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Originally Posted by RedsWife
What do I do if H and I can't agree on the wording and he doesn't want to send the letter?
What is the wording he is objecting to? Specifically?

The NC letter should be direct, not vitriolic or slippery. It should simply state that the affair was wrong, hurtful to the marriage and that the wish to recover the marriage requires no further contact. It should "ask" that the no contact requirement be respected.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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If he's not willing to say that what he did was wrong, I would seriously doubt his sincerity in staying with you. You need more discussion about this. Can you afford a call to the Harleys?

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I suggested pratically the exact wording that was suggested in this thread.
OW,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and child; I have come to realize that I must never communicate with or see you again. Maintaining my relationship with you was a selfish choice I made that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care about my family and I would not want to do anything further to risk our future. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my decision

He wants to remove things and in his words make it simple.

OW,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and child; I am going to end communication with you. Maintaining a relationship with you was a selfish choice I made that BS did not deserve. I will not make any further contact with you and you not make any contact with me.

He also doesn't want to send it in the mail he wants it to be an email.

I'm not sure if we can exactly afford the call. I'm not sure what they could do to help? Give me a plan? Would they talk to him? I'm clueless of what would happen so I guess I don't see the value. What do they usually do?

I can't believe I am crying over this. I told him that in order for us to work on rebuilding he has to agree to all of the conditions that were set when we talked yesterday. Which includes sending the NC letter.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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Originally Posted by RedsWife
I suggested pratically the exact wording that was suggested in this thread.
OW,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and child; I have come to realize that I must never communicate with or see you again. Maintaining my relationship with you was a selfish choice I made that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care about my family and I would not want to do anything further to risk our future. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my decision

He wants to remove things and in his words make it simple.

OW,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and child; I am going to end communication with you. Maintaining a relationship with you was a selfish choice I made that BS did not deserve. I will not make any further contact with you and you not make any contact with me.

He also doesn't want to send it in the mail he wants it to be an email.

I'm not sure if we can exactly afford the call. I'm not sure what they could do to help? Give me a plan? Would they talk to him? I'm clueless of what would happen so I guess I don't see the value. What do they usually do?

I can't believe I am crying over this. I told him that in order for us to work on rebuilding he has to agree to all of the conditions that were set when we talked yesterday. Which includes sending the NC letter.
He doesn't want the finality/permanence imposed by the original. That's what comes across to me.

Email is a fudge. It might get "lost in the ether" and does not have the impact of the printed word.

He's not totally committed to recovery, yet.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
[quote=RedsWife]
He's not totally committed to recovery, yet.

You're right. So what do I do? If I call the Harley's are they going to speak to only me or will they speak to both of us. I don't know where to go from here.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
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Originally Posted by RedsWife
I'm not sure if we can exactly afford the call.
You can afford it. It costs a tiny fraction of what divorce lawyers may cost both of you.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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This was my reply to his email that he's willing to meet all conditions to rebuilding except the NC letter.

I'm so glad that you are ONLY willing to meet YOUR conditions. The reality of our situation is that a 3rd person was brought into our marriage, the letter sent to her would signify that you are putting a permanent END to your affair with her (let's call it like it is). IF you are not willing to do this then I will figure out what we will do while I wait on you to want that relationship DEAD.

I was trying to avoid love busters but, I'm not sure how well I did. I was trying not to let my anger show much


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
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Originally Posted by GloveOil
Originally Posted by RedsWife
I'm not sure if we can exactly afford the call.
You can afford it. It costs a tiny fraction of what divorce lawyers may cost both of you.

This is true. Will we both have to be available for the call? I will go look into it. I'm so upset that I can't stop crying.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
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He's now saying that I am holding him back from making the commitment b/c I don't want to compromise with him. He doesn't want to send the letter


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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RW,

I completely agree that you should schedule a call with Steve Harley. He will need to speak to each of you individually. If you schedule a 1 hour call he will spend half with you and half with your WH. You need some outside assistance to get your WH to see that what he was doing is considered an EA. He doesn't get it yet. Not even close. His version of the NC letter was not sufficient and sending it email over regular mail is ridiculous. He is not committed to your M and until he commits and acknowleges his wrong doings you are spinning your wheels. Steve Harley can help him understand.

Mindshare

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Originally Posted by RedsWife
He's now saying that I am holding him back from making the commitment b/c I don't want to compromise with him. He doesn't want to send the letter
...as if it's not his lousy conduct that's the problem holding you back, it's your refusal to compromise. Around here, they call that twisted logic "gaslighting"

My gut reaction would be to reply that he compromised your marriage by interjecting another woman. That's the "compromise" that matters. But seeing how that might be received, let's set that aside for a minute.

The NC letter will have to be sent, but it may not be your best "hill to die on" today, Jan.21. (No contact is a hill that you will have to surmount soon, though.)

For today, another tack you could take might be to ask him if he will commit to a joint phone counseling session with the Harleys.

His willingness to engage in counseling to work on your marriage may be a crucial signal. In my case, on the same day I confessed my affair to my wife, she said she wanted us to go to counseling together. I said that I would. If I had refused, she might very well have kicked me out then & there; or at least, I can't imagine how our recovery would've worked if I'd refused.

Once he's in counseling with someone who can moderate your conversations & who is committed to saving marriages, then he may come to see the light re: the importance of no-contact, or at least be willing to follow the recommended approaches while he comes around to seeing the light. If he won't commit to a joint appointment, then you'll have to hear from the real vets around here, because that'll be a tougher case.

My wife & I never had counseling with the Harleys; we didn't really know about them until after we'd been assigned to work through the book "Surviving An Affair" by our marriage counselor. From what I recall reading on this site, they charge in the neighborhood of $200-$250 a session.

I pray that your husband is open to this suggestion.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted by RedsWife
He's now saying that I am holding him back from making the commitment b/c I don't want to compromise with him. He doesn't want to send the letter
Oh, great. He's turning it back on you. He's nowhere near recovery at this point. He's stonewalling.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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My gut reaction would be to reply that he compromised your marriage by interjecting another woman.

I actually said this to him.

He has now agreed to the letter as I originally suggested and is trying to get me to agree to having him send he an email.

I made the appointment with Steve, it can only help.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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Agree with GO. Back off on the NC for today. Supposedly, he is in NC anyway right now so the letter itself can wait a few days if needed. It's important to do it correctly and to both be in agreement of the wording and the method of communication.

When is your appointment with Steve? So glad to hear you got it scheduled. From everything that I have heard and read, Steve is extraordinarily adept at getting through to waywards. You can revisit the NC letter during your call with Steve.

Mindshare

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Our appointment is at the begining of next week. He says that he will attend the call. He has now agreed to the NC letter but should I wait until we speak with Steve before sending it?


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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Thaks for all your help. I really appreciate having people in my corner


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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Originally Posted by RedsWife
My gut reaction would be to reply that he compromised your marriage by interjecting another woman.

I actually said this to him.

He has now agreed to the letter as I originally suggested and is trying to get me to agree to having him send he an email.
Email addresses can be faked.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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What GO was saying is to reply to WH stating that he compromised our marriage by adding OW.

He's now accusing me of wanting to send the NC letter to be sptieful towards OW. I told him to stop protecting her. She's not the pure princess he thinks she is.

I'm two seconds from posting this on my FB status page:

Attn members of (Insert church) WH and OW have been having an emotional affair for two years. Yes an affair full of lying and deciet. Their term for this is "undercover friends" He won't admit it but I will. If you know someone who does polygraph let me know so I can make sure that's all there is to the story.

Or something like that. I feel like I'd be doing it out of anger though and some of my cousins that live states away would see it too.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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I guess the FB status msg is a no..lol


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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Originally Posted by RedsWife
What GO was saying is to reply to WH stating that he compromised our marriage by adding OW.

He's now accusing me of wanting to send the NC letter to be sptieful towards OW. I told him to stop protecting her. She's not the pure princess he thinks she is.

I'm two seconds from posting this on my FB status page:

Attn members of (Insert church) WH and OW have been having an emotional affair for two years. Yes an affair full of lying and deciet. Their term for this is "undercover friends" He won't admit it but I will. If you know someone who does polygraph let me know so I can make sure that's all there is to the story.

Or something like that. I feel like I'd be doing it out of anger though and some of my cousins that live states away would see it too.
The purpose of the NO CONTACT letter is not to be spiteful. It is the first step REQUIRED in recovering your marriage. There is no need to be protective of the OW. She and your WH did nothing to protect your marriage. The letter is as cold and devoid of passion as a sniper's task: it's something that has to be done.

Your husband is bargaining. He has nothing to bargain for, or with.

RedsWife, I know you want recovery to begin as soon as possible, and we all support that. But it's never that easy. Your husband is an addict and he's being forced to look withdrawal straight in the face.

His APPROVAL on the letter is not required, although that would be a plus. His ACCEPTANCE of it is. The letter should be devoid of emotion (except for any expression of the desire to recover the marriage) and should simply state the intent to sever contact PERMANENTLY. There is no wiggle room on this.

I'd hold off on the FB explosion, but keep it in your back pocket. It may be a tool you'll need to use.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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