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@patriot45, I hope you don't mind me chiming in again. When she comes back, you have just one job: be the husband she needs. * PROTECT HER from your anger, disrespect, and demands by learning to say "This conversation isn't safe for me right now. I'd love to talk later." Walk away and do something else if that happens. * PROTECT YOURSELF from her anger, disrespect, and demands by learning to say "This conversation isn't safe for me right now. I'd love to talk later. Walk away and do something else if that happens. * MEET HER NEEDS, particularly affection and conversation, by asking "How can I help you?" and "How do you feel if...?" questions, as well as demonstrating physical affection and finding ways to show her you are always thinking about her. * INVITE HER TO MEET YOUR NEEDS using thoughtful requests and respectful persuasion. Frame each request or persuasion attempt in your mind using "How would you feel about..." or "I'd love it if..." questions/statements that avoid use of the word "YOU" anywhere in them. Think "I'd love it if we could find a way to meet my need for openness & honesty together", or "How would you feel about taking a few days off work so we can be together?" Don't expect a lot of results for several weeks or months, though, until her addiction wears off. * SPEND UNINTERRUPTED TIME TOGETHER, a bare minimum of 15 hours per week (but shoot for 30!). Ensure during this time you are giving one another undivided attention without distractions. This may mean booking flights together if she goes out of town from now on (and finding a nanny), or coming to a mutually-enthusiastic agreement of a change in her job responsibilities to avoid spending overnights away from you ever again. * BE HONEST with her about your feelings in a non-judgmental way. "I'm sad today because I'm thinking about all that has happened" or "I am happy you are home." * REWARD HER HONESTY by learning to say "Thank you for being honest" while not allowing yourself to become defensive even if her honesty sounds accusatory. Do not interrupt to correct her, and practice expressing how her accusations make you feel rather than stating why they are wrong. * ESTABLISH EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to prevent recidivism, as recommended in "Surviving An Affair". Discover the real reasons the affair happened. Hint: none of the real reasons will blame you. They will all deal with her, her feelings, and her own precautions, or possibly joint precautions. Part of those EPs, though, is complete and radical honesty with you for the rest of her life... enforced through whatever technological or process changes you think are appropriate to make sure you know even when she doesn't want you to know. Remember those EPs include your full access to every password, every account, every mailing, any and every piece of information that you need to reassure yourself she's not having another affair. Complete, absolute transparency. Remind her it's not a punishment, but a way to fill your emotional need for openness & honesty. * EXPECT APPROACH-AVOIDANCE. She may have the attraction/repulsion dynamic going on here, wanting to be with you when she's away from you, and wanting to be away from you when she's with you. Figure out what repulses her -- probably Love Busters -- and find ways to remedy them together. Remember always that she is totally responsible for how you feel about her, and you are totally responsible for how she feels about you. You cannot change your own feelings toward her: she must. She cannot change her own feelings toward you: you must. Treat that as a sacred responsibility to nurse her back to health after these horrible, tragic events occurred. They happened completely due to her own decisions, but she needs time to heal, nonetheless. Expect withdrawal. To sum up again: * PROTECTION * CARE * TIME * HONESTY * EXCLUSIVE NEED-MEETING * POJA Expect her honesty to grow with time, and for her to have some difficulty talking about things at first. Remember that EVERY conversation about the affair has a cost in Love Units withdrawn when she accesses that memory bank. Plan to keep such conversations to a minimum. It's helpful to write down your questions and plan to discuss them at a certain time on a certain day each week so you can keep those Love Unit Withdrawals to a minimum. Avoid "Why" questions, if you have them, and focus on "What", "When", "Where", and "With Whom" questions, because "Why" questions can be answered by understanding Love Bank balances, exclusive need-meeting, and independent behavior + dishonesty being requirements for conducting an affair. Good luck, bro. We're here.
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Gack
There are people here that feel it's there duty to punish WW's.
Doesn't matter that their not even their own WW's. Amen
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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That is uncalled for. This is MB not DB.
Last edited by Breezemb; 01/21/10 03:24 PM. Reason: removing quotes
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@patriot45, I hope you don't mind me chiming in again. When she comes back, you have just one job: be the husband she needs. * PROTECT HER from your anger, disrespect, and demands by learning to say "This conversation isn't safe for me right now. I'd love to talk later." Walk away and do something else if that happens. * PROTECT YOURSELF from her anger, disrespect, and demands by learning to say "This conversation isn't safe for me right now. I'd love to talk later. Walk away and do something else if that happens. * MEET HER NEEDS, particularly affection and conversation, by asking "How can I help you?" and "How do you feel if...?" questions, as well as demonstrating physical affection and finding ways to show her you are always thinking about her. * INVITE HER TO MEET YOUR NEEDS using thoughtful requests and respectful persuasion. Frame each request or persuasion attempt in your mind using "How would you feel about..." or "I'd love it if..." questions/statements that avoid use of the word "YOU" anywhere in them. Think "I'd love it if we could find a way to meet my need for openness & honesty together", or "How would you feel about taking a few days off work so we can be together?" Don't expect a lot of results for several weeks or months, though, until her addiction wears off. * SPEND UNINTERRUPTED TIME TOGETHER, a bare minimum of 15 hours per week (but shoot for 30!). Ensure during this time you are giving one another undivided attention without distractions. This may mean booking flights together if she goes out of town from now on (and finding a nanny), or coming to a mutually-enthusiastic agreement of a change in her job responsibilities to avoid spending overnights away from you ever again. * BE HONEST with her about your feelings in a non-judgmental way. "I'm sad today because I'm thinking about all that has happened" or "I am happy you are home." * REWARD HER HONESTY by learning to say "Thank you for being honest" while not allowing yourself to become defensive even if her honesty sounds accusatory. Do not interrupt to correct her, and practice expressing how her accusations make you feel rather than stating why they are wrong. * ESTABLISH EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to prevent recidivism, as recommended in "Surviving An Affair". Discover the real reasons the affair happened. Hint: none of the real reasons will blame you. They will all deal with her, her feelings, and her own precautions, or possibly joint precautions. Part of those EPs, though, is complete and radical honesty with you for the rest of her life... enforced through whatever technological or process changes you think are appropriate to make sure you know even when she doesn't want you to know. Remember those EPs include your full access to every password, every account, every mailing, any and every piece of information that you need to reassure yourself she's not having another affair. Complete, absolute transparency. Remind her it's not a punishment, but a way to fill your emotional need for openness & honesty. * EXPECT APPROACH-AVOIDANCE. She may have the attraction/repulsion dynamic going on here, wanting to be with you when she's away from you, and wanting to be away from you when she's with you. Figure out what repulses her -- probably Love Busters -- and find ways to remedy them together. Remember always that she is totally responsible for how you feel about her, and you are totally responsible for how she feels about you. You cannot change your own feelings toward her: she must. She cannot change her own feelings toward you: you must. Treat that as a sacred responsibility to nurse her back to health after these horrible, tragic events occurred. They happened completely due to her own decisions, but she needs time to heal, nonetheless. Expect withdrawal. To sum up again: * PROTECTION * CARE * TIME * HONESTY * EXCLUSIVE NEED-MEETING * POJA Expect her honesty to grow with time, and for her to have some difficulty talking about things at first. Remember that EVERY conversation about the affair has a cost in Love Units withdrawn when she accesses that memory bank. Plan to keep such conversations to a minimum. It's helpful to write down your questions and plan to discuss them at a certain time on a certain day each week so you can keep those Love Unit Withdrawals to a minimum. Avoid "Why" questions, if you have them, and focus on "What", "When", "Where", and "With Whom" questions, because "Why" questions can be answered by understanding Love Bank balances, exclusive need-meeting, and independent behavior + dishonesty being requirements for conducting an affair. Good luck, bro. We're here. If only I could of/would of known this and followed this advice. I am keeping this post
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Last edited by Breezemb; 01/21/10 03:25 PM. Reason: removing quotes
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Dude, With all due respect, you advice to He needs to BLAST her to garner her RESPECT. I'd walk up to than table w/ a Plan D in hand and plan FU w/ the other hand. Follow through w/ it. Then, after he has protected himself and his children from this wreckless B, let her hit ROCK BOTTOM, maybe they can talk reconciliation. NOT BEFORE, she has gone WAY TOO FAR! He needs to protect his SANITY now! DUDE Is just plain wrong. Your W had an affair, and your solution was to have an affair and divorce her. You have no idea how or why MB works and you put little effort into your marriage or the recovery. Pat will gain respect for himself and from others if he handles this in a calm, thoughtful, and consistent way. He is also likely to get a better outcome for his children who no matter how poor a mother his W has been will miss her and will suffer from the break up of the family. It may happen, but Pat will be much better able to handle and deal with the children if he can look them in the eye and say "I did my best, and in the end the best decision was to end this family". He will ALSO gain great respect from his kids if in the end he can look them in the eye and say "Your mother hurt me deeply, but I found a way to forgive and rebuild this marriage. I was NOT going to give up on my promises because of a little pain." The problem you have Dude is you can look no one in the eye and say you even tried, thought or considered anyone but yourself and your pain. If you had/have children they would know that their old man cut country, shacked up with the first bimbo he could find, and is dealing with his pain via anger. Nice really nice. Pat, calm and steady. You get to choose your course. So map it out carefully, get all of your ducks in a row, and then take whatever action seems warrented by your analysis and the response of your W. God Bless, JL
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Pat; skip the drivel, the reason this site exists is for situations like you are in. You can do this. You have to believe and give her the chance to START a recovery. PS There is an "ignore" feature on your thread. Did you know?
Last edited by Breezemb; 01/21/10 03:26 PM. Reason: removing quotes
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Pat:
This post is all over the place. I was one of the "burn her at the stake" people yesterday. Eh...sometimes us bystanders get a little too excited and we like to project our own experiences onto that of others.
Follow the MB advice you're getting. That's why you're here after all, right? Better to be calm and make good decisions. It works out best for everyone in the end.
Your WW is showing remorse. That, IMO, is critical. It's been 4 mos. or so since my D-Day and I've gotten not so much as a single "sorry" or "I was wrong". I think remorse is a critical requirement for healing.
Yeah, this is where it gets tough. And expect to keep hearing crap. If things move forward, she's headed for withdrawal and it's going to be tough on her AND you. Might want to plan a long getaway if you can, just the two of you. Not sure how likely that is, but Harley suggests it can ease the withdrawal period and prevent her from going back to OM while she is weakest.
Really, you are in a good position right now. Avoid the LBs and do your best to show your WW why you are the superior man in her life. She will see it, in time.
BH - age 33
WW - age 33, pregnant w/OC, due Jun. 2010
M - 12 yrs
DS x3 (12, 6, 2)
DD x1 (8)
D-day 9-9-09
Plan D - Divorce Papers served 11-12-09
WW moved in w/OM 1-30-10 (DS12 Bday)
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Last edited by Breezemb; 01/21/10 03:27 PM. Reason: TOS - harassment & removing quotes
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Eh...sometimes us bystanders get a little too excited and we like to project our own experiences onto that of others.
Follow the MB advice you're getting. That's why you're here after all, right? Better to be calm and make good decisions. It works out best for everyone in the end.
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*edit*
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To sum up again:
* PROTECTION
* CARE
* TIME
* HONESTY
* EXCLUSIVE NEED-MEETING
* POJA
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*edit*
Last edited by Breezemb; 01/21/10 03:32 PM. Reason: TOS
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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*edit*
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*edit*
Last edited by Breezemb; 01/21/10 03:35 PM. Reason: TOS - harassment & removing quotes
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Zelmo, please stop harassing this poster.
This is a Marriage Building Forum.
Let's get back to Marriage Building please.
breezemb@gmail.com
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Remember always that she is totally responsible for how you feel about her, and you are totally responsible for how she feels about you. You cannot change your own feelings toward her: she must. She cannot change her own feelings toward you: you must. Treat that as a sacred responsibility to nurse her back to health after these horrible, tragic events occurred. They happened completely due to her own decisions, but she needs time to heal, nonetheless.
Time to heal.
AWESOME MB advice !
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*edit*
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Z: All BS get abused verbally - it goes with the territory. If I posted half the stuff my WW said to me my posts would all be censored. Sticks and stones and all that.
BH - age 33
WW - age 33, pregnant w/OC, due Jun. 2010
M - 12 yrs
DS x3 (12, 6, 2)
DD x1 (8)
D-day 9-9-09
Plan D - Divorce Papers served 11-12-09
WW moved in w/OM 1-30-10 (DS12 Bday)
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