[quote=BetrayedInLA]I have to admit that I do not understand how my actions are any different from Plan B. I'm sorry to sound confused.

quote]

L.A.
Have you read the section on this website about Plan B?

Plan B is esentially laying out your terms to your WW for working on recovery. When and only when she demonstrates to you that she is willing to meet those terms and actually does it and STOPS HAVING AN A is plan B taking place.

Plan B also entails going dark--until the Wayward spouse is willing to meet your requests.

From the way things sound, you are far from being dark. You are supposed to be having NO CONTACT with the WW while you are in plan B but, you are letting her come and go from your home as she wishes.

If I am wrong, someone please correct this. I will read myself again about Plan B and what it entails but, right now it sounds like you are just letting her have her way and gaslighting you. She is cake eating, in other words.

You are going to have "conflict"--an Affair IS conflict and it is imposing upon your marriage but, you are just letting her do whatever she wants with no consequences from you. That is all I'm trying to say.

This is a portion of what Dr. Harley says about Plan B:

"Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B."

Hope this helps. And, there are some threads that talk more about Plan A and Plan B.

Hey Dawn,

I think we're on the same page - she came back before I initiated Plan B. My supporting her decision to move out is a step toward being able to implement Plan B.

Plan B begins when she moves out this time.

OK. Good deal. You just don't want to let her wipe her feet on you like a doormat. If she wants to go, then, that's what she wants but just make it clear that you are not there for her to run to when the going gets rough.

When she leaves, you should give her a Plan B letter. There is an example somewhere here in the threads. Maybe someone can hook you up with that. But, you give her the letter letting her know that this are your requirements if, in the event she should want to return.

Then, dark. Totally dark. No seeing, talking, emailing--no contacting her any way or accepting her contact unless she is ready to comply and has a letter of no contact written out for your review and approval and for YOU to mail. If she is not willing to let this man go are you willing to be a packup plan? I hope not. It really sounds like this woman is a concrete block attached to your feet...bringing you down. That's just my opinion though.
Just be ready to stick to your guns if you tell her you are planning the Plan B. She needs to understand it completely. No running back and teetering on the fence.

Thanks StillDawn!

I copied the letter nearly verbatim from the SAA book. It's ready to go, but I just got an angry call from OM.

OM came unglued that I exposed and (as StillDawn knows) he threatened a lawsuit. He called back just a few minutes later and told me he'd dumped her and asked that I never contact his family again. I told him I would leave his family out of my life as long as he left my family (meaning my wife) out of his. And he said he'd only see her if she showed divorce papers and I told him I would fight for the marriage until FINAL papers were filed which is 6 months after being served here in CA.

He's hot as the sun right now and I can only imagine what he's putting her through!

I wouldn't believe he is dumping her.

Hope for it but do not fall for the line.

Time will tell.

WW is coming over right now to move her stuff out.

Is it a lovebuster for me to NOT help?

I'm fairly certain she is going to tell me she wants D. My plan is to PLAN B her tonight - the letter is written.

I just don't know if I should Plan B her as she starts loading the truck or after the truck is loaded...?

ARE YOU KIDDING? Drink a beer and watch some TV while she is loading all her crap! DUDE

That's what the vengeful side of me says to do, but that's a lovebuster and not part of Plan A.

It's really up to you...if you are trying to Plan A her until the last minute, it might be a good move.

If you decide not to do it, it might be a good "I really don't want you to do this, so I just can't bring myself to HELP you move out" move. Can you say that to her in a VERY non-LBing manner...showing your very hurt, disappointed self? If so, then it would be fine not to help her, IMO.

Six of one, half dozen of another, IMNSHO.

P.S. if you are going to Plan B, I hope you have an IM ready? Are you changing the locks?

Those two things are really crucial if you want to do a SUCCESSFUL Plan B. Anything less is really a waste of time, I've seen it dozens of times around here.

I'm sorry this is happening right now. I remember this night well.

THAT I can do! Thanks!

IM? I hadn't planned on changing the locks - just collecting the keys.

Thanks for the sympathy, but honestly, I've been through such hell with the on and off status of this relationship since March that I'm looking forward to not thinking of it anymore and just focusing on myself.

IM is an Intermediary...you want NO CONTACT with WW and an IM is somebody who will pass any VERY important info back and forth for you. You will never get the full benefits of Plan B without an IM.

If you don't have one, you really should wait until tomorrow to give her your PBL, after lining an IM up. Also post your PBL here to make sure it's all covered. (Change the title of your thread if you do that to get help with it).

Even if she hands the key over she could have a spare and you don't want her waltzing in at anytime and possibly start taking whatever she wants from the house (marital property) and you don't want that.

I still suggest changing the locks.

CHANGE THE LOCKS, WHAT IS GOING TO COST: LIKE $25. AND 15 MINUTES?

Ah! I do have an intermediary. And I copied the Plan B letter nearly verbatim from the SAA book. I would post it, but it's hand-written and I gotta make myself busy/scarce very soon.

I'll have to see what I can do about the locks. We're in an apartment and her name is on the lease, so I'm not certain what my legal reach is.

All her personal belongings are out.

She told me that she had left OM and that she didn't want anyone in her life - she "just wants to focus on her career". She asked for D again. I acknowledged her. I told her I understand why she feels she's doing the right thing, but I still put Plan B in effect.

Time will tell.

Change the locks- sends a strong message.

Save yourself! Go dark as you can, quickly. No holiday "Hail Mary" reprieve.>sp?

You need a break. Take good care of yourself. If you are obsessing, AD's really help calm you down.

She is with the OM.

This isn't easy. It's been 24 hours, but I'm weathering the storm. I'm troubleshooting a minor computer glitch I've been "too busy" to work on for months.

Yeah right.

Dark!