Plan A is not buying her gifts.

Plan A is showing that you are changing into a better spouse by meeting her needs. Conversation, domestic help, picking up the slack, recreation time together.

but I don't know how to have recreation time together when she won't even dare go somewhere with me.
She was SHOCKED as well as her whole family when I moved back in, and let me tell you I had a smile on all night. I am back home with my kids, slept in my bed, watched a movie on my tv.
She did go and stay at a friend's house last night, and yes she works from home and is here right now.
I asked "did you sleep good?" she said No not really. then a little bit later when she was getting ready for work I asked, "Would you like something to eat?" she said "no thank you" then I joked with her and I got this new face mask in the mail which I had trouble putting it on, she said "come here" and fixed in for me we laughed because I couldn't put it on right.

I joked with her today and said "you can wear my facemask if you get to cold" she just laughed and thats how it's going so far, other than her getting on comp to see if OM's best friend wrote her back because the OM seems to be trying to stop communication himself.

Good job keeping the peace, Jon! I would keep the OMW apprised of all the communications between your W and this friend. Do everything in your power to cause as much conflict in the affair as possible.

You are doing great!

how can i ask her to stop contacting these people? she doesn't care if we get divorced, thats what she wants. I have 0 leverage. So far they have only met up and had sex 1 time, but I know she would do it again in a heartbeat if he started sweet talking her again. I will stick to plan A.
what if she comes to me and says "we need to talk" then she says "I no longer want to be with you, I want the divorce". She said even before she met him she wanted out of the marriage but she couldn't get up the strength to hurt me, which I know is probably true. So this OM was having marriage problems and my wife was having marriage problems so they started talking as friends and then she fell in love over 2 months. I want to work things out so bad, but she is SO distant.

She is distant because of the affair. She wants out of the marriage because of the affair. The way you ask her to stop contacting these people is to ask her to stop contacting these people.


Just let her know that you are not interested in divorce and won't be discussing it. If she wants to move out, you can't stop her, but you won't be cooperating in any divorce scheme. If she does file for divorce, let her know you will not cooperate.

In the meantime, cause as much conflict as possible in the affair. Confront her and the OM every time you find evidence of contact. Talk to the OMW as often as possible to keep each other in the loop.

The solution is for you to kill the affair. When that happens, you can attract her back into the marriage.

Jonpen,

It seems to me that you are kind of in panic mode. Try to calm down and be patient. I know it is easier said than done.

I think that the joking, and laughter could go a long way toward recapturing some loving feelings for each other. Keep it up, as well as the other things the pros are telling you.

GOOD JOB on moving back home. That was HUGE.

You can't make her stop talking to OM or poisonous supporters of the affair. You can't control her. You can tell her that the affair hurts you but honestly you're focused way too much on her right now. Reading through your posts it's all about how do you react to things she might do, how do you get her to do (or stop doing) certain things, how do you react to questions she might pose...

It is very difficult, but you must remove your focus from her, and reacting and instead focus on yourself and taking action. This is very important.

Moving home was about you. It was action.

Other things you need to be focusing on:
Eliminating love busters. It sounds like you have a bucketful but the good news is you seem to recognize them. So work hard and diligently on getting rid of ALL the love busters.

Focus on being the best husband you can. Play with the kids, do some housework, ask about her day and her interests **and listen attentively**.

Quit focusing on what she's doing, what she might ask, what she might do. Drop the relationship talk. When she starts on it, change the subject.

Focus on YOU. Focus on consistent ACTIONS.

I am working on laundry and I cleaned the bathroom today. I want this house to be pleasent for myself and in doing so she will see how hard I'm working. She told me she appreciated me doing all the things that I have been doing around the house.
It's so hard to focus on me when I love her so much, but I'm not being fake, I'm just being happy, happy that I am back home with the kids. I am going to take them to the playground today and just have a good time with them.

I understand what you are going through. Mine still wants to be friends with her lover I tried to accept it but could not. You have to tell her you will change for her but she also has to change. I was so messed up that I attemped suicide and she came to me and helped me when I was in the phyc ward in the hospital. So you have to try and show her you really do care for her more than he could.

Pleas stop contact with OM and anyone involved with him.

Really?

Then why have you not been served with divorce papers?

Sorry bud, but thats probably a lie.


Tell her you do not. If she insists on divorcing you she will have to go file herself, you will not do it for her.


Marital history re-right/justification.
All waywards do it.
Stop listening to her!!
The affair is what is causing this, she did not want out until OM came along.


Now, this is very important.

Contact OM's wife and tell her who this friend of her husbands is who is trying to relay messages from OM to your WW. Om's friend may go By-By then.

Do this today, do this now!

ok I contacted her and told her. Also I know from the chat log they only met up once and had sex 1 time, they kept talking about how much they wanted to do it again. I will stop listening her. I will not agree to divorce. I have been very nice to her today and have been doing laundry and cleaning. how can I meet some of her other EN's if she isn't willing? like recreation, I know she won't go anywhere with me alone but maybe soon I can try to plan a family outing. I am competing with another man she is "in love with" and I can't compete with that, but I will keep doing what I'm doing. I wonder if she will sleep in bed with me tonight or on the couch

Good job, what did she say about the friend?

Just say "WW, I would like to go do (Insert fun activity here) would you like to go with me?"

Eventually she will.

They all work together so she is going to talk to the OM's best friend to see what they are saying, also today I took another "pre-caution" on the computer to see whats going on. I will keep you all informed.

OM's BF, is going to lie to her. Does she understand that?

"but I don't know how to have recreation time together when she won't even dare go somewhere with me."


As part of plan A you plan family outings where you invite WW to join you and the kids. WW declines don't sweat it. Just go.
When the kids comeback and tell mom about the fun she missed out on that may motivate her to start joining the family.

Jonpen,

""today I took another "pre-caution" on the computer to see whats going on.""

This is a very good thing. YOU MUST SNOOP!!! Contact the OM's wife. She is going to be your best ally in stopping the A. It was my understanding the OM was trying to work on his M and told your WW as much.

Tell the OM's wife what your WW is up to with the best friend. If you can't call her then do the face book thang.

And, again, can't you contact the OM's best friend and have a man to man discussion. You MUST be pro-active and get onto these people.

If they all work together, didn't HR do anything about it when you exposed the A to them?

I may be wrong, won't be the 1st time, but contacting the wife of OM and the best friend of OM would help to keep the pressure on.

imho

kirk

You need to find the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. You may have it at your local library. Although you do not tell your wife about this website, when you read the book don't hide it. Don't talk to her about it unless she asks and then just simply say something like, "I found reading to be very soothing, would you like cake for dessert tonight?"

As far as doing the family things together, do what the others suggested. Make plans for family outings and invite WW along. If she refuses, don't react, just go out and have an amazing time. Take focus off of making your WW happy and focus on doing the best for your kids.

Don't expect to get a lot of good reactions out of her and don't stop doing things that you know will meet her top 3 emotional needs. It will be extremely discouraging at times. That's okay. Come on here and vent about the ways she is acting and you may be surprised.

One of my WH's top EN is sexual fulfillment, but we had stopped having sex so I had to ask what to do instead. I got a lot of advice on that. I did what was suggested to me but I got reactions that were contrary to good. I would touch my WH and he would pull away from me and make a disgusted noise. I would get hurt my it. I came on here and vented and people told me that I was making him uncomfortable and that was a good thing.

Just Plan A and avoid all Love Busters and focus on yourself and your kids.

jonpen,

You're doing a great job. Keep following the excellent advice you're getting from the pros.


Your WW DOES have the strength to hurt you. The A is proof of that. She just want to keep you around while she figures out how to leave with OM.

Her notes indicate doubts about OM intentions. That's to your advantage. He may stop contact if the A gets too messy.

So keep the pressure on the A. The OM will back off when it gets too hot to handle. Keep using the OMW as your ally. You may want to send a letter to HR in their workplace. There are samples of those letters in other threads of the forum. Many employers will not tolerate As due to the risks of sexual harassment suits. If you haven't, ask her friends at the bible devotional group to support her in making the right decision.

At the same time, keep up your plan A. No LBs. Stay away from relationship talk. I wish I could've found this place at the moment you've found it. So make the most out of this opportunity to recover your marriage. Be strong for your family. You are going to make it.

--ElCamino72

here is another problem i face now. Her family is very upset with me moving back in without discussing it with her. I told them the whole "it's my home" everything but now they say they feel as if i am making them chose sides and they will choose her. I told them to please let me and wife handle it and it will work out. She told her aunt (who owns the house i moved back into) that she will just stay somewhere else and her aunt told her that she didn't want that. Should I talk to my Ws about this because her family is not in favor of what I did at all.

What you should tell her family is that you want them to choose one side, and that is the side of your marriage and what is best for that. DO NOT MOVE BACK OUT. You live there, that is your home and it is where you belong. BTW, who told you what her family said? Was it her? If it was it is probably hogwash anyways.