|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67 |
ok, so I hid the recorder in his car, I herd him ask this OW how much she loves him and does she want to marry him. She is his employee, she has requested a transfer to a different store so that he can keep his job. He is still denying everything and I point blank asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said no. He has really been working on getting things down around the house and I am guessing that he is doing this so he will not feel guilty when he leaves.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67 |
I have not yet confronted him about the tape. I am still in love with him and want this marriage to work but he keeps denying everything. Also sends me texts messages all day long telling me he loves me and wants to ML 3 to 4 times a week. Why would you do that to me?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769 |
He might be having multiple A or he might be a sex addict...hard to tell.
Generally speaking when H have an A they are colder towards the W and do not seem interested in ML with her.
I would wait on the veterans to see what they tell you.
Do you know who OW is? She is his co-worker...but is she also a "friend"?
He might be trying to completely fool you and cake eat. Do you have kids?
blessing
atena
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888 |
He is "cake eating," CherryChip. He is telling the OW one thing and you another.
He is in FantasyAffair Land. You cannot believe a word he says.
DO NOT REVEAL YOUR INFORMATION SOURCES. You are not ready yet to give him that kind of advantage.
Continue to gather your evidence and then, when he's not paying attention, NUKE THE AFFAIR BY EXPOSING IT TO EVERYONE WHO COUNTS.
Does OW have a husband or GF? Do you know who his parents are? They work together, so his company/boss will have to know -- they are using company resources to pursue immoral, unethical and perhaps illegal activities.
You have to BLOW UP the affair. Until you are ready to do so, DO NOT GIVE HIM ANYTHING HE CAN (and will) USE AGAINST YOU.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67 |
Yes, I have met the OW a couple of times, she was definately not a friend until he became manager at this store. We have three children, two from a previous marriage and we have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. I keep thinking about the two of them together all day long and it is so painful!
I literally have panick attacks!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344 |
Thank you Fred. You took the words out of my mouth...or fingers...whatever.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67 |
OW has been married, cheated on first husband with another individual at work, lived with him for several years and is now having an A with my WH. I have three months of phone bills that he does not know about.
His address on the phone bill is hers.
He is supposed to be going out of town this weekend with the Boys!
Should I drive by this persons house?
When will the pain go away so I can focus on what I need to do?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769 |
No, leave OW alone for now. You need to concentrate on gathering more evidence. I guess phone bills, tape recorded items...those are all good. When you have enough evidence then you can Expose the A and that gives you hope for the A to die. If not, then you will have to do plan A and eventually plan B.
The pain will not go away for now because now you are gathering evidence and you are feeding the pain just by doing that. But it is necessary because you have kids and you need to protect yourself.
Even if the A ends, you will have to recover the M and that is a lot of work. But the pain stays for a while but it will not be as strong as it is now.
blessing
atena
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888 |
OW has been married, cheated on first husband with another individual at work, lived with him for several years and is now having an A with my WH. I have three months of phone bills that he does not know about.
His address on the phone bill is hers.
He is supposed to be going out of town this weekend with the Boys!
Should I drive by this persons house?
When will the pain go away so I can focus on what I need to do? I'm confused. CherryChip, I know you're distressed and in near-panic mode, but it would help if you could be a little more specific... What would driving by her house do, except just aggravate you more? You don't need that. I also don't understand your comment about his address being on her phone bill. Is her phone in his name? Is he paying for it? As for the pain, no one knows exactly when the pain goes away. What I can tell you from my own experience is that posting here is a great way to unload your emotions and get loving support from people who know exactly what you're going through. Keep responding to this thread, and you will find a wealth of veterans with a ton of good advice coming to your aid. You CAN get through this, and with our help, you WILL get through this!
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
This affair must be exposed now.
Do no reveal your sources.
Work exposure must be done also.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67 |
I guess I am in total panick mode. We do not have the same cell phone service he has sprint and I have verizon.
He changed the billing address on his phone bill from ours to hers.
Am I suppose to act like nothing is wrong and try to win his love back?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688 |
To get hard evidence. A dated latenight photo of both cars in driveway (or his) is more proof than "I miss you" text. This may be helpful for her in work related exposure (Still married/living at home with kids/A)
CC: You should be in plan A now. This will give you time to collect your thoughts. Do not believe a thing he says.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Am I suppose to act like nothing is wrong and try to win his love back?
Have you not understood that this adultery is best stopped when it is EXPOSED. Not exposed to WH and OW, they already know they are cheating.
EXPOSE to family, friends, work.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67 |
I am afraid. He got so angry when I confronted him about the phone bills. He told me I was crazy and making stuff up... lie after lie. I am afraid if I do tell then he will be so mad
because his parents will be so crushed that he would not want to work on the marriage.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I am afraid. He got so angry when I confronted him about the phone bills. He told me I was crazy and making stuff up... lie after lie. I am afraid if I do tell then he will be so mad
because his parents will be so crushed that he would not want to work on the marriage.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
From Notable Posts.
Written by Star*Fish.
It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear
Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".
There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.
MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.
You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.
Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.
If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.
Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.
Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.
Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.
Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.
And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 67 |
I guess I am looking for support and encouragement to get over my fears and confront the situation in the correct manner.
Get as many resources to share with him to fix our marriage.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344 |
Of course he got angry, CC. They ALL get angry. Your marriage might survive his anger, but it WON'T have a chance of survival with his infidelity in full swing.
Let me tell you about his anger, too...it's a PLOY to divert attention FROM him and ONTO you...why in the world would you accept his anger for actions that he's doing wrong? YOU'VE done NOTHING wrong...NOTHING.
I've told other people this...he is like a pufferfish...he uses his anger to puff up and SCARE the bejeebers out of you so that you'll forget what you're doing and run away and hide. Are you so readily put off and scared away? Are you AFRAID to stand up for your marriage and your family?
You've come to the wrong place if you are.
Remember this when he gets mad and call him this name in your head, "PUFFERFISH!"
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344 |
And SHARE NONE OF YOUR RESOURCES WITH HIM YET!!!!!!!
Gah.
Why tell the enemy your battle plan?
Right now, with adultry clouding his brain, he is not able to comprehend MB principles.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
446
guests, and
63
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
