Jon, she did all that over night? What is the waiting period in your state? Secure the deal if you can just in case but continue to Plan A the best you can. You do not have to cooperate with divorce proceedings.

Make your home and family life with your kids a warm and inviting place. She has filed while fogged. This is far from over. Wouldn't 100% of the time with your kids without wondering who else was going to be around them or even living with them be best? Go about your business and let things cool.

God's Blessings,

Say

Alright I will, and yes it's all in writing I thought the same way, get it in writing while she is in the fog she said I treated her to bad before this to ever come back from it (the usual WS script) I will still keep doing Plan A my entire life whether with her or someone else. and I agree saynomore 100% of the time would be best and I will still keep trying until I'm kicked out of the house.
Me and her will be living in the same house for awhile, and were still waiting to see if we have to go to 6 month counseling or not ( I hope we do). We sit up last night talking for 4 hours about her feelings etc... and I know thats breaking the golden rule but I accepted the fact it was over and I kind of just set there while she talked.

She said now and even after the divorce I can stay here in our home and we could take turns sleeping on couch. Would you advise this? See right now we are on very friendly terms and this is good because she doesn't feel intimidated by me, meaning she would sit and watch a movie with me, or stay up late just talking to me etc.... I am now viewed as a "friend" and for the meantime should I just go along with everything she is saying? I still want to save my family but I am coming out of this with a VERY good deal either way. I will remain her "friend" and be there for her and do things with her while I'm in the house.

Hi Jon,

If YOU want to D then it's perfectly OK. You have good reasons to do it: your WW's adultery. So go ahead an do it. But don't try to make it like she's the only one going for D. Because you're playing her game and being cooperative with the break up of your marriage.

Plan A is not being a doormat. If you really want to D then you don't need Plan A. You go to Plan D - end of story. Why would you stay home and be friends? If you're going to D then you might want to start with your new life ASAP.

OTOH, It's good that you got favorable D terms in writing. Did you get a document from her lawyer? Hold on to that because this may be something to leverage in the future.

BUT, if you don't want to D then you should start acting like it. Don't accommodate her wanting to D. Sleep in your bed like married people do. You just avoid conflict about that but be firm. IF you want to have a great marriage then you'd be looking for something more than friendship.

It's the future of your kids that is on the line here so make up your mind and commit to whatever plan YOU want to follow.

--ElCamino72

It's all part of her fantasy. I went on dates with my ex while she packed up the house. She gave me smidgeons of hope to get me to play along and be nice. Once she was out of the house she didn't want to hear from me at all.

What is your custody arrangment exactly?

You have to be very careful on the wording. If it isn't in writing, then it does't exist. If she's promising you that you'll get to see the kids much, then she's lying.

Also, if you're divorced, you're divorced. There's not sleeping under the same roof and being friends. When feelings start to die, you'll have hostility.

Why the heck do you have to take turns sleeping on the couch? It's your house. Even if it isn't, then you need to get your own place.

Sayno, she had already done it and I didn't know. She told me the "proposal" she gave her lawyer, which I am still waiting to see. The thing is she just wants out and doesn't care about any of the stuff, and she is paying me spousal support until I finish school, She also WANTS me to see the kids and the custody arrangement is, Mon-I have kids from 8:00 Am until 12:45 pm in which I then leave for school and won't get back until 10:00 pm. Tue-I have kids from 8:00 AM until 4:30 Pm, Wed I will have the kids all day and Thu I get them from 8:00 am til 12:00 pm, Fri I get them from 8:00 am til 12:00 pm and 6:00 pm til 10:00 pm, Sat I get them from 8:30 til 5:00 and every other Sat I will get them all day, Sun I get them from 8:00 Am until 4:00 PM.
This schedule fits perfectly between my school schedule and her work schedule and I assume she did that because she knows NO ONE else can watch the kids at these times.
I will keep doing plan A while i am here and I will not be Plan Doormat. She knows how I feel about the D and I have made it very clear, but I cannot afford my own lawyer so I am forced to use hers and accept her proposal or get eatin alive. I am getting most the stuff in the house, and she is going to cover my insurance still until I get a job. I will keep sleeping in my bed, until I am forced out.

That's not plan A. You are reacting to her which is not going to help recover your marriage. I think you have misunderstood what plan A means. You don't want to do plan A for the rest of your life or with "someone else" in the future like you've said. Plan A is only a temporary strategy for trying to R a failed M after an A.

If you want to recover your M using plan A, you can listen to her relationship talk if she wants to unload. You just avoid bring it yourself up. As a WW, she's going to say a lot of absurd things and blame you for the failure of your M.

You don't necessarily need to agree, argue or get caught in educating her. You can acknowledge the way she feels right now by saying something like: "I can understand why you'd feel like that" and be there for her. That's what worked the best for me in plan A. Anything else was just like pouring gas in a fire.

So, do you want to recover your M? If yes, then try to go back and read the excellent advice you've gotten and EXECUTE accordingly. MB is the best chance if you want to save your M. There's a fine line between having to deal with D for the rest of your life and recovering into a great M. Your window of opportunity is closing.

What is your goal? If R your M is your goal then you need to get it right.

I did a lot of the same mistakes you're doing and believe me when I say that it cost me a lot of time and frustration. I realized that you can't be working towards D and R your M at the same time. It doesn't make sense and it just doesn't work.

--ElCamino72

I want to recover my M more than anything. What mistakes am I making? I can't force her to stay married if she doesn't want it I can and have showed her what a wonderful family and time we could have together. I was truly there for her last night and did just what you said about just agreeing with her and saying i can understand that. The bottom line is she has filed for D and i can't stop that I just have to see the proposal and either accept it or be forced to accept it.
For as long as I am in this house i will keep doing plan A. After the D I HAVE to see her and I HAVE to talk to her on account of the kids. I am still trying to save the M but she is the one paying for all the bills, my school, spousal support after the D and as i said she told me the exact details of the proposal which i am still waiting to confirm. We have another meeting with her lawyer Fri in which we are going over all the details, I am being FORCED to cooperate because if I don't accept this good proposal she might go back and make a new one that screws me royally.

If you haven't seen it then it could be just a tactic to get you to play nice.


You can sum it to: she wants me to help her in pursuing her A. She is offering me a wonderful D for both of us so that I can be out of the picture to convince OM to go back to her.

Listen, D is not going to be pretty like she's trying to sell you. Open your eyes.


She's heard you about your feelings about D. But your actions speak louder. If you continue to play into her D plans you're just contradicting yourself. You need to walk the walk or she won't respect you. Be consistent with your opinion about D.

You're not forced to do anything. It's too early in the process to know what really is going to happen. You shouldn't panic or act based on her actions. Don't give up if you still want to R your M.


Sleeping in your bed means squat if you hesitate on her D tactics. You don't need to agree to anything if you really don't want to D. Play it smart.

--ElCamino72

That custody arrangement sounds way too complicated. What happens when one of your schedules changes? Would you have to go back to the court to change those times? Be sure to talk to your own D lawyer before agreeing to anything.

Everytime I say "I am not going through with the divorce and I will not be civil and cooperate" she says "So your going to try and force me to be married to you and be miserable"? I said "I have learned not to be the source of your misery but the source of your happiness" She knows I have changed and told me so herself. I did argue for a little while last night, but I didn't use any LB's. I told her SHE is the one detroying the family and I am the one trying to save it. like i said there was alot said in the 4 hours we talked but today she has been laughing with me and playing with the kids like nothing is even going on.

You need to show her for a consistent period what a wonderful family she can have. You've been in plan A for too short. Additionlly, while she's in withdrawal, she won't let you deposit Love Units in her Love Bank. Right now, she's an addict in need of a fix. She will do crazy things. Don't entertain her impulses while she's in withdrawal. Ride it out.

I may not understanding you here, but it sounds like you are taking the D as a given. If you play it right, it may not finalize. Remember that failure is just one step ahead of hopelessness.

I not saying that you be a fool. If she keeps bringing the issue, tell her to give you a copy of the terms. At that point you may stall the process. It'd still be a good idea to get a lawyer. Beg, borrow or steal to pay for a consultation based on the copy of the proposal. You said that you have $3K for school. You may hold on to that money. A mishandled D can cost you a lot in the long run.

You can't be forced to cooperate. Don't get scared by these cheap tactics. You need to cover yourself but don't fall for the first bait she puts in front of you.

Now, have you tried to get a free legal consultation? If not, then go ahead and do that right now.

--ElCamino72

You may want to rephrase that. I think it may be too confrontational at this stage. Don't reveal your strategy. Just say "I don't talk about D. Boy, I'm thirsty. Do you want me to bring you something to drink?"

That's great! Keep that up.

--ElCamino72

I know my wife, and I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt or jeopordize our kids future (other than ruining our marriage) The thing is I DO accept the proposal if it comes down to it, but I don't accept the divorce. I don't want to try and FORCE her to love me which is the way she sees it, or I don't want to FORCE her to stay married to me.
This is still a tough decision even for me right now, and if not for my kids and the love me and my WS used to have i wouldn't even try. I am going to get a free consultation today, I had already planned for that.
I am very good at detecting lies (thats how i caught her to begin with) and I know she is not lying about the details of the proposal. She just WANTS OUT and is willing to lose everything to make it happen, she is at the height of her fog right now because the A is over. She still thinks like you said that by her becoming single him and her could be together, she even told me this last night. I am at my breaking point, this is ripping me apart.
I will be firm and consistant in letting her know i do not want nor agree to the divorce, and I can fight it. in my state the law says that in order for grounds of divorce both parties have to agree on ireconcilable differences, if one party doesn't agree then they can't accept it, though I'm sure her lawyer could find a way.
I have an apt for tomorrow for the free consultation. So heres my question, if the proposal is as perfect as she says it is, then should I accept it? Should I just continue with plan A while i am here and until the divorce is final?

Jon,

This is an absolutely horrendous parenting schedule they gave you. It looks like your WW's offer is an offer to keep JonPen as a handy baby sitter for her. Plus, IT IS LESS THAN WHAT YOU WOULD GET IF YOU SHOWED UP TO COURT. In custody, OVERNIGHTS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT COUNTS. The courts don't look at it as Jon had the kids from 8am -12pm. THey will look at it as daycare.

Your school schedule doesn't work? Well, change it. There is nothing that states that you should agree to anthing less than 50/50 shared custody. She and her lawyer will try to tell you that the dad never gets the kids, yada, yada, yada. All it is are tactics to get you to FALL ON YOUR SWORD and become EVERY OTHER WEEKEND DAD.

Looking at what they proposed, here's what I would do:

Tuesday over night - Kids are with Jonpen
Wednesday over night - kids with Jonpen
Friday over night - kids with Jonpen
Every other Saturday night, with Jonpen

In a two week schedule, this comes out to 4 overnights in one week, and 3 overnights in the other thus, it is 50/50. The BS about you keeping the kids until 5pm on Saturday then you have the kids at 8am on Sunday is absolute BS and is just her attorney trying to SLIP ONE BY YOU. HER ATTORNEY IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

Agreed.

FWIW, if she's the sole wage earner in the family, you may be able to get another lawyer and have her pay the expenses - the "legal eagles" on this forum may be able to chime in with further information here.

STOP reacting to her.
Focus on yourself. Eliminate love busters and meet her top ENs.
Don't talk relationship talk.

Don't agree to swap bed and couch, or sleeping here and there, or any of that nonsense. You belong in the marital home in YOUR bedroom.

Quit helping her plan her divorce. Just STOP the relationship talk. You're enabling her wayward thinking. STOP IT.

When she brings up divorce, just say "I'm not interested in talking about a divorce. I'm getting some lemonade, would you like some?"

Why are you bothering with this? Stop the relationship talk.

Quit trying to educate her. That's a DJ and a SD. Read up on them.

Why would you support her wayward tendencies? Would you just quit it with this nonsense?

Read your posts from the weekend. They are all reacting to her. They are all about her plans for divorce. They are all about talking about the relationship.

Where do you talk about meeting her top ENs?
Where do you talk about catching yourself in a LB and rephrasing what you said, or changing your behavior?

You're focusing on the wrong things. You need to be acting, but you are reacting.

I try to say it over and over I am not interested in divorce, I will not discuss it, etc.... then she knows how to pry me open and get me to talk, she is a professional at it. She knows I love her and she knows when I see her upset now i will want to be there for her, so she uses this to manipulate me. She is in her room crying as we speak, she sits in there and cries all day at work and cries in the shower etc... ALL DAY. The only time she stops is when she is in front of the kids. I will still keep trying to go 1 day at a time and no more D talk or relationship talk.

JP- Turtle gave you some really good advice on re-focusing. Don't let her "manipulate" you. This is the old M you had and you are trying to show a new one. You need to figure out how to meet her EN's and DO THEM. I know that this seems like a lot and it sure is. A lot has changed in the few days since you found MB. It is a lot to grasp and you will make mistakes. Listen to what people are telling you on here. Bs's have a fog of their own when they get here. Sometimes we need some 2x4's beaten over our heads to get us to think about things.

I was talking to the school counselor at my kid's school today and he said, "Sometimes there are things that counselors say that you may not agree with, but you need to hear it. It is what is best for you and what is in your best interest. If you choose to act on it, is up to you since it is your life." That is also what I think about the people here too.

Maybe you should re-read your thread from the beginning and see what has happened in a short time. Stick to your Plan and listen to the vets, they know what they are talking about.