Just expect her to be furious and you won't be disappointed. Don't react to her anger or allow her to scare you. She will rant and rave and try to scare you into submission. Simply tell her "I am sorry you feel so bad. I thought it would be best to spread the good news. " Then leave it at that. Don't fight with her and don't tremble in fear. If she gets abusive, just leave the room but remain calm and don't allow her to upset you.

I do not currently have his number, but I will be getting it. I know him well enough, and feel I would know if he was married. I know he is in some sort of relationship from WW.

Do you have any mutual friends who might know who the GF is? Could she be living with him?

Why do you think your wife is so terrified of exposure?

Thinking about it, I think he might only have a cell phone. I have no idea in regards to the exposure issue, other than she has used this as the catalyst, and without it, the scheme fails, and having emotional needs met. And maybe even other stuff I do not know about!

She has been acting unstable, and in the past has had an angry "episode", so I want to be ready for the worst.

One more thing, should I leave messages for people who I am not able to get in touch with? Should I ask people to wait until tomorrow to speak to her, as I will be coming home to face her, and would prefer not to have a blowout at the end of the day. She is staying at a mutual friend's this evening.

Thanks thanks thanks...

Simple. You are not to finance her departure from your M and family. If she wants her own place, tell her to get it. No money from you. That will give her a dose of reality, at least.

And, umm, any last words about the calls themselves? It seems that the consensus has been to keep it simple:

"My WW is seeing another man. This is destroying our family. I want to save my family and I hope you will help me do this by encouraging WW to stop her adultery and come home to her family."

"OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have."

Anything else?

Can I legally not provide her with access to any money?

It seems very not plan A, but I also had a feeling you would have this opinion.

Calling is good, but I'd send letters by certified mail. And don't just send to the head of HR, send it to a couple of 'higher-ups'. Mark the letter to show that you are cc'ing it to more than one person so someone doesn't try to dodge addressing the issue.

This link has some good information on exposing to different people (family, work etc).

Affair Exposure 101

You're getting excellent advice from everyone here.

Gg

I am not a lawyer, but I have one to handle my current separation. Here is what I have been told:

Unless and until you have a separation agreement, you are legally obligated to provide access to YOUR HOME. You cannot throw her out. However, if she chooses to leave, you are not obligated to provide her any support. Unless you have specified that in your agreement, of course.

The law may vary according to state, but marriage is a LEGAL covenant. Leaving the marriage, especially to commit adultery (which is ILLEGAL in my state) is not.

That link does not work! I was able to find the post through search:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2082433&page=1

But none of the posts linked to from the first post work, and I could not find them in search... argh!

Anyone know where to find this stuff?

Thanks ~

So, you are advocating cutting off the money supply? Will that not:

- ruin any plan A
- hurt my credibility with other relatives, even those who support the marriage might believe that she should have access to funds

And also, not sure how to do since we have a joint account...

As I approach go-tie, a few last questions. Nerves!

If someone responds, "if she is having an A, maybe your marriage is not worth saving", I should say, "I am sorry you feel that way".

?

You are correct. Sorry about that. Let me see if I can find a different link.

Gg

Here's a better link with all working links on exposure

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=407164#Post407164

I can answer this.
- Plan A is both carrot AND stick. Show her the love you have. But do NOT enable the affair.
- Hurt credibility? What are you talking about? This is YOUR MARRIAGE we're talking about. Do you care more about what relatives think than saving your marriage?

Withdraw all but a few dollars from the joint account. Put it into another account. [This may be rejected by the more experienced folk here].

My goodness this is going to be tough. I need to man up and recognize it.

Getting it out there is to my advantage. Every second is a loss.

Having said that, there is sooo much to consider, and my lack of sleep is not helping me think straight at all. I am sure many people relate to the stress of wanting to take another hour and process a little more information. And some will even disagree with the approach. It looks like I am making a major decision quite quickly. I wonder is people who disagree with this approach would not be likely to give advice here.

I have to say that my gut is telling me to go with your advice, based on the resonance of the experiences.

Ok, I am going to have a stretch and a lie down, and the I am going to hit the button.

yes


Don't ask them to keep it quiet, because they won't.

Nowhere in Plan A are you directed to finance your WWs A. Continue being a pleasant, loving spouse whose only goal is to save your M. Giving your WW money to move out is not saving your M. Let her know this: you love her, your family and your marriage, and you will do whatever it takes to save that. You can't tie her down to the couch, so if she does want to leave you can't stop her. But you're not going to HELP her, either.

Take all of the money out of the account except enough to keep it open. Do this right away, before she gets to it. Open a new account that is in your name only. If she wants money, she'll have to come to you for it and explain why she needs it. And she'll need to provide receipts to prove where she spent every penny. There will be few legitimate reasons to give her money if she moves out. Rent money is unacceptable. Gas money, maybe. Ten bucks a week for gas ought to cover any fuel used to come to you to talk about the M and how to save it. Food money, probably not. Let her know that your marital home is stocked with all the food she needs. To be eaten at HOME. While the two of you are discussing a plan to save your M.

Reality can really set in fast when the WS has to start dealing with the cold financial aspects of the A.

Don't let her tell you that she deserves and portion of family money because she was a SAHM, caring for the kids, and therefore has no funds of 'her own'. You never changed the terms of your M, she did. She should have thought about that before she decided it would be fun to have an A. Obviously she expects you to roll over and go along with her plans to fool around with another man. Don't accept that. Also, be aware that the OM will be happy that 'his woman' has money. He doesn't care where it comes from. However, he won'tbe happy with the way the A is going if his affair partner suddenly because financially needy, asking him for rent money, being broke and unable to afford to get her groceries, etc. The romantic aspects of the A will suddenly become less rosy. That's your goal, here. Disrupt the A.

Now, she may decide to seek legal cousel to help her get money from you. Fine, let her. That's just more reality for her to have to deal with. The A will become less rosy by the minute.

If you have relatives who are troubled because you won't help your W be wayward, well, I wouldn't worry about them too much. You are on a mission to save your M.

Absolutely not. Plan A has nothing to do with financing her affair. If she wants to move out she should not use family money. Your money in any joint accounts SHOULD BE MOVED NOW TO A SAFE PLACE. If given an opportunity she will wipe you out financially.

Additionally, if she wants to leave, she should not be allowed to remove your children without a court order. Your children should not be dragged from their safe home to accommodate an affair. This is how little kids end up molested and abused.