From what I have seen here it varies. Right after Dday my FWH moved quickly in trying to save M. I really didn't do anything as I was planning on D him. I didn't know about MB at the time. We went to MC (only because I thought it would fail and wanted to be be able to tell the kids I tried). You can ask your MC if he/she can use the MB program. My MC had it but I didn't know about to ask for it. My FWH liked this site better than going to MC. We followed the program on our own and our M is now recovered.

Gg

For a month before D-Day, my H would come home, in a foul and critical mood. I knew something was bothering him, and ASSumed it was the kids and me getting on his nerves. After coming to MB I realize that he was in withdrawal as well as dealing with the realization that things were starting to blow up. (OWH was emailing & texting him.)

I found our MC. When I scheduled the first appt., I said "Before we schedule a time with you, I want to ask you one thing: Do you believe that the BS deserves to have all of their questions answered?" (If he said 'no' I wouldn't have set a time with him.) He agreed that it was a part of healing for the BS to have ALL questions answered to their satisfaction. So I scheduled. We went for about 1/2 year, but we're so concentrated on our M we felt we could stop going. My only concern at this point is possibly needing counselling to overcome my occasional AO, LBs etc.

I feel like I am making some mistakes around talking to our supporting friends and family.

Essentially, I often find myself having to be less than honest about what I am doing in terms of meeting with or talking to people. I am doing this because I do not want WW to call the people before I get to them. This approach has been given to me here, but I am struggling with the LB component of not being honest, and I am not sure if at this point I should just be totally honest.

Thoughts?

mfoss, I have always found the truth to be the best policy. For one, you don't have to remember what lie you told to whom. It may seem uncomfortable to say, "I am trying to save my marriage, and it's very difficult and painful for me. But I think you should know the facts." Keep in mind that your WW will try to cloud the issue, by saying the OM isn't really the issue, or that you're off your rocker, or anything like that.

You should just remain calm, stick to your guns, and let folks know that you have facts and evidence and that you hope they will give you their advice (NOT their sympathy) and support in your efforts to save your M.

Everything about this seems to go against the principles we hold dear. But then, an A goes against them too, so unusual times require unusual tactics.

mfoss,
Are these conversations due to your exposing or are they just general conversations? It sounds like you are still exposing and you really should be wrapping that up. You have gotten the most influential exposures done right? You don't have to expose to EVERY blood relative or friend. However if the topic comes up over the holidays then the truth is the best policy. Short and sweet like Fred said.

You need to finish that part of the plan up. Then eliminate LBs. Work on improving you and meet her ENs.

My exposure has gone on longer than I would like, partially because of practical circumstances, and partially based on new information that I have discovered. So, it is a necessity, as much as I do not want it to be. I am getting better at it though!

I appreciate the value meeting ENs and eliminating LBs, and I am doing what I can in that department in the interim.

Lots of hard work, but I feel I am making progress for sure. Thanks very much to you all!

Better to of exposed late then never to of exposed or do an incomplete exposure.

Hi all - things are going better, not in recovery yet, but inching forwards. It looks like OM is out of the picture for good (fingers crossed). I am hitting plan A hard! I was looking forward to it, and I do generally enjoy it, but it can be a lot tougher than I thought it would be! I was obviously being foolish...

Anyways, the reason for my post here tonight is that it is WW's birthday in the next week, and I am struggling with gift ideas. We spend the holidays with a big family group, and we will not have much private time alone.

So, I thought I would ask for advice. She is still very much on the fence in terms or working on the M, so I think I need to be discreet in whatever I do so that it does not cause her public stress with the family.

I was thinking about a personalizing a nice shirt for her, and maybe a massage at a spa during the holidays. Your thoughts and suggestions are needed! Thanks in advance...

The best gift I ever gave my H was a picnic basket (yes, in December). In it was a bottle of champagne, two champagne glasses, some chocolate covered strawberries, and a coupon for a weekend for two at a sailing ship bed and breakfast. The B&B didn't quite live up to its hype, but the romance in it just blew his mind. I chose it because it was what HE loved - the romance. I couldn't care less about romance, but HE loves it. So his gift was all about what would make him swoon.

What would make her swoon?

Hey mfoss, part of a great A is focusing on being the best YOU you can be... Things included in this are working out, getting a haircut, maybe getting some new clothes, planning fun activities for yourself and your kids/family and inviting WW along ~ if she declines, then go ahead w/o her and have a great time, making the house as inviting as you can...

ps, just a thought, but a romantic gift may turn off your W right at this time.

This resonates with me. I have been working on myself and my stuff, and the the kids. And it really helps to make me feel better, and act more sanely!

My sense is that anything romantic will not be appropriate at this juncture as you suggest. I feel I need to do something though, just what?

Yeah, I didn't really mean do anything romantic. Swoon wasn't the right word. Maybe gush. As in, 'oh, I always wanted to learn how to skydive! Thank you for remembering that!'

What would mean a lot to her? What would show her that you listen to her and know what really matters to her? Sometimes these don't even have to cost anything. For instance, I bought window boxes 10 years ago, and H wouldn't let me put them up myself. Told me HE would do it. Well, guess what? They're buried in the garage so deep I'll never find them again. If I were to come home one day and see that they were installed...I'd be over the moon happy with him.

I like Cat's last suggestion. DS is a top EN for me so if my H did something like surprised me with a clean house top to bottom or installed some California closet organizers in our master bedroom or something along those lines it would make major LB$ deposits.

Another idea was something to remind her of the history of your life together, maybe one of those picture frames that does a slide show with digital pictures, with pics of past vacations, kids in their halloween costumes, good memories, etc.

mfoss, try to remember things that she asked you to do in the past. Did you ever tell her that you would do something and then put it off? What was on your honey do list?

Just a bump to say I'm thinking of you, mfoss. Christmas can be a very stressful time of the year, and this year it could be enormously stressful. I hope somehow you manage to find a glimmer of joy and hope during this season.

I'm praying for you. Merry Christmas.

Fred

hi all, just a quick note to say I am back and I survived christmas. Lots to reflect on, and to work on. Plan A is quite hard, and I am learning a lot.

Fred: as always, thanks very much for your kind words and thoughts. I am praying for you as well.

Not to mention the redskins.

A new year, and new challenges for me to work through.

I bought "His needs, Her Needs" as part of trying to execute a good Plan A. I have found it to be very helpful.

I am struggling with making choices around which areas to focus on. I have completed an assessment of her needs, and I think I have a decent (although not perfect) idea of areas to work on.

The hardest parts are:

- trying to separate "fog talk" from legitimate dialog, balancing real listening with "Would you like a potato chip", and not reacting negatively
- breaking my own bad LBing habits
- finding the strength to make continuous effort with no expectations for the immediate term

I think I would keep in the back of my mind, MY life - with or without her. Any dialogue would be focusing on the fact that you may - and CAN - survive without her. Acknowledging that to yourself takes away the fear, the insecurity, the neediness. No matter WHAT she says or does, you'll be ok. So you can't get dragged into meaningless conversations that won't help YOU in the long run. If she wants to move forward beside you, so much the better; but if she doesn't, you've got it handled.

Plus, maintaining that composure makes you look darn attractive.

Eliminating your own selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outburst in the face of your spouse's independent behavior and dishonesty is very, very hard work.

I ended up vacillating a lot... my Giver would work for like 5-8 days, no problem, then my Taker would rear up and I would love-bust like crazy! Then again, I'd been in an unknowing equivalent of "Plan A" for five months already. None of us are perfect, but your goal is to be as good as possible so that your spouse has the best impression possible of you if you need to go to Plan B.

If you keep your topics of conversation light and distant from the affair -- avoid relationship talk entirely! -- you may find your wayward very honest in brief moments between boiling rolls of fog. You can glean a lot by just engaging in casual conversation and changing the subject if/when anything about your relationship or the affair comes up.

If I had known that...

Just kidding mfoss. But I live with a redskins fan and his whole family can be rather obnoxious when they have a good team. Thank goodness it has been awhile.

Hope all is going well.