p.s. the third time is not a "charm," it can mean unmanagable - but very warranted - RESENTMENT that is impossible to overcome.

Mind you, I don't know a thing about management, but don't you have a duty to disclose such a conflict of interest to your higher-ups anyway?

ps ~ Please listen to Melody. She knows what she is talking about.

Thanks, Susie.

Plexie, does the OW's husband know about the affair? You may have posted about this, but I didn't see it.

And does the OW have a facebook account?

OWH said he cant help me he said he's been separated from her over a year and filed divorce this past summer. i asked why the marriage ended but I don't think I'm gonna get answer.... and yes OW ha facebook account as I and my husband too OW is friend of both of ours and OWH is actually friend of mine on Facebook.

I ran into WH today on the job and he asked for pager back.he told me my note to him about having good day isn't going to happen. i said i understand but i hope have good one anyway. he said i cut off his support and he dont have a pager for emergency... I said not until he tells me passwords and we sit together and read the messages. He said he has right to privacy and he said that if he got into a car accident he would need a way to contact for emergency. I said he will need to rebuild trust to earn privacy back. he said he isn't having affair and he isn't addicted and its b.s. he said this big problem that hes not sure we will get over. then he said cut off the pager I took (i pay the bills) and I said ok if you get new pager you got to leave. i said does that mean you lied yesterday saying you want counseling and our early morning talk was that lies too? if you want o work it out you have build trust. he said he didn't lie and nodded furiously when i said you're the one who said wanted to go counseling...we kinda got interrupted and both needed to leave anyway...

*at one point he kinda brattishly 'screamed' at me that I broke promise and checked his pager...and that is lying to him so I lie too * i checked because i saw the signs....and Iknew...

i remained calm and reiterated the fact he is one that had affair, for third time and if he serious we have sit together with pager. he is lost, not himself and addicted to the affair,and thats why this is happening that he isn't himself and thats why he doesnt see his behavior is destryoing marraige... he saying hes not having affair (looking down) he isnt addicted--thats b.s. over and over...

i hit a low point during this cuz i know i must remain calm and he is still saying we go counseling and he still say he want work out but this pager issue is big problem and i told him its cuz you're upset you cant continue affair. he said you deleted her contact info. i said you found a way to lock your pager which means that you found another way to talk to her and you are CONTINUING the affair. he looks away. he looks like death warmed over...pale and black bags... and cant even look at me... i think he sick with his own self and he's on an edge.. his history of bad coping skills is going to push him off... push off of what I dont know or where he will go either..i don't know him..

I'm lost, can't eat.....I'm lonely and hurt and destroyed...

we are past th elovebusters and thanks for the stick advice...umm.. I requested counseling with Dr harley for tmrw and I know probably it wont happen, i asked for monday and tuesday but honestly i'm going to be home tmrw ALL day (both WH and me will not be working)and i don't know what to do, i can't go to a friends house that my house(mortgage my name only) and i wont leave my home... i will be in serious financial turmoil should he leave for another place but I'll look for roommates... i will try... i have a sinking feeling Melody is right and there really is no hope for me...SERIAL CHEATER (knife in heart)...

yes. resentment.... i think that signpost is just up ahead and his angry outburst today is speeding me towards that destination.

I am wondering if you should be reading up and learning about Plan B. That is where you give your WH a love letter, giving him the conditions that he would need to meet in order for you to invest any more in this M...eg, NC, 100% transparency, counseling with the Harleys etc.....and then you cut off ALL communications with him and he moves out...

Not only does your H need to experience consquences for having a third EA, but you may lose all your desire to recover the marriage if he continues lovebusting you this way...

{{{{{{Plexle}}}}}} Hang in there.

I really do appreciate all of your help bu I am unable to move right now on the human resources exposure aspect of this--and what you're all suggesting. I need to think.

(((((Plexle)))))

Sleep on all this tonight. You're barely functioning, only few hours of sleep, you've barely eaten.

For tomorrow morning, I would suggest get out of the house to think. Take your laptop to Starbucks for a bit or something like that.

"but she has a good professional career going - finally - and she doesn't want to jeopardize it in any way by going to HR."

She has nothing to fear she is not carrying on an affair.

Plexie, exposure, and I mean a nuclear exposure, is going to be your best weapon against his affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure is ruinous. Our most impactful exposures have been those that were done on facebook and workplace exposures. Affairs are like a crack addiction, and exposure is like bringing in a crowd of onlookers into the crack house to watch the crackheads get high.

But it needs to be done in strategic, methodical way all on the same day so that it hits like a tsunami. The affairee will be furious so it is best to have them angry over one big exposure and get over it instead of several exposures dragged out over time.

Exposure targets should be:

1. workplace
2. family - friends
3. OP's facebook friends and parents

We have many marriages on this forum that are recovering today because of exposure. Here is what Dr Harley says about it:

entire article

No, he does not have the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. No one has that right. And people who have nothing to hide...........don't hide.

plexie, another suggestion is to confront the OW and let her know that her gig is up and hell is coming. Tell her you will fight for your marriage and she would be wise to stay away from your H. Make as much trouble for her as possible.

In the facebook exposure, I would suggest sending an email to all her facebook friends with something like this:

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, Plexie

Then ask a friend to turn them in.

It's 12:50 and he's not home, no telling where he went when dismissed at 11:45pm... I am not in agreement with facebook friends exposure... I need to think about it..and honestly I'm starting to lean towards keeping his pager hidden and, saying goodbye...

I know it's hard to deal with him when he's pushing back at YOU for pushing back at HIM. But it can pay off in the end. Don't give up yet. To get the REAL man back that you need, you have to fight this affair. It sucks, but there it is; that's what you're stuck with right now.

Here's the deal. He is an addict right now. All he can think about is getting his next fix of her. He'll lie, steal, humiliate you, even give up his own kids if he had to, to get that fix.

That is why exposing the affair is your ONLY weapon. He will NEVER become your old H as long as he has access to her. How to do that? By telling everyone he cares about that he is making a mistake, and asking them to help you set him straight. This is not about humiliating him, getting revenge on him...nothing of the sort. Exposure is about showing him and her that what they 'think' is love or whatever, is actually stinking, slimy filth - and they will only see that if they see it reflected in the eyes of their parents, siblings, best friends, pastors...

That is why you have to expose. And I gotta tell you, in the 3 years I've been here, I've never seen anything work as well or as quickly to stop an affair as exposing to one's Facebook friends. Nothing.

Bottom line, if you don't expose the affair, you might as well just leave. Because he'll either dump you for her, or he'll know that he can do whatever he wants, rub it in your face even, and you'll be so weak and dependent that you'll let him do anything as long as he doesn't leave you. THAT is sad.

I have sent exposure email already i was protesting the facebook format...

i thought the exposure email is to most important people in our life... i sent that yesterday i think.. got not much support and some support...he got asked a million questions... got angry during exposure period but came home all nice-nice cuz he secretly locked his pager and he got his 'fix' of me i guess knowing he had a locked pager and i wouldn't be able to access his aduleterous behavior...

soon as I saw it locked i knew why...and took it with me. I have hidden it.

i'm very wired anxious and sick and i don't see how facebook thing is going to work...

you are saying email every facebook MUTUAL friend of OW and WH???

I think you're starting to see how his wayward self is thinking. Good work on the exposure so far.

And who do you think is ON Facebook? Only everyone in his/her life with whom he/she wants to keep in contact. Does that not sound like important people?

Look at it this way. You're already halfway out the door. Ready to quit. But you've only done a partial exposure, so you're only getting partial results. Since you're already halfway out the door, why not give the MB plan a fair shake and do a FULL exposure, to see if it shakes the crap loose from the rafters? Also, one day of exposure isn't enough to judge its validity yet. Add in things like a parent telling him that 'skank' is not welcome to their home...stuff like that can add up and blow a hole skyhigh in their fantasy thinking.

Plus, in your situation, I don't really think he wants to leave you. He is a cake eater. Show him you have too much dignity to accept that.

Look, in 3 years, I've seen those who do NO exposure (they never come back with success stories); those who do 'safe' exposures (they may get the WS back, but it's on the WS's terms, not the BS's terms); and those who get MAD and INDIGNANT and fight like hell to let the whole world know what a crappy thing their WS is doing to them. All of the best success stories fall into that category. This is the one time in your life that you need to be strong and mad and lean/mean. Let HIM know what YOU are willing to accept in a H (hint: it doesn't include cake eating - you deserve better than that).

I am torn, Cat and thank god you are awake right now, I am half-dead, little sleep almost zero food, diarheah...just coming off sinus infection...

I think but I'm torn because a big part of me is starting to get angry and starting to scream "he needs to get the hell out of my life' and a VERY small voice wants him and marriage to work... but i'm freaking nuts cuz its third time and when I am going to WAKE UP and start protecting me!!! I'm getting mad... and i such a rookie and idndt do full scale exposure... i have a lucrative position at work and don't want to deal with this... i'm manning a vacant position and I'm also manager of the program I work for... its been a very strenuous 14 weeks you see of me doing 2 jobs and... I don't want deal with this at work... so i dont think goign to human resources for MY SANITY is right...

I'm seeing your VERY GOOD point about me half way out the door...and going ahead to tell facebook friends of OW.

Don't make big decisions too quickly, while you're under duress. But DO know what you can accept. Think back to before you married him. What would you have accepted then? Why is it different now? You are just as valuable as him.

So, if you're not willing to expose at work, do you know friends of hers at work? Maybe you can do a sideways exposure there, let her/his/your friends put some pressure on them at work. Nothing people like more than to gossip, you know?

Do you have friends you can go to for support right now? What about your parents? HIS parents? I assume you've told all of them, right?

ETA: Buy some of those nutrition drinks, ok? If you don't feel like eating, they can help keep you healthy til you do. Also, try melatonin pills to help you sleep. It's all natural, but effective.

Umm, you said exposure has to be all at once right?? so thats why I'm freaking out __i did exposure to close loved ones and friends already but not...the facebook and work thing...

Fainee (she is junior member and has posted here) and I are talking, i met with fainne and susqieQ and she and fainne live nearby me... often she offers me support and introduced me to MB.

my parents DONT KNOW--they are divorced since age 3. father in Wisc currently going thru Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from Vietnam War (reluctant to add this to his list of medical and anxiety issues).. mother is in florida and i'm not going to get support I need from her as she gave birth to me when she was 17 has never recovered from losing her adolescence and my grandmother basically raised me (she's dead, RIP since 2 years) and honestly mom has an alcohol problem and immature take on life... she will scream 'leave him now' (i am in new england, far away from them) I am the only child.

my WH's sister deleted my exposure email from my WH's mother's pager because WH mother has health problems(she does, she looks awful--its just a long list and my WH's brother is suffering from liver cancer, that is the biggest reason she is stressed) and so I lost that Parent battle I think..

I grew up in a very abusive household with alcoholics...i have suffered verbal,sexual, mental, physical abuse from the time i was age 8 thru 17 yrs old by my step father... i became deaf-quickly while in high school....learned to lip-read and fight the principal that I was not suddenly dumb with my sudden inexplicable deafness... I graduated high school and 4yrs college reading lips (this is a big big thing to accomplish) I had 2 serious relationships of about 3 yrs each and left one because the love was gone and the other both because he treated me like sh8t and i didn't take it. i was alone happily for bout 1 year and met WH--been together 8 yrs, married 4.

my WH grew up in a very sheltered family at residential school from age 3 to 18yrs old(stay there 5 days a week and go home to parents on the weekends) WH has never seen his parents argue or solve a conflict, his mother screamed when WH or siblings needed discipline and father ALWAYS stayed silent. and then WH went to residential college and has only had 3 or 4 brief on/off relationships... before he met me... my WH has no coping skills, he has very weak problem solving skills, he tends to 'escape' to ebay to focus on his MASSIVE baseball card collection( I'm talking like 100-150 boxes of cards spread out in 2 rooms of my home.... he is VERY independent ( I feel like he could really be alone and suffice on masturbation...and we haven't made love often (last time, i think maybe once and I can't remma when maybe within 6 weeks ago) even before EA DDay because as he states it "our communication isn't smooth so i'm not comfortable to make love"... we have basically been having marriage problems for about 2 years... since I bought the house we live in... I know now because of the 2 EA before this one that we never solved our marital issues and its been one long....what?? argument??

i will make protein powder shakes for nutrition...shake

I have looked and found about 5 people that know both WH and OW and they love gossip. Will that 'count' as work exposure for now... They are all on facebook and all work at the same place???

I am privately considering going to a supervisor of both OW and WH that I trust and know will not ignore this. my HR department is fishy and cant be trusted--trust me as management personnel(i've seen things....) and I feel WH will listen to that supervisor in particular because he respects her as she helped him get thru a traumatic experience at work. he witnessed a staff hit a child and he reported it and participated in investigation...the child services could not find other evidence against him and therefore that horrible staff came back to work. this supervisor explained it in a way that help WH NOT QUIT HIS JOB. and thanks be to god as he is deaf(I am too) and economy is bad enough these days for hearing people to get ANY job... *see above about WH lack of coping skills** I mean he hold things inside for like 3 months then tells me when hes upset.. he literally held inside himself not saying very much about witnessing the trauma of the child...until that staff unexpectedly reported to work... he flipped, quit his job (verbally) and cried with this supervisor,eventually retarcted his verbal resignation and stayed working,,,he trust/respects her... i think it make more impact to have her confront them than director of HR....