Absolutely correct, mfoss. You're learning. And learning fast! Good for you!

Like you, at first I felt tentative and a bit "icky" about going forward and exposing the A. But with the encouragement (and assistance) of the people here, I learned that the best way to attack the A was to -- you guessed it -- attack it.

I sometimes wonder about the efficacy of my attack. The only feedback I've received is from WW demanding that I write letters of apology, recanting my first letters. My answer to that was, of course, not to answer.

mfoss, exposure needs to be done in one day. Are you going down a list and calling these people? Have you done ANY? Are you planning to expose at all?

This may be a petty detail, but it currently looks like I have an opportunity to tell the kids without WS around. When she shows up, should I tell her, or wait for things to naturally come out?

Tell her what? That you've exposed her A to the kids? I'm betting she'll find that out for herself soon enough. No need for you to tell her and x2 the LB.

mfoss, when she shows up tell her you have sat down the kids and told them about her desire to leave the marriage for her affair. Tell her the kids will have lots of questions and that you expect her to answer them HONESTLY because if she doesn't, you will be setting the record straight.

After that, mfoss, you need to get this show on the road and get these exposures DONE. TODAY. Dragging this out in dribs and drabs is not how this is done. It should be done in one fell swoop so you can move onto the CARROT of Plan A. Have you called her parents? Close friends? Exposed to the workplace?

MelodyLane, I started exposing Monday night. I spent all of yesterday exposing. I am on the phone now "dialing for dollars (support)". I would love to be done, but practically the logistics have been a challenge. I should be done with the important people today.

Do I have to stop exposure at some point and go all plan a? I think my position on the issue of the A will need to be consistent through plan A phase, no?

Thanks so much, you MelodyLane have also been so supportive of me.

MelodyLane is one of the true luminaries on this board, IMO.

I was wondering the same thing. I'm getting the feeling that you're spending a great deal of time here, dissecting the concept of exposure. Cut to the chase, mfoos - EMBRACE the concept immediately, and EXPOSE immediately. No foot-dragging.

ok, good! Are these people calling your wife and telling her they know? What has been the fallout?


Exposure IS part of Plan A. You will stop exposure when you are done with your list. Your list should comprise of parents, close friends, siblings, pastor and her EMPLOYER. When you are done, you are done unless there are new developments.

Thanks, Fred!

I have been doing my best. I am finding the support and advice here crucial to informing my actions. I am doing the best I can, but I appreciate all encouragement and constructive criticism, equally.

I do not have 100% visibility into the fall out as in order to expose, I have had to create a situation where we are apart, and there have been all sorts of real life distractions that I let interfere (trying to maintain my professional life as well, and take of the kids etc...)

I know there will be some interesting calls and advice coming to her in the near future.

I am often on the phone while posting. I am getting better at all this stuff with practice.

mfoss, so your wife does not know yet you have exposed the affair?

And I have been trying to feed myseld, and even occasionally get some sleep. I need to be somewhat healthy to have the stength to do this.

We have a LOT of friends. Hence, my questions around prioritization. My current list is 32 names strong. I have done over half, including some good ones like OM work (where I also work part-time).

Kids are right after school, that is THE BIG ONE.

I am getting better at having shorter conversations as well, some of them were quite long. I am getting your advice to hurry!

mfoss, could you trim that list way down? The list should contain CLOSE friends and influential family. What about her parents? Close siblings? close friends? Those are key exposures that will be critical to your success. How about skipping to those?

Thanks for the update, though. I was getting concerned about your progress. You are doing great!

mfoss, think of the A as a vampire. Exposure is the light of day.

You DO know what happens when the light of day falls upon a vampire, don't you?

I don't know what she knows.

She is not totally denying the affair in all cases, but she is not being honest about it to be sure! From her reaction so far, I don't think she has "gotten it" totally yet. she has been avoiding contact with many people who are trying to track her down.

She will freak about the kids, so it is essentially in the mail. I am also wondering about POS (OM), because she reacted so strongly when I said I would call him. I can't decide if it is worth it, most advice here has said no.

p.s. sometimes an exposure target will say: "ok, i will keep this between you and me!" NONONO!! Tell them that would be the worst thing they could do because affairs thrive on secrecy. Just make sure they are clear about that. I have seen too many "exposures" RUINED because the target thought they should keep it a "secret!"

It is a large family! I have spoken to her three mother figures, her dad is scheduled for a meeting tmrw (he works a lot). A lot of siblings and influential friends are in the bag.

I was worried about the "vampire/sunlight" situation, I now am looking forward to it in a weird way.

My exposure "pitch" has gotten better with practice. I :

- tell them truth
- explain my position
- ask for their help specifically
- get on to the next call ASAP

I often find myself debating the logic of giving her some space (because people are rightly concerned for her). I am able to explain how that is enabling the affair, and how that is not acceptable to me.

The drug addict analogy works well.

I don't win every call, but I know I wont. I just get on to the next one.

It will be worth it to call him, because she has probably LIED to him about her marriage so you will want to explain that you are VERY MARRIED. [don't bring up this "separation" bullcrap because that is just fogbabble nonsense] I would get this call done TODAY if you can.

Tell him this:

1. you know all about the affair and ask him what his intentions are with your wife.

2. Let him know you are very married and have no intentions of getting divorced.

3. Tell him there is no future with your wife because he will be eternally HATED by your kids and by your in-laws. Tell him the inlaws have been informed of the affair and will never welcome him into their family.

4. Tell him if this ever does get to divorce that you will file on grounds of adultery and will have him called to the stand to give testimony under oath about his affair.

5. You will fight for your marriage

That sounds good! Be sure and tell them the NAME of the OM so they can spit on him when they see him!