her aunt told me she said those things. I just looked in her email and the OM's wife on facebook sent her a msg that said "get off of here, what are you doing trying to have more late night chat sessions with my husband!? do yourself and me a favor and delete us both!" my wife told me she said something way different. I am going to talk to her family today and I will not move out. but if my wife keeps staying somewhere else they will feel sorry for her and start pressuring me.

We're all here in similar situations, and although I'm new, I'm starting to have some initial success with Plan A and my WW.

1. Stop panicking. Nothing is going to change overnight. Even if she files for D, it's going to take months. And it takes time for the affair fog to lift so be patient.

2. She is more confused than you are. There's really no point talking to her about your relationship right now.

3. Try to be pleasant. Help out around the house. Be the best dad you can be.

4. Exercise more and watch your diet. You need to look your best. It will make you more confident and make her think you could get someone else if you wanted to.

5. She's lying to you. There's really no point talking to her about the affair. My WW looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I promise we are just friends. There is nothing going on." Remember, it's all lies and confusion. Don't take it personal.

6. Don't appear so needy and desperate. Even if you are, you've got to appear like you're going to be fine either way. Even if she divorces you, big deal, she's a liar and a cheater anyway, and she's embarrassing herself to her family and friends.

7. Start Googling for a good marriage counselor. Needs to be an infidelity expert, not just some run-of-the-mill psychologist. Call him up and talk to him to see if he knows how to handle infidelity and is interested in saving marriages. If not, call someone else. Then see if your wife will go to an appointment with you. If not, go by yourself. But see if she will go to a few sessions "for the kids."

8. Avoid alcohol. If you drink even just one glass of wine or a beer, it can make a person in your state really emotional and you might do something stupid.

Should i tell my WS i want her to stay in the house with me? I won't talk about the relationship or the A but like i said if she keeps staying somewhere else it's going to cause a war between me and her family.

Jon,

You are doing a great job. In plan A you show your WW the family that she is trying to decide to no longer be a part of. Do fun things with your kids. Watch movies, plan outings, make great family dinners. Ask her to join you and smile and say next time when she declines.

The next time her family asks why you came home to stay without talking to your wife about it, tell them that she did not talk to you before she committed adultery. If she had, you would not be in this position.

God' Blessings,

Say

Tough. Who cares what they want. This is between you and your WW. Where are the kids staying? They should be staying in the marital home. If they are, I would document every night your WW spends away from the home. You will need this journal later on if you do get divorced, and what she is doing could very well hurt her in a custody battle.

Either way, I bet your wife is back in the house in a few days. She'll pout and stay somewhere else for a few days, but eventually she'll get over it.

1) Yes, tell her you want her home with you and the children.

2) If her family gets on your nerves, just ignore them. You can recultivate that relationship once you and your WW reconcile.

If she chooses to stay somewhere else how is that you fault? Calmly let her family know that you want what is best for your marriage and that you would love for your wife to be living with you. Explain to them that all you did was move back in to YOUR home to be with your family where you belong. She is probably lying to them about how she doesn't feel comfortably or safe there and that is why they are reacting the way that they are. I really can't see how a family would think that it would be better for you not to be there.

LOVE THIS ONE. I don't think anyone COULD argue with that one.

i don't want to be rude or mean with her family. They were on my side when I was not in the house but now they may not be. My Ws has something to use against me now, when before she had nothing. like I said I will speak with them today and just tell them I have been speaking with a counselor that adviced it or something.

DON'T LIE. Tell them that you are back in your home because that is where you belong WITH YOUR FAMILY. Who gives a rat's butt if they are gonna be mad at you? How is what Saynomore suggested being rude? I think you should use that one and I wouldn't actually initiate contact with them, don't answer the phone when they call and if they come over just calmly say what SNM said.

Focus on Plan A and don't worry about them right now. They are grown ups and they will get over it. Do what is best for saving your marriage. You listened to all of us yesterday and you moved back in. Didn't it feel good to be home with your kids and to sleep in your bed. I warned you she would be mad and now she is pouting and sulking. Let her grow up and learn some consequences of her actions. Don't worry about the inlaws reactions. Christmas this year will be fine if you get a chance to recover your M.

You are doing good keep it up.

Your marriage counselor advised you to move back in because your marriage won't get any better apart, especially if a 3rd party is involved.

A lawyer would advise you to move back in because moving out would be considered abandonment by the courts and you would be losing any claim to custody of your children if she decided to divorce you.

You tell them you understand their feelings, but in the end you have to do what is right for you and what you think is right to save your marriage even if it isn't the popular choice.

Even if they are on your side right now, what the heck has that gotten you so far? They haven't been able to convince her to stop pursuing OM. They aren't really in a position to influence the outcome of your marriage one way or the other. Sure, they'll give you more headaches, but that is about it.

Remember, she could be lying to her family too, telling them what an a--hole you are and how your whole marriage was a sham.

Just don't panic. If they take her side, they take her side.

It's important that you take the high road. Act in the best interest of the kids. Even if you can't save your marriage, at least you'll know you tried your hardest and were the best person and father you could be in an extraordinarily difficult time.

Will she be able to say the same?

I really think you need to move back in. I would not warn her, I would just move back in and when she asks you, I would say, "I think it's best that I am here for the kids". If she asks you to sleep on the couch, then do that. I wouldn't force her out of the house by being too demanding. I am a woman who is very head-strong, not sure how your wife is. But if my husband tried to force me to sleep on the couch or move out, I would be even more angry at him. What you are trying to do is to get her to see you as a caring man again, the one she fell in love with and wanted to marry.

I saw on your posts that you did not treat her well for a long time - well, now is the time to start then. However, you need to realize that her thoughts of you may take some time to change back over (try a few months at the minimum). She may try to contact this man but that will not work out as easily as she might think it could. He has ties and so does she, and the most important thing in this entire situation are the Children.

Be there for your kids, don't let them see you argue..no yelling or name calling in front of them, as this will traumatize them for life.

Let your wife see how gentle and caring you are with your kids, and be gentle and kind with her. Tell her you are sorry for how you treated her and that you want to reconcile. Don't go over the top though, because that behaviour is easily discounted if it seems fake. Be genuine and be honest with yourself, and focus on you right now, Think about how you can be a better husband and father and focus on that. When you start to change your ways, she will notice (hopefully) and she may start to fall in love with you again.

Wishing you much strength during this difficult time!!!

Your a little late, he moved back in last night

She just found out I was in contact with the other man's wife and BLEW UP! She was furious I remained calm all she kept saying is "I want a divorce! It's over I wanted this divorce even before him!" all I would say is "I don't want a divorce I want to try and save our marriage" she would say "I don't want to save our marriage, I don't want to try!"
I was calm and she was yelling and furious. She talked to her relatives and they are going to help her get a lawyer and pay for the divorce.
I am still staying in the house, and i may go stay all night at a friends every now and again but I told her and her relatives i am not moving out. I am not working and in school full time I cannot afford my own laywer, so I may agree to share one if we can agree on everything. She said she wants me to get through school and she will help me do so. What do I do now? I can't fight her because I don't have my own lawyer. should I talk to her about what half of the stuff is mine and how much $$ she is going to pay me while I am in school? She is going to be staying at a friend's or her aunt's, and I promised I wouldn't try and get her for abandonment. we both agreed to joint custody of the kids regardless. please help me, because now is the day I need it most.

Whoa there, slow down!

All WS's freak out when they learn of exposure, that means it's WORKING! They all spew the same garbage, "you just ruined any hope of us working out" "I want a divorce" "you're vindictive"... just think of her as a 2yo throwing a tantrum. You just took away her favorite toy!

Your marriage can survive her anger, it cannot survive with an ongoing affair.

Keep talking recovery, not divorce. If she wants to get one, she can go out and do the legwork.

Are you in a fault or no-fault state?

Funny how she can have sex with a married man, but you cannot talk with the man's wife...

Do you see how rediculous that is?

Im in a no-fault state, I don't at all blame myself. I am prepared for the divorce but i will continue to tell her the entire time I don't want it. How am I going to fight this with no lawyer when she files? I will stay in this house until I am forced by court to leave even though her aunt owns it and we pay her rent for it.
I have $3000.00 school money waiting for me what do I do with it? put it in the bank like usual? I am making her do the leg work and her family will help her they are VERY supportive. keep doing plan A until I'm forced to leave? I'm beyond lost right now.

Jon, have you read any of the other threads on here? That is word for word what everyone here knew that she would say because that is what all waywards say when they discover that their BS is trying to stop their A. You talking to the BW of her AP will end the A.

DO NOT talk divorce with her. Proceed exactly as you have been doing and follow the advice of the good and experienced people on this site that have taken the time out of their lives to try to help you successfully manuever through this mess. We have all been there.

Nothing has changed in your plan since last night or this morning. If her family is willing to assist and even finance the demise of a family that your children will grieve for all of their lives, then they are not friends of yours or your M. You don't need them to save your M.

Please don't panic. Do not stay anywhere but your home. If your WW wants to proceed with a D, let her but let her know that you will not assist in ending your M because you do not want it to end. I highly doubt that she will follow through.

The boards get slow over the weekend so don't despair. It may take awhile but someone will respond to you. Come here and vent. You have been doing fine. Don't change anything at this point no matter what she says or does.

God's Blessings,

Say