ok WH came home and( I couldn't think straight with all of the concepts, plan a, plan b, use stick not carrot...)but basically I said this is my home my safe place and you don't belong here because you ruin my safety and i must be safe in my own home...he said this OUR home and I said no because you hurt me you cant stay unless you agree not to hurt me no more...its MY home right now and I'm making it safe place to be...

i think i messed this up according to MB peeps I am sure I mixed my apples and oranges but i looked into myself and i found what I can live with and i found strength and I said "if you stay here you must meet following conditions":


1. Wh to write NC letter to OW that I will mail,

2. you cannot have a pager for a very long time

3. you must speak to me with respect, no insults,no mocking, be calm...if you need to leave to have cig to calm yourself--do so and I will do same.

4. you must attend at least 5 session with me and Dr Harley, you will pay for half of each session (we have always had separate finances, separate accounts, because his parents taught him that way)

5. you must wear your wedding ring every hour of everyday from now on --never remove it (wore it 30days to honor me and then took it off--it bthered him and he always played with it....)

6. you must find another job


Then....

he said too harsh, I want negotiate how can i contact my family, etc, i said you must agree conditions I will not discuss specifics until you agree..period.
(note: he didn't use any other way to contact me or anyone else, he has hotmail for example and was so freaked out I took his pager, he couldn't remember my pager address and like I was gambling he couldn't remember OW's email address too)

i said you should thought before you have affair...
your affair destroy me
it destroy my heart
it destroy our marriage
it destroy my respect for you

and it destroy your job
because of your choice to have workplace affair...

and hes struggling very very very very hard and said want negotiate (what if cant find job, how will contact family, how to afford our heat with no job)
And I point an dnod at out front door and i said theres the door
he said i dont care about OW, its the job...

i said no negotiations. accept conditions or leave--the door is open.

you will not remain here unless you agree to conditions.

i also said he could easily go to OW's place and have easy life if it too hard here. I said 'don't agree and waste my time, agree because you mean it, this is home that will be a safe place from now on'

I simply couldnt remember everything from all of concepts and this what I came up with....

have to go he returns from smoking now...

OW very pissed from initial exposure email I included her 'best friend' (who was my roommate here for a while) he intended to reply to me and he mistakenly sent response to OW, She is LIVID.

##she livid because I think her best friend 'tattled' on her and started telling me things...and i know she livid from my exposure email too.. however OW best friend has not attempted to re-contact me and according to WH (WH's bro in law reports this OW did not contact speak to WH, she spoke to WH's bro in law) has spent numerous hours on VP apologizing to OW for his 'mistake as he intended to reply to me BS not her OW'.... her 'best friend' and my former roommate is VERY GOSSIPY and he became attached to us I think and thats what i believe his response was--a betrayal of her feelings for WH to me...

WH is challenging me on 'WHEN' he must leave his job and I'm struggling... I'm 24 hours awake and barely eaten anything... I feel maybe we should go to sleep..I told him the condition is he must leave the job that WHEN he leaves is not important (trying to figure out a plan to observe them in a time that I can...) until he leaves the job--like for example the OW and WH work together to observe students during dinner time and I could probably 'casually' show up and eat there every night until he leaves the job... he doesnt know i am thinking of this...

anyway only other time i wouldnt be able to provide supervision of him is during activity time for the students... but by the time i talk to his superviser that element should be 'on fire' and hot with eyes on them....

i forgot --during the time i gave him conditions---that he said I am copying Fainne and her WH's 'approach' by forcing my WH write letter and leave job. (WH remembers me talking with him about Fainne's WH and consequences and look where he is now....)

i have update--WH came to me after a cig break outdoors he went bathroom then bedroom and change into PJ's and he said 'we need to go to bed now" I said I cannot have you stay here until I have your answer... and he made a gesture i saw as surrender but not officially spoken... odd
i said please sit here and tell me your response to my conditions.
he sat down and he said i will agree to all your conditions because I want to save our marriage."
I said "wow..." and then I said where do you deserve to sleep? he said I know that I don't deserve to sleep with you but I leave it up to you...
i said "i am not sure right now, you can join me tonight in bed and tmrw we will wake and maybe discuss again if that was right choice, ok with you? yes he says.
then we hugged and he said pleas eyou need rest... I said I will be in in a minute.

oh my stars...i thought he was going to flee... the hardest hell of a challenge in my whole life is ahead of me...

Hang in there Plex. You did the right things. Get some sleep and BTW. What happened with the mistaken email responses was the outcome of the affair, not your fault. He put you in that position.
I take it you work at a school for the deaf, not that it matters its just something that I picked up on.

The exposure is what tells the world that you love your Husband and have not given up on his ability to tell right from wrong. We all make mistakes and are weak untill we are forced to be strong. Its just the way it is. I agree with Melody that resentment might be a big problem in the future but the hope is that your husband finally sees the light and fights to be the Man he could be. Then he should kiss your feet till you trust him again.
The people here and more importantly Dr Harley can help him grow up if he wants to. This doesn't have anything to do with his parents marriage or his past bad habits other than he needs to come clean and hold himself to a higher power. God if you will.
Demand the best from him or you will get less than that. Its your right and truthfully, you will be doing him a favor by making him straighten up.
I feel that you need to take the infidelity issue to someone im magagement higher on the totem pole than you who has integrity and stands for it. You will also be doing the school(?) a favor. If this seems to be an issue you feel you need to cover up then what other things are you allowing to slide by? The people you manage deserve to have the best care right? You are very brave so show them not to live in fear of the truth..right? Am I stating something tangible here?
I understand that what you do has everything to do with proper communication. Take your time, don't panic, you know what that does.
The people here will be the best friends in this you can find.

Get some rest, meditate yourself to sleep on a good thought. Do not be afraid.
Get some rest

Tommorrows another day and it will get better now

Plexle,

I hope you get some sleep today!

Page me when you wake up. I have a few ideas for you to think about.

Please reread everything and let it sink in! Marinate in your mind for a bit. Don't let WH distract you.

(((Plexle)))

Wow! Great job!

Swift, strong, serious. Got it!

I am up.

Just got confirmation appointment from Dr Harley for our first session--Monday 10:30 my time.

I got love bank inventory...why are the questions asked with _________? I'm supposed to pick a name to insert in each one?

recall that we are both deaf and on data only pager service plans.

I need help now from you MB peeps to discuss a strategy regarding the pager issue since he put a password lock on it.I have hidden the pager. I would like him to be able to contact his family for support right now, I spoke with his oldest brother in depth last night for example and I would love for WH to be able to hear things from his brother... but as you can see I am leery...

I was trying to install keylogger at 6am while he was sleeping and got too confused from lack of sleep because I heard theres a free download and somehow no matter where I looked there was a 'need to buy' option, then I clicked onto a link and its started asking me for delivery address and I freaked out, so I gave up and went to bed.

He has a hotmail account that I know the password to, I was thinking to ask him who of family and friends he wants to contact and then give him the email addresses he needs and let him use the hotmail account for that... I don't know if he realizes that I still know his password on that account.

i was thinking that he has to create a new account like gmail that we both can enter with a password that he can use for now...
but since has hotmail account (due to his ebay relationships that is primary reason he has a hotmail account) maybe I should just "quietly' monitor that account??

At some point I could offer email addresses of his family or friends so he can contact them? the fact that I have his pager I now hold ALL contact information with ALL people and since its locked, and not sure how to go about this now, I was thinking I will need to try to go to my service provider as its owner and account manager (its totally under my name)and tell them to remove the lock and view the messages privately or I should have him give me pass word and view all messages on it together?

please note a large majority of the emails is going to be post-exposure comments questions...

please note, the pager is how he communicates with his boss working with troubled children who like to run away for example when they get angry, that info is on there too..

please note, I am actually concerned about WH having vehicle problems as he drives a very old vehicle that is bound to have problems (trying to save money to buy a good used car) that vehicle is old and has no heat, having a pager saves him form certain frostbite, we are in new england it is VERY COLD here...

The commute to work from home is not so long for him--he endures the commute without heat but if he should get hurt or break down due to engine failure...he would need a way to contact right?? i am concerned, he doesn't even have my pager address memorized, when I took is pager he literally had no way to contact me except thru phone and thats only because I called home from work while he was home alone post EA discovery...and he was ignoring me...obviously conversing with OW on same pager...

First, did he give you the password to the phone? This is a big if he is refusing. Have you shown him the Requirements for Recovery from this website? That requires him to be radically honest and 100% transparent (to not hide anything from you). Maybe you could print it out and show it to him. If he does not agree to this and will not give you the password, I would not take him seriously and I would consider Plan B.

The only way I would allow him to have the pager is if he agrees to only use it for work, family and ONLY male friends AND you can get flexispy on there. I would take any unnecessary/untraceable chat features such as AIM off. Did you contact Flexispy to see if their Blackberry package will cover all the bases? It says on their website they have a 100% guarantee, they will return your money if it won't work for you.

Lastly regarding work, they can't work together without endangering the M. If you are going to let him continue for a short time while he is looking for another job, then at the very least it needs to be exposed at work so that there will be many eyes on them at all times.

Susie--no i have not brought up the pager or password issue to him. i have hidden it, and I am asking for advice how to go about that issue here.... I want all the facts or suggestions or words of advice... before I broach the subject...

Simply remain CALM and DETERMINED as you were last night. He will either COMPLY with your boundaries, or he will leave.

Period.

Do NOT cave in now; it will only teach him to run you over.

Tell him as soon as he has met your conditions, he can have his pager back.

i think I need keylogger and flexi-spy info. WH has been sent to store and will be gone for an hour...or so... remember I need flexi-spy on a blackberry that is currently locked as I have not brought up the subject yet...

Since he woke, WH is acting...restless, sad/mad/hurt/depressed/agreeable/looks ill with paleness... we made a list together as we both havent been eating, eventually he offered a favorite food to get for dinner- so I wrote and gave WH a list of things we need from several stores and he agreed to go... Iasked if he was comfortable in us having a hug and he gave me a nice one. however, for the first time in YEARS he did not kiss me goodbye nor give me the standard "i love you" wave in ASL.

In the past WH always said kissing me goodbye was sign of his love....I explained it was a habit not a sign of love and here we are now...

I understand he is going thru withdrawal and shock and he can't quite think straight...

I need you understand he isn't asking me for the pager... i am trying to get advice on what to do with that particular aspect so i can be prepared..

its only me thinking of that pager and its me thinking of the exposure he needs to get... i thought exposure worked because it shamed him...he hasn't gotten full exposure correspondence because i took the pager. i sent exposure email late night Wednesday and many responded immediately but a few key players didn't until yesterday morning...when I had the pager...

i have succeed in downloading keylogger to his computer

Is there anyone you can contact who can help you install the keylogger? I have no clue how to do that stuff, or I'd help.