Like a tar-covered black panther in the deepest part of the jungle on a moonless night!

I met with our therapist tonight and she was really proud of the steps I had taken. She feels my WW is potentially borderline bipolar disorder II, but she wasn't able to see her long enough to make the call. She warned me that WW is running from all of her life's problems and she feels WW will not hit rock bottom for a very long time - a decade or more - because she is extremely attractive and has countless guys who she can use for support.

In the meantime, I FIXED my computer tonight and I'm attending a party my apartment complex is throwing tomorrow night.

As for the locks - WW is on the lease and the locks can be changed, but she can go into the office and ask for a key and they cannot legally prohibit entry - they would have to give her a key. If papers are filed, I MAY be able to get her removed. Otherwise, the lease is up in May...

Change the locks. Make sure you tell ALL the people in the office there why you are doing it, and tell them that you would appreciate any help they can give you to (1) give her a hard time if she comes for a key (as in 'oh, YOU'RE that woman...;) and (2) make it hard for her to get the key ('oh, there isn't a second one; we'll have to go to Home Depot to get new keys made; come back in a couple days, ok?')

Doesn't really matter cat. She will call a lock smith if she has to and they cannot deny her entry.
How do you think I searched XH car while he was on a "trip" and he took the only key we had?

Actually, SIHW, it is an effective, albeit tiny, extra step in the shakeup of WW. Every little incident that shows her life will not be pleasant as a wayward is worth the effort. And if she has to face said women as they judge her...well, sorry, but that can have an effect.

Oh I am not saying it won't have an effect....what I am saying not matter if he changes the locks or not. Once the "effect" hits then will come the angry stubborness of..."you can't tell me what to do..my name is on the lease and I am getting in one way or another"

Remeber he is dealng with someone who is most likely Bi-polar.

Waynerds tend to do stupid things when they can't get what they want and they know they have a legal right to do it. Especially when they have mental issues.

One week of Plan B is down. Sadness seems to be replaced with anger.

Oh, I so get that!

BinLA, I hate to break this to you, but it's going to get worse before it gets better. I'm only a few weeks ahead of you, and I can tell you the emotional rollercoaster is far from over.

This is what works for me: Stay busy. I find the worst times are when I'm lying in bed (see my signature for my thread title). It doesn't really matter what I'm doing, as long as I'm doing something. I also find it helps to surround myself with caring people who don't let me simmer in my stuff.

I find this site a mixed blessing. Sometimes I come on here and just need to post. Even if it's nothing, just venting seems to help. At other times, I get depressed reading all the stories of people in the same (or usually worse) condition. I have to temper that, somehow.

But I think the bottom line is that these feelings are natural and expected. One of my character flaws is that I tend to stuff my feelings, and coming here helps me get in contact with them and identify them. This is how we grow through this.

Keep coming back, BinLA. We are your "support group." We'll listen to you, and many will hug you when you need a hug (OK, it's virtual, but get over it). Together we can get through this. Alone, we're sunk.

Thanks for the support Fred. I'm also seeing "our" therapist who assures me my marriage's problems are largely a part of my wife's dysfunctions and deception. Logically, I know I shouldn't miss her after how she lied to me for YEARS about more things than just the affairs, but emotionally - well, you know.

Getting out has been the key! I'm out of town with family and that's really helpful!! I've built a profile on meetup.com and am going out doing things like sea kayaking, beachside bonfires, and movies with dinner discussions afterward. It all helps.

You know what else is wonderful? Volunteering. This is a great time of year to find some place to volunteer.

Betrayed

Have you considered having a session with Dr. Harley? Sounds like your current counselor is making excuses for WW...???

Did you read SAA? Think about contacting Dr. Harley...

Merry Christmas.

No, I haven't. Our counselor is very concerned for WW because she is not attending therapy anymore and C feels WW desperately needs it. C advised WW to end contact with OM and that's when she claimed she was "too busy" to attend and "the therapist wasn't doing any good anyway".




I've read it. And I followed the Plan A advice well enough that WW came back home "because it was safe", but the a-hole OM just WOULD NOT stop calling. Unfortunately, our problems are exacerbated by WW's ACA and love addiction and she has found the DRAMA she craves from an "Emotional Avoidant" and believes it is her lot in life to fix him.

I have fought so long, so hard and been so brutally emotionally abused by her that I've lost my will to fight. To make matters worse, I've spent so much time and energy fixing myself that WW had the gall to say, "you're just not f***ed up enough for me". I mean, how do you respond to that?!?

I'm resting over the holiday helping my parents with little projects around their house that are keeping me from thinking about her and our situation. I may be able to find renewed fight in me in 2010. But for right now, I really need the rest this trip is affording me.

If you do decide to fight (though I'm not sure I want you to), make your first step making a visit to POS OM.

The POS OM confronted me about two weeks ago when I exposed their affair to his family. Our conversation was illuminating, to say the least. In fact, what I learned from listening to him is one reason I've lost some of my fight. While he made every effort in his pea-brain to judge ME for fighting for my marriage, his statements revealed to me that she has told him a LOT of lies about me/our marriage in order for him to fall into the rescuer role of a codependency triangle. While we were on the phone, I exposed three of her lies and attempted to cite irrefutable evidence although I know better than to underestimate the power of denial of these two addicts.

I feel sorry for her.

Two weeks and two days into Plan B and while I was away from home visiting family, I felt sorry for myself. My family was really supportive!!!

Now that I'm back home, I'm faced with all of the things that remind me of her and keep finding myself angry as hell! When I find a reminder of her, I do what I can to deal with it. Sometimes that means throwing it away - other times it means hiding it away in a box.

What's REALLY interesting in all of this is that we had sat down over a month ago and started filling out online information for D. While we did it, I told her that I disagreed with what she was doing - I told her it was a mistake - but that I was going to support her no matter what. Well, we filled in all of my information and she only needs to enter info about her credit card debt. A month has passed and she has not done anything with the filing. Huh!

It's been a month of no contact and I'm really feeling better about letting go. I booked a trip to Russia today. I'm planning a December '10 trek to Machu Picchu with the same buddy traveling to Russia with me.

WW seems to be moving forward with D... and I'm okay with it. The attorney called me for info and I provided it... without emotion.

Strangely, I don't feel defeated. It's really weird... I feel liberated. I do feel sorry for her. I realize she's running from a lot of problems. But I also realize it is not up to me to save her.

{{{betrayed}}}

I think you'll be amazed at all the wonderful women out there just dying to find someone as good as you. Who'll make you feel as cherished as you deserve.

I was amazed the other day that after a meeting a woman who has been coming for about 18 months and with whom I've never spoken before came up to me after and told me how good I was looking.



Don't get me wrong -- I was flattered by the comment and the attention. I was very emotional about my sitch a few weeks ago in this meeting. But I'm still married and I'm not in any way, shape or form ready to start anything with anybody.

But I have to admit that cat's observation seems to be right on target. Perhaps in a few months...

I believe Cat's observation is spot on. I also think that's one reason I don't feel defeated.

Before I met my WW, I was a very gregarious, outgoing individual. I would approach gorgeous women most men were afraid to look at for fear of being caught staring. Since I have stopped feeling sorry for myself, I feel my old self returning. Living in SoCal means no shortage of amazingly beautiful women. But like Fred said, it's not quite yet time and I too am still married. And, "amazingly beautiful" does not necessarily equate to amazing, as this marriage/experience has painfully taught me.

In the spirit of getting on with my life AND to solve the problem with the WW being on the lease/having legal access to the apartment, I worked with my apartment complex to upgrade my apartment and take on a roommate. He and I are getting a 2BR/2BA apt., my monthly rent burden is going to be almost HALF of what it is now, February is free (bonus!), and the apartment complex contacted the WW telling her she was in violation of the lease, but they'd release her with a signature.

Solutions to problems eventually present themselves as long as we patiently pursue them.

It has been six weeks since I instituted Plan B. In those six weeks, I have not contacted WW, at all.

But, I don�t feel I have been COMPLETELY dark:
My apartment complex contacted WW to get her to sign paperwork to remove her name from the lease.
As previously mentioned, she started filling in online forms for D. The service contacted me for addl. information and I supplied it.
I deactivated her AMEX card.
I closed our joint checking account.

Besides that, she is unaware of any aspect of my life; I have not contacted her directly. I haven�t even asked my IM to convey a message.

WW BROKE THE AGREEMENT TODAY AND CONTACTED ME.

A couple of weeks ago, to explain why her signature was needed to terminate the lease, my apartment complex informed her I was moving within the complex. Tuesday, she sent an e-mail to my leasing agent asking for my new address. The leasing agent asked me if I wanted her to share it and I asked her to reply �legally, we cannot supply private information about our tenants.� She did that. Today, WW sent ME an e-mail asking me for my new address.

I believe the rules of Plan B are that I simply ignore the e-mail.

I welcome your comments.