There is no such thing as a "civil divorce." There is such a thing as agreeing to getting ****ed over in a divorce settlement. If she files and you hit her for abandonment, and you get custody, she will unfile. Understand? Sometimes you have to demonstrate a tough love and fighting for your family instead of being a limp you know what conflict avoider.

Again, just wait, she probably won't file if OM is out of the picture, and if she does, she probably won't go through with it if OM is out of the picture. The last things she wants to be is a single mom. She thinks that filing for D and making herself available might convince the OM to do the same.Stay the course. Keep up with plan A. Don't back down. You do what is right for YOU. She doesn't have your best interests in mind, so you shouldn't bend over backwards to be amenable to her.

JP- Okay, so what are you going to do this weekend?

You will wake up tomorrow and Plan A your wife. How will you do that?

You will:

1 Take great care of yourself
2 You will LOOK good
3 You will smell good
4 You will play with your children(maybe pull out a board game or something)
5 You will do things around the house
6 You will smile and laugh
7 What are you going to make for dinner?
8 Is there something around the house that needs to be fixed or done that you have been putting off? If so, do it.
9 You will eat well and get some sleep(I know it is hard to do but you have to take care of yourself)
10 You will tuck your children in to bed and you will sleep in your own bed.
11 DON'T GIVE UP.

Then what should you do Sunday? Repeat the above steps.

I don't think your WW will be able to serve you papers on a weekend.

What should you do on Monday? I would suggest you find out if you can get a free legal consult so you can be ready and not fear what would happen if she were to file for D. All the while Plan A.

Take it minute by minute, hour by hour. You are better off than you were 36 hours ago. See that. Be proud of what you did in that short of time and who knows in 2 years you may be amazed at where you were now and what you accomplished.

MB isn't a quick fix, it is your best chance. Hold on to that. Even if it goes the D way, you will know that you did EVERYTHING you could. That is how I get through.

You can Plan A and still disabuse her of that notion.

"Darling, I love you more than words can say. I love the children we have. I love the life we have built together. I believe we can have a legendary, amazing marriage if we follow Dr. Harley's program for marital recovery.

"My love for you is too great to ever divorce amicably. If it ended, I could never see or speak to you ever again. I could not endure the pain.

"So I will keep fighting for you, just like I am right now. To show you the man I can be. To show you I can meet your needs. To show you that I have learned to never be the source of your unhappiness. To protect and cherish you, 'til death do us part."

Then the hard part. Follow through on those words EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Note I'm not a vet. I'm just learning to separate the wheat from the chaff of advice here... and inevitably those things that are consistent with Dr. Harley's procedure for recovery lead to better results than those which aren't.

BINGO. QFT.

Your so right Scotland, thank you! you all know how I am thinking better than I do, you have seen it, heard it, and lived it. I am just NOW experiencing it. The OM is 100% out of the picture, My WS has been out of contact with him for around a week, she knows it's over with them. He contacted her today only to tell her I contacted his wife, thats when she BLEW up and I am proud of how i handled that, so well she was VERY apologetic all day about it :)I will try to get free consultation asap. She will be gone all day tomorrow because "she had to get away" her Aunt is taking her out. We still talk and laugh like nothing even happened but she still keeps trying to bring up D which I deflect everytime and say "I don't want the divorce you do" she said "you HAVE to talk about the divorce and how were going to split everything" I said "I don't HAVE to talk about anything and I won't talk about the D" then I changed the subject and we were back to talking normal again

You rock, Jon! You have grown so much in the last two days.

God's Blessings,

Say

Doormat thats good advice. Next time she says she wants to be civil after the divorce i will say "I would not be able to be around you due to the pain I would endure everytime I seen you, because I love you so much, I do not want to be the source of your unhappiness and I made a vow to love and cherish you til death do us part and I will honor that vow"

Jon,

Calm down. Ease up on the D concerns.

Initially I made the mistake of talking about the mythical "amicable divorce" with my WW. This turned into an almost daily conversation where we started to plan for D arrangement that would be "beneficial" for all of us. Needless to say, that was a big mistake.

Then I started to be firm with her that I wouldn't agree to D. At some point I made her clear that D conversations were hurting me. It became a boundary for me and eventually I made a decision to stop tolerating it. She'd still pull the D card everytime she wanted to intentionally hurt me.

I did consult with a lawyer (best in town) but mostly to be informed, prepared and to block her from using that lawyer. I never told my WW that I went to a lawyer though.

One day she started to talk about D and I called her bluff. I asked her what was stopping her. I also stated that I wasn't going to lay down for a civilized D. After that she started to be more careful about D threats.

I am not saying you do that now. Just be aware that D threats may be a form of manipulation and all WW use it to justify their A. Especially during withdrawal.

How long does a typical D takes in your state? Consider that if you contain the A and stick to plan A she may be out of withdrawal before a D can be finalized. Additionally, she may have more to lose financially in a D - especially if you keep custody. So even if she files, she may reconsider it after she realizes what it's going to cost.

Let go of the fear of WW's reactions - including her filing for D. Your are just starting so get into the mentality that this is going to be a long and hard process. The best way to make it through it to focus on the plan.

--ElCamino72

Well I live in TN so here we have a law that says we have to go through 6 month counseling for the kids b4 the D is final. I will deflect ALL D talk.

That law gives you the benefit of time - where I come from, you can be divorced in as little as 2 months. That means if you don't cooperate with the D, it could take well over a year to finalize. So if she files for D (which may not happen anyways), you can have time to gain her love back. Be guarded but do not be overly concerned at this point.

I think you may be better off by deflecting D conversations for a little while. You may be giving her a weapon to hurt you if you respond to her D arguments. You can consider to wait and see for a few days before responding anything other than "I don't talk about D. There's a new show on TV tonight. Wanna watch it?". Right now she doesn't care about how you'd feel if you D so it may not be worth it to express your feelings about this issue. Avoid showing your weaknesses.

Her ideas about D might just die off when she understands that the A gig is over. So make it difficult for the A to revive. She might try to contact OM so don't underestimate the possibility that he can be back in the picture.

You are doing good in working to gain your M back. Keep it up.

--ElCamino72

Jon,

I just read through your whole thread. Erase from your mind the idea that you can have an amicable divorce. That's a fantasy that only exists in Hollywood.

Here's the reality if you do divorce:

It will hurt like he77 for a while. You will go through an anger stage where you literally hate her and hope she gets run over by a truck.

You will then get over that and accept the new reality.

You will then be grateful she's not longer in your life and feel indifference towards her. You will literally not think about her and even be annoyed when people ask you questions about her as if you know what's going on in her life. You don't and you really don't care.

You will lament that your kids live in split homes, but you accept the new reality and only talk to your ex when you absolutely have to. You'll likely meet someone else and fall in love again and may even see her as a massive improvement over your current wife.

In other words, life goes on.

If you do divorce it will be ugly, but I encourage you to settle quickly on a shared custody arrangement since that is the greatest threat to men. Unless you have some solid hard hitting evidence that she's a bad mom they will not take the kids from her or give you full custody.

However, if you do go down that path, be prepared to fight a merciless war.

Now, that being said, I do hope she comes to her senses. I merely wish to say to you that acting like a man is more attractive to a WW than anything else. Being weepy and whiny is not. I say that being guilty of doing exactly that. I did not follow the advice given to me on these forums and fell for the "lets make this amicable" dog and pony show.

It's a fantasy.

I think there is nothing wrong with drawing a line in the sand and clearly saying that you will not talk about divorce and don't want her to bring the subject up to you anymore. If she wants a divorce, then she can discuss it with your lawyer. Bluff if necessary, though I do advise you to consult one just in case.

How old are your kids?

Read other threads on here. There's many men who have been in your shoes, dealt with the withdrawl of a WW, and recovered their marriages. I truly hope that happens for you.

When she feels miserable or says that she doesn't want to be in a loveless marriage, agree with her. "I don't want to be in a loveless marriage either. We can build a new one together."

There's a lot of fog babble that will come your way. Imagine Charlie Brown's teacher when you're hearing it.

Seriously, read other threads on here and see how typical your situation is. It will help you learn lessons you can use for yourself.

Just understand that no matter what happens, life goes on and you will survive and be ok.

Not saying it's easy, but you'll be ok.

Follow the MB advice. Don't be surprised if he tries to contact her sometime or vice versa.

Don't react to her blow ups. Expect them. She's going to act crazy.

Do not stop snooping. She's not trustworthy right now.

Do not be ashamed of snooping.

Act with confidence even though you don't feel it.

Google "The 180 and Infidelity". It's decent guide on how to act during this time. It's a guide. It's not hard and fast rules.

But most importantly, enjoy your kids. Act as if life is going on for you and she can join you or stew in her misery if she chooses, but you will choose to live.

Best of luck.

I am going to keep trying. sometimes I just feel like giving up and letting it all happen, We all know how much easier that would be, but I will fight.

the A is over. they only talked for 2 months and she was on "In love" for 2 weeks, they only had sex 1 time. The are not my assumptions but facts from the details of the conversation between them. So that being said she will hopefully come out of the fog sooner than usual.

Honestly, she seems to be talking about D TOO much for me to believe her. It's like she's just throwing it in her face because she blames you for interfering in her relationship with OM. My WW used to throw the D word out alot. She made a point to look through the yellow pages for attorneys right in front of me, just because she thought it would hurt me. Again, this was right after exposure, so she was angry as heck and looking to lash out. If she does file, you've still got up to a year to convince her to drop the motion. Time is still on your side, and if OM is no longer in the picture, you've got a pretty good chance.

I strongly suggest that you don't commit yourself to any "deals" or "agreements" with an active WW.

You got such good advice from so many. This takes time to turn around. Don't dispair.

I feel so discouraged today. I keep wondering if this is what I really want. Everyday I feel totally different. I seem to think I am an attractive man, I am in shape, I'm active and I think I'm handsom. I see so many other beautiful woman I can't help but wonder. . . Se my wife let herself go. When we got married she was 5'8 and weighed 110 lbs and was a knockout! I have always been attracted to petite girls. After the 2 kids she is now up to 185 lbs and still has stretch marks very bad.
She may diet for a month and lose 5-10 lbs but then she is just right bad to eating bad and she NEVER exercises.
Physically I'm not that attracted to her anymore but I do love her with all my heart and she is the mother of my 2 kids and when we used to do stuff together we had a blast. Thats what attracts me to her. I just keep asking myself "is it really worth it?" Some days my whole heart is in trying to repair the marriage other days like today I just don't even care.

She just called me for the first time in who knows when to "check in on the kids" she hasn't called me since this was going on she has always just text me. Not sure if it's a good sign or not because she is with her aunt (the one helping finance the divorce) but it was still unusual for her to call.
I am just now seeing "the big picture" as to how much work this is actually going to take and it makes me wonder if it will even be worth it.

Jon, try not to read anything in to anything that she says or does. You have gotten excellent advice. Read back through it and read as many of the other threads start to finish that you have time to. This journey is not an easy one. Some days you will feel like you are going crazy.

Plan A is for you, Jon. It is to make you a better person, husband, father. Train yourself not to expect a positive reaction from her to anything you do. Find the thread on reverse babble and read it.

Someone said this process is a crockpot not a microwave. Truer words were never spoken. You have made tremendous progress since you first posted. Try not to become discouraged and if you do come here first.

God's Blessings,

Say

I have looked for the reverse babble thread and can't find it