Your position should be, when you are ready to return to the family, you will (probably) have a place here, and you will then again have access to the family money.

Hi Mfoss...

What is your timeline for Plan B?

I have not set one, and I think that is a problem. I have been thinking about that.

I feel it impairs my Plan A a bit, in that I do not have a hard deadline to meet. I am going to go read Plan B stuff now.

Suggestions, links, constructive criticism and support all on Plan B issues welcomed!

I am finding lots of good info in old threads, but I am struggling to fond specific advice on how far out/when my Plan B date should be. The books do not seem to cover this either. Ideas?

I believe it's a matter of 6 months for a BH, on average, before he needs to drop Plan A and go to B; 6 weeks for a BW.

Or do I have that backwards?

Hey all - just a quick note to say that I have been clear about not supporting her getting the sublet. AFAIK, it looks like someone else rented it this evening. So, we shall see what is next, but that is where things are at. I spent a lot of time today working out my position, and I thank you all for your help last night in guiding me.

I am still looking for more guidance on what Plan B is, and how I should come up with a date for that. In the meantime, Plan A hard.

Mfoss, a "soft" answer to a hard question.

Plan B, like Plan A, has two components to it. But they only need one action on your part. Or perhaps it's more correct to say one "inaction."

Plan B is about separating yourself from your WW. It means SHE moves out -- you stay. When she goes, you hand her a letter. This letter is a 'love letter,' although it's rarely seen that way. It states that you must separate from the WS because you can no longer have the current conditions deplete the love you once had for her. It states the policy of NO CONTACT. She is not to try to contact you and you are not to contact her. This means not even asking others about her. If any communication is necessary, it is to be done through an intermediary OF YOUR CHOOSING, not hers.

The letter goes on to say that this is how it's going to be as long as OM is in the picture. The only way "back" to any hope for your relationship is through a break-off with the OM with PERMANENT NO CONTACT WITH HIM. She will write a letter that you will edit, approve and mail. She will also agree to a variety of conditions including but not limited to: Polygrahp testing. STD testing. Full transparency (passwords, bank accounts, etc.). Full compensation (answers to your questions regarding the A). And so on.

The two purposes served by Plan B are (1) to provoke the WW into having all EN met by OM. This rarely works, because the A is not based in reality. And once the reality of having all EN met by the OM sets in, they rarely are. This, coupled with the exposure done in Plan A, set the wheels in motion to kill the affair, and (2) to get you used to life without WW. Because if the A does not die, or if the WW does not have it within her to return, YOU get to heal by also knowing what life is like without her.

I know this is a pretty much oversimplified explanation, but that's the essence of it. Plan A sets up Plan B. If Plan A has been worked to "perfection," Plan B then works to force the issue. From Plan B comes recovery. Either the recovery of the marriage, or your personal recovery moving forward without it.

Thanks Fred. Very helpful.

I would appreciate any links to good threads, posts, books or further general info on plan B.

Currently, my situation is that I have ended the OM relationship that was the catalyst for her telling me she was leaving me. I have seen her resulting depression. I know it is a risk to "come back", although I feel I have suitably exposed OM to the point where he will not engage with her. But I remain ready for that.

However, WW does seem to be seeking out other OM, and while not having much success as far as I can tell, it is an active initiative for her. Fortunately, the advice I have received here has helped me to make sure I am not enabling this activity. I am being real clear that this is NOT acceptable to me in ANY way, and I getting better at being clear yet not "crazy" about expressing this. I have a lot of bad habits in terms of being passive aggressive in this department, and I am growing better at being honest and direct, without being hurtful.

I keep getting better at really understanding Plan A, and taking action to support the objective of breaking my bad habits and meeting the ENs I have neglected, while not being a doormat. With no expectations. It can be tough!

One of the best things I have been able able to apply to my personal situation has come from my professional life, not to become too confident or happy when I do something right, and not to feel too horrible when I screw up. Slow and steady wins the race.

Still learning every day. Advice, counsel and guidance welcomed!

Mfoss, here is a link to Dr. Harley's article on What are Plan A and Plan B. Plan B is also discussed in Surviving an Affair (the book). There are a lot of people like MelodyLane, PepperBand, and more who can describe Plan B in great detail.

It sounds like your Plan A has worked better than most, in that it has broken the affair. But your wife is still wayward. This is not surprising actually, because she is still actively addicted, so she is looking for the "fix," whether with the original OM or another. I know this has to be incredibly hard, but this is the time to Plan A your butt off! Try to keep in mind that you are making deposits in her LB$ even if she isn't aware of it.

But because of the emotional toll this takes on you, Plan B should be waiting in the wings.

I went into Plan B almost from the beginning. I had already contacted an attorney and gotten my wife's signature agreement on a separation and property settlement. So I was protected from any future attempts by her to wrest money or property from me. I advise you to look at protecting yourself, too. You probably don't need your wife's signature if you go to an attorney NOT seeking a "no fault" divorce. And keep in mind, filing doesn't mean you're getting a divorce. It just means you've put that option on the table.

How you have her leave is entirely up to you. I've heard some people say that they packed a suitcase and left it on the front porch. Others have calmly but deliberately stated their wish to have WS leave as a boundary violation. However it works for you, the pi�ce de r�sistance is the Plan B letter you HAND TO HER right as she's leaving.

It isn't rocket science, but simply a Plan. You put the pieces together in a way that works best for your situation and then execute. It can be immediate (the suitcase on the porch) or it can be scheduled ("Because I can no longer suffer the abuse at your hands, I expect you to leave next Tuesday. Please start packing and prepare to leave then"). The leaving is one thing, the letter is the other. The IM is your link, and then you disappear into a black hole. It's really that simple.

You have got to do a good plan A now while monitoring for wayward behavior.

I would appreciate further guidance on this! I feel having a date will help me Plan A, knowing that there is a deadline. Thanks!

Harley has recommended six months at the most. With the warning that you only do so as long as one can handle it. Usually the stress of doing a plan A takes it's toll harder on women. Thus women are told it is OK to stop sooner.

Hi all -

I need your help.

I have been plan A'ing as best I can, however I found out this AM that there is a new OM, and that is has been physical. Obviously, this is quite devastating to me, although I can not say I am totally surprised given my WW fog, and having read lots of stories of relapse here.

So, I am trying to figure out what to do next. Having some experience, I feel better prepared to do whatever is needed this time.

Here are my questions:

- I may have to reveal a snooping device in order to expose, I would like to avoid doing this, thoughts on the balance
- I feel I can challenge her and get her to confess, this will avoid exposing my snooping, but might hurt exposure activities, should I challenge her?
- I assume I need to kill this relationship, and that exposure is going to be part of my approach, I need not concern myself with any impact to my plan A, as I have a bigger problem, right?
- how wide and thorough should my exposure be? I am guessing our kids, OM, close friends etc... thoughts welcome

It is going to be a busy couple of days. Your advice and support are welcome.

Ok, that would be a deal breaker for me fossy.

I could handle one OM, but now another one???

Others might say that another round of exposure is in order..

If it was me, I would plan B, or plan FU.

I could deal with my WW making bad choices once, but repeating that mistake ....uh uh!

Is it possible this new OM is just a way to get you to give up?

Expose to everyone who has ANY influence of ANY SORT on your WW and her OM!

You are d@mn right that you need to expose more.

Don't prod her about the truth, just expose. You have a better chance of meeting a 6 foot tall Yoda than getting the truth out of her the first time you ask for it.

Yeah, it really sucks. We may end up in Plan B, or Plan FU, but for now I am staying in the game and fighting. I have have read enough success stories where there are relapses to make me believe I still have a chance. But, I plan to be consistent and strong, and not become a doormat. And follow the counsel I get here!

Yeah, there has already been a lot of dishonesty on this event. So, do I give up my access to info if I am challenged to prove it?

I have also been thinking I could refuse to give proof, other than "I know through a friend, I will provide proof in court if necessary. Also, confronting OM may give me proof from another source.

The truth is, the list of people who have influence on my wife is getting smaller, as she is ostracizing many who condone her behaviour. Makes it easier for me I guess, a shorter list.

You tell her you know. DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCES. It's enough for you to tell her you know.

Never reveal your sources.

You don't have to prove what you know.

Full force exposure. Everyone connected to WW and to the OM.

Must expose to the kids. This is very important.

Cool, thanks guys. That makes sense.

Kids are definitely getting the exposure, as much as that sucks, it is the right thing to do. Last time I exposed to the kids, she never really found out, as they kept quiet about it. This time, I will do a better job.

I am trying to plan a "perfect exposure" (although I concede there is no such thing). My sense is to take 48 hours to get organized (and track down OM, his employer, etc...) and then unleash. I feel the element of surprise and total (or more full) coverage are worth waiting a small amount of time for, agree?