Tell the girlfriend as soon as possible.

meanwhile be nice to your wife.

wait and see what happens...
Do you mean that the OM called you and said he would go away?

What news? how are things going?

have you been reading what a marriage should look like? have you thought about what YOU need to do?

You can still meet her EN for conversation by sending her texts, emails, leaving notes once in a while, and so on. Whatever you do, do NOT talk relationship talk with her right now. You are supposed to be in Plan A - meeting her ENs to the best of your ability.

Talking about how to fix the marriage is, right now, a disrespectful judgment. Right now she is not interested in fixing the marriage and so she will just hear you preaching at her and trying to teach her things. She will just hear you saying you are smart, she is stupid, you have all the answers, she must do things your way. So do not talk about the marriage right now. There will be lots of time for that later.


Bravo!!! Well done.

If you can find out who his GF is I would tell her. She might leave OM, which means OM would have more time to pursue your WW, but OM's GF deserves to know that he is doing these things. What if OM's GF marries OM and one day discovers he has had several affairs? If you tell OM's GF now then maybe they will work on things and learn how to treat each other properly. Or maybe you will spare her from immense pain later. Either way, telling OM's GF is the right thing to do.

Again thanks for all the help. Some Update.

to ccbis,
OM called me. He was upset that I told (his boss and his mom). I told him that my marriage can be saved only if he go away. He said he will try to go away. But I don't think he is. I think they will simply hide their contacts better this time. My wife called him a day after that and she did not show any sign of withdrawal.

My wife was upset that I tell her mom. She said we should get a divorce since everyone know. But eventually, I caved and told her that only a few know (on her side). She seems to brighten up and did not talk more about leaving. I called her mom again saying that my wife will stay for two more years and may change her mind. So now my wife and her mom are talking again. I think because of this my wife warm up to me a little.

Still, she did not seems upset that the other guy has a GF. She told me that they broke up. But now she said that she did not really asked what happened. Now the OM's GF is moving out of town and OM said to my wife that they will eventually drift apart. He told my wife that he don't want to break the GF's heart. He is trying to be a bad BF and try to get GF to dump him.

OK, now my "current" plan is to stop all exposure (except may be OMGF). I will try to meet EN of my wife for about 2 years if I can last that long. She said that she will be with me for 2 years. I think WW and OM might have promised each other that they will be together after these 2 years. I will see what happen as we go along. I think this will be quite difficult since she did not love me for a long time (10+ years). And, I don't think I met her EN when she loved me.

I told my mom that we might eventually get a divorce. She was concerned about her grandsons. She offered to buy a condo in my name for me so my family can go to stay (we are now living with my parents). If we get a divorce, I will let my wife stay as long as she wants. I need to be sure that my sons will be well taken care of. We might move to a new place in half a year.

I think 2 years is not that long if I can regain my wife's love. Even if she decides to stay with me without love, I think I will take it. I don't know. I think my wife is warming up to me a little. I am not sure if she is trying to misled me or not.

I think you are setting up yourself for a slow self-destruction.

Follow the real plan A instead.

I though I am doing plan A. Can you please tell me what a real plan A should look like? More exposure? Less time limits?

Have you read this:

Plan A by Pepperband

And yes, exposure to the OMGF is a must (I see that your WW and OM have scared you and you did stop exposure?).

And yes, two years for plan A is way too long.

Hi,
I need more advice.........I can't think clearly.....HELP!!!

An update, most of this are told by my wife. So far the contact between OM and WW continues. I don't know how to break this up!!! I think my wife's concern about leaving me is how to tell the kids and her family (I told her mom already) and possible separation from the kids. I am afraid that if I tell more she will leave giving me less chance to meet her ENs. And, everyone asked me not to tell the kids!

Should I wait a little more (2-3 months) until I am ready for plan B to do more exposure?

Can I do plan B when we are staying in my parent's home? If I leave my own home. She will want to leave too since she does not like to be here. Should I get a new place first or should I try to make her leave?

Hola,

have you read the material on this site?

You need a plan and that plan will keep you on track and make you feel better.
your plan now is plan A. Read on that. Someone just bumped a thread called the carrot and stick of plan A. Read it.

You must expose to everyone, including the children. Yes the children must be told that their mother has a boyfriend and that when you are married it is not right to have a boyfriend. That�s all. They know something is wrong and if you don�t tell them what it is and stand up for yourself, and show them that you are in charge of the situation, they will be confused and probably feel that somehow it is their fault.

YOU DO NOT LEAVE your house, you do not give up your children. You tell your wife that you would like the marriage to be successful and to raise the children with her but if she doesn�t want to be a family then it�s up to her . YOU ARE STAYING WITH YOUR CHILDREN IN YOUR HOUSE.

And you also tell her that you do not accept that she has a boyfriend.

get some of these sentences in your head, and repeat them over and over and that�s what you tell her. Don�t talk of divorce, don�t make plans with her to continue her affair while you are paying for everything! that�s crazy!


read!
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...at&Number=2296184&gonew=1#UNREAD

Dear Hola,

What kind of advice do you need that is not given here already?


We told you, the most potent weapon to bust up affair is exposure but you stopped doing it.


MB advice is to tell everyone incl kids and be not afraid of WS anger for doing it.


If you are waiting with exposure, you are giving your WW the chance to spin the story and lie about true reasons about your marriage breakup.


Do not leave your marital home and keep your kids with you.


Hola, all the advice and examples you should use are already given in your thread or similar threads.
If you are thinking that your case is different or special you are badly mistaken.
Start with real plan A especially with stick part in it - exposure.

OK...I think I have a few more targets. Her dad, my son, and may be her younger brother. I emailed OMGF's roommate but no reply yet. I still undecided about my son. Everyone I told always said to me "please keep this secret"......I guess I will have to stay on the plan.....

OK...Can you help me prepare for what to come?

Suppose, I expose more and she want a divorce. I know that I should not discuss it. But then, what if she openly contact OM? What if she tried to get me to divorce her? What to do next?

One more, in plan A, I should make this home a comfortable place for her. But she hates it here. That is why I am trying to move first....I guess there is no time to do that.....right?

You do not leave your home.

I should tell you guys that all my financial stuffs are managed by my wife. She can move all my money freely. I must somehow get a hold of these first. She does not work. What should I do? Currently only about 10-20% are controlled by me. New income can be secured (but she will know)....

Hola, that has to change, NOW. Don�t tell her what you are going to do and get the finances under YOUR control. You realize that you are paying for her affair? If she says anything you just tell her that you are looking out for the family, for your children.

You must make a plan and give it a time frame, 1 month, 2 months whatever you think is feasible. then make a list of the conditions you are going to live under during this plan A phase based on the information you already have. For example, No relationship talk, calm and cheerful, no talk of divorce, doing housework or whatever other activity fulfills your wife�s emotional needs, taking care of your kids,etc.

The point of plan A is to show your wife the best man you can be, as a husband and father. It doesn�t mean being a doormat and it doesn�t mean pleasing her to the point of allowing her to have a lover! That is not acceptable to a real husband.

Read Patriot�s thread, where you will find lots of help about how to answer your wife when she questions you. write down what is useful.

Hi....I screwed up again....I just installed a keylogger and now she found out. A rookie mistake. She is mad now.I did not use it that much really it was on a different computer that she sometimes uses.

I also did a LOT of relationship talk...I just know I should not have. I talked about it like almost everyday at the beginning.

Lots of stuff to do and I am so tired. I lost more than 20 lbs already.


OK I will work on what you told me. I am thinking 4 months at most now. Finance first, I think she will only agree to hand over half of our money.

And, thank for being very patient with me....

Hola, calm down. Take your time to think things through.

NOW you will become a NEW PERSON, the husband and father that you WANT to be.

You can do it, and the way to start is to make the plan of how you are going to behave and act from now on and why you are doing it.

If you are convinced that you want your marriage and your family you will understand that it doesn�t matter if she gets angry because she found the keylogger because a WIFE SHOULDN�T HAVE SECRET RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER MEN so you are justified in snooping on her. See what I mean?

You are right. I need to be a man.

Well, I just send an email to her saying I am sorry for installing the logger. What a wimp! Normally, I am not really. Just to my wife. I am just powerless against her. I need to change that somehow.

OK, at least you realized that it was a mistake.

Now make the PLAN.

No more excuses for making her affair impossible, no more excuses for defending your family and your marriage, no more excuses for protecting your children, OK?

BTW, what country are you in?

I am a Chinese-blood living in southeast Asian country. Would this be enough?