Very good news about the coaching I am so pleased it is working.

Sorry to hear about the loss of the baby. They say the degree of grief equals that of discovering an a.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS and lets hope 2010 is an improvement on 2009 I have a feeling it will be

Hey everyone hope you have all had a good xmas and a belated Happy new year to everyone.

I am sorry I havent been able to update you lately but things have been really hectic.

I think the best was to update you is to break it into issues.

1) Marriage

Things are going ok, since the last coaching session that i spoke about on here things have been steady and the words that Steve has shared with both of us have really affected my H. yes we have had arguments yes things arent perfect but they are a long way from where they where when i joined the site, WS has better understanding of what it will take to save this marriage.

2) Jobs

Ws has left his job as of the beginning of January, basically he got angry that he is constantly being punished at work for his mistake yet everyone accepts that the OW is a whore therefore its ok for her to behave that way. He is currently taking out a grievence against his company for victimization and eccessive disciplinary actions that they have taken against him since his A. He feels that although he has done something wrong professionally by having an A this does not mean he has to be continuousely and daily punished for it at work. I dont really care about whats happening to him at work im just glad he isnt going off every evening to work with OW. However this means that he is Jobless and unpaid while this grievence against work is investigated, I am working 6 days a week doing double shifts to support the family while he is at home with the kids. Its hitting me hard and i dont get to see the kids but then it feels worth it just so he wont ever have to see the OW again. I will never be able to earn as much as he did but im trying my best to budget so we can survive next month. This unfortunately means i cant afford any further coaching with Steve until he is employed again.

3) WS Xmas Party

Yes I did go and yes i did behave and no i didnt speack to OW or even acknowledge OW. Was phisically sick twice but no one saw, this was due to the OW turning up in a mini dress and having her hugely obese legs on display, kept immagining those legs around my H and just was sick. Had great support though from WS managment team and the night went off pretty uneventful. alot of WS colleagues thought that he has choosen OW to cheat with because he had a pig ugly whife at home, they met me at the Xmas party and they all were shocked that I wasnt what they thought i was. WH direct manager even said in front of me "What the hell where you thinking going near that when you have such a beautiful wife at home?? you must be really stupid". OW was unfazed by my presence and took her mother to the party although was very odd to be approached and chatted to by her close friends thoughout the evening, all were friendly and just wanted to get to know me. How messed up is that?? they were the same women calling me mad and idiotic and her a saint when the A was exposed. Oh well point made anyway and proud of the way i behaved. I did have an overwhealming urge to throw a pack of condoms at her and tell her to do us all a favour and learn how to use them but i didnt, i do regret not doing that but hey thats just me. WS was good there wasnt too much affection as he knew i was feeling creaped out, but was there when i needed him.

Did have very hard time the day after the party where it felt like all was gone now. what do i do with myself now?? i had been preparing for that evening for a good 6 months, had no idea what to do or where to go from there and hit an all time low.

Issues now

I dont really have any particular issues with M right now, im just overworked and exhausted from the long shifts at work. I am anxious and panicky about our future and the income issues we have but i dont have enough time to dwell on that inbetween sleep and work.


Thats it for me everyone. xx

Hi BH,

Apart from the financials, it all seems to be good news.
Keep it up!

TM

Hi my dear friend;

so glad to see you back, have been thinking about and wondering about you and family since the holidays. So sorry to hear about your friends losing their baby. my prayers are with them.

Well, glad to see X-mas party was handled, just try to find closure with OW and that. Might seem like a big hole filling up that emotional space, but just give it time something else will come along hopefully alot more positive. i myself am having horrible time with closure.

Glad, glad, glad WH left his job, hope all gets figured out there. i know how worrisome it is to deal with finances, we do it every week, however; the relief you feel has to be worth it....hang in there.

Hey TM and BB so sorry to read your threads my heart really goes out to you.
TM I still hold hope that your WS will wake up and see what a wonderful person he has at home rather than the freack he has shacked up with but only time will tell. I really admire your strength through this and really hope it all pays off in the end.

BB have caught up on your thread and all I can say is WOW! u have had a rough time. I did want to write on your thread but I dont know if my opinion will be helpful as I think your WS does not deserve the benefit of the doubt at this stage and if you suspect that he has broken NC then in my opinion he has broken NC its a case of guilty until proven innocent. Trust has to be earned and im sorry hun but he has not done much to earn it. He should have been the one to come to you giving you totall transparancy not u chasing him for it. He says he understands what devastation he has caused the family yet does not act like he does. My next step with him would be total exposure, friends family and kids, see if that drives the point home. If thats too hard for you to do then ask for her email address and confirm with her that NC is in place, yes she may lie and say it is but atleast you have some of her details in case of emergency verification and also that might scare him into full disclosure. I know you dont want any contact with OW and I understand that MB would not support it but you need to get all the facts and there are 2 people who might be able to give them to you, you have tryed WS but he is still not fully disclosing so that leaves OW or give up on ever finding out the truth for sure.

My update today is still the same, went to work got back and WS has helped around the house so feel relaxed. Still there is an inner calm that has descended in this household since they stopped working together, I feel more at ease, I dont think about the A every second of the day. Its fading.
Just trying to concentrate on the positives that atleast we are all healthy and together the rest is just life issues and money doesent matter so much to me as long as the kids got food and clothes i dont care about anything else. This too shall pass in the mean time im working hard and still supporting my friend with her loss of her child, she has really struggled but at last has found the streanght to arrange the funeral for february 3rd so thats one less thing to worry about and I can start to refocus on my own family for a while.

Hey everyone

things are still the same im working, hes at home looking after the kids NC with OW, feeling exhausted all the time but its worth the peace of mind I get from knowing he might never have to see her again. I wonldnt say we are happy though as now the A is fading the original issues with the marriage, ie lack of communication his cronic selfishness and not meeting or understanding my ENs are apparant and becoming an issue again.

I have been doing more reading and came accross the POJA can anyone here help me clarify whats this all about, how to set it up what it means and give me examples of how it applies?? I have read about it but i dont think i quite get it. Appreciate any input.

thanks

Ok ventig for a sec here.

I dont know why the thread regarding WS not using protection was locked as I needed to add to it but hey thats just that

Herer is my gripe.

For you peeps that are familiar with my thread my WS did not use protection, i got mild STD and its one of the things that annoys and angers me most about the A, felt violated almost raped as he introduced someone elses body traces into mine without my knowledge etc, dramatic maybe but I was breastfeeding my child at the time and feel that he put my baby at risk (if not me) by bringing home that filth to me.

So recap over WS read and told me about the thread regarding WS not using protection during A, and guess what!! He used it as JUSTIFICATION as in "see that hun im not the only one not to use protection"!!!!

resisted the urge to beat him to death with the laptop!! Resisted the urge to argue told him calmly that i was disappointed that thats the only thing he took notice of in that thread and that i would have liked him to have looked at the fact that there is a whole thread about it and that because its something that does matter to BS and hurts.

The facts are that he did take Condoms as it was a prearranged sexual contact and the only reason he didnt use them is because he was scared they would hinder his performance, basically he is a selfish A$$ in my opinion. Yes WS are selfish during A etc but this man is something else. Dont like him much right now.

Have you read the section on POJA on the website POJA

A recent discussion form the recovery board. Focussing on POJA when only 1 spouse is on board Recent discussion on POJA

Hey everyone just need some opinions please on things at the moment.

So Affair over, NC in place, LB's in check and recvery seems to be in process, images at bay unless triggered but this is becoming more reasonable than in has been. FWS working on himself and meeting my EN's. So why do I still feel so strangely shut off?? I know I should feel lucky that finally things are improving after a year of hell and that he has finally stopped making moronic comments re A and that with your help and Steves help he understands as much as he is ever going to understand a obout the pain caused. I just feel exhausted and spaced out, work then come home and sleep. Whats the matter with me??? can anyone shed some light on this? Im starting to feel like im one of those people who is just never going to be happy about anything.

Second thing I need advice on is that due to his job loss and the loss of income we are unable to carry on coaching for now, so now we are left to our own devices we are a bit stuck, im looking into the POJA and have read up about it but still dont quite get the practicallity of it so still looking for examples to clarify it. Have ordered his need her need book from amazon and will be reading that together, also FWS has bought books about something called emotional intelligence, it appears to both of us that his lack of emotions are due to lacking emotional intelligence and this is something he is interested in looking into. Im supportive and giving him his space to do so and he is aware im here if he needs to discuss any of it.

what else should we be doing now??

Im struggling with SF big time I find it really unpleaseant and hard to be intimate with him not because i dont find him attractive but because I have totally shut him off emotionally I still agree to SF whenever he wants it but its more of an excercise rather than pleasure.
Although he is at home all the time I find that I rather avoid him or do something mindmumbing like watching TV together than spend time with him because whenever we are together I am used as a threapist to talk about what he is experiencing and learning about so its just strange all round. Even if we could afford to go out for a "romantic" meal I feel like I would be dreading it as have nothing left to say to him or talk about.

have I fallen out of love with him?? is it just because im overworked and having no "fun" at all, is it just the way things go after a trauma like an A?? I really dont know. He seems to be more loved up than ever I feel so sorry for him that I am so cold and shut off.
Any advice would be appraciated.

Hi BH28,

You know I am no expert. I am trying to put myself in your shoes. I don't think I would have a problem with the SF, not having had it for so long.

But I can understand the conversation problem and the dreading that all you can discuss is feelings resulting from the affair. I had a similiar issue with WS before I knew what was going on. He couldn't carry on a conversation and I would wonder what had happened and could I really live with a man who couldn't converse? Of course, the problem was he couldn't talk about what was going on in his life in case he slipped up and I started asking awkward questions. Now, you don't have that danger but it seems that there is nothing else going on in your joint lives other than the recovery.

Can you do something at home that requires you to talk about the subject? Maybe learn a language that you can practise with each other or cook meals together that you can decide together? Maybe you could get some brochures and plan your next holiday together. I don't know what sort of things you are interested in but it will take your mind off other things and it is better quality time than watching tv.

Hang in there.

TM

I struggle with getting close at times too BH28. I made a revelation the other night though: We did have this kind of very dubious arrangement whereby if I got a massage I would have sex. THe other night it dawned on me that there is another way to look at this.

Now J gives me a massage and this can help me get in the mood for sex. I don't look at it anymore in the way that he is doing it just for sex and that this is my payment for having sex.

To get away form relationship talk: can you plan anything together? Are you able to work togther on the job hunting?

Do you have a laptop? J and I have been taking the laptop to bed with us and just researching (our new pup). Any child realted problem or parenting prob that you could research together? - or get ready for the next stage in your childrens life? Or research a country - plan a dream trip (imagine a lottery win). Or play a game.

If you have fallen out of love with him, that is no biggy. You know how MB works. You know that it is possible to fall back in love. HNHN will be a good book for you, but I'd take it easy if you are not doing anything else together- try to do something else that avoids relationship talk aswell.

BTW - How is your friend doing?

Hey TM thanks for the advice ill start thinking up possible things we could do that does not involve much "us" conversations as to be honest im in no mood for those talks either, I dont want him to find out that im getting over him and in a way I have stopped caring. I do still value the friendship we have and dont want to hurt him until i sort my own mind out.
Whats your update by the way??

Thanks Staytogether SF is difficult because of the lack of emotional connection, I dont mind massages etc but i feel selfish asking for them for some weird reason, the issue here is that FWS is a very quiet lover and this drives me insane, it allows my mind to wonder during SF and then it gets uncomfortable if there was communication or any expression during SF on his part I could get lost in the act but he is so quiet and reserved it just highlights the lack of connection and i catch myself grimcing during SF. I have gently spoken to him about this problem that I need "reassurance noises" during SF as im getting tiered of hearing my own voice during the act but he has not taken much of it on board. Im now shy in that department and we do communicate well but he has a very fragile ego and im in no position to tamper with that by spelling out the problem in that department. He has always maintained that he likes everything i do and appreciates our bedroom life even more now he has seen how bad S can be with someone else and I do always tell him im happy to get any feedback on anything he would like to do differently etc but im always met with "everything is perfect" attitude so dont know how to approach that yet maybe wait for the harley coaching to restart and see what he says.

Tryed the lottery thing last night out of fun even before i read your reply and it went well, we took laptop to bed and just planned out ideal house etc, so thanks for that, will see if there is a project we can get stuck into together.

The her needs his needs book is on its way as well as the one about emotional IQ so looking forward to learning something new, i dont have any expectations so anything is a bonus.

Thanks for asking about my friend she is doing remarcably well although it has taken a long time to arrange the babys funeral due to the holidays, the funeral is on wednesday february 3rd and i am concerned thats when the reality of what has happened to her will hit home. I am only concerned that she is refusing to tell anyone about the baby passing away, there are mums on the school run that stare at her wondering why she isnt pregnant anymore and why she hasnt got a baby with her, I had to force her to tell the teachers at the school where our kids go what happened because they could help with the handling of her two children etc. She just want to go on as if nothing happned and although i understand why she is acting this way I fear for her sanity when the pain catches up with her. All i can do is pray for her and support her for now, but i cant help feeling i should do more.

Some people deal with pain differently than others. Don't press them to show their pain.

When my grandfather died I was the only one who didn't cry. I was grateful that no one tried to push me into talking about it. Let them mourn how they want.

Hey BH,

so sorry you find yourself struggling so. I have read your updates and struggle with anything to say. please know you have my support and prayers, my heart is heavy for you.

i can only say that in my case as well, i have often wondered, espeially after the weekend away, and the week that followed, is all this in vain. what if after all this he comes back to me and i find i don't want him anymore? why work so hard to see the payoff that you might not want anymore?

then i think of the last 9 months and all the effort that has gone in to dealing with the vicious threat in our marriage and realize that after that threat was recognized, dealt with and positive steps put into place so that it can never happen again, i was free to see the problems and issues that still plagued my marriage. they had not gone away just because he chose to step outside our vows. in fact, they might have been made worse. because for better or worse and kind of betrayal causes us (or at least me) to see anything in two different eras....before affair and after affair.

i can honestly say my thinking, my opinions, my responses to things are different. so if i am different, i can only assume he is as well. what if i don't like this "new" person. what if i truly cannot act on the love i say i have for him. what if i continue to evolve into something he no longer desires or wants. what if i no longer desire him? all of the questions plague me at times. i can only hope they are normal concerns.

on the good days, i continue to make and adhere to the positive plans we have put into place. on the bad days i follow the plan because it is there. i think i am still in shock sometimes and my emotions are taking their sweet time in catching up to where i am. then of course with all the drama that is fresh and new just because we are alive and breathing everyday it can become quite overwhelming.

i look at him at try to value who he was, who he is and who he is becoming. i look at my family and remember the goal to keep us united as one unite. i look at myself and also put value in who i was, who i am now and who i am becoming every day.

the further out i get, the more i desire to not let this define me, him, our marriage, our family unit. that is not to say that is what takes place every day and i obtain that thought process, but it is a goal of mine. one worth working toward.

many thoughts are lifted your way, hope their is much love, happiness and smiles, joy and peace in the seconds, minutes, hours that make up your day.

Thanks BB I just love the way you put things as they really do hit my thinking. I guess I am so confused because I dont know what a good marriage is anymore. When he had the A I was at my best I was the best I had been in years so I am totally dumbfounded as to what more I can do. If my best wasnt good enough to keep me with him in heart and soul and prevent him from an A what chance do I stand. The only guarantee that I have that he will not reoffend is the fact that he totally humiliated himself by choosing who he chose and doing what he did, he lost respect and admiration from everyone and no matter how hard I have tryed to get others to forgive him they still wont ever think of him the same way again. He doesent trust himself to make decisions outside the marriage which is a bonus for me but I do look at him and do feel so sorry for him when I see the mess he got himself into. Thats why I dont tell him about the negative feelings I have been getting I just dont want to hurt him, so I carry on with the SF in the hope that one day it wont be such a struggle. Thats all we can do now Betty is hope for the best as we already know what the worst feels like.

Karm as far as my friend goes I really havent pressured her into any feelings ill talk when she wants to talk I did alot of research from another mum at the school who lost a baby soon after birth and one of my close friends who had a stillbirth and got information as to what they would have liked people to be like around them etc. Although everyone is different so I adapt to what my friend feels like doing if she wants to laugh ill support her if she wants to cry ill be there I have no expectations of her. The school issue was importaint as the teachers were aware she was pregnant and under normal circumstances they would have got the siblings to make a card for the newborn and tell the class about their new baby sibling so in her case it was cruitial to inform the school thats the only thing i have pressured her into.

Dear BH

I was absolutely blindsided as well, thus my name.... I had gone through some very difficult changes several years before the big A. The woman who raised my like her daughter had passed away, soon after my father passed away, my mother became very sick and lived with us for 6 months, my daughter graduated, she is my oldest and it was a wonderful thing, yet still a lose. she went away to school and was not home on a daily basis anymore. i had then started working outside the home for the first time in 18 years and felt like a fish out of water. i was trying to juggle home, work and not let anything suffer.

WH and i have over the years had some major ups and downs, but during all this we worked together as a cohesive unit. he was very supportive of me. i have always been extremely emotional, even though i have learned to handle them better and quiet the drama that has been apart of my life for so long, i was still trying to find my center and he was like a rock for me. So after life seemed to quiet down and we seemed to really be reconnecting it was like someone shoved me up against the wall and held me there while i faught and screamed for breath.

we had had a wonderful christmas in 2008, we had planned and celebrated his parents 50th anniversary in Jan.'09. i had been layed off in december, so i was able to really apply myself to my family and home. now, to be fair, after the anniversary we had planned and celebrated. i seemed to go into somewhat of a fog for atleast a month. not dressing, staying in jammies, just doing the bare necessities,just seeming to get throught the day. in late feb., early march i was called back to work and it seemed to lift me out of my depression.

let me say, never did my WH ever even seem to notice, never said a word to me. i know now that he had noticed and really just turned the other way. that has bothered me in a different way. the affair seems to have started, friendship wise, casually in january and february, seemed to be getting a little too personal and close in march. i actually saw an exchange between the two of them that at the time i didn't think to much about, now it seems so very clear. so, in early april when dd arrived, i was shocked, i was in a great place i thought, myself, my family. i certainly didn't see any warning signs.

looking back, i still cannot completely wrap my head around all of it or the whys of it. i do know this though. i truly believe that it has more to do with him, than me. the place he was in, is in. the way he feels about himself. saying that, yes, it has brought to light as i said before, all of the things that we need to work on, should have been working on. that being said. i do believe him when he says it was and is where his head is. how he feels about himself.

even now, the most hurtful words lately is when we talked about love and him giving love and he looked at me and said i don't even love myself, how can i give you something i don't have for myself. i was hurt and devestated because all along i have been under the illusion that i can fix our marriage, that MB can fix my marriage. that if i do everything i know to do, follow all the rules, follow all the expert advise and opinions our marriage will succeed

when really i am only half the equation. he is the other half. i cannot continue to find my beauty in him, cannot continue to belabor the question How was i not enough? where did i fail. really the question might be more closer to the truth that he feels all of these, and you are not the answer for him to any of those questions.

hope...yes...hope that if we continue to value ourselves, our marriage, our successes and failures we will come to a place of peace. a place of joy, a place where we relish each other in a way that could only have been born through the ashes of pain.

here's to hope......

BB
Its just sad and confusing because I was where you are I wanted to see the love in his eyes and to have him come back from the "I dont love you anymore" but in the process of getting that I feel that I have given up such a powerful part of me. Yes he appears to love me and have the gooey eyes again but at what cost? I had to humiliate compromise my beleives and struggle with just surviving the day in order to get where we are and it just doesent seem all that worth it. What does it matter that he loves me now I know what he is capable of. Why do I have to live with it when he can just get over it? I have lost so much of what I was proud of in myself I feel like a shell.
I dont want another man nor will I ever trust the way I trusted him again, I just want some peace of mind that I only have myself to rely on, that was a harsh lesson I learned in childhood and he was the only person on this planet that I opened up to, Im not normal, I wasnt born naturally trusting, everyone around me who should have cared or loved me has let me down and it took years and years for my trust in mankind to adjust just that little bit in order to allow him in and then its all gone again. Its just too hard. I know this is moronic to say but read SMB thread about her friend not surviving the A and I was actually gelouse, this womans suffering is over she wont have to put up with images, pick up the mess of the aftermath or fight tooth and nail for a man who really showed his unworthyness by betraying her in the first place. Its horrible to feel that way and im not proud that I feel this way. So I went and read all the success stories to try and see if it was worth it but I just dont get what a good marriage is all about?? to me it was about trust and love and the together forever all of wich were taken away from me in one simple act. What do I trust in now??

BH

i hear what you are saying, and yes i feel your pain. Our situations are different but similar in many ways. I to feel like i gave up a big portion of myself, i feel humiliated and even though i too see the I love you in his eyes, it is not the same kind of I love you as before. Yes, it is different, sometimes better, sometimes worse. whereas your WH seems stuck in the past and struggles with getting over what he did and the fall out it has caused, mine seems almost vindicated in what he did because he feels we are better than what we have been in a long time. rather frustrating i must say. he won't go as far as to say this was a good thing and look what it did for our marriage, but i do feel as if he really thinks this to be the truth. If he in fact does, and i let myself really linger on that point of view, i feel that it has taken way to much out of me and truly not worth it at all.

i feel that i should not have to pay a higher cost for the choices he made, and quite frankly sometimes i do. i voiced this to him earlier and he says he doesn't feel this way but by how he responds to me on any given day really speaks a different story. I can appreciate your emotions, and feelings of was the cost to hight? and for who?

i guess, like me, you are the only one that can answer that for yourself, your marriage, your family. as for me, the answer these days is never the same. sometimes the cost is to high, other times i feel as if i could and would do more. my balance for me is trying to merge the good of who i was before the affair, with the good, strength, wisdom, experience of who i am now after the affair.

as far as feeling like a shell of the person i was and am today, yes, i too feel this way. my hope is that those days get fewer and fewer. i have told WH that although he is not ultimatly responsible for my growth in this process, it will depend alot on how he responds to me, how he takes responsibility for what has happened in our marriage. he alone, will be one of the key ingrediants to me becoming healthy in every way again. it is what it is.

one of the very basic truths in the MB program is the simple truth that we should not trust our spouses where the opposite sex is concerned. so although i didn't agree with that early on, i understand it and agree with the concept now. trust is earned, trust is wise, trust is never blind. to trust is to have great courage, trust is also a choice. it will be a very hard trust now, however, with EP put in place, and POJA agreed upon and worked, trust can be earned and given by both of us.

i know some choose to walk away, a choice that has to be just as hard as the choice to stay. each choice comes with its own pros and cons, its own pain and heartache. i don't believe that one choice is easier than the other, better than the other, healthier than the other. i do believe it is just that a choice to be made by the individuals involved in that specific marriage. my choices won't be your choices, my hurts are not your hurts, my victories are not your victories.

maybe the question isn't who do you trust, but instead what do you trust? sift through the concepts that sound reasonable to you, the truths that you as a woman want to live by, you as a mother want to impart, you as a wife want to expect from your husband. take those truths and align them with reasonable expectations from imperfect human beings and them tie them up with the ribbon of love. unconditional love is not a love for simple people. it is a love that says even though conditions are not condusive to the love i want to give you, i give it to you anyway, not because you deserve it, but only because i choose to do it. it is not a love of no expectations. the expectation is that when the love is given, the love will be accepted.

take these truths, concepts, unconditional love and look in the mirror, look into those eyes that look back and know that deep in your heart you are a woman to be valued, a mother to be honored and a wife to be cherished.

Hi BH, I have never posted before but have followed your thread for some time. I have to admit that I have resisted posting because I didn't want to offend you or be taken the wrong way. So, please *hear* the hesitation in my cybervoice.

I know that an affair is very painful and takes much healing, however I feel that you must forgive at some point in order to move on. Many BS on this site have a hard time with this as their spouse is still an active wayward, but yours isn't. I have cringed while reading the deep hatred that you have for this OW. You go into very specific details about why everyone despises her and how she is disgusting, slutty, ugly, fat, etc,etc. I understand your feelings, but you must put it out of your mind and move forward at some point in order to heal. I have also cringed at some of the awkward moments I have read in your posts and some of the very extreme measures (IMO) that you have made H go to in order to express his hatred for this woman. This being from the NC letter, to the email, and especially the recorded visit. I feel that you are valuing your anger too much and will stop and nothing to make H hate other woman and even himself. This isn't healthy! Everyone here posted for you to not go to the Xmas party, even Dr. Harley himself! There were many suggestions of other ways to spend the evening, even if it came down to being at home. However, I must say I knew that you would go no matter what. Even when you said that you wouldn't, I knew because I could feel the need for validation and revenge and DRAMA in your posts. Now, I have said a lot and I want you to know it isn't to hurt you but to help. If you cannot be happy in your marriage, if you cannot forgive - maybe you should move on. I find it very sad that you would live this way and hurt yourself and even your husband and children by living with these deep emotions.

One more thing I did want to question was - Do you ever think H's affair was out of revenge for yours? No matter how minor *you* felt it was, he may feel differently. Perhaps his pain is equal to yours?

I truly hope you can both move forward with love and forgiveness. You have been together a long time and if you go forward, I hope it is in happiness.