Our only daughter is 12.
I don�t know any of the details of the trip except that she plans on leaving her office at 12:00pm on the 30th.

So, how do you plan on taking her vehicle? Maybe she is planning on leaving directly from work or not coming home in between??? Do you have a gps on her vehicle? If not, you should get one.

No, I'm just going to take it. It's in my name, I'm going to take it away from her Sunday. I will drive her back and fourth to work. She can borrow a vehicle if she has to, but she's not driving the family car.

I have to leave now and probably will not be back until Sunday. I appreciate every last one of you and wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I would not be sitting here talking if it weren�t for you; I would probably be in a hospital somewhere or worse. I am going to pray for everyone here and all our families that this will be our season to turn things around. God Bless

I used to live in that area too! I'm not far now but in another state.

TTF, I just read this thread and I think you're doing a really great job! Your WW's venom reminds me of my WH. He spewed some really vile stuff too. You're getting the best guidance here so hang in there!

"I am going to pray for everyone here and all our families that this will be our season to turn things around. God Bless "

In case you get a chance for a quick check-in on your thread over the holiday, know that others including myself are also praying for you and your family. Merry Christmas, my friend.

opt

What now?
I had a decent Christmas, no battles, both families were cordial toward WW; it actually went smoother than I thought it would.

The day after Christmas WW made the comment that we needed to decide what we were going to do. She said she promised to stay until Christmas, now that Christmas is over she asked if she should move out. She said she was tired of my spying and treating her like a child. I don�t think I�ve treated her like a child; I�ve treated her like an adulteress, which is exactly what she is. I told her to do whatever she wanted to do. I�m just about sick of her. She somehow thinks that I owe this to her, that since she decided to do this I should make it as easy and painless for her as possible. I doubt she will be home tonight.

I�m thinking of a compromise, if she will move back in with her parents where I�ll know she and my daughter will be safe, I won�t fight her for taking our child out of our home. This is something we fought hard over yesterday. My opinion is: She is the one committing adultery, she is the one breaking up the family unit, and she should be the one to leave�.alone. Her opinion, as you can imagine, is just the opposite of mine. Since she has re-written history I have become the worst father of all time. I�ve never been there for my family and I�ve done everything in my power to make this affair possible. I know it is all fog but in her mind I�m Attila the Hun. We are getting nowhere like this.

I also told her to clean her car out. I am not going to let her drive our family car on another adulterous rendezvous with her lover. She told me that I am being childish and petty; she would just go out and buy another car on her own. She may very well buy another car, but I remain firm, the car that she is driving at the moment is ours, I bought it for our family, I don�t pay insurance on it so she can have a nice car to drive her boyfriend around in. Her argument is the fact that she has a job and contributes to the family budget, this is true. But the family, as I have told her, is made up of the three of us, boyfriends are not considered family. Therefore boyfriends must travel 2nd class.

I am fully prepared, emotionally at least, to have her move out. I am ready to enter some form of plan B, not with the intentions of getting my wife back, but with every intention of trying to heal myself and make sense of the senseless. I don�t want my wife back, not like this. What I want is what we once had, I want the �US� that�s in all of our pictures, that�s in the million miles we�ve traveled together, and that�s in the memories that fill my days and nights.

The marriage that we had is gone; the girl that I married is lost. I feel that the only way for us to recover and possibly restore our love is to completely obliterate what we have now. You can�t build upon pain and mistrust. There must be some form of mutual respect and desire for there ever to be any chance at all, right now I do not desire or respect her.

Please do not mistake this as me surrendering; I just believe it�s time to change the battle plan. I have done just about all that I can do toward killing the affair, the car will disappear tomorrow. She only has 1 friend left, the rest see what is going on and have distanced themselves from her. The only place she has left to go is home to her parents, and that will get old to her in a hurry, in fact it�s probably the best thing that could happen for me.
Thoughts?

Right on. You are exactly right here. You have to treat her as you see her, not how she says she is.


DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR CHILD. Once you allow that to happen, it then sets a precedent that you care less for the child should anything legal happen. Your home is the child's home. The other reason to fight? It's YOUR kid. How can you even entertain anyone else taking on the responsibility to imprint the right morals on that kid?


At least you realize this. That's good.


That's not childish and petty. That is protecting family assets and resources from doing things that do not support the betterment of the family. Stick to your guns on this one.


You are saying all the right reasons for Plan B. Just drop the "some form" part. Fully do it, or expect less than optimal results.



Also a good statement, but do you realize that getting back to that "US" is going to be a journey, not a revelation? You (the two of you) slowly deteriorated your marriage to get where you are at. It will go back even slower, because letting go didn't take effort. It was down-hill. You can get back to where you were, but it will be an up-hill fight every step of the way. Why bother? Because struggle, in general, breeds closeness. You CAN be closer at the end of it.


If I read between the lines of what you wrote, I am not hearing a tone of disrespectful judgments. You sound like you have thought all of this out. That's good. As the BS, you are going to have to carry the "this makes sense" torch alone. Sounds like you are.

PLEASE do NOT allow her to take your child from your home! YOU WILL NEVER LIVE WITH YOUR CHILD AGAIN if you do this.

Go to a lawyer TODAY and do whatever it takes to NOT let her take that child out of your home. You will not regret it.

Thanks folks, I need all the input I can get on this one.

TTF

I'm glad that you made it through the holiday.

However, you were directed (if I am not mistaken) last week (before the holiday) to compose a Plan B letter outlining all of your requirements--AND to contact an attorney to keep your WW from taking your daughter out of the home. It is not your daughters' fault and she should not be ripped up from her home.

Why have you not done this yet?

Call an attorney TODAY--compose a Plan B letter and let the chips falls where they may. Once you do that, the ball will then be in WW's court.

Listen to me TTF--YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. It may be a long time before you see this but, you will. PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER--CALL AN ATTORNEY TODAY AND WRITE THAT LETTER.

If WW wants to go out and get herself another car, then so be it--you are right in doing what you are doing for the car, etc.

You are getting the best guidance here that you could possible get--why are you not taking it?
Oh, and call Dr. Harley for a session?
Do NOT let your WW use you as a doormat and do not let her push you or your daughter out of your home.

TTF - I haven't been on for a few days but have caught up with your situation. I can't offer any more or better info than you're getting, but I do want to wish you the best. You are doing the right things - keep it up. You're WW is the loser right now - take care of yourself and your daughter. God bless.

Thanks Linus, I know from my writing that it may sound like I am not applying what I have learned here, please believe that I am trying to. I think maybe my situation may have already gotten way out of hand before I found this place. I think I might have been applying plan A theories when plan B was called for. Regardless it�s time now for something to happen, I don�t know what.
I am in the middle of composing a plan B letter; I also finally got an appointment with an appropriate attorney, tomorrow morning at 9:00 am. All this is falling together at about the right time. She is rumored to be leaving Wednesday at noon for another honeymoon. If that�s the case then that�s when it will hit the fan. She will have to�.1st - arrange for alternate transportation. 2nd � explain to her daughter where she is going and why (of course I will tell our daughter the truth even if she doesn�t). 3rd � find somewhere to live when she gets back. 4th � live with it.

Way to go ttf. Way to go.

In EVERY other transgression, society accepts no less than lying in the bed you make.

But adultery is different and it doesn't make sense. Consider me a fan, for both your steps you are taking and the tone you are conveying while doing it.

If you compromise, you will be compromising with a terrorist whose goal is the destruction of your marriage. Your battle has just begun, so there is no reason for you to give up before the battle has begun. All that has happened here is that you have struck a blow to the affair and your wife is angry about that. AS SHE SHOULD BE.

So, would it be ok if we got back to YOUR AGENDA? Your agenda is to save your marriage, not to consider or entertain the agenda of a terrorist whose goal is the destruction of your marriage and your family. Can we please SET ASIDE her agenda and work on yours?

Ok, now that we have cleared that up, lets get back to work here.

If your wife wants to move out, tell her you are sure sorry she wants to leave and YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER WILL MISS HER SORELY. Don't let the door hit ya in the [censored]. But she should not be allowed to move your DD from her home without a court order and a BIG [censored] SHERIFF with a loaded .45. If she wants a separation, then the onus should be on her to get it. PERIOD. Tell her you are not interested and will only discuss MARRIAGE, not divorce, not separation.

so please, stop talking about "compromise" and get back to work. Do not cooperate with the destruction of your marriage unless you want a destroyed marriage. Have you exposed to everyone that your wife plans on meeting her adultery partner this week?

You are not anywhere NEAR Plan B, so put that aside.

What you must do before Plan B is try to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. You have just started doing that.

Of course that marriage is gone. And you better hope it is, because that marriage is what preceded this affair. That doesn't mean you can't start all over and have a great marriage just like the rest of us.


Why would you change the battle plan when it is WORKING? Have I just not smoked enough crack this morning and am not getting your reasoning? Your plan is WORKING superbly. You have got the affair out in the open, the affairees are running scared and are becoming more and more isolated. THE AFFAIR IS ON THE ROPES AND YOU WANT TO QUIT??

WHY??

Yes to everything Mel has just posted. Harley typically recommends six months of Plan A for BH (if you can do it). You are still in Carrot & Stick part of Plan A from what I'm determining in this thread.

Pepper's Carrot & Stick thread

Gg