I am really speechless on how addicted my H is to OW.
We have been separated now for almost 3 and half months. H arrives at work late and leaves early so he can be with her during the time her kids are at school. He has been reprimanded by his superior (we work at the same place) and he keeps doing it.
He has no friends and the friends and collegues at work tell me he is avoiding them or keeps interactions to the bare bones.
He has minimal interaction with our son and with his own family and siblins.
Is he really sick? Where is this going to take him to. I am seriously concerned. He thinks that the love nest with OW will last and be as blissful as it is now, but how can a 50 years old man think that isolation and avoidance and disrispect for rules and obligations can lead him to a new and better life?
I am concerned mainly for my son who has to see his father in this condition of total addiction to one person!
Do you have similar examples that show their level of madness?
blessing

My DH didn't show crazy signs of addiction besides one episode when I was scheduled to go with him on a business trip where the XOW lived. He started an argument and I ended up deciding not to go because of his foul mood. He went and stayed over night (ugh). That's the only time that he showed any signs of an A and I started snooping and found out one week later. Your DH sounds like he is in full throttle. Are you exercising Plan A? What are you doing for yourself? We followed Dr. Harley's plan and one year and six month later our M is in a much better place.

I think my WW could be the poster child for Addiction (with a capital "A"). She was fired from her job in July. I'm guessing the A began shortly thereafter. And until just recently, she never even bothered to look for work, despite being overdrawn on her checking account and way past overdue on her credit cards. Not only did she not look for work, D-day was Oct. 23, and up until the day she moved out (Nov. 30) she NEVER ONCE looked for a place to live.

During the time OM was in the hospital getting his masculinity trimmed, she nearly spent night and day there. Not only have I lost weight, but so has she. The last time I saw her, she seemed almost scrawny (she was 5'4", 108#). She took up smoking again, and still thinks she's going to be distance running.

And all during this time, she thinks she's being a vital, active member of A.A., dispensing her experience, strength and hope to newcomer women, who haven't a clue as to the level of her dishonesty and deceit.

An addict -- no matter to what they're addicted -- is not a pretty sight.

Incidentally, the word "addiction" is often used here. Below are the seven criteria for dependence (mostly alcohol, but it can be applied to virtually any addiction) as listed in the DSM-IV. I believe anyone meeting three or more of these criteria can be considered addicted. Also, the first two are the only physical criteria. The remaining five are all about loss of control:

The seven criteria for substance dependence are:

(1) Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

...(a) A need for markedly increased amounts of the substance to achieve intoxication or desired effect.

...(b) Markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of the substance.

(2) Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:

...(a) The characteristic withdrawal syndrome for the substance (refer to Criteria A or B of the criteria sets for Withdrawal from specific substances).

...(b) The same (or a closely related) substance is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.

(3) The substance is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended.

(4) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control substance use.

(5) A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain the substance (such as visiting multiple doctors or driving long distances), use the substance (such as chain smoking) or recover from its effects.

(6) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of substance use.

(7) The substance use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance.

Source:

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Text Revision, Fourth Edition, (Copyright 2000). American Psychiatric Association.

IMO, in some cases it becomes more than an addiction. It seems to me that some WS's reach a point where they continue in this manner to try proove to others that they were right.

Yes. In some cases it involves evilness.

Hey Fred,

My WW is clearly drinking the same kool-aid as Mrs. Fred. WW is also quite an active member of AA. 15 years in the program. OM? About the same amount of time in the program. They both admitted via e-mail (after my phone discussion with OM) that they have not been behaving like people with that level of time/service in the program, but whatta ya know, TB is still dealing with this cancer......

Maybe alcohol ain't the four alarm fire for them at the moment, but we still have a whale of an addiction situation cooking......

Quite right, quite right.

I generally assume we're ruling out the evil ones when asking questions. Else the answer would always be "they are evil."

A.A. has a saying for this (A.A. has a saying for everything, I think): Denial is an acronym:
Don't
Even
(K)now
I
Am
Lying

I also like Dr. Drew Pinsky's 5-word definition of addiction:

Continued
Behaviour
Despite
Negative
Consequences

And yes, whether WS are focused on just one OP or are serial cheaters with a collection, they sure do fit the description of an addict (see 5-word definition above).

It's understood now that addictions are not just to things like opium. Addictions can be either substance (alcohol, meth, etc.) or behavioural (gambling, shopping, adultery).

I think that anyone who says this stuff is not an addiction has never had a cheating spouse and has never watched them be fully willing to throw away their own families (and sometimes their careers) rather than give up the OP(s).

Update: Tiger has been forced to give up golf. He is losing his endorsements and his wife has moved out and is filing for divorce. But word is that he remains in contact with at least one of his ho collection and plans to spend Christmas partying with his single guy friends.

But he's not an addict. This is all normal healthy behaviour that is making him happy. Right?
Mulan

Mulan

I've never been a fan of the idea that WS's are addicted. I agree that they act like addicts, but they are not addicted. I know people will say a bunch of stuff about dopamine being released in the brain, etc., but chocolate does the same thing.

Hi Cobol,
so you D then you R the M?
H moved out over 3 months ago. I am on plan b.

It might not be an addiction but it certainly does something to him. Make him unreasonable, makes him do weird things.
A while ago H said that he knew he was making a mistake(leaving me, at that point i did not know about the A) and he knew that something was wrong with him, but that the drive to have sex with OWs was too addictive.
Why couldn't he go to see a therapist????
After his first A 4 years ago he said that the A helped him because he only had a choice between an A and suicide. Again...go and see a therapist or a doctor!!!!! Wouldn't that be a huge clue that there is something wrong with you!
blessing

HAHAHA.... my xWH actually told someone that's why he couldn't stop his A after two years.

Well, I can see my H continuing to do what he is doing just to prove he is right. That is so much like him!
But while he is trying to prove he is right it must be sheer h*ll!
He might experience truly what being unhappy means! And he would have to put up a smile!
But you know what....I think he is so messed up that he would be able to do that only for a little while and the he really will become suicidal again!
blessing

atena, like your WH my XH gave up EVERYTHING for PP. He was her manager and almost lost his job but did lose his position. She still works there and so do I.

He avoids most of his old coworkers and friends (because no one agrees with what he did). D16 has not talked or seen him since May and D29 has just recently just started to talk to him. Him and PP still pretend that they are only work acquantances even though they have been living together since June.

He is addicted both to the A and now back to alcohol (no surprise that PP is a big drinker). He lost his morals, ethics, family, finances and has aged 10 years. PP controls his every move and we do not think he is allowed to have any contact.

Will it last? I wait for the karma bus and the explosion. He gave up everything for a cheap plastic cheating ho who cheated on both of her x-husbands and her X-BF of 4 years to go "out" with XH.

I pray one day that when her true self comes out again that the fog will lift.

wow Hope, you work with both o them? Am I understanding this correctly?
How can you do that. I work with H, but hardly see him since we work in different buildings, but I could not imagine seeing OW and H together at work.
Yes, every outsider looks at our Hs and thinks: what in the world are they thinking?
It is so obvious they are making a huge mistake, losing everything and most of all their integrity. But Hs do not see it. They just feel entitled, they feel it is their right.
And your H...going with a serial cheater, an obvious w**re! And still in denial, just like mine. He does not tell anyone at work that we are separated!
This is just madness! They really do not care about anything. They just want to avoid giving any explanations.
My H told his sister that it is his own business what he does in his life and that co-workers or me or friends are not entitled to know or care!
So there you have it!
blessing

That's why exposure is so critical. It ends the fantasy of the affair. An affair is mold growing in the dark corners of a wayward's life.

The sunlight of exposure burns the fantasy of an affair away, leaving only the reality: a marriage gangrenous from lack of attention, the rotting corpse of the wayward's integrity and respect, and the hungry wails of children too long neglected by the selfish pursuit of a wayward's "privacy".

Hope, I pray you will take this in the spirit it is given, and not in the way it might read:

The longer you remain centered in the emotional toilet of this horrible situation, the more you stand to become part of the unflushed mess. I know that it is still raw for you and that you must grieve and let it run its course, but I read in your words an intense sense of non-closure. Your signature says your D was final in October but you haven't yet signed the paperwork. What are you waiting for?

Your description of your XH would probably fit Webster's definition of "damaged." Why hold on to the memory of a person who is so badly wayward (and I don't mean that in the MB sense of the word) that redemption may never come?

Please do yourself a favor: Grieve, yes. But also realize that you are alive -- you have SURVIVED -- and are now a better person for it. Your XH is fallen. And he may never get up.

I exposed to everybody who cares to know! And yesterday at the xmas party at work I exposed to the big boss...and guess what?..Her H has been cheating on her for years and has a kid with OW!
But big boss told me she has to keep up appearance because her H is a big shot politician in a foreign country and has lots of $$$ and she does not want to D because her kids will lose the inheritance as he will then be able to M Ow.
It is amazing what we have to put up with!
But H is really exposed now! At work everybody knows! The neighbor all know, his family, mine, our son....our friends. Really!
But you know what, he lives a life of an hermit and see no one but her. They have their love nest near a beautiful lake and seem to be happy just with eachother!
blessing