To get you focused on you and your actions.

What LBs were/are you guilty of?
What were/are you doing to help yourself recognize them and eliminate them?
How's that going?

Let me understand this completley.

A police officer came to your house, and you signed for the divorce papers?
This is called being served.
If this did not happen, there is no divorce.

Thats withdrawal.
As long as you can keep her away from OM, it will slowly go away.

Jonpen,

Boy, alot has happened over the weekend.

""She is in her room crying as we speak, she sits in there and cries all day at work and cries in the shower""

I would cry all the time too if I screwed up my life this bad and committed adultry with a man that no longer wants me, and CAN'T SEEM TO GET MY WAY!! Poor little me!!

There is a plan, like a 180 plan A, where you become indifferent to her. You acknowledge her presence, greet her with a nod, then go about your biz. Treat her with respect, but when discussion leans toward relationship, marriage, and divorce, you yawn, smile and leave the room.

Focus on the kids. Sleep in your bed, live in your house. Do your own thing, with the kids and on your own. If she wants to join in, that's fine.

She is still in big time withdrawal, and trying to deal with her humiliation and the realization of what she has done.

And about that laptop, GET SOME SPYWARE ON THAT BAD BOY!! Seriously. As long as you want the marriage to continue, snooping must stay a priority.

imho

kirk

Ok, i was guilty of mostly all LB's which now I am working hard on not doing. I did the angry outburst before, and now I listen very closely and react and respond to what she says. She knows I am there for her more now that I ever have been.
Used to when she would come to me to vent or with problems I would say things like "you shouldn't feel that way, or your doing something wrong" etc... Now I say things like "I truly understand how you would feel that way" and instead of giving advice or critisizing like I did in the passed I now put myself in her shoes to better see it through her eyes and I am honestly listening to her now. I will admit I'm still guilty of trying to "educate" her on certain things when we talk and thats a hard one to get passed.
She gets VERY VERY mad when it comes to me not wanting to cooperate or be civil during the divorce, I remain calm and try to change the subject. Last night she was yelling louder and more angry then I have ever seen her, but I stayed calm and did not raise my voice at all. She now sees me as a "friend" living in the same house with her, I don't know if this is good or bad? We do still play with the kids and joke around together, I help her with her new laptop alot which she said "I don't want you to think I am using you for your help, even though I appreciate your help no matter what you do the divorce is still happening" but then 5 mins later we'll be playing a game on her computer laughing and talking having a great time. I had her almost in tears she was laughing so hard today.

She also told me last night that 1 reason she could never love me the same is because "I could never live down what I done to you" Also I will admit that I was guilty of all LB's on almost a daily basis for a long time, thats the other reason she uses that she could never love me the same.
she said "you broke me down to a point beyond repair, I can NEVER come back from that" which again I admit I did that, but it doesn't justify what she has done and I am no longer doing the massive LB's like I did in the passed.

Dude, you are doing a GREAT job of identifying your LBs and getting rid of them. She has got to be noticing.

I will tell you, when a BS has been guilty of a lot of LBs as you were, when they change the WS notices but they are distrustful. They think the changes are temporary, and a trap to trick them into staying in the M. They fear that soon the BS will go back to their old behavior and the WS will be stuck in a miserable marriage. This is, IMO, reasonable and based on a long history. The only cure is for you to be ever vigilant, keep practicing identifying and eliminating your LBs, and let the passing of time (and your consistent actions, NOT your words!) convince your WW that your changes are sincere and permanent.

How do you know this?

That's because she's still foggy and hasn't come to her senses yet. She is in "cake eating" mode and she wants to be the center of her own universe, and she wants life to be fun and for everyone to kowtow and do her bidding. When you don't, she throws a temper tantrum. Ignore it, it will pass. Try not to laugh at her two-year-old antics.

It's neither, because you are focusing on YOU, remember? You're not focused on her, nor are you reacting to her words (meaningless).

What are her top ENs?
You are doing a lot of Recreational Activity and Family Commitment. I wonder if those are high on her list or if you need to be putting your efforts somewhere more productive. What do you think?

???????????????????

Well I know her top EN is conversation, someone to just talk to her and be there for her, thats what the OM gave her I didn't. I try to be there for her and we do talk but at this moment the only problems she has are with me so I can't exactly comfort her or be there fore her when in her eyes I am the problem. So now she goes to her friends when she needs to talk. We talk more now though just about everyday things then we ever have. I am there for her when she tells me about her feelings, but I try not to engage in relationship talk or D talk.

Last night again I admit I messed up, we talked for 4 hours. at first I was doing the usual "I don't want to discuss divorce" etc.. but she broke me down after an hour of constant digging and I discussed it with her. I let her know firmly my opinion of it, but that doesn't matter.
I realize that in here eyes I am the true source of her unhappiness and until the fog lifts I will remain so, I cannot deposit any love units while she is in withdrawal because she isn't willing to open up to me, right now she is probably forcing herself not to care for me, because as much fun as we have had lately (besides the D and relationship talk) I know she is having fun.
Also domestic help is another big EN of hers and I have been wearing that one out for about a month now, I do the dishes everyday, I do the laundry, fold and put away the laundry, take out the trash when needed, feed dog, clean bathrooms etc.. I LITERALLY do ALL the house work.
She has never done ANY housework even in the passed so our house always stayed a mess, now it stays very clean, and I know she notices that because she has thanked me for it many times.
It makes things much harder for me because NONE of my EN's are being met, thats why it would be so easy for me to give up.

and Gack1 this has not happened yet, she told me she filed, and that Friday we are discussing the proposal with her Lawyer. i am going to get a copy of the proposal and take it to my lawyer.

You have not been served, there is no D-yet.

Stall!!

I would not talk to her lawyer at all!
Thats what your lawyer is for, and you will need one.

If you really want to save this M the thing you need most is NC for WW/OM and time for her head to clear. No need to rush, take things slow.

ok, I know for 100% sure she has had NC with OM. I was in contact with OMS and she said they are working out the marriage for thier kids. I told her my wife still loved him to be careful and she said "my husband said there was no feelings involved for him that it was just physical" They are kind of wierd (his wife probably didn't care that much that he did it) they are into witchcraft and stuff so they really don't have the same morals or feel the same kind of pain that others do.
I came from a christian family and I still have those beliefs so thats why this is so hard.

Agree with Gack1.

She may not have even filed. If she had filed, you'd be served. There'd be no need to discuss a "proposal" with her lawyer.

Tell her you're not interested in D and if she insists on pursuing it, her lawyer can talk to your lawyer. You only talk M. Then change the subject.

Don't make this easy on her. Make her do all the legwork. Also, depending on what state you're in, you may be able to make her pay for your legal fees since she had the affair. Talk to your lawyer about this.

Gack's right -- stall, stall, stall.

Even if you do get served, do not despair. Your lawyer can drag this waaaayy out. There have been marriages here that had the D called off three days before it was finalized and they went on to a good recovery. There have been some that D'd and then recovered.

Let your lawyer handle her D-talk. You keep up with your Plan A.

Also my wife has told me she accepts that it's over and her heart breaks for him everyday. She said if she could take it back she would blah blah and that she hates she almost ruined his family. I do truly believe at this point she won't try to contact him or he won't be contacting her, I could be wrong but I sense and really feel as if it's over between them. I have still taken all the normal precautions for spying and nothing has came up.

Guys I don't have a lwayer, nor can I afford one. I will do free consultation. How can I prove she had an affair? I can't use my evidence because in my state it's not exactly legal. She can't afford my legal fee's, her family is paying for hers. I don't want a WAR, even though it may turn out to be one. . . . I will hope for the best and prepare for the worst. These are my options i can either share her lawyer and get a really good proposal I like and go from there or, get served with papers and be forced to accept whatever proposal she comes up with. Right now while she is in the fog so heavy she is willing to give me about anything I want, once she comes out of the fog I may not get anything. I have $0.00 I CANNOT afford a lawyer.

Her heart should be breaking for her own family that SHE is dismembering. Good grief. Sometimes the WS babble can be too much.

Good Grief - 2X4 upside your head-stay away from her lawyer without counsel of your own. Why are you going to agree with your enemies.

Listen to PSUBiker - you are being manipulated by the enemy. Overnights are the key to custody.





So you are willing to be the participant of your family's demise? I guess I dont understand it. I would find someway to get legal assistance. Half the family assets belong to you - time to use some leverage - get some $$ from the house. If you go to college - seek legal assistance from the school resources. Get a free consultation before the proposal and also after - DO NOT sign up for it under the pressure of her and Atty. This is evil.

Most lawyers will do an initial consultation for free. Lay all the cards on the table - your evidence, the illegality of it, and the fact that you cannot afford a lawyer so would be suing her for legal fees. See what the lawyer says. I'd do at least three consultations with the meanest lawyers you can find.

She can't afford it either? waaaah, poor baby. She shouldn't be filing then.

I know you don't agree but I am not going to sue her for legal fee's this only hurts my kids. She is the one destroying the family not me, and by sueing her that would be taking $$ away from the kids, don't get me wrong I'm not defending her by any means but I also have to keep the kids interest in mind, right now those interest are saving this marriage. I will keep you informed and I will see her proposal on Fri then take that proposal to another lawyer. i will be doing plan A like always,

You need to read No More Mr Nice Guy - the BH fog is thick here

here is the deal - you say you all will live together in same house for several months after the D. So how is that going to work when dates and wants to bring her new beau home.

Waywards are selfish - she wants to spend family assets to have yyou removed from your family but you will not use the assets to protect your family. Sorry not understanding your logic.

I don't think you understand.

You cant "NOT" afford a lawyer.
Man up and either barrow the money, sell something, or start delivering pizza's!

DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING FROM WW ATTORNEY WITHOUT SHOWING IT TO YOUR LAWYER FIRST!!!


DO
YOU
UNDERSTAND???

And until you are served, there is no divorce.
Do not agree to anything, do not see her lawyer.

If you do, you will wish you had not later.
(If the divorce finalizes)