help you find that out and how to handle it, as well.

Someone recently said here that affairs should be lumped in with the crime of spousal abuse, because that's exactly what it is. So this is a safe place.

The first (only?) piece of advice I can give you now is DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT THIS PLACE. There may come a time when you get into recovery when the information here will benefit you both. But for now, we are your ALLIES and the affair (and its fallout) is the ENEMY.

Please stay here. Persist. If nothing else, we'll help you re-establish your own sense of self-worth.

I'm with you on this one. It's that bit of fear that is keeping me from telling my cheating wife to hit the bricks. I want things to be the way they were, but in reality they never will be. I can only offer prayer in your direction, no real words of advice, but to take care of you.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

But, you've come to the right place. You will get lots of support here.

There is no way, this is just a ONS. This A has been going on longer than you realize.

What do you know about OW? Is she married?

You're right. He's not listening. When a person has an A, they become someone their spouse doesn't recognize.

You can NOT reason w/ them. So stop doing that. It will only frustrate you.

There is something that will help you kill the affair. It's called exposure. You must tell everyone you think might put pressure on the two of them to end their A. You must NOT warn either of them that you are going to do it. And it should be done all at once, for the most impact.

Read everything you can on this site. And order "Surviving an Affair"

Keep posting. And do not let your WH find this site.

Here's a Do and Don't list...

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

And here is Plan A...

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

The first thing to do is put a keylogger on his computer to see if he contacts her online. The second thing to do is pull up all his phone records for calls and texts. See what numbers he contacts. Most likely he calls this woman or texts her at least 10-20 times every day; the number should be easy to figure out.

Once you have her number, pay a service or a PI to get her background info. You need her husband's name and phone number and address; her parents' info; and her siblings' info. Your marriage is worth the expense of a PI.

Gather the phone numbers/emails/addresses for all of your HUSBAND's family and friends, all in one list.

Once you have all that, you will sit down one afternoon, and call EVERYONE on the list for both his info and her info. In one afternoon, you will call all these people and tell them they are committing adultery, and you want to save your family, and you would like their help by letting the two of them know if they disapprove. They need to know their family and friends will NOT approve, so they will abandon their affair.

You will NEVER get him back if you don't do this exposure. Will he be mad? Yes. That is good. It means he CARES about what people think about him, and you have a chance of getting him back.

I realize it was not really a one night stand. He has been seeing this woman for months. I believe he left the night he did thinking he was finding something he needed that he couldnt find here. I know he loves me and his family. I have made the decision that I cannot be depressed and down about this. I have tried very hard for the past couple of months to be positive..act happy..be cheerful.. speak of things that we enjoy and do things that are fun. I have tried to point out the great things in our lives. I no longer complain about the things I used to complain about. I have told him I understand more than he realizes and I am here if he wants to talk about it. He often seems like he always had in the past. He laughs and jokes and has a good time. Then once every so often he becomes distant and sad. He looks so sad I cannot stand it. I try to bring him out of it and when that doesnt work I will sit there with him and just be there for him. But, it is killing me. I need my husband to love me and want to be there with me. He has no idea how bad it hurts to see him miss another woman. He says he wants us all to be happy and he knows him being there at home makes everyoen else happy but he is not happy. He is afraid to let the other woman go because she will find someone else. There is much more to the story but most of it doesnt matter. I just want our family the way it was. I want to be given the chance to make up for mistakes and change what is wrong in our relationship that made him look for something else to begin with. I never dreamed he would leave me. Especially for someone like this woman. I have done most of what is suggested in the above reply except I cant stop telling him I love him. He tells me he loves me and he doesnt want me to stop loving him. But, he doesnt want to be my husband anymore. I dont understand. I thought as time went on I would feel better but I am becoming more and more insecure. I found it easy to forgive and forget at first. Now I cant get her face out of my head. I dream about her telling me to forget my husband that he is going to marry her! I cry thinking about Christmass without him. I think about what my girls are going to feel like and how this has totally altered their opionion of their dad. He was the perfect picture of a father and husband. I want to help him but I dont know how if he wont let me.

I know her phone number and who she is. She is not married but has been 3 times. She has broken up several marriages before. The last of which the man ended up dead. Noone knows if he committed suicide or what. Some think she killed him. I dont know the whole story. I only know she is bad news and very well known. Many of our friends know about it. He works every day and has a night job as well, The coworkers he works with seem to approve of the affair. He works at a local pub at night. That is where he first started this affair with her. I have no way to tell if he contacts her on a computer as he only uses his office computer. I have tried to get him to quit the night job but he refuses. He has been working there for 2 years now. He began working to earn some extra money because we have 3 kids in college. But, I have been begging him to quit for over a year. He just wont do it. I cant force him. I think him being gone so much is what has made this happen. I have talked to him about not talking to her if he wants our efforts to mean anything, He is very hard to talk to. He acted as if he would not talk to her but I am sure he didnt say it explicitly so that he wouldnt feel like he was going back on his word when he does. I feel like we will make it through this if I can only get her our of the picture. I cannot take feeling like my husband really wants to be somewhere else when he is here with me.

l&f, I see soooooo much of me in what you are feeling. I have a WH who told me that he is leaving to move in with OW. He wants to wait until February and he gave me the "I love you, But I am not In Love with you" speech on our anniversary. Then things started coming in increments until last week when I installed a key logger. He found it after 2 hours but I had already gotten all that I needed.

I exposed to family, friends and work people (I am still unable to find OW family).

It hurts so bad when I know he has been with her instead of us and when I know that he accidentally called me when he was trying to call her.

One of the things that I learned on here was that you have to think about your WH as having been replaced by an alien. Anything you think he normally thought or meant he will say the opposite right now.

It is hard sometimes because I feel like it would be easier if My WH just wanted to be with me. I am praying for that day to come within the next 2 years but in the meantime I have to make myself feel good.

Hang in there Hun

Guess I just needed somone to talk to. Need something positive to be happening. Thanks for the input. I appreciate you.

I too was horrified of possibly losing my wife back when I suspected of her A's. She denied and I was too 'weak' to be on my own, so I believed her. If I didn't we would have probably gotten a divorce.

I found out, through therapy, that I had co-dependency issues. I know this is a hot topic, but one can be too dependent on a spouse, as I was. I was willing to give anything to NOT lose her, including my soul, integrity etc.

I know some on here think I still have that same problem, but if you were here you would see how things are different now. My desire are important, my concerns are being heard. I have discovered who I am...or maybe I should say I am still in the process, but I am getting there.

I am in a similar situation and it looks hopeless, just like yours.
I do not know who recovers from situations like ours without going thru agony...but I suspect that they go thru agony but they do not really recover.
After 20+ years of marriage and WH finding the love of his life and wanting to move out and not giving a darn about his own kids...I don't know...I just think it is hopeless.
I wish we would all fall out of love soon but we seem to not to be able to.
blessing

From what I have read and do believe I dont think he has found the love of his life. He has always loved his family more than anything. This is not him. He feels like he has gotten old and he needs something to make him feel alive again. He is bogged down with responsibility and problems and wants out! Someone on the outside can be exciting and make you forget what life's troubles are and make all those things dissappear. But, it is only a short fix. If he leaves us for her he will soon be miserable. I have no doubt. Thats what I am trying to avoid. Of course we will be miserable as well and the damage will be irreversible. Someone who tries to take a happily married man away from a cloe family like ours is not the kind of woman the man I know would want to be with and make a life with. She is young and sexy and runs around town in shorts and a cowboy hat. She leaves her young daughters and baby with her parents while she hops form bar to bar and man to man. I dont believe any man finds the love of his life when he is already married. He just begins to believe he has when he finds some excitment he has lost. Love isnt aboout being exciting and new. Love is what you build year after year with committment and devotion. You go through good times and bad alike and give each other strenght when you need it. Love is a bond that cant be broken. I beleve that is why he is not gone at this point. He knows it is a mistake. I just have to hold it together to not give him a shove to make that move in the wrong direction. I do know that you should never give up hope. Hope is sometimes all we have and you have to be strong. I asked once on this website When do you giveup and somone answered "Dont give up until you are ablzing" or something like that. That was good advice. I think we need to focus on the positive and HOPE.

You say you have done most everything in the list.

So..

You have her parents' and siblings' phone numbers?

You have called them and told them what she is doing?

You have called his parents and sibllings and best friends and told them what he is doing?

btw, please write your answers in paragraph format. It is extremely hard to read an entire post in one paragraph, and many people just won't read or help.

Save yourself first..Who puts the oxygen mask on first when the airplane is going down?! Its very hard for women to plan A long(Act happy/cheerful when they are severely depressed). Watch your timeline and go into a dark plan B if he starts drainging all the love you have for him and/or the absuse becomes too much to bear. DUDE

I really did not want to discourage you. Of course there is hope. As Cat said...you did your homework now let's see.
However you have to accept that he is no longer the man you married. He is another man NOW. What he was in the past is history.
You can't hope to get your old H back. He and you will never be the same after this even if you R.
The power of romantic love is very strong. You see OW as not worth it...he sees her with totally different eyes otherwise he will not be risking his M to have an A with her.
Reality is what it is. We can't hide from it.
blessing

This isnt funny for the other wife but I just found out that this woman has just been caught with another married man. His wife is raising cane about it all over town. What is this woman thinking? I cannot believe woman behave this way. I imagine she cant find a single man because they have options and know she is not what they want. She will never find anyone like this that she can be happy with. I just wonder if my H knows.

Yes her parents know. I dont know the reaction but it has happened twice before so I dont think they were shocked. I dont know that she has any siblings.

Her friends help her ger around so I dont recognize her car. She is not what you would call a girl with values. Nor are her friends. This is so totally not who I ever thought would interest my husband.

I cant bear to hurt his parents like that. I havent told them. I am hoping I wont have to. But, I will if he decides to move out again.

We went to his families tis past week and had a very nice time. I just dont want to hurt anyone else.