But what is your choice for your marriage? Will you settle for a woman who wants to be unhappy with you and will not commit to the marriage?

She's seeing a psychologist now. Her family is giving her a lot of pressure. But she has always been one to quit things and move on. Never thought she'd do it with me. Not sure what to expect, but she says she is not happy being married to me and that makes her miserable.

Then, you're better off without her. Some people just aren't meant to deal with real life. Fill your life with people who ARE.

She told me today that a psychologist told her that she has always been a caregiver to her mom, me, the children and she never took time to take care of herself. He told her that she is losing her identity. She said he told her that she was not abandoning her children by divorcing, because they would be left with capable people. I hope this guy has a plan b/c it doesn't sound like he's helping much.

She said she is so miserable that she feels like she'll either go crazy or kill herself. She's being treated like a queen who has, nor takes any responsibility and comes and goes as she pleases.

She goes again tomorrow. I'll see how that one goes. Its a different psychologist. The first guy told her that he is a "walk-in" (reincarnated spirit) so I'm not really surprised.

If I were you, I'd email that new doctor with your information about her past. BEFORE her appointment. To HELP him, of course. So he'll know the whole story, not just what she says to make herself look like a victim.

I would.

First, cite this man in your divorce.

Second, if he belongs to a professional body, report him. It cannot be ethical for psychologists to tell his client to leave her (non-violent) H and ESPECIALLY not her children.

Let me know when you quit spinning your wheels and decide to take charge of your life. This is all a waste of time that is delaying the inevitable. When you decide to stop wasting your time give me a shout out.

Yep, I know. Figured I'd let the psychologist have a shot, my last shot. No hurry to ruin my kids Christmas. After that, I'm pretty sure I'm moving on unless a miracle occurs. She doesn't want the guilt of initiating the divorce so I'm not giving her the pleasure of giving in just yet.

Nothing I can do. She even said that it's all her issues. She's got serious emotional baggage from childhood. This has dragged out a long time but it has given me a few things -

- an improved knowledge of how to be a better spouse and parent
- time for me to realize that she wasn't the woman I thought she was and to fall out of love with her
- a chance for me to do everything I could to save the marriage so that I have no regrets in the future.


Thanks for the advice and support over the last several months. For a few months there, I thought we were on our way but she just wasn't committed, not even close. I met her as a teenager and am still married to a teenager 14 years later.

ark, I don't think this is over. I think she is in limbo and has no motivation whatsoever to change the status quo because she has nothing to lose. I think plan B might change her perspective dramatically when she sees what she stands to lose. Let me know when you are ready to take the next step and I will help you get set up if you want.

I wouldn't call this over by a long shot, though. Plan A only works in 15% of the cases, and you havent even done Plan B.

What is the success rate on plan B?
Go ahead and fill me in if you don't mind so I can mentally prepare.

Thanks!

I have no idea, but I do know you have nothing to lose. You can file for divorce or separation, get your finances in order and get child visitation set up and then go into a dark Plan B for up to 2 years.

Sometimes, they wake up during that time and make a decision to commit to the marriage. You have nothing to lose by doing this, and everything to gain because even if she doesn't come around, by the end of 2 years you will be so detached from her that finalizing the divorce will be a breeze and you can just move on at that point.

Arkhawk,
I believe that a Christian marriage is a union of forgivers. If she cannot forgive, she needs to council Christian psychologists. My own feeling and that of posters here is that psychologist makes people feel good about their bad decisions. Tread very carefully.

Folk leave marriages in order to trade troubles. There is always a rise and fall of feelings but a marriage is forever. If she remarries it is adulterous and you may consider remarriage. If she has already committed adultery, then you have no restriction remarrying. This is not news but she needs to understand it -before divorcing.

What would happen to her if you were divorce now? Who would take custody? Can she support herself? Can you maintain the family lifestyle?

My wife was a very devout Christian and says she still is. But, she believes that God will understand that she has to divorce because she is so unhappy and He will forgive her. I tried to tell her that that is not what He wants, but rather heal the marriage. But, God, like me and the rest of her family, are not telling her what she wants to hear, so she isn't listening.

The "Christian" counselor pretty much validated what she said.
-you never took the time in the beginning of the marriage to build a foundation
-the Gospels say you'll be forgiven
-why didn't your husband respond to your requests earlier
-I believe your husband just doesn't want to lose you
-you've spent your whole life taking care of other people, never yourself
-you can't choose to love someone
-you need to realize that you are in charge of you and you shouldnt be swayed by the opinions of your husband and other family members

Needless to say she was happy with the visit and says he can help her be happy. Of course, her plan to be happy does not involve me. She just wanted someone to support her decisions, since no one who cares about her does. Maybe that's part of his plan to build her trust, but I doubt it.

Thats all nice and cute. So when are you going to stop letting a drunk driver drive the family car and take back the wheel?

If you are going to be squandering money on "counselors," why not squander it on someone who is actually pro-marriage and will try and save your marriage? Steve Harley might be able to sell her, if anyone can. He won't be telling her crap like follow your heart and "you can't choose to love someone."

The Harleys know that feelings follow actions and that falling in love is very possible. This counselor doesn't know that.

Tell her that you'll be fine with her visiting this counselor as long as she attends just as many sessions with the Harleys.

I didn't know that until she went. Then again, that is what she told me he said, so her twisted head could have heard something totally different.

She refuses the MB community. She does not want to work on the marriage but is trying to decide whether or not to for the kids. With all these kooks talking to her and her shutting out me and her family - the writing is on the wall.

I'm pretty much done; researching Plan B now.

Have you told her you are not willing to stay in a loveless marriage? Or are you willing to take her under any conditions? If she wants to move in the back bedroom and stay "for the kids" will that be ok?

Yes, I've told her that I'm not willing to stay in a loveless marriage. For whatever reason, she said something snapped a long time ago and she gave up wanting to try (she has no hope that it will work). I thought of sending her this note, but not sure since I think it may push her away. Then again, what do I have to lose. Thoughts?

XXX,
In case you were wondering, this was what I was looking at on the computer. The first 2 articles made a lot of sense to me.

"Links to 3 MB articles about restoring love, caring for children, and codependency"

You said you are trying to decide which was the best choice for our children. I think you know the answer to that question. I think you struggle with it because of how you feel now. That feeling can change. These articles represent thousands of people who've done it.

If you trust God that He will forgive you, then you must trust Him that he will also help you when you decide to follow His path. I don't think you gain happiness by making others unhappy, nor do I think you can gain happiness in turning away from God. I don't pretend to know the right answer, but I do know the wrong answer.