You are handling this about the same as anyone who is new and raw in this situation. No one here is judging you or thinks you are beyond help. Quite the contrary.

What you need to do is stop trying to think for yourself and let the collective wisdom of MB do the thinking for you! This stuff has all been seen and said before, just not to you.

Come here -- camp here, if you must (I did!) -- and let the folks who've earned their stripes help and guide you through this.

Thanks everyone, she still has money and she still has a car. But that is about to change, I am taking her car, it's in my name. She said she plans on meeting OM for their New Years trip. I can't stop her from running away, but she will have to find another mode of transportation.

That's the right thinking. Don't be the financier of her affair. That's your boundary... not hers.

TTF

It sounds like it may be time for you to preent her with a Plan B letter and you go into Plan B... Go ahead with your plans for the vehicle, etc. Let her figure out how she is going to conduct her A at this point--but, make it plain to her that you will in no way support it.

If I were you, I would also make it plain to her that if she does not want to work on the M and go NC, then Plan B is to be expected and that she should NOT expect to uproot your children in the process. In other words, if she wants to leave then she will do it wothout the kids.

I am really sorry for you--this is a crappy time of the year to be dealing with this but, please know that you CAN have a happy time and a happy life with your children.

Consider Plan B IMO...
And, please--don't quit on us here!!

TTF -- she is not special or unusual.

Regretably, I said nearly EXACTLY the same thing to my BH. The whole spiel about me being nice and him jumping to conclusions and trying to fight for us.

She desperatly wants you to give up. You are making her uncomfortable with your Plan A.

If you are on the verge of quitting -- then it is most definetly time for plan B. And it is my opinion that Plan B is far more effective on WW's. Its almost NECCESSARY. And you need to be tough about it.

Agreed.

Please don't tell her that you are taking the car. Have it disabled at the last possible moment. Put a GPS on it as well in case she tries to sneak it away.

I'm in. Can you give me the outline of an example Plan B? Or please direct me to a thread so I can gain a better understanding. Thanks again

TTF, start here.

There are some folks on this board who have written awesome Plan B letters, and they will help you craft one, too.

Go pick up a copy of "Surviving An Affair". If you have a PC, iPhone, or Kindle, you can have it in just a few minutes for $10. It's a fast read, literally perhaps 3 hours if you are a fast reader and maybe 8 if you are slow.

He outlines Plan A/Plan B much better, IMHO, than you can get from posters here. The only advantage posters have is early access to information on exposure... which IIRC you've already done.

TTF

This is some of what Dr. Harley says about Plan B:

"Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B."

"Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?"

I believe there is an example of a Plan B letter in SAA--which you have, don't you?

Also, there is a thread somewhere here on Plan B and possibly the letter. You just have to tell her what you expect in terms of actions and lay out your course of action i.e., you will not support her affair, you will not see or talk to or communicate with her in any way until she ends the A, etc.

Look around here on the board and you will probably find the thread for Plan B. And, in the meantime, if I find it I will post it here for you.
I think you are making a good choice.

Here is one thread with some good examples:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2210488#Post2210488

You can post yours here too for suggestions.

Thanks everyone, I have to leave now, I will be back after I have slept. Thanks again.

You can SLEEP? Please let me know your secret!

TTF,
Glad you�re back. You�re in the right place. I didn�t mean to go postal on ya. Maybe it's wrong but I would have taken it a little bit personal if you flew the coop. Your success gives me strength in my own fight against adultery; I suspect others feel the same way.

You�re doing fine. You�re self-assessment was really pertinent to me because I had just been re-reading my thread from the beginning (about a month ago I started posting and executed an exposure). I remember feeling so anxious and wondering if this whole approach was going to work. The more people encouraged me the more I learned. Everything they said was right on. Even things I�m just now figuring out. I wish I knew now what I didn�t know then, but I guess it doesn�t work that way.

It�s SO overwhelming though. Especially at first. These are not easy concepts and it takes a while to absorb them. Read what you can when you can. Meanwhile you have a WW getting closer to a OM by the minute, so time seems to be of the essence. You have to figure out what to do next, you�re aching inside, the one who loved you a year ago is choosing someone over you, she�s talking a different language (alien fog bullsh*/-ese), and most of the time you just want it to stop (preferably with OM falling down a flight of stairs in the process). But you have to remain calm and in charge of your emotions. You have to have a plan. A Plan (or Plan A) is what keeps you focused and not succumbing to the mindless babble you�re going to hear.

Get your marching orders here. Carry out your orders to the best of your ability and forsake the temptation to deviate. You will be in a better place for it.

Don�t forget to make a mental note of the things she says he gives her. As much as you want to scream, she�s telling you where you can improve in the future (ASAP) I read this idea here and have been applying it. My WW got her EN�s of IC and RC from the OM. Guess which EN I try to meet first, if she�ll let me? (I�m in plan A) I was never very good at those things, but damn you can learn quick when your life is on the line.

I'm so not out of the woods with my sitch, so I can't advise you much. But I can say that I would have been completely dismantled without this "online support group" (that's what I call it). Completely dismantled.

Sounds like you might be going to plan B. Read up. And know that there are plenty of people here for you.

opt

ok?? So whats the problem?? She said the EXACT SAME THING that all fogbound WSs say when you interfere with their affair? SO WHAT? Do you quit trying at the first rant that comes out of the mouth of a falling down drunk? Or do you realize you are talking to a person is HIGH AS A KITE and continue doing the right thing for your marriage?

If you are going to collapse and cry at a little FOGBABBLE, you are not going to make it!! You need to IGNORE her babble, finish your exposures and STICK TO YOUR PLAN.

You don't allow a falling down drunk to drive the boat or divert you from your PLAN. Understand?

Now, are you going to stick to the plan here so you can save your marriage? Or are you going to collapse in tears everytime she babbles some fogbabble??

Here is YOUR PLAN if you want to save your marriage. If you don't want to save your marriage, then waste your time listening to FOGBABBLE.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

ok, now I am up to speed. TTF, I would tell everyone, including the OM's friends and your child about your wife's plans to meet the OM on New Years Eve. Then when she is leaving, you can hand her this letter [reworded in your own words], from Surviving an Affair:

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

She should be placed in a position where she has to explain to her parents and her child why she plans on leaving to meet her adultery partner in New YEars Eve.

If you haven't read Scotland's thread, she executed a stellar plan A and just went into a plan B on Friday. By most accounts it's textbook and might give you some perspective on steps to take in for the next week or so.

Clearly you're in pain. Stand up and fight. You can do this, TTF.

Opt