I think my exWW is in the running too. She is 34, 5'2", 105#. College degree, very pretty. Her OM is 51, has not had a job in 10 years, has a bench warrant for unpaid child support, was arrested a month after D-Day for pushing around his 75 year old father, plead guilty to that, does not own a car, does not have a dime to his name, has 3 DUI's on his record, and has no teeth!

Did I mention he's also her second cousin?

Me? 34, MBA, worked for a pharma company for the last 10 years. We have known each other since 6th grade.

I look back now on my "addiction" to the OP and cringe with embarrassment and shame. I was totally addicted and foggy. To what, I ask myself now. When reality sets in, it's amazing how stupid the "addiction" looks.

FWIW I didn't trade down, yeah, I know that sounds like some sort of excuse but I had my A with the guy I was going to marry (not engaged). He also didn't trade down.

Surely FOM was a trade down compared to your H?

You had your A with a man who was happy to betray his wife and kids. That is trading down, I should think.

You are absolutely right SC. And by the same token he did trade down with me because I betrayed my H and children.

I don't think that's what people mean though. From what I've read through many years here I've taken that people mean "unattractive, blue collar, stupid etc etc". It's kinda funny (not ha ha) someone on my FB page I met through SI said "you are far too NICE to have had an A." But there you are, I did.

My XH's OW is a chain smokin' house painter who likes to go "tie one on" with JUMBO BUDS. [I actually heard her say this when standing in line behind her in a conv store - "we're gonna go tie one on.."] She chain smokes those little brown cigar/cigarettes and is one of those people who you can tell smoke by looking at their faces, ie: deep lines and white/yellow patches. She drives an old pick up and goes huntin.' I was shocked to my core when I saw her!

She is about 5 years older than me, uneducated, unpolished, and not attractive at all.

So, Mel, you are saying that is what is meant by "trading down".

So, PSUB, would you say she A'd down?

Seriously, I know this storoy but every time I hear it I can't believe it.

She affaired at least 2 miles underground. If it didn't happen to me, I wouldn't believe it either.

Yeah its like that old saying, "Ignore your health and it will go away" If we ignore our deep seated emotional problems our emotional health will go away.

Some people just don't do the work that they need to on themselves when they have a chance. They find other issues to address, Success with Children, Money, Social Status, somebody elses problems, the list is long, and ignore their own need to know themselves first. They feverishly do "good" things and live in denial of things that have hurt them or the scars that have effected their lives and the lives of those around them. Is it any surprize that they will fall into something that is equally contrary to the truth that "They" are their problem?

OPs admiration or willingness to jump in the same boat with them is what draws them together. Just like most addictions, its another way to "fix" themselves while leaving an unrealistic self-image intact. They make their own little private world and the rules that apply are the ones that they deem important. Its like religion, something that man has created, overstepping the rules that God wants us to live by. Which if we are honest with ourselves we all fail to do perfectly at all times even though we agree that the spiritual laws are good. So the new person they hook up with belongs to the new church they create in their new world that picks and chooses which rules are important.
We all are damaged by something in our life, some of us more severely. I think that being honest about who we are and what we are helps us to soul-search. We ARE only human and we are weak units without reaching up and out of ourselves for help. The feeling we get when we are accepted just the way we are is nessesary for us to feel loved. At the same time we are learning every day that we are failble and we need to be forgiven yet again daily. When we have someone in our lives that takes the place of objective truth, love and accepance, (God or higher power of choice) we cling to them because we have fooled ourselves into believing that a human being can replace God.
God gives us grace so we can see how much we need him. We can see that we are screwed up. But instead ppl take that grace and use it to feel entitled with blinders on. Expecting God to bless something totally unrealistic that goes outside of what marriage was supposed to be. Why? Because they deserve it they think, they have suffered enough, Life and God owes them. Vain and selfish.

If they could only see that they are jumping from the frying pan into the fire, that being responsible for thier actions towards others is the reason we make our vows before God, (or replace with higher power), because we will need to continue seeking help as time goes on. Marriage was designed for us to grow individually as well as together and life is hard sometimes. God will bless those who face problems head on and curses those who run away. Its just a fact of life. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself", (Winston Churchill or FDR?).

What causes ppl to hide thier heads in the sand ad refuse to be helped? Why can't they admit they drop thier pride or admit they are human and subject to everything all other humans are? I wish I knew. I would bottle the cure and make a million. But its good to know that as long as we remain in truth we will have a sound mind. That is more important to my conscience, and my relationship with others.

Some might consider that a step up from the likes of me!

I have a GED and no colledge. But like Gumps mama says, "stupid is as stupid does" lol.

Time for me to look into school now. allways wanted to experiance colledge.

Wow, PSUBIKER, that pretty well takes the cake. Second cousins!

My WW OP just got arrested for DUI last week. Found his mug shot online which gave me a smile. First time I've seen a photo of him. Not a bad looking guy, but has a real hard edge to him, like you see in most alcoholics.

I think often people affair down is because they are trying to rid their life of responsibility. If you hook up with some looser then you don't have to worry about being a responsible adult. It's a way of rebelling against expectations.

Yeah, I agree with that Nexus6....my WH said he just didnt want to be married anymore....

Of course people affair down. Decent, self-respecting men and women don't get involved with someone else's spouse. You've got to find trash to do that.
Mulan

Trash, indeed.

The piece of Pond Scum that my FWW wound up with lied to everyone about his marital status. He proclaimed far and wide that he had gotten a D. Everyone believed him, because he was living with his girlfriend at the time. I even believed him.

And when I did the detective work and found out that he really WAS married and contacted his wife and she quoted his gaslighting to me (and obviously believed what she had been told), that ended any WD symptoms on her end.

When I asked her if she would have gotten involved with him had she known he was married, her reaction was immediate and visceral, the kind you can't fake. In fact, she shuddered a little bit and said "H no. Of course not!" She also had the grace to stop, laugh a little, and say "I know that sounds odd, but I couldn't do that."

That DOES sound funny when I write it out, but I got what she meant, and that was another point in her favor.

Well said, Mulan.

What about the younger model (especially Frank Pittman's description the dumsel in distress).My OW was 15 years younger than my H and 10 yrs younger than me.A desperate way to to return to the careless rapture of youth. It is cheating and self deception at many levels

"Just like most addictions, its another way to "fix" themselves while leaving an unrealistic self-image intact."

A very good description of narcissistic mindset

Even if they don't go for someone actually younger, the OP will always be immature. The waywards need to grow up and accept the adult responsibilities of life, like commitment and dealing directly with ones emotions. Instead they think they can just leave it all behind with someone new.

This section from the book Rebuilding pretty well sums up the wayward mindset. My WW said some of the quotes from this chapter to me almost verbatim. Instead of growing up inside the relationship they choose to blame their husband or wife for their unhappiness and look for someone who validates their irresponsibility. So sad.

If you want to remain a party-nut, in my opinion, don't get married. Do a George Clooney.

Seriously--party all you want. UNTIL you get married. Then you forfeit the right to return to youth when you bragged about such things to college buddies.

Those years are over, etc, etc. I'd love to say so much to waywards blaming the MLC...

The affairing down, the immaturity, the Rebuilding article -- all I can relate to.

And getting it all out of your system BEFORE M -- agreed.

And MLC -- NOW my WH wants to party like a rock star after 24 years of marriage and 3 teenagers.

He's definitely rebelling. And I think he went so far off the deep end since he KNEW I'd stay the same... that I'd hold down the fort -- take care of the kids, the house, the dog. If I had been an irresponsible spouse, then perhaps he would not have left.

So I'm to blame for being the "parent"? Kind of unfair. We BOTH acted like parents -- RESPONSIBLE adults -- until he decided to rebel.

And he didn't take me along to rebel WITH -- he rebelled AGAINST me. Like I'm to blame for him having a wife of 24 years, and 3 kids, and a house, and bills, and a responsible job.

He's acting VERY inmature as he rebells and, as the article says, it doesn't help if I point this out. So him and OW taking pictures of their privates and posting to each other is a form of teen-like rebellion.

As long as the immature OP goes along with the rebellion, then there's no chance WS will glance a look at their former self in the mirror. For that to happen, something MAJOR seems to have to happen to jar the wayward back to reality.

OP leaves? Financial loss? Divorce? KARMA BUS..... Because it seems that rebels want to be rebels until someone tells them -- FORCES THEM -- to grow up.