I was calm. He was not.

I told him to remove her as a fbook friend ASAP. Will be interesting to see if that happens,

I meant, calm enough from how you posted.

Be prepared for WW's venom, like i said.

Yeah, I used to be more worried about the venom a few days ago. Having heard a lot of babble, I figure it is just going to be more intense.

He has removed her as a FB friend! She has not yet noticed, as you don't get notified when someone removes you.

Babble and venom took on a whole new meaning after my exposure and calling OM and OMW. Brace yourself and think "Charlie Brown's Teacher".

WTG mfoss. Great job!

Your strong actions will get to her even though she'll rant about this. You didn't react like a neanderthal, you acted like a man standing up for his M. Any woman would take notice, even a WW.

You're doing great.

Just exposed OM's agreement to no contact. Heavy alien mode. You were right!

It is hard (and not constructive) to be a little smug about how things are playing out. Fortunately, I am able to feel some empathy for her (and know thanks to you to ignore what she is saying) which is probably a good sign that I might be able to save this M.

It will be a LOT of work. I am giving it my best.

Your encouragement, kind words and advice have been crucial.

ok mfoss now do a bit of plan Aing(carrot style). Maybe take her a cup of coffee in the morning or get the trash out without her asking, etc. Do some things around the house that she's been asking you to do. Don't expect much of a "thank you" from her, but she WILL notice and it will BOGGLE her mind. Just try to meet whatever need she will let you.

I have been plan A'ing as much as I can. She asked me not make her coffee in the AM, as I don't know how she likes it... etc...

I plan on assessing her emotional needs using the questionnaire, and developing a strategy for each need. Right now, it may not matter, as it is alien time!

I appreciate that I need to hit Plan A hard though. I have been making all sorts of preparations for this, but it will be difficult I am sure.

Hi all -

It looks like I may have killed the A / scared OM into NC. WW is not happy about this, naturally.

I am struggling with balancing the tension between deposits to LB$, avoiding LBs, and ongoing exposure.

For instance, WW does still not know that I have told the kids about OM. It has not come up, and I received advice to not flaunt it, but work it in naturally. Should I make a point of it now?

Also, I am unsure about what to do with some of the people she is using for support. Should I approach them and give them my side? Is that a good use of my time, or is that vengeful and lovebusting.

I desperately want to start to try and meet her ENs and make LB$ deposits, but I am not sure she is in the right frame of mind to not just lash out at them.

I would appreciate your guidance.

I love that list!

yes, I think she know about the exposure to the children now, mfoss...

I would just wait for the topic to come up. Then say, 'oh, yeah, well the kids will never accept him anyway, since they know he was having an affair with you - a married woman, and they think that is sick.'

Her:'4$%#Q%$$#V$ % Q$ !'

You: "Well, you don't expect me to let my kids grow up thinking it's ok to commit adultery, do you?"

Throw in a hug and a kiss, and leave the room.

By all means, talk to them!

"Hi, it's mfoss. I guess you know by now that WW and I are trying to figure out what to do with our marriage. I know that if I was trying to help my friend, I'd want to know all the facts, so I could give the best advice possible. So, I figured you'd want to know, too. So here's what happened..."

My challenge is how high a priority I make this.

As you know, life is very challenging right now from a time perspective, and so I am always asking myself "what is the best thing for me to do next". It is usually apparent, however, in this case, it is not clear to me where the importance of continuing exposure (which could be seen as love busting) and the counter activity of making LB$ deposits reconcile. My tendency is to expose more now, and get to LB$ deposits second, but I am not 100% sure, and would love to hear more opinions on this. Thanks!

Well, my feeling is that you just got done confronting OM. So exposure is kind of 'current', i.e., still in the air. In that vein, continuing exposure is merely a continuation of your plan - not going out hunting to see who else you revenge her with.

[quote=mfoss2212
As you know, life is very challenging right now from a time perspective, and so I am always asking myself "what is the best thing for me to do next". It is usually apparent, however, in this case, it is not clear to me where the importance of continuing exposure (which could be seen as love busting) and the counter activity of making LB$ deposits reconcile. My tendency is to expose more now, and get to LB$ deposits second, but I am not 100% sure, and would love to hear more opinions on this. Thanks! [/quote]

I just don't look at exposure as a LB or as punishment to the WS. Maybe if, ten years down the road, after the A is long over, you expose her to an old straight-laced college friend because you were feeling cranky that day...that would be a LB to me. But exposure in intended to expose the A to the people who can help kill it. You aren't LBing your WW, you are helping expose a terrible harm that she is placing on you, her and your M in order to save your M.

Great perspective mbliss et al.

I suppose I am keen to start making some LB$ deposits, driven by my awareness of my poor performance in the relationship, for which I accept responsibility, but not blame.

This "guilt" makes me sensitive towards anything that could be seen as lovebusting, which is not healthy, especially when it comes to exposure.

I am very aware that exposure has been a very effective approach for me (and many of you historically), and that I must do a complete job and not shy away from it.

WW is certainly choosing to spend time with people who I have not exposed to, and that is telling. I am not doing anyone any favours by avoiding these conversations, as tough as they might be.

My turn to comment in your thread, mfoss. Do you know these people she is spending time with? And how is it she is able to spend time with them, anyway? Maybe it's just me, but any time not spent together it seems to me, should be spent strictly at work and/or somewhere where there is some form of supervision. Otherwise it's dangerous territory.

I applaud you for being so willing to Plan A. It sounds like you can do it (an earlier post spoke of "having the entire MB board behind" us. It's true. I was re-reading my thread earlier, and I vividly recall typing furiously as WW was "moving out," giving a "blow by blow" account, so to speak, and getting real-time responses. It literally helped keep me sane.

Remember, mfoss, we are here, behind you and with you.

I am struggling with getting quality time together right now, what with work, kids, and ongoing exposure. She still claims she can not sleep here (but does some nights). I am able to get her to spend a lot of time here at night, and come back first thing in the AM for the kids. I also track her travels very closely, and OM is not in the picture any more. There may be more OM though, I can't discount that possibility. They may be in the past, but she may be hoping to restore those relationships.

I am aware that her story changes depending on who she is talking to, and that there may be other EA's out there. Fortunately, the people she is most comfortable talking to are the ones who are involved in those dynamics, so it is very easy for me to keep tabs on things and learn more.

And, we have been making some progress. I have started sharing feelings with her, and making LB$ deposits where I can / am allowed to.

We have been to two counsellors to evaluate them, and it looks like we have selected one to move forward with. I know the limited value of counselling at this stage, but it is something constructive we are doing together. And I am benefitting personally from it.

I am coming to terms with the LB$ and exposure tension, and getting better at it with your support and guidance. So thank you all!

I have a question for you all, what is your WS "coming out of the fog" story? How sudden is it? Does it vary? My sense is that it probably starts and progresses slowly, and is quite prone to relapses, but I am interested in hearing your experiences.

Thanks ~