LLL, I've been married 32 years and have been in recovery since 2003. I didn't find MB until after it was all over and FWH came home, but I have learned so much about personal and marriage recovery since finding it. I devoured it and it has paid off.

I hear you about the age thing, I'll be 53 this year and I shudder to think about starting over again. In my heart though, I know that I probably wouldn't do it again. If my DH ever cheated on me again, I would be done with marriage completely-- my personal choice.

The thing is, all the stuff that your WH was saying to you is TYPICAL-- right out of the wayward handbook. While they're wayward there is NO talking to your DH-- he's not there. When I talk to my DH now about the things he said back then he is incredulous, horrified and embarrassed.

Oh, by the way, my DH just graduated from Bible School and was recently ordained as a minister. He went from being a cheating, lying drunk to a wonderful man of God and awesome husband.

Personally, I think you should expose (to the university, to WH's and OW's colleagues, and to common friends). THEN go to a dark, dark Plan B, while you get your legal ducks in a row. Any communications should go through an IM of your choosing (the friend/former BS you talked about earlier might be a good one).

If you do file, as petitioner you control the flow of the case. You'll be able to stall it, fast-track it or dismiss it, depending on whether your WH gets his act together. I dismissed our divorce case three days before it was final.

Your WH really needs to experience life without you completely in it and force OW to meet ALL of his needs. You must be meeting some needs for him now or he wouldn't be balking about divorce.

I used to say recovery was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life-- until my DH was diagnosed with cancer. There was a recent period where I wasn't getting an EN meets because of his health-- talk about resentment trying to rear it's ugly head (lol!). It's not for everyone. It takes a very STRONG person to carry it off-- especially since the BS is the one who carries the load pretty much at the start. That doesn't last. Resentment is a BIGGIE in recovery, so are triggers.

Have you called the coaching center? That would be your BEST bet. But as far as your WH, he is typical, just like most of the ones we read about here.

Whether you decide to divorce or give your marriage a shot, most of us understand and will support you. Just don't make any RASH decisions based on what your WH says-- that would be a HUGE mistake at this point.

I was 54 when I found the damning text messages that turned my life upside down. Funny but my age never entered my mind. DH and I were financially secure but far from wealthy. I had not even confronted my FWH at this point in your journey. I monitored his cell phone and his time and watched him and conversed with him as though I were watching a movie or it was happening to someone else.

I admit that in spite of my agony it was an interesting 10 days. I used them to gain the upper hand emotionally and to observe him with the full knowledge that he was committing adultery. I planned the confrontation and my plan A was so good that he never saw her and only talked to her once during that time. She continued to frantically text and try to arrange time with him.

I was fully prepared for him to stay or leave. I even had my budget worked out and knew what I would need from him to continue my lifestyle. I also knew that if he was totally repentant I was willing to allow him to stay and work on us. Looking back it was cold and calculating and it felt like the twilight zone. I am not cold or calculating but my whole being switched into survival mode.

Your actions and reactions have been remarkable, LLL. You will be fine whatever happens.

God's Blessings,

Say

LLL,
I am still following and concerned for you, and will venture some more observations/questions/advice.

You asked who you should expose to. I continue to think you should consider exposing OW to your husband with the information about her. Unless the info the PI got was not really all that bad or not substantiated. I think I'd ask PI for a written report on her. If it looks very thorough and professional and, most importantly, damaging, then I'd mail a copy of the report to him at work.

Did you ever contact the guy or wife whose marriage she broke up?
If you did so by email and got responses, you could send those along with what the PI found.

Has PI followed OW to see if she's being faithful to your H?
Ask your 'friend' what else she knows. (after what this woman had been through, I can't believe she didn't tell you)

The dogs are like children in this case. They are a responsibility that I doubt your H wants to have move in with him and Hot Pants. Even in his clueless state, he still has enough presence of mind not to dump any responsibilities in her lap or any LBs.

Having said all of the above, there is also another approach that sort of gets to the core. Just a thought. This is the opposite of what anyone 'in their right mind' would do, but if any of it rings true, you might consider doing something like this.
How about having a florist deliver roses to his office, a huge big bunch of them, accompanied by a gift wrapped copy of His Needs Her Needs, with a note saying something like. "I still want you in my life and my wish is to have us reunite as the partners, friends, and lovers I know we can be. I've read this book and been deeply affected by how right on it is in every way. It seems we are not as unique as we would like to believe we are. Please, all I ask is for you to read it. I want only good things for us. I want to be all I can be and I want the same for you. I think our best chance at reaching our greatest human potential lies in repairing our relationship. I have not always acted out of concern for you; I have not always been your friend. I take full responsibility for that, and I am willing to change. It is very hard for me to write this now when my heart is so broken, when my ego is telling me to take the easy way out, or, worse, to hurt you in some way. I assure you I will protect myself if I have to, but why should I have to? One of my happiest memories of you was ............. Can you reflect on that long enough to tolerate my plea, to take time to read the book? Your wife,

Important if you do write such a letter: it should not mention the OW or his A (as if she does not exist or is not the problem). You ask nothing of him but to reflect on your history together and to read some sound advice from people highly respected in their field.
Only if he demonstrates a desire to try, do you lay down the laws, going by the book. In this case His/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.

Another option would be to hand deliver them yourself, say 'these are for you' and LEAVE, as in quietly excuse yourself. The most you could say would be something like. "I'm not good at talking now, so I want you to read this letter. Please respect that for now."
It would take guts, but you showing up with roses in your adulterous husband's office with calm dignity is a form of exposure and negates any trashing of you he has probably engaged in.

I know I'll be ridiculed for suggesting the flowers approach, but these are desperate times and any suggestion is an option. It is hard, even though we read about each other, to know each others' hearts and strengths. Looking back, I realize, though I didn't do roses, I did do a letter along those lines. My letter was much longer and of course tailored to our lives. My H had gotten so he wouldn't even look at me, let alone listen to me when we were supposedly having a conversation.

I think you are a remarkable woman. If nothing else, let him know what he will lose if he follows the path he is currently taking.

LLL,
I just reread saynomore's last post. It brought chills as I remembered functioning/disfunctioning in the exact same way. I felt like a puppet or robot doing things I never thought I'd be capable of doing.

LLL, how are you doing? I hope things haven't taken a bad turn... I'm worried, I can't say why.

LLL, your H agreed to save the M and go to conceling.
If I were you, I would schedule a meeting with Harley for couple conseling and give it a try. You decided for how long you want to try. You rightfully said you do not want to bend backwards and spend years to save the M, but give it a limit...2-3 months? After that if H has made no progress in ending the A then you can D.
I am telling you this because it my H were to say now he wanted to save the M I would jump at the oportunity...and this is his 2nd A. I want to save the M..., but I please ask you to give it a shot even if you are not on the same page as I am.
blessing

And yes, exposure is not going to guarantee saving your M.,,so talk to the Harleys before you expose. And yes, most marriages end after and A because R is not for everybody and the resentment, triggers, etc..can make your life h#ll and not everybody can and should put up with that.
But MB does work if BOTH people are willing to give the M a try. You will feel much better later on even if you D because you can tell yourself "I tried everything..even counseling with the Harleys..and it did not work...he just would not end the A"
blessing

I disagree woth Road. I think you are best seved thinking about the practicalites of divorce. Thinkong about your material possessions is a good idea. Many folks are so beaten down by the infidelity, they cave and give away the store.

The Road is prematire in the assessment that your actions will not cause the affair toend. No one can know this, at this point.
You acte with dignity and quite appropriately, IMO.
Stick to your guns re your requirements for considering continuing in the marriage. Unleash your lawyer.
No one I know would think poorly of you for doing post divorce exposure. You will not look at all vindictive for simply acting ethically and alerting the government re the misuse of grant funds.

Jayne241....thanks for your concern. I'm on the run today....Charity Board meeting this morning for 3 hours, then luncheon, I'm home for about an hour and a half and then heading out with dogs and my sister to her weekend place to get away from this stuff and clear my head a little. Haven't seen or heard from H since our meeting yesterday. Didn't come home last night.

Be back in a couple of days.

I agree with Kayla that the dating pool is limited. But, why do folks assume that a BS getting divorced necessarily wants to form another relationship? I am single and unattached and have been for about 4 years. it is so much better than anything i have expierienced in years. No need to compromise or deal with absurd drama. Sex is readily available, if that is a desire. Financially one is better off , ofetntimes, not having to carry someone elses's load.
I would bet you will have a blast, after the initial pain subsides/

SF can be gained in a variety of ways if you're unmarried, so that should be the least of worries.

And Zelmo, it sounds like the George Clooney route is serving you well.

Zelmo, why do you seem to encourage every new poster who comes on this site to go right to Plan D?

It's Zelmo's purpose. If he weren't doing it, someone else would.

And remember the old saying, "Even a stopped clock is right twice a day."

SF outside of marriage is not for everyone. Christians are to refrain from sexual immorality.

If I were to divorce my H, I don't think I would ever want to marry again, so that would be the end of my sex life.

This is inaccurate. But, with the continually unremorseful WSs, I think that is the best course. You cannot reconcile with someone who has no remorse and refuses to accept 100% responsibility for the affair, IMO.
So far, after confrontation and discussion, LLL's husband has refused to accept that he is cheating and he shows no remorse or compassion. No sense continuing to expose oneself to this abuse, IMO.

I agree. But, for those who do not adhere to this type of belief, there is access.

Actually, Fred, there are many examples of posts where I have advised giving it a try. I have no problem with trying to reconcile when the WS owns his/her stuff and is willing to do the work. I am sickened, however, by cases where the Ws continues to abuse the BS. In those situations, I do think one is best served by getting away from the abuser and healing.

Sex without attachment is a very dangerous thing, especially to any future committed relationship. Casual sex builds a habit and way of thinking and feeling that is not conducive to a healthy marital relationship.

Just sayin Z - it's not just a religious thing. It's a psychologically healthy thing to not be casual about sex.

I completely agree with this, at least as it applies to me. I have never had casual sex, although it has been offered a lot. I have been married twice. I was a virgin until my first marriage and have only had sex with my wives.

However, I have noticed that folks are all along the continuum on how sacred they hold this activity. I feel it is sacred and has meaning. Seems many of the women I have encountered since becoming single view it as a mere pleasurable bodily function with no significance. So, I stay clear of those types.