Thanks Fred. I hadn't thought about the fact that I may need to use FB status as a tool. Good thinking.

Should I be trying to find out how I can be sure he isn't talking to her on his work email?

Yes. You should be snooping every which way possible. Just don't let on that you're doing it.

Common snooping tools are computer keyloggers, GPS tracking systems, voice-activated recorders (VAR) and even private investigators (P.I.).

It's critically important that you have irrefutable PROOF. Speculation or incomplete data will only serve to drive waywards deeper into secrecy.

RW,

Since you have an appointment with Steve for early next week I would hold off on doing anything until then. The FB exposure can be an awesome tool so keep it in your tool bag for now. Steve will help you develop a plan for how to recover your M. In the meantime, I would strongly recommend that you Plan A the heck out of WH and do not discuss the affair or OW at all. Keep conversations light and fun. Try to enjoy each others company. Go out on a date night. Save all affair/relationship talk for the call next week.

All of that said, keep up your snooping for sure and don't let WH know that you are snooping.

Mindshare

I may have a way to find get the information I need but it depends on another person. I've asekd if they will help me collect information. Hopefully they say yes.

Mindshare I will take your advice and hold off on the relationship talk for the call next week. Hopefully he doesn't bring it up, I'm sure he probaly won't.

Right now I'm feeling pretty hopeless about the situation. I'm not sure if I can forgive someone who has hurt me repeatedly like this. He has never given me a reason for why he got up each morning and chose to stomp all over my heart. I don't understand why he valued his relationship with her kore than our marriage.

I didn't do well with plan a tonight. I had an outburst. I feel bad that I screwed up. I'll just have to start again tomorrow I guess.

Give yourself a break. Plan A is tough. Try not to dwell on what he has done in the past (not forgetting it as some counselors would suggest, but not dwelling on it). Each morning brings a new opportunity to get it right.

It might help you to realize that he didn't wake up every morning saying I am going to hurt my wife today. He was selfish, and thoughtless, and stupid, but a fair number of WS's aren't trying to be mean to their BS. I believe they honestly think they have things under control, until they wake up and realize they have an intimate relationship with someone other than their spouse. STUPID!

It's very hard to love someone who won't admit their mistakes. Hopefully, Steve can get your WS to see that he had an AFFAIR, not a friendship.

Thanks TWC, Plan A is tough. I'mooking forward to our appointment with Steve.

I've started reading SAA today. Last night we went out on a date and we hung out together or most of today. I'm just trying to hold on until our appointment next week.

I finished reading SAA and have learned a great deal from it. The thing that scares me is that I dont trust H to start being honest with me. Those that have been here before what helped you? I can't get into his work email account which is where he did most of his activity. I asked him to take a poly but, that didn't go over well. Probably because it was wrapped in the form of a selfish demand.

Last night we were being intimate and I could not help but think that he possibly could have been doing the same things and more with OW. Also I couldn't stop thinking that he at least was thinking of doing them with her. I wanted to just stop but decided to try and get my mind on other things. Any one else wrestle with this?

RW,

Yes, your feelings are very normal. Many BS's struggle with being intimate with a WS for quite a while.

Glad to hear that you finished SAA. You should try to get your WH to read it as well if you can. It helps alot if you both understand alot of the basic concepts.

Hang in there until your appt. with Steve. When is that appt. by the way?

Mindshare

We had our appt. with Steve today. He spoke with us both just to get some basic info and then spoke with each of us alone. WH's assignment is to write a NC plan and NC letter based on template in SAA which is the same I suggested to him last week. the letter is to be sent by our next appointment. We will try and schedule our next appointment for later this week.

Steve says it's his job to get WH to see that this is an EA and counts as infidelity. WH still believes his only offense is in hiding the "friendship" from me. Seems like it's going to be an uphill battle.

I want to get WH to read SAA as well. I wanted to wait until after the appointment so that I can see whether he's still wanting to work for our marriage. The family memeber that I exposed to called over the weekend and said they want to speak with WH about his behavior.

He still says that he has not contacted OW however; I find it odd that he also says that OW has not tried to contact him. I don't believe it. I was told that both initiate contact so if he stopped emailing her then why wouldn't she have emailed him to see why he's been so quiet? Doesn't add up to me

How often is too often to ask about contact with the OW? I will ask Steve this at our next appointment.

Last question, for FWS out there. Will WH ever get to the point where he actually wants to disclose details to me? I'm the analytical type and feel I must have all details in any situation. I'm trying to give it time and take it easy before I ask for details again. It would of course be nice if I were offered details without asking.

RW, you will not trust your DH for a long time, and that's okay. Just don't make "A" talk the focus of every conversation you have with your DH. You have to balance your need to know with your task of making him feel your Plan A efforts. Try writing down your questions and then setting them aside for a while. Go back to them later and see if you REALLY want to know that. Remember everything your WS tells you about the A (after he is ready to admit that it was an A) will be a memory you have to deal with. I doubt most WS offer up information without being asked, either because of shame or not wanting to hurt their BS.

As for intimacy, that's a tough one. I know that there are still times that in the heat of the moment I sometimes think about what he may have done with the OW or is he reminded of his time with her, but I can usually redirect my thoughts with some effort. I am a strong believer in reclaiming experiences from the OW by doing them with my DH. I want to be his latest good memory.

I too had the issue of contact occurring at work. My DH works in a place that I can't have access to, so there is no way to control his work email or phone. He did get his phone number changed at work but his email is the same. The NC letter gave me some peace of mind, but mostly I had to evaluate whether he was being transparent with me and letting me know when the OW tried to contact him. His actions were the biggest thing that convinced me of his commitment to me.

Thanks TWC. Today's one of those days that I am wondering if it's better to just leave. H has shown no signs of being seriously committed to me and this marriage. He did attend the coaching session but, he's been with me to counseling before. While we were there he made a bunch of promises which none of them came to fruition.

H hasn't written the NC letter or mentioned the fact that he's supposed to compose the letter or the NC plan (I only know this because Steve told me). I'm not going to remind him to do his homework. If he doesn't want to do it then I'll just know he's not ready to work on this marriage.

I wish I could stop going back and forth between wanting to save our marriage and wanting to run far away from here. It would help me do a better job with Plan A. There are so many negative thoughts in my head that sometimes they consume me.

Today has not been a good day. I'm trying to prepare myself for going home this evening so that I don't commit any Love Busters. I've been thinking about all the times I've disregarded the anxiety I've felt twice every week just to attend our church, and all of the other pain that I have had to endure as I watch my H laugh and joke with this girl while we were there. I just can't get it out of my head. A place that I once enjoyed so much has now been ruined to the point that I don't want to go there anymore.

It doesn't help that OW commented on a photo of one of my friends (they don't know what's up) on FB and now her name is in my notification window. I doubt she didn't notice that I had already commented on the pic.

H and I got into an argument today. I tried to keep myself together but, it didn't happen. He's still lying, I have now found out that WH and OW not only email but also talk on the phone while he is at work. His first story was that he only wanted to talk to her those few times. I don't believe that he has not been physical with her. I would like to eventually negotiate that he take a poly graph to prove it.

My head is aching and I am hurt to what feels like beyond repair.

RW, I am sorry... I'm actually angry for you, right at this moment -- wish I could talk to your H and shake some sense into him.

Unfortunately, that's not a plan. I trust others on the forum will chime in more re: what you should do.

How has he been relating to you? What has he been saying? This week (since the conference-call with the counselor), in the most objective view you can give, does it seem to you that he's been doing anything different, anything that makes it appear like he's trying to understand your point of view? How did it happen, your finding out about his phone habits, how long ago were these latest calls, and do you have reason to think it's ongoing?

His parents tried to call and speak to him about it today. He didn't pick up the phone. They said they tried to call several times. At least he now knows that they know.

He hasn't been acting any differently since the call. He has not mentioned his assignments to me so I'm not sure if he has worked on them. That's what makes me believe that either he has contact with OW still or is just planning to let things cool down before he begins again.

I found out that he talks with her on the phone in conversation. I told him that it didnt add up that she has not tried to contact him. He then mentioned that when be spoke to her a couple weeks ago he told her they could not talk and this is why she supposedly has not contacted him. The last time be told me the "truth" about his involvement with her he specifically mentioned that they only email. I called him out on it then he lied about the frequency. He actually told me that he made a number up since I didn't believe that he didn't know. He is still justifying the reason he lied. He actually thinks it was ok for him to lie.

Should I cancel our next appointment with Steve? He's been to MC with me before a couple years ago and pretended that he was going to change so I'm hesistant to spend $ on the sessions for him to pretend and tell Steve what he wants to hear. My thinking is that I could save the funds for moving out if it comes to that. He's made it very clear that he will not leave no matter how much pain and agony it causes me for him to be there. We have a 1 yr old which would make it difficult for me to be on someone's couch.

H still believes he has done nothing wrong. He's acting really heartless, I can't believe I married this man. I'm so sad.