i am tempted to change the password on hotmail but since i installed keylogger i will not do that....

i know i can check keylogger later.

i feel like im dying and myheart is living in my throat.

Plexle asked me to post this for her as she's getting ready for school...

She went into WH's hotmail and didn't find OW's email address there, but she did find an ex-girlfriend's email address... This might be the person WH was emailing to saying not to email him...

She has seen online conversations between WH and this xGF before and didn't see anything there, but it's possible WH may have deleted the 'bad conversations'.

I advised her to keep quietly snooping, but lock her laptop so as to force WH to resort to using the home computer.

Good advice.

Tell her to print out all the exchanges, and give them to you for safekeeping. She'll have proof to confront him if she needs it. And if he refuses to change, she may need them as proof in court.

Has your H committed to counseling?

Does Dr NE know how to save marriages? It doesn't matter which approach your H likes better, what matters is the effectiveness of the approach. Most marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages, much less understand the dynamics of adultery. This is why MB stands out from all the rest. Marriage counselors have an 84% FAILURE RATE and have a higher divorce rate than the general population.

It seems to me that going to counselors just to go to counselors is going to cause you more harm than good if you are trying to work TWO plans that might very well conflict.

still reading and catching up...

Plexie, when you get on, can you describe what exposures have been done so far?

Plexie, I need you to go back and read my posts about exposures that you shot down. It is my opinion that this is hopeless if you don�t expose this affair everywhere. ESPECIALLY at work. He is having his affair at work, and this needs to be exposed in a very official way to the top levels. Having his supervisor �talk to him� will be a waste of time. Nor can your H ever work with the OW AGAIN. That means NOW. It doesn�t matter if someone is watching, he will still be triggered.

I would also add that your workplace has a serious problem with affairs that needs to be addressed at the highest levels. Affairs cause horrendous problems in the workplace and your company needs to do something to control that environment.

I would be asking your husband to quit his job NOW. Can you support him while he finds another job? At the very least, HR should be making darn sure that the OW and your H never work on the same shift in the same building until he is GONE.

It also needs to be exposed to his parents unless his mother is on her death bed. What about his father? I agree your parents don�t need to be notified if you don�t think they will support you, but your childhood and all that have nothing to do with it. I had a much worse childhood than yours but that is irrelevant to my adult life.

Facebook exposures to the friends of the OW and the WS are extremely effective.

Also, I would give your H back his pager and stop fighting over it. What good does it do to take his pager if he going to see the OW at work anyway? Ask him for the password and explain to him that withholding the password clearly indicates that he is hiding his affair and you will proceed on that basis.

But don�t get stuck on fighting over the pager. That is trivial. It just makes you look bad in his eyes and does nothing to solve the problem. Getting the pager won't stop the affair and it is a distraction from killing the affair. Focus instead on getting him out of the workplace and away from the OW.

Im more awake now to you,and your advice, Melody. Thank you.

Now my questions:

my concern is getting flexispy on pager before i give it back since he locked it and i cant get in unless i go to service provider...which is better? him giving password or me breaking in and installing flexispy which i havent found out yet if it will work on all of the blackberry features?? any tech experts here? help?!


Melody one more question: you said "clearly indicates he is hiding the affair and you will proceed on that basis." that means calling police and having him removed? He will not willingly leave....

I see all your points.

My gut says I think its not good to give him yet if i can't install spyware on pager, and know what is REALLY happening.

I would love to hear form you once more on this and the spyware for the pager position of this post.

because I can monitor him using the computer with keylogger, I like that he's forced to use that alone for now...

I was thinking to also ask Dr Harley about the pager on Monday morning.... But i'm very open to digesting analyazing an approach for pager thing with you Melody.

Plexie, just give him the pager. You can just assume the affair is ON because he will see the OW when he goes to work. I mean, you don't have to spy to find out what you already know, right? I would ask him for the password and to unlock it and be transparent, but if he doesnt, I wouldn't quibble over that. That is a distraction from ending the affair.


Oh no. I would not do this at all. You KNOW he is in the affair. He still works with her, right? That is a continuation of the affair.

I would work on exposing the affair and trying to end it that way. Getting his pager will not stop the affair if he goes to work every day and sees his lover. Stop the affair FIRST and then worry about the pager.

One thing, I made it a condition he wouldn't have the pager for a long time--does it make me look 'weak' that I'm giving it back? Do I still install spyware? He hasnt sent NC letter so I guess I am starting to see where you are at Melody... There's not point and definetly some post-exposure commentary on the pager, right?

Help me modify my condition so I don't look weak... Or my condition becomes permanent once nC letter is given and he leaves his job. right?

I totally see your point, he will see her on Monday and hopefully I will have a very good email exposure letter of notification to the director of HR by the time he's on duty. And MASS exposure via FB. I need to tae care of my homework for college class tmrw, and I should probably go to sleep--about 3 hours a day since Dday.... I need to take care of me and my assignments right? Focus on me and set a goal of total exposure by early Monday morning before Dr Harley.

Give him pager back and let that go... and start eating and sleeping and ding for me with calm demeanor.

You got it! Just say I am giving you the pager back, sorry for taking it. I would feel safer if you would give me the password and let me check it, though. Ask him to end his affair by sending the OW a no contact letter and quitting his job.

See what he says.

But don't get into any fight with him or make any threats. Be polite, calm and kind. See if he will do what you ask. [I doubt he will right now or he will give you a load of excuses]

And then on Monday, launch the nuke by exposing to the workplace, [deliver letter] his parents,[phone call] the OWs parents,[facebook or phone call] facebook friends, etc.[emails] Start thinking about the best exposure targets. Perhaps do all of these exposures tomorrow night and then deliver the letters to workplace on Monday.

And go get some sleep, Plexie! No matter what, this will turn out ok, I promise. {{{{{{{{{{{Plexie}}}}}}}}}}]

Ask him if he will send this letter to the OW.

here



[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

p.s. no fighting! And don't attack him, ok!? You will completely throw him off and surprise him if you treat him NICELY.

And every ugly word out of your mouth makes that SKANKHO at work look good. [she is not yelling at him!] And we ain't on her side here!

Melody, she won't expose at work.

Cat I am going to expose at work. I am not confident he will NOT quit until HR knows.

Do I sound insane? I'm fighting mad and ready to kick him out, because I know he's going to resort to bad behavior and keep things from me on that locked pager...
And I have no faith he will quit his job.... I have no faith in him...none...just a busload of love that I feel is dying....

He has things he can sell--his ebay addiction may pay off finally!!! and a little money saved but honestly no i cant support him (my plan was to get roommates immediately upon his departure to pay what I cannot pay. Also, as a person who works vocationally if he leaves his job before 2 weeks notice he WILL ruin his chances of getting another job and finding a good one, especially in this economy and with his deafness. I had a plan about being 'around' during dinner times during those 2 weeks at the school so there would be no chance of them speaking--at work--but now that I am about to give his pager back and nicely ask him to share andddd give me the password, but, he's going to think he's 'won' and refuse to share :o( he says his friends have passwords his friends are married and those friends are not who he talks to when marital conflicts arises...

i sent him to the store in hopes Melody would read this but I am following her advcie--ALL OF IT! NUCEAR EXPSOURE by the time he reports for duty and before Dr Harley gets ahold of him.

Melody as WH was raised in deaf culture--and based on my research in deaf culture in its being blunt with feelings, actions, thoughts etc--no etiquette basically in comparision to hearing culture... its WIDELY beleived that an affair isn't an affair UNLESS its PHYSICAL.

As a result of his 'culture' my marriage may not stand a chance after all... BECAUSE people will think 'talk is nothing, touch is everything'...

Ironically, if he did PA I wouldn't be here today and even though I know EA is worse.

Thanks for listening and letting me vent so I can play nice-nice when WH gets home.

Hugs to all of you MB peeps!!!!!

my paycheck pays our mortgage he pays all the other bills ( small in comparision). supporting him is not an option though because I have credit balance up to my ears... and i need to start 'saving' for a car secretly because the car is in HIS name even though I paid it off...

i checked keylogger and he came home so I had to shut it before understanding full but I saw things like "it not working and I can pay you back as soon as I set up computer at friend house'

something like that...

I think now that that my heart has stopped pounding maybe i'm better off just having WH leave..... so whatever plan he has, it will be messed up and disorient him.

wait, my emotions are driving my boat.... oh man...

plexie, stick to the plan. Maybe he cant quit his job right away but he can agree to look for something else and make arrangements to stay away from the OW until he leaves.


Don't get hung up on the pager, plexie! Getting his pager will not the end the affair, it will just cause fights! You have more important work to do, like work on ending the affair!

Stick to the plan. Your emotions are your enemy. Put them aside.
Stick to the plan. Your emotions are your enemy. Put them aside.
Stick to the plan. Your emotions are your enemy. Put them aside.
Stick to the plan. Your emotions are your enemy. Put them aside.
Stick to the plan. Your emotions are your enemy. Put them aside.