On a thread in Recovery Forum, you wrote ...


This is so difficult.
Take care of yourself.

Thank you,Pep. Tough four years.
My dad died 15 years ago. About two weeks before that, I came across my first wife's journal entries describing how she wanted to "stop having sex with strangers".
Within two weeks of my dad's passing, she announced she was heading for Chicago to spend the weekend with a man she met in AA.
You folks may not beleive this about me and it is tough to be objective about oneself. But, I am really easy going and well liked. I love kids and animals. I raised my two boys, one with Down Syndrome and autism by myself for years while my first wife bedded a variety of guys.
I am just so confused as to what I did to wind up with spouses that serially cheat.

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. My dad was in hospice at the end and it is a hard thing to go through. My brother and I though that my mom would go to hospice last month, but she woke up one day that week and went to the cafeteria. She has been fine since. Guess she decided it wasn't time yet.

As for hooking up with people who cheat, well, maybe you are just drawn to the wrong personality type? Maybe you are hooked by "dumbsels in distress?" Who knows?

You sound like a wonderful person who is dedicated to his family. I don't think I deserved what my XWH dished out to me either, but I am looking at myself these days to try to figure it all out.

That is so key, Chai, trying to figure out why one does not see the red flags. In a way, it angers me that I need to become more cynical and less trusting ,as I really enjoyed being open and seeing the best in people. It is sad how this has changed me in that regard.
Glad to hear your Mom is doing better.

So sorry about your mother, Zelmo....and I feel the same about being cynical now and less trusting...I feel that my WH took away a piece of my innocence....or maybe it was just naivete, IDK....but they say ignorance is bliss..I think my naivete was too...I had it for almost 40 years and that part of me is gone forever.

We are all in the same boat here. We are just naturally trusting in our M, and when we get burned it changes us.

We need to learn from it though. It doesn't mean we have to be cynical and less trusting, just more thorough in laying the groundwork for a good relationship.

I agree. Problem is that I was never a "player" and do not understand those who are. I have done a lot of research on this and have some nice, arbitrary guidelines, now.
Any whiff of cheating in somebody;'s past and I will not take a chance. Both XWW's had been OWs before I met them and I simply chalked it up to their youth. That was a mistake.

Bad credit or job history is a big clue, too.

Also, during courtship, there were some weird things, abusive remarks that I chalked up to them having bad days. But, they were remarks that I could not imagine making to anyone.

It all boils down to feelijng good enough about oneself to realize you deserve better.

Bingo. What seems innocent is a big clue. We now have to pay more attention to those things.

Hey Z,

Very sorry to hear about your mother.

You should also feel good about yourself because you help out a lot of people around here. WE benefit as a result of your life experiences. YOU have taken the time to share and THAT helps the rest of us.

Thanks, and hang in there.
TB

Thanks, BT.

Zelmo, thank for your encouraging words to those who post. Take time to mourn this bereavement.

God bless!

I'm sorry to hear about your mom, Zelmo. I'm also glad you are hear to learn, contribute and help others.

I'm very sorry about your mom, Zel.

(((((((Zel))))))))

Thanks to all re the condolences. She is in a better place.
It was disturbing to watch her suffer.
I flew home and got there before she died. My sister explained to her that I wanted to have my younger brother who has Asperger's live with me in Minnesota, as he had lived his entire life with her. This made her happy, I think.
She was super smart.

zelmo sorry to hear about your mother. i have lost both of my parents (both gone by the time i was 35 years old) and i know how hard that can be at times.....

(((((Z))))),

I am sorry for your loss, even if she is better off now. You are a good man...always have thought that. You taking in your brother only exudes my point....

not2fun

Thanks, Not2. Getting my brother out here should be a challenge. He is very into routine and this will scare him. He loves the Rangers and Yankees, so getting him to watch the Twins and Wild may be a battle.
He is 54 and is the most gentle person I know. He buys two pair of jeans and one pair of Converse All Stars a year, like clockkwork.
He just got a new car which he uses only to drive to the flower shop where he works. He gets a new car every 17 years, and his old one usually has about 30,000 miles on it.

Sorry about your mom Z
My father passed away from cancer last year.

My condolences to you and your fam.

Please add me to the condolences list, Zelmo. I lost my dad five years ago and my stepmother a year ago. My biological mother died 30 years ago (jeez, have I gotten so old?)

You were very instrumental in getting me to look at my WW's history and family of origin issues. For that, I am grateful.

Hey Z,

been thinking about you. How are you doin'?

Stay, I am good, thnaks.
Today, I went to look at Condos. I have been sleeping on the couch at my friends condo for over 2 years, now. My credit has been repaired(it was over 800 when I married my BPD/NPDXWW and it took a huge hit from her clandestine purchases((including stealin our kids parochail school tution money to finance her affair)).
Now, it has risen to the point where I can qulaify for a mortgage. I will also get the first time buyer's tax credit ,as I sold the house more than 3 years ago.
I went online and started looking at dog rescue sites. I really want to get a dog for myself and my girls , once I move in.
I found a beautiful condo with 2 bedrooms and a fireplace and 1 and a half baths. It was priced at 116,000 three months ago and has been reduced to 60,000 in a short sale. I can buy it and my monthly mortgage payment will be about $300 at the current interest rates. This is less than I pay my buddy for rent.
My golf game has been really excellent , best in years. I can break par pretty regularly on most courses and I will try to qualify for the US Senior Open this year. If I make the field(you just need one hot round as it is only an 18 hole qualifier and if you get hot, next thing you know, you are teeing it up with Tom Watson and the boys), I will reveal my true identity to you guys and you can watch me embarrass myself, choking like a dog and shooting 85.(Hoysmokes, how's that for a run-on sentence).
I still am sort of weirded out by the fact that my mom is no longer here. But, she suffered with Alzheimers for a long time. She was not herself for a few years.
Anyway, thanks for asking. Life is looking up. I am still trying to decide if I am completely asexual, now. Libido is incredibly low. But, this can be a benefit.

If you want to laugh your tush off every day, think about getting a boxer or a weenie dog. I know weenie dogs aren't very manly (the Wookie won't even walk S'midge cos she's so teeny), but a boxer rescue might be able to hook you up with a real sweetie...and boxers are SO expressive and sweet.

I like daschunds and one would be the pefect size. Boxer would be too big, although they are greaat dogs.
I was actually looking at a Chihuhau rescue site. But, they are pretty fragile.
Maybe a pug.

You do not want a chihuhau. They are hyper and will pee on the spot when excited.

Sorry about your mom.

Z:

Sorry about your mom. Alzhiemers is tough, and then hospice. She was well cared for I hope.

About the golf? well the low libidio is becasue Tiger has sucked it all out of the golf game....

Good luck at QSchool.

LG

my aunty looks after a wire haired dachsund when it's owners go away - he is a fantbulously funny and well behaved thing and lovely colours- quite smart too. We have to stop him from sitting in the beg position though - as he has a disc prone to slipping.
Teasel like

Pleased to hear you have plenty going on. Will look out for the golf

I think you should get a Boston Terrier - they can do the army crawl.....

I'll look into the Boston. We had terriers growing up, as well as big dogs. Thye were good dogs.

Chai, that video is hysterical...

Last year my DS tripped and fell and scraped (a tiny one) his knee...when we went inside cleaned him up, we sat down and he said "Mom can you go get me some water?" . Not wanting to baby him (to be like BIL, long story) I said "you are fine sweetie, you can get it."

He said "Okaaay" then got on the floor and proceeded to do the army crawl....OMG I was laughing soooo haaard that I couldnt even help him...He army crawled back with the water and said with a dead on serious face "what is so funny." .............

The part that really makes me laugh is the doorbell rang after and he ran out to see who it was.... OMG, I am laughing right now thinking about it, sorry but my little guy kills me....I guess he is like my little pet dog, heh? Oh I love that kid.

The thing I really, REALLY love about my 'Midge is that she is SO in to whatever is going on with the family at the moment. The kids are being rowdy? Smidge is right there with everyone playing and jumping. Everyone is quiet, she's on someone's lap to keep them warm.

And she's so smart. By the time she was 9 weeks, she was already fetching for me.

They are great companions.

The only thing we have a prob is with food. Doxies are known to eat until they morph from weenie dogs to sausage dogs. But that's an easy fix.

Hey Zelmo, I'm really sorry about your Mom. It is tough.

I lost my Dad years ago, he was early 50's and it wasn't a peaceful death, much suffering for a couple of years before that.
After about a year, I still struggled with the grieving and since there was a misdiagnosis involved in his illness, there was unresolved anger issues within me.

I finally came to a conclusion that gave me some peace, and I've now adopted this philosophy with losing others, it's this .......
the only way that I would not feel the pain of this loss, is to not have had that person in my life at all.
To not have had my Dad in my life, would be worse than the sorrow I felt.
Hopefully in time, this may be of some help.



Next relationship Zelmo ..... don't settle for less than mutual care.

And finally ......

Got a catchy tune too!

Those aerdales look great.
As far as the grieving vs having someone in your life, that is sort of how I view the infidelity. I am glad my kids are in existence even though being with their mom was so painful.

Yes, my little guy looks just like WH too....but he has a big heart and is constantly makin me laugh, he is a joy...everytime I look at him I would take the pain all over again just to have him....so that is the best way to look at it Z.

Zelmo, I just saw this thread and wanted to thank you for your kind and insightful comments. Having a child with Down syndrome brings people together. Whenever I see someone with DS I always smile because he/she looks so much like my own son.

I hope your thoughts of your mother bring happiness, rather than sadness very soon.

Thank you, Reva. I have met some of the finest people I know who have DS. I am a golf pro, in addition to practicing law, and we have a wonderful program at our course for people with developmental disabilities. We teach a lot of people with DS and, like most of the other folks, they are a joy to work with. Their enthusiasm and genuineness is so endearing.

Z,

You can have mine....I'll even pay for the travel expense.....She's an English Mastiff, approx. 160 lbs. and will LOVE on ya a lot.....whatdaya say????

not2fun

Thanks, throw in a years worth of food and a saddle and you have a deal.
If I had the space, I would love such a dog, actually. Unfortunately, I am looking at 2 bedroom condos with pet size limitations.

When I skated, I remember one lovely young lady with DS was one of my favorites to watch. She put so much joy into her skating and it really showed. She was a very sweet kid, too.

A dog is a great idea, Zelmo. No house is complete without one, IMHO.

pk

I am getting ready to buy some outfits for my dog. I like the French Maid ones, especially.

Er, how about a nice kitty costume for when she wants to be incognito?

pk

dude....where's your manhood???.......

There is nothing funnier than me out walking my dog (remember she is 37 in. at the shoulder and weights 160.....me, I am 5'3" and weight 135) and coming across a male walking some tiny yapper....I even had one guy tell me.."Now, that's just messing with my pride....".......

not2fun

ps...I will gladly throw in the food...no saddle though...oh shoot, I suppose I should be POJA this with H and kiddies before I go putting her out there......

Way OT
Zelmo - you have private messages turned off. Wanted to contact you about golf.

The PM function is not enabled on the MB forums.
Dunno why, but my guess is - Private conversations = opportunities for affairs.

I'm not sure how to go about getting in contact through this site. I have a couple guys that I stay in touch with , but we met on another site which allowed PM's.
I take it from your user name, Man, that we may live in the same area, Minnesota. I teach at Braemar, at the dome in the winter. Look me up there, if you live nearby. I work the front desk on weekends from 3 to close.

I think if two people agree, they can request through the moderators that contact information can be exchanged.

Thx Zelmo
I am actually quite a bit further north. Will look you up if we are golfing in Minn. this summer.
My buddy is a caddy at La Gorce in Miami, Augusta National and Aspen in the summer. Also a great golfer. He is 50. You two might hit it off. If you are ever south and want to play in Miami let me know.

Is anyone giggling when they read "hit it off" in relation to people being introduced over golf?

I'm so punny.

Oh! I just received a Minn. joke in email! May I share?:

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.

When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'

Alright, Man. My roomate is in Naples for 3 months. He is below scratch and may try the monday Qualifier for the Champions Tour Event that is in Naples next week.
I've never played in Miami. Played with a guy a long time ago that went to JC at Miami Dade. His name was Farrel Furst. I loved the alliteration.
Sounds like your friend has a nice life. A lot of guys caddying out there can really play. Folks do not realize that if you are scratch, you are light years away from the way these guys play.
Doral would be nice. Hear it is in a tough neighborhood.
If you get to MN, look me up. For a small, cold state, we have some really good golfers and some excellent courses.