Make some concrete plans to accomplish something.

Make good memories for the family.

Maybe you could all volunteer at a soup kitchen for Christmas? Or at Salvation Army to help hand out presents?

Thanks Cat - we already do similar things. I love Christmas, it is very magical to me! I try to bring that magic to my children every year too. Both my boys are Cub scouts and we do a lot of volunteer work through our pack - I am a den leader. In fact we are going to sing Christmas Carols and spend time with elderly people at our local retirement home tonight. As far as family memories - getting my H on the same page is a tough one. He has never been one to volunteer for anything. He would rather curl up in a corner than to put himself out there. Even getting him to just going outside to play in the snow with us is like pulling teeth. (Don't blame my A because he was that way before- just that I added that horrible bonus to the equation) I encourage him to go along with us on whatever endeavors we do but he usually abstains and would rather just stay put. He just doesn't like to "join in" - Even playing board games with our kids is like a chore. But now I am sounding resentful again. I will continue to try to bring him around - and always invite him to do whatever it is the kids have going. I just have been having some moments here lately that have brought me down - but like I said I try not to let it affect everyone elses attitudes.

Lizzy2,

So what page would you find your husband? The way I read what you've written, it sounds like you want him on your page.

What's wrong with you going to his page?

So you volunteer, he doesn't. OK, that's not wrong, just different. What does he like to do? Why not join him in that if you are looking for more time together?

He would like to curl up in a corner. Again, nothing wrong with that. How can you support, embrace and be enthusiastic about him just being himself?

Instead of "trying to bring him around" as you say, stop treating him as a project that needs improvement.

Treat him as a human being with immense value JUST THE WAY HE IS.

The problem is not bringing him around. The problem is you don't see the value in how he is and want to change him.

If you do that, I suspect things will get a whole lot better for you and your family.

You know if someone kept telling and talking about how I was "no fun" and didn't measure up, I'd probably not want to go out and play in the snow with them, or play board games with them, or do much of anything with them because they would likely be critical of that too.

Ok Ok, I guess I'm just bitter - but you are presumputious. I have never told my husband he was "No fun" or didn't measure up. I have always done the things he wanted to do - NASCAR races, sprint car races - even volunteered on a race team because that is what he likes. When he does do things with us I tell him how much we appreciate him doing it. My kids are to the point they don't even ask him to do things because they no the answer is no. Sorry but I find that sad. So I am done talking for now as I know I need help with my resentment issues and only counseling can do that for me.

Why not just stop after "just bitter." The phrase after but indicates you don't really own it, you want to shift blame/focus on to whatever fault you perceive in me.

If you are doing this to your husband, I understand why he may prefer doing nothing to engaging.

Really, then what message does your affair send? Did it send the message that your find your H the most attractive, most enjoyable person to be around to the exclusion of all others.

Probably not. So by your actions, and I can see it in the words you use here, you have a view of your husband that is similar if not exactly how I just described it above.

So what's the problem with SF then? On one hand you tell me you ALWAYS do what your husband wants to do, yet in this thread you are asking us about not wanting SF.

Which is it?

I think you are fooling yourself if you think you ALWAYS do what your husband wants to do.

Besides, it's not enough just to do it, you have to do it with enthusiasm.

You want your husband to be enthusiastic about playing with the kids, or showing affection, non-sexually, and probably a host of other things, right?

So you want to complain about him here, and if we "fix" him, then you'll be more enthusiastic?

It comes across that way to me. I could be totally wrong, but that's the message I'm hearing.

Is that what he wants, or is that what you want? Nothing wrong with you wanting it. But if you are doing it for him because you want appreciation, that may not be a winning strategy.

So why is it that he doesn't want to do things with the kids? Instead of judging him, as it appears you are here, why not dig deeper. Find out what it is that makes it so unappealing. Better yet, find out what would make it more appealing to spend more time with the kids.

But don't just judge him negatively for it. Frankly, he's an adult and if he wants a close relationship with his kids, he's responsible for creating that relationship.

It's not your job to judge him because he doesn't run that relationship the way you would run it.

It's your job to be his partner is creating whatever kind of relationship with his children that he wants.

He may regret it later if he doesn't get close to them. Or he may not. He may not have been close to his parents, so doesn't see that as a critical need.

But you come across here very judgmental. It sounds as if he would be closer to his kids like you would like him to be, that his life would be better.

You may be right.
He may be right.

Your job is not to change him, but to be his partner. He's not clay, he's not a project, he's the man you married. If he wants to make changes, then you can be supportive. If he wants to be the same he was when you married, can you be equally supportive?

Lizzy, did you ever stop to think that, from his perspective, maybe your desires for a certin type of Christmas or family activities are equally annoying? I mean, it's not like you have a monopoly on the "right" way for a parent to act or how a person feels about Christmas and volunteering.
I get the feeling that you think everyone will agree that your way is the best. Maybe the way your h chooses to live his life is every bit as valid as your own. And, maybe, just maybe, he does some things in his life that he and others may consider to be a better way of living than the one you advocate. I think you would have to concede that at least as far as demonstrating a committment to his vow of fidelity, he has done a better job than you. Maybe there are other areas , as well, where he performs better or where his choices are superior.

No doubt Zelmo - I changed alot of things about myself early in our M to go along with his ideas and values - I guess my giver is just gave out and my taker is in overdrive.

Yeah, that over-giving deal is about the worst thing for a marriage. I did it , too,and it really breeds resentment. It's unhealthy and breeds passive aggression.

Once again, Zelmo, you have hit the proverbial nail on the head. Where none other manage to go.

It also breeds contempt on the part of the taker. I think I finally figured out that you do not have to be super giving all the time to show love. And, you have to be true to yourself, first, and be willing to lose your partner if it comes to a choice between your values/ideals and keeping that person happy. Because, in reality, the other person is not happy, just contemptuous.
I play golf like this. I just commit to what I think is right and do it. I let the chips fall where they may. It realy works.
So much of our lives seem restricted by fear.