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I can't imagine another way to describe my WXH's behavior other than addiction. In addition to ripping apart our family and all the standard wayward crap, he's still with his OW who is a certifiable psychopath (she's run over her xH with her truck, been charged and convicted, and is currently filing frivilous lawsuits all over the place that are probalby costing them a fortune). There's no way he can't see it and there's no way it doesn't affect his daily life. Now it could be that he's sticking with her now out of pride and that he's afraid of the "I told you so" speeches he's bound to hear. But he didn't get to that point without being hooked to start with.
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Yes, It is an addiction in my opinion. An addiction is a behavior used to cover up pain. Instead of feeling the pain we cover it up with alcohol, drugs, food and yes...people.
Our H have no control over their urge to be with and contact OP.
When my H came back from his 2 week vacation with OW he was like a crazed lunatic. He was texting all the time,he was sighing, he looked lost...he looked as if he had to inject himself a substance in order to calm down. This extreme behavior prompted me to finally snoop and read his text messages. Sure enough there was an OW.!
I swear OW acted on him as heroin would for a drug addict.
All in all...their A with OW is not healthy, is not "normal". It is beyond explanation...and it can't be sustained for long by a normally functioning brain.
Like any addiction...the addict feels good when the substance or person is available, but inevitably it comes a point when the drug no longer works or higher doses are needed. This works with heroin as you can inject yourself more ....but it will eventually kill you.
It does not work with OP because their appeal simply dies off. So at that point either the A ends or WS is too proud to let OP go and admit to the world he was wrong...so he continues the misery of the A and leads a miserable life of regret. Basically welcome to h*ll.
blessing
atena
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Selfishness is involved in an A obviously but it doesn't explain some of the behavior.
My H is absolutely crazy in love with our son. when we are all home together, they are usually side by side, has always been this way. During his A he seemed to forget all about our family and didn't seem to care about our son very much. He was everyday constantly looking for excuses to run out for errands, etc., so he could call/text OW. It was so strange.
I have no idea how to understand this behavior other than the theory that he was addicted... Your H was exhibiting the criteria of impairment, also known as "Giving up or reducing important social, occupational, or recreational activities." Of the seven criteria, only two are physical: (increased) tolerance and withdrawal. The rest are pyschological, known collectively as "Loss of Control." Given that both my WW and I have a background of alcohol addiction, and seeing as how my WW has turned her back on all of the principles and beliefs she espoused, her current behavior suggests to me that she is once again in the throes of addiction. Were it not so, I wouldn't have found my way here. SAA states on page 56 that affairs are addictions. Had this realization not come to me, I would have simply pushed WW away and been endlessly angry and resentful about her behavior. And while I hope for recovery, I'm not overly positive, since addicts are harder to treat than "just plain folks" who get addicted to affairs.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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No, it is not the same thing as when we were in love with our first boyfriend. We did not break a family or hurt our kids by doing that. We were engaging with another person who was not married and who was free to see us and be with us.
We could make healthy plans for the future with him as we were not hurting other people to whom we were bound by vows.
An addiction is a behaviour that can't be controlled. The substance we need drives our every decision.
Maybe I depended too much on my first boyfriend, but I was not addicted to him. I was also 18 and had many hormones going crazy.
blessing
atena
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Lets not forget the luxury of denial. which in my opinion is the worse enemy.
I call it a luxery because they by the idea that it will be better when they run away.
The temptation to give up and start over is great when ppl have a troubled marriage.
Its to bad we all don't see thru the fairytale thats sold to us when we get married. Its work and a garden that needs to be tended to every day. It can produce beautiful fruit if its tended. It will sprout weeds if we let them grow.
There is so much temptation in who we are and we need to recognize it before it becomes a way out of being responsible and accountable. The potential is in all of us.
Some of us succumb to it, some of us walk the edge of the dangerous cliff, some of us dismiss it because we know what it is leading to.
Everyone is different and relationships between people can have many bumps in the road. In the end its what you do when you have a wreck that counts. Not that you are a bad driver.
Truth is we need to learn how to drive and the brave ones go back to school and stay in school.
The proud ones fall over and over.
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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In this society and what we all see every day that causes us to compare what wehave with what "They" have. its allways going to be a battle I think
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I thought the following paragraph might be of interest to those curious about this thread: The pleasure model proposed by professor Nils Bejerot. Addiction "is an emotional fixation (sentiment) acquired through learning, which intermittently or continually expresses itself in purposeful, stereotyped behavior with the character and force of a natural drive, aiming at a specific pleasure or the avoidance of a specific discomfort." "The pleasure mechanism may be stimulated in a number of ways and give rise to a strong fixation on repetitive behavior. Stimulation with drugs is only one of many ways, but one of the simplest, strongest,and often also the most destructive" "If the pleasure stimulation becomes so strong that it captivates an individual with the compulsion and force characteristic of natural drives, then there exists...an addiction ( emphasis mine)" The pleasure model is used as one of the reason for zero tolerance for use of illicit drugs.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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There is a chemical basis for the addiction of an A. It's the Phenylethylamine molecule released during the early stages of a relationship that acts much like a natural amphetamine and is responsible for the infatuation stage of a love. Unfortunately I think what happens is that wayward have some other emotional baggage that makes them susceptible to addiction to Phenylethylamine. They crave that "infatuation" sensation and will destroy their lives and the lives of others to get it, much like a drug addict.
In WW's case and probably in the case of many other waywards they have a aversion to dealing with painful emotions such as anger, loss, boredom or disapproval and use their affair as a way to "get high" on infatuation and numb those emotions. When the infatuation peters out they either recover or cling to the affair out of shame and fear. In many ways I don't think anything about the OP really matters, it's just the feeling they get being infatuated with someone.
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My WH father was battling cancer and was losing and I was also in a depression....my WH definitly bottles his emotions up, always had....he was so close to his father and wasnt even seeing him when he was dying. He was instead with OW, all the time...
My WH sounds like the perfect example of an aversion to dealing with his painful emotions...he didnt even cry when his dad died, no emotion. It has to come out in some way because I know that he loved his father more than anything.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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There is a chemical basis for the addiction of an A. It's the Phenylethylamine molecule released during the early stages of a relationship that acts much like a natural amphetamine and is responsible for the infatuation stage of a love. Unfortunately I think what happens is that wayward have some other emotional baggage that makes them susceptible to addiction to Phenylethylamine. They crave that "infatuation" sensation and will destroy their lives and the lives of others to get it, much like a drug addict.
In WW's case and probably in the case of many other waywards they have a aversion to dealing with painful emotions such as anger, loss, boredom or disapproval and use their affair as a way to "get high" on infatuation and numb those emotions. When the infatuation peters out they either recover or cling to the affair out of shame and fear. In many ways I don't think anything about the OP really matters, it's just the feeling they get being infatuated with someone. There may be a chemical released however i belive that it is just as you stated "it is released in the early stages of a relationship". When we first met our spouses we had that same chemical relased and we "craved" being with them all the time and even though we did not break up a family (or two) or any of the other nasty vulgar things that go with adultery, i am sure that most of us were selfish in our own way during that "new" phase of our relationship with our spouse. Like we did not spend as much time with family or friends and we would find ways to see that person or make up excuses to possibly run into them, or call them all the time. We all did i am sure only we did it in a "relationship" that we could have and did not have to keep secret and did not tear apart anyone else's world for it to happen. So i agree with nexus in that it is simply the "infatuation" feeling that makes them do all the stupid stuff they do when they are having an A. And they usually either snap out of it and realize what the heck they have done or they don't until it is too late and then they hang on for appearances IMHO anyway. However i do not believe it is an "addiction" or "fog".
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So i agree with nexus in that it is simply the "infatuation" feeling that makes them do all the stupid stuff they do when they are having an A. And they usually either snap out of it and realize what the heck they have done or they don't until it is too late and then they hang on for appearances IMHO anyway. However i do not believe it is an "addiction" or "fog". Why can't it be both? Not everyone who drinks alcohol becomes an alcoholic, but those who are predisposed to it either genetically or through socialization are unable to pull back once the addiction takes hold. There was once a supposition that if you put 100 people in a room and gave them a shot of heroin every day, that after 90 days you'd have 100 heroin addicts. But if you put 100 people in a room and gave them several drinks of alcohol every day, at the end of 90 days you'd have only ten alcoholics. And those ten would think they were just like the other 90. The point is that "infatuation," like alcohol, affects certain people in one way and others another. I think this is why Dr. Harley treats infidelity just like addiction: the treatment begins with complete abstinence -- for life -- from the addictive object (the OP). We've also heard about the withdrawal stage, which is also one of the DSM-IV criteria for addiction. Addiction is a funny thing. People know that heroin is addictive, but some think alcoholism is simply a matter of "weak willpower." Yet people can and do die from alcoholic withdrawal, but no such peril exists for heroin withdrawal. Such is our warped societal view. The American Psychiatric Association has not defined a criteria for "Affairism," but considering how on-target Dr. H. seems to be with his analysis, I think that's the only thing missing. Of course, this is merely a mental exercise. Whether or not it is an addiction in the APA sense, the affects of it are as far-flung and devastating as any drug- or alcohol-related problem.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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I tend to lean toward Dr. Harley's theory. He is the expert after all and has seen so many more cases than we have here on the board. I just think some WS's are affected differently than others but I think they all are affected by NC and withdrawal at some level. I also think it has a lot to do with the WS's level of insecurity or low self esteem.
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Well perhaps it my sitch then because my H did not go through withdrawal from his OP, nor did he have NC for a while after because they worked together.
He turned her in to HR for "sexual harrassment" after D-day when she still would not leave him alone and she then quit and tried to contact him later which he told me about and that was the last time either of us have heard from her.
And perhaps it is addictive personalities, however my opinion will remain the same in that i do not think it is an "addiction" or "fog", it is "infatuation", "lust", "newness", "secrecy" and "selfishness".
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And perhaps it is addictive personalities, however my opinion will remain the same in that i do not think it is an "addiction" or "fog", it is "infatuation", "lust", "newness", "secrecy" and "selfishness". Perhaps this describes your own experience, but it doesn't describe the typical. You have only been exposed to your own husband, whereas Dr Harley is a psychologist who has been exposed to thousands. . And perhaps your husband wasn't addicted at all, but Dr Harley accurately describes most as an addiction characterized by a brain fog. Waywards who post here will attest to Dr Harley's depiction. If you want to get a good understanding of what he means, go rent the movie Unfaithful with Richard Gere and Diane Lane. That is the best depiction of the addictiveness of an affair I have ever seen.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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On the "addiction" of an affair, this is what Dr. Harley had to say: Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others, we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn't long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior. Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I've found my total-separation strategy to be very effective at ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn't have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction -- to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
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The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most -- his or her family. After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
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In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover -- for life.
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Kevin was going through an experience that those familiar with addiction know all too well -- withdrawal -- the emotional reaction a person experiences when separated from the object of his or her addiction. Before his marital recovery could begin, he had to get through this temporary, but painful, experience.
--Surviving An Affair Dr. Harley has addressed the possibility certain affairs might not be addictions, but even if it not, the cure to restore marital compatibility is the same. So whether or not it's an addiction, treat it like one and follow his program to restore love to the relationship. Whether or not an affair is truly an "addiction", treating it as one is extremely useful.
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An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn't have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction. Thanks for posting this, BB. Another important take away from this is Dr. Harley's experience with alcoholics. He is one of the few that recognizes the addictive nature of affairs because of his background with chemical addicts. I believe this is what gives him a unique advantage over other psychologists, marriage counselors. Alcoholics on this board also recognize these very same traits in other WS's. Most have the classic traits of an alcoholic.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Still_Crazy I don't think your situation is exactly the same as most here. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your WH still flirting with women and isn't that one of the reasons you are posting on the divorced board? I'm not trying to stir up trouble, but you admit that NC didn't happen immediately with the A that you discovered, so he never had to go through withdrawal from that. And if he's still flirty, he's still getting his fix.
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In my WW's case she has an addictive personality already and has become an alchololic on top of the A. During Plan A she seemed enthused about coming home until I would bring up the need for her to separate from the OP. Then she would get a look on her face like you just grabbed a bottle of booze from a wino. She was completely willing to give up all her friends and family to get that fix. The brain fog is real and simply means that like and addict no logic or reason can get through to the WS.
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Addiction Vs Dependence I used to work in a chronic pain clinic where I treated people who were physically dependent on a chemical (drug).
Calling such people "addicts" is actually a misnomer.
But calling such people "dependents" makes it sound like I'm putting them on my tax returns.
the important distinction between physical dependence and uncontrolled psychological craving (addiction).
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In my WW's case she has an addictive personality already and has become an alchololic on top of the A. During Plan A she seemed enthused about coming home until I would bring up the need for her to separate from the OP. Then she would get a look on her face like you just grabbed a bottle of booze from a wino. She was completely willing to give up all her friends and family to get that fix. The brain fog is real and simply means that like and addict no logic or reason can get through to the WS. Wow, can I relate to that, Nexus. My WW was nine years "sober" in A.A. before she began her A (also with someone in A.A.). Her slide down was quick and hurtful to see. We both lost weight on the "my wife is having an affair" diet, but she started smoking. She's pushed away her kids, and the only "friends" she has now are the newcomer women in A.A. she "sponsors," and some of her Facebook friends she chats with occasionally (I had to block one today, as I saw she had commented on this person's status. I don't want to read anything she has to say). This woman has truly been taken over by an alien. Question is: Is my wife still in there, somewhere?
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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