ok I will move back there today, also she already knows, my wife had disabled her facebook account when this first happened, she re-enabled it to talk with one of the OM's close friends to get his advice. The OM's spouse saw her on there and msg'd her saying "why are you back on here!? you have caused me more pain and humiliation than you can imagine" I'm not sure the exact conversation but this is what the OM's wife said.

Please read "the carrot an the stick" in the notable post section. Its revised version is on this page. I'll bump it for you.

The trick is exposure of both parties and meeting her emotional needs. This is part of the Plan A route.

I just read the carrot an stick, I will try this but in my situation it's so hard to know exactly what to do and when to do it. How am I going to tell her I am moving back in the house when were supposed to be waiting 9 days to decide whether we are going to work things out?

Also when I do move back in today how am I supposed to act? do I help around the house as much as possible? Do I ignore her?, because I know she will be ignoring me. I's sorry but I am a direction oriented man. I need step by step tips in order to know what to do, mainly because I am so distraught with emotions I cannot think clearly. When I am at the house we don't argue,because we don't talk. please guys I need help.

I am new at this but I suggest you move back ASAP. One of the biggest mistakes (among many others) I did was to leave the house in the beginning. These days are crucial to your recovery. When you are out of your house you are allowing your WW to play the A freely in the comfort of her home court. Make it difficult for her to contact OM by being around. Make no mistake, she'll try the impossible to contact him.

Just go back, be courteous, say hello and act like nothing has happened. If she ignores you don't try to force conversation. If she asks why you're back just tell her that you want whats best for your marriage. Be like a broken record - avoid going into deep conversations. Be prepared that she might get angry. Make sure you don't argue or try to teach her a lesson. Don't take any bait to start a fight. Just be calm and collected. That part is hard but crucial in plan A.

Don't pay attention to what she's saying about OM. What they have is not real - it's just an illusion. WS are in a altered state of mind where you can't try to make sense of their words. Anything she says is just noise and lies.

Again, go back to YOUR home NOW.

I am sure the vets around here will come and give you more advice. Pay attention to what they'll tell you and act promptly. This is the time to be strong and fight for your marriage.

-- ElCamino72

thanks for that insight, I will move back in today, I am about to send her a text letting her know. When do the vets usually come on? I need alot of help starting from the beginning of my post. I am going to send her a text thats says "I am going to move back into the house tonight, I can't stand the feeling of not being there at night to offer security for my kids and you. I know you never told me I had to leave and I made that choice on my own, but I am not making the choice to move back. I will be sleeping in our bed and your more than welcome to join me, but if you don't want to then you can pull out other bed or stay at a friends house." Does this sound ok?

i read the links but I don't know where to start.

DON'T SEND THAT TEXT

That is not part of Plan A. Don't give her a choice of leaving or sleeping elsewhere. Do you have a key to your home? Just GO HOME. Walk in the door as if nothing happened and you belong there because guess what? YOU BELONG THERE.

The vets come on here at differing times of day. Don't be discouraged, EVERY DAY there are new people coming on here and the same things are said over and over again. Maybe you could read through some other people's threads and see if there are any sitchs that are like yours. I am SURE you will find some that are very similar.

When she asks you about the 9 days thing I would respond with something like, "I don't need 9 days to figure out I want to continue to be married to you, would you like a cup of tea?" You don't actually have to go make any tea but it is a way to state what you want and quickly changing the subject. She will NOT be happy that you have come home because now her "play time" is over. Your M will survive her anger but it will not survive her A.

X3

Just go home, do not warn her of anything from now on.

What don't you understand.

i don't understand how to act when I get home tongight, or what to say when she says "you didn't even tell me you were coming home" or we talked about you gradually moving back in, etc.... how do I act? do i just smile all the time and act super happy and continue to work hard around the house? do I try to start conversation with her?

Jonpen, you are dealing with an alien. Do not take anything coming out of her mouth as being sane, reasonable, rational or meaningful. Instead, imagine you are Charlie Brown and your WW is his teacher. You know: Yadda Yadda Yadda...

The advice you've gotten so far is right on: Be cheerful, speak in short sentences, avoid any talk of relationship, and simply try to be "Mr. Nice."

If she gets angry or confrontational, simply excuse yourself and walk away. Into another room -- NOT OUT THE DOOR. Please understand that for the immediate future, you cannot have a reasonable conversation with her. Your job right now is to make her head spin with how nice you are!

I understand being too distraught to think clearly. Plan A is about you learning to be the best husband you can be, and letting her see that you can be the man of her dreams. Plan A is all about actions, and not about talk. In other words, DO plan A, don't TALK about the relationship or fixing things.

1. Move back home. Stay in YOUR bed. If she doesn't like it she can move or sleep somewhere else. You're not abandoning the marriage, she is. Why make it easy on her by moving out? Besides, it's easier to work on Plan A if you're in the same house.

2. AVOID LOVE BUSTERS. I don't care how angry you get, no angry outbursts! Read up on disrespectful judgments and read it over and over and over. They can be tricky to recognize at first so think twice and speak once.

3. Meet her top ENs. Read up on ENs and bust your tail to meet her top 3. Just try to figure out what hers are. What does OM do for her that you don't? For most women, conversation is high on the list. Ask her about her day. LISTEN to her and respond. If things get tense, change the subject or excuse yourself and leave the room.

4. If you haven't already, expose to anybody who might influence your WW to end her A. Her parents, siblings, boss (if OM works with her), your children, OM's wife, OM's parents, your pastor, and so on.

Slow down and breathe. It took months and likely years for your marriage to get to this state. It will take months and years for it to get better. Go back and re-read Plan A. Take your time. Think about it. Follow the links. Read them. Think it over.

If you ask specific questions here you'll get better help. You have to DO something other than running in circles freaking out. It's totally understandable, we've all been there. Believe us, you need to calm down, breathe, develop a plan, and stick to it. Panic does not help your cause. A good plan, accompanied with action, does.

Normal, be a good husband, avoid affair conversations.

I'm here to save our marriage, want a cookie?

Normal, be a good husband, avoid affair conversations.

Sure, just not about the affair or your relationship.

You say "This is my home and I live here."
You say "I'm interested in repairing our marriage, not enabling your affair."

Then you change the subject to something pleasant. Don't get dragged into a battle or any relationship talk. Just let her know where you stand, and move on. Ask her would she prefer chicken for dinner or beef? Invite her to a movie she's been dying to see.

MEET HER ENs.

[quot]do i just smile all the time and act super happy and continue to work hard around the house? do I try to start conversation with her? [/quote]
What are her top ENs? If domestic support is a top EN and she's left doing all the cooking, cleaning, child care, etc. after working all day then YES make her dinner, get the kids bathed and into bed, get the dishes into the dishwasher, and run the vacuum. Throw in a load of laundry.

On the other hand if DS is not on her radar, you'd be totally wasting your time doing all that stuff. If conversation is her top EN, ask her about a book she's been reading or some other topic she's interested in.

If she brings up the relationship, change the subject. If you MUST respond, respond calmly and firmly that you are interested in marriage, not separation or divorce or affairs. Then move on to another subject.

Pleasant and polite.
Not clingy or emotional.



It's Ok to smile if you feel like smiling.


Smiling all the time will seem weird and disingenuous.
Smile when appropriate.



Pleasant and polite.
And, genuine. Not phony.



Do what needs to be done.
Then sit and relax.
ENJOY YOUR HOME!


Ask benign questions only.
Are you hungry?
Do you want to watch TV?
Did you hear about the (insert news item)?

wow thanks! the main problem is I may have already gone to far with disrespectful judgements. I told her she needs to follow God, I told her what she has done is hurting me badly, and I told her about doing the 6 month trial period. I am the one telling her all these things but if it was up to her she would just end it.
She told me it was over and wanted out that she could never love me the same again. I won't ignore her but I also just won't listen to any of her relationship nonsense because even when she was upset and crying over him I comforted her, and I told her that I had done bad things in our marriage.
She is partially placing the blame on me for not meeting her emotional needs, and though I know it was not my fault at all, she thinks it was.
I am going to go to the house tonight at 8 and i will text her 10 mins before i get there and say "I will be home in 10 mins" because I do want to surprise her but not scare her.
Should I bring all my clothes and stuff back to the house and just starting moving them in without even saying anything?
so let me try and get it straight,
I should try to have conversations with her about anything other than our relationship and her OM. I should be there for here and be super nice to her. should I tell her she needs to stop all communication with him? I can't say "stop or I'll leave you" etc.. because she don't care if I leave her. She told me she does miss me sometimes because we had a long talk last night for about 2 hours, when at first she wanted divorce then she said to give her till next friday so she can have time to think.
It seems I have went about things all wrong and I am afraid it might be too late, but I will keep trying. Also when should I invite her to go out with me? and what if she refuses? T
hese are all the different questions going through my head right now.