Can't our church only has 2 services one on Wednessday and one on Sunday. We both go both days.

Go to another church.

Does your pastor/minister know?

Yes, one of priests knows, we've both been talking to him for several weeks now. The rector of the church knows some of what's been going on from what the other priest has told him, but I'm not sure how much he knows. We both like talking to the priest more than the rector.

We're part of a small church, well not really that small it's a world wide church, but there is only one congregation where we live. The next closet church is about two and a half hours away.

@Tresmal, I admit to not being a churchgoer, so I'm a bit at a loss to address the church angle, but I'll toss out some thoughts. If they resonate, swell. If not, well, maybe someone else with a better handle on such things can advise.

Have you counseled with your priest? If you're both deeply connected to your church, it would seem your wife's behavior goes against its teachings. Perhaps counseling with clergy more might help?

And what of the "ungodliness" of adultery? Perhaps it hasn't reached that stage yet, but without being addressed, it will. Does your wife not see anything hypocritical in her actions?

If you cannot find another way to worship, then it seems to me that the worship component ought to be a strong lever in showing your wife the "error of her ways."

Just my $.02.

Yes we have counseled with our priest, but he's not "equipped" to really counsel on marital issues. I've sent an e-mail to one of the higher level ministers in the church this morning. I think she understands the ungodliness of the affair, but I don't think she cares. I've tried to use our faith in order to bring her back, but she thinks its just me trying to win her back. Over the last year or so, we've both pulled away from our faith in a sense. We didn't go to Wednessday night service and would occassionaly miss a Sunday service. Since the affair started I realized the need to have God back in my life and I've started going to every Service we have. She thinks I'm doing it just to get her back, because I know church is a big part of her life.

She says she sees the changes that I've been going through the last few weeks, but she doesn't believe that I'm doing it for our marriage. She thinks I'm just doing to get her back and then things will go back to the way they were. She doesn't trust me right now and second guesses everything I do or say. But at the same time she tells me actions speak louder than words (which is true), she doesn't believe that my actions or things I say are genuine.

It is more likely that her saying that you are only doing it to get her back is just typical wayward talk. Right now, she probably doesn't want to believe that you can truly change. Unfortuanately, you have little control over what she "believes".

One of the things I alway tried emphasize to my W was that I wasn't trying to "change" myself. It is very difficult for a person to change who they are, and probably shouldn't. What I believe is that if a person doesn't like who they see in the mirror, then they need to change the behaviors that are causing that negative image they see.

I hope that makes sense.

Makes complete sense. The changes she wants to see in me were things that I started doing when I entered into depression. Things that I didn't like about myself. For instance, I used to do a majority of the cooking, because I love to cook. Though when I entered into my depression, I lost the enjoyment of cooking and slowly passed that "chore" off to her. Now that I'm receiving treatment for the depression and sort of coming out of it, I've started doing all of the cooking in the house again. Though partly out of necessity because she's not living there right now, but even so I'm starting to enjoy it again. She's having a hard time believing that my actions over the last year have been due to the depression. She has said a few times, that she starting to see the TresMal that she fell in love with....What ever that means.

I am certainly no expert on these matters. If I am not offering good advice here, I hope that the pros will correct me.

It may be a slow, painful process, but for her to believe in you again 1st she will have to want to. 2nd you will have to try and keep "the TresMal that she fell in love with" front and center 24/7. Even when she can't see it, you should try and live it.

Tresmal,

BTW, I love to cook also. I really love it when the girls are all enjoying a meal that I prepared for them, and they tell me how good it is, and that I should have my own show on the Food Network. That might be fun, but I just enjoy doing it for them.

Heh...I'm the same way. I'd rather cook for a group of people rather than myself. Wife used to tell me I should try out for the Next Food Network star reality show.

Plan B 2nd draft (thanks Turtlehead):

My Dearest WW,
This is the hardest letter I�ve ever had to write, because I love you so much. I remember the weekend we spent in the Hocking Hills, where we were so happy and in love. The way you smile at me melts my heart and your beautiful blue eyes burn deep in to my soul. I have and always will believe in you, you are the most amazing person I have ever met. It pains me now that I must make this difficult decision.

I�ve been sick for the last year or so without knowing it and this illness has caused me to say and do things that were hurtful to you. I wish I knew what was going on with me sooner so I could have gotten help and kept you from the pain I caused. I failed to keep the lines of communication open with you so that I could better understand what was needed in our marriage. For this I am truly sorry.

This past month for me has been such an eye opener and an emotional roller coaster for me. I learned that I had been suffering from depression; something I never would have thought could effect me. I have learned so much about myself and our marriage over these past weeks and I am making permanent changes to myself, and I have no doubt in my mind that we can rebuild a new and better marriage together.

It is with a heavy heart that I must now tell you that I can no longer support this affair, as I need to protect the love that I have for you. I�m asking that you refrain from contacting me through all lines of communication (e-mail, phone, text messages or instant messaging). I have spoken with Priest XXXXX and he has agreed to serve as an intermediary for us. Please direct any correspondence through Priest XXXXX and I will let him determine what information to pass on to me.

During this time of healing, I cannot support you financially as that would relay the idea that I support your affair. Please remove my name from all your credit card accounts. The money in the joint account is yours to do with as you please. As for your remaining belongings in the house, please send me an e-mail detailing the items you wish to have and I will have them packed and ready to go on a date that we both agree upon. As for your cell phone, please obtain your own contract and a new phone and return the phone you now possess so that I can give it to DD. Please make sure to reset the phone, deleting all contacts, text messages, pictures, etc.

When you are ready to recover our marriage, you only need to end the affair, never contact him again and ask Priest XXXX to let me know the affair is over. We can talk about the details of our recommitment then.

It is my sincere hope that someday we will be able to start a new marriage, one that will bloom and blossom into something great. I want us to be able to meet each other�s needs so that we can both enjoy the bliss that comes with a great love. I love you and I always will and I want to restore our marriage into something better than we ever dreamed about. When you are ready to come home, I will welcome you home with open arms and forgiveness.

Love,

Tresmal

I like it. See what others say.

Haven't read thoroughly but I would suggest no marriage weekends until the A is over with. Although it is a suggestion of hers to go to the weekend, not sure you will get anything out of it, other than the 'right' for WW to say, 'see, I tried". She will be so foggy during the weekend that it would be a waste of money and time. Perhaps you could recommend a weekend away with you, with no contact with OM, see if she would go for that.

There is no way for her to really try in her M while she has ANY contact with OM. Ask her if she would be willing to go no contact (none, no emails, texts, not even thinking about him...) for a month to REALLY give your M a chance. Then Plan A your lower backend off.

I've sort of all ready suggested that to her...I asked her for no contact for 6 months to give our marriage a chance. She declined, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to work on us and still communicate with him. I've told her several times, our priest has said and the MC has said it as well, we can't work on the marriage until OM is out of the picture. She just won't give him up, because he makers her happy. She told the MC that she's never like this about anyone before.....What a crock of doggy poop.

>She wants to work on us and still communicate with him

If she does this what is your plan?

She must have a CONSEQUENCE for this behavior.

Before she came from her parents, she talked to our priest and she agreed to give our marriage 6 months. Part of that was to stop communications with OM. When we talked with the priest on Wed. he repeated this and told her she had to make a decision and for me to give her some space. I didn't talk to her much yesterday, other than calling her to pray together before bed. She's planning on coming by tonight to spend time with me and my daughter and to talk.

Basically, if she doesn't agree to no communication, I will probably implement plan B, which I really don't want to do. She told me on Monday that she does miss me, but she wasn't ready to come home yet. Her brother is in similar predicament, he's been affair as well. He moved out and has decided to focus on his wife and marriage, but isn't ready to move back into the house yet. My wife seems to be following his actions, with the exception of breaking off contact. The same day he told her that he was going to work on his marriage was the same day she told me she missed me.

Her family is all screwed up right now. Her mother and father are living separately, her brother is having an affair, and her other brother's wife is off galavanting at night (not sure if she's having an affair or not).

Well just found out she added OM back to her friends list on FaceBook on Wed.

I don't know how much longer I can do this....I'm starting to break and I haven't even started Plan B......

I don't want to lose her, but I can't be happy when I'm around her, 'cause all I can think about his what she's doing.

I'm tired of her playing these damn games. They hurt too damn much. We pray together every night, and she always prays for our marriage, but then she continues with the affair. I'm so lost now....

hmmmm.....

Just sent my brother in law a text message, basically telling him I was lost and didn't know what to do anymore. I don't mind talking to him, he's a priest in our church so he's bound to "secrecy" .

He replied back saying he had talked to her yesterday and she said that we were going to try.

News to me. Though she didn't come over yesterday either and I didn't really talk to her much a few texts here and there and then called to pray with her. Didn't get into any relationship stuff.

As far I know she's still talking to OM though. So I'm not sure. I did ask her yesterday via text, if she still wanted the apartment (she can't afford the hotel, neither can I) and she said "yes, but can we talk about things tomorrow?"

So I dunno.

Hmmm... He just texted me again saying he was texting her all day yesterday about it and she had told him that she was going to tell OM she couldn't talk to him anymore, after yesterday because it was OM's birthday. I'm having a little trust issues here....So I dunno.

Sooooo....If what my BL says is true. What are my next steps?

He told her not to rush back home so I don't think she's going to come home right aways, especially seeing she said she still wanted the apartment.

I'm guessing the No Contact letter would be appropriate, don't know if she'll do it though.

Guess continue with Plan A. Make home an inviting place to be and brush up on those EN's. So what does it mean when a woman says she needs more affection. I'm a little rusty here, I know she needs words of affirmation and acts of service (The 5 Languages of Love). She told the MC I haven't been giving her enough affection...I'm not entirely sure what that means though. We have been distant, I guess that means getting off the computer and spending time with her, which I have but she still spends a lot of time on the computer playing World of Warcraft. I've kinda outgrown the game, we used to play all the time, but I started realizing back in October that it was sucking up all our time and we didn't spend any time together. I don't want to get back into that again.