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Well tonight has been quite eventful....
WW came over after work and tells me that she broke it off with OM, and wants to work on our marriage, but isn't ready to move back into the house. Good I guess, but I'm not sure I trust her. This would be the fourth time she's said this.
Then OM's parents called me and oh are they pissed. Mom even called the police apparently. Don't think the police can do anything they're both over the age of 18. But Dad was furious and said they were going to be talking to OM and then Mom said after they read him the riot act, she was going to call WW.
Acording to Mom, WW had sent her an e-mail and Mom had responded to her telling her that she disaproved of the relationship.
So I dunno, do I tell WW that Mom and Dad called me? She was here when they called the first couple times, I just didn't answer the phone, cause I didn't recognize the number. And I was expecting a call from one of our out of state ministers to discuss this with him and I didn't want to discuss with WW around. She saw the number, so I'm assuming when Mom calls her tomorrow she'll put 2 and 2 together.
D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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Well, you aren't going to lie about the phone call. If she asks you about it, you will state that yes OM's Mom called you but you don't have to discuss what she said. I am glad that they are going to be allies in fighting your WW's A.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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WW came over after work and tells me that she broke it off with OM, and wants to work on our marriage, but isn't ready to move back into the house. Good I guess, but I'm not sure I trust her. This would be the fourth time she's said this. Don't trust her word. Follow Dr. Harley's advice for how to end an affair appropriately. There are three parts to the way affairs should end. The first part is revealing the affair to one's spouse, the second part is never seeing or communicating with the lover again, and the third part is getting through symptoms of withdrawal after a permanent separation takes place. ...
I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding? ...
How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
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Hmmmm....So WW asked me out for a date tomorrow.....
D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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Posts: 192
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OK.... So WW has now broken off with OM and wants to work on marriage. She doesn't want to move back in yet. She still has trust issues with me. Not sure why she has trust issues, but ok. I do know she's having a hard time getting over the pain that I've caused her over the last year with the words I said and some of my actions. So how do I get her to trust me again and to believe that the changes I'm making to myself are permanent changes to better our marriage? How can I help her get over her anger/trust/pain issues?
I know I still have trust issues with her. I know I can work those issues. So how can I help her?
Thanks...
D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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Simple just plan A WW.
And
Monitor for NC.
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Tresmal, have you read the book, "Surviving An Affair?" The plan for recovery is in there. You might suggest to your WW that the two of you read it together (you don't have to be living together again yet). Chapter 6 is called "Preparing for Marital Recovery." It addresses getting through withdrawal and introduces the Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery. Those rules are - The Rule of Protection
- The Rule of Care
- The Rule of Time
- The Rule of Honesty
I strongly urge you to study and learn these rules, as they are your guideposts. Without them, you are working Plan T(resmal), and you know how that's turned out...
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Tresmal, have you read the book, "Surviving An Affair?" The plan for recovery is in there. You might suggest to your WW that the two of you read it together (you don't have to be living together again yet). Chapter 6 is called "Preparing for Marital Recovery." It addresses getting through withdrawal and introduces the Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery. Those rules are - The Rule of Protection
- The Rule of Care
- The Rule of Time
- The Rule of Honesty
I strongly urge you to study and learn these rules, as they are your guideposts. Without them, you are working Plan T(resmal), and you know how that's turned out... Haven't ready SAA yet, still working on HNHN.
D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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Well she's pissed at me now, 'cause OM broke no contact today and told her that I contacted his parents. Just when things were starting to look up.
What do I do now?
D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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Posts: 192
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I feel like I've ruined any chance of reconciling my marriage. She won't talk to me right now. Doesn't answer texts or phone calls.
We have an appointment with MC, but I don't know if she's going to show up.
I'm so lost right now, I hurt so much. I don't know how much more I can take.
D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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She can be as self-righteous as she wants, but in the end she has no one to blame but herself. You did nothing wrong. You are fighting for your M and she is fighting for a return to the way things were, where she had a H and a BF.
My thought is her anger is less about what you did and more about an excuse for her to continue her R with the OM. They have probably worked out a way to sneak their contact from you and the parents and her anger at you is to get you to second guess yourself regarding contacting the parents again.
My suggestion, contact the parents again and let them know the OM contacted your W. Let the A partners know you will NOT bend to their anger, you will be inflexible about exposure and EVERY time you learn of contact between OM and WW you will be calling his parents.
This is a common manipulative ploy for her to get what she wants by threatening 'it's over'. Yea, sure it is, and her snogging a boy has nothing to do with this?
Keep up the good work...Her A cannot stand light shed on it, it is a shameful relationship and will not survive exposure...so you know what you have to do...
EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE!
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!
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She can be as self-righteous as she wants, but in the end she has no one to blame but herself. You did nothing wrong. You are fighting for your M and she is fighting for a return to the way things were, where she had a H and a BF.
My thought is her anger is less about what you did and more about an excuse for her to continue her R with the OM. They have probably worked out a way to sneak their contact from you and the parents and her anger at you is to get you to second guess yourself regarding contacting the parents again.
My suggestion, contact the parents again and let them know the OM contacted your W. Let the A partners know you will NOT bend to their anger, you will be inflexible about exposure and EVERY time you learn of contact between OM and WW you will be calling his parents.
This is a common manipulative ploy for her to get what she wants by threatening 'it's over'. Yea, sure it is, and her snogging a boy has nothing to do with this?
Keep up the good work...Her A cannot stand light shed on it, it is a shameful relationship and will not survive exposure...so you know what you have to do...
EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE! Thanks I needed that. I talked to my brother-in-law, who was also involved in a affair recently and is trying to rebuild his marriage. He basically said the same thing, "You were well within your rights. She forgets she was one who was doing the wrong here. I know, I just had to realize the same for me."
D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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Posts: 5,860
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Tell WW she had the affair.
You only told the truth.
By the way normal WW rage after exposure. It passes quickly. Just idle threats.
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Get some popcorn and sit back and watch WW pitch a hissy-fit.
She's mad because she is still in llluuuuv with OM and you've taken steps to burst her fantasy bubble.
If she asks "How could you?" or similar questions, tell her "I love you and I'll do whatever it takes to protect our marriage."
If she says she's going to file for divorce, or that she WAS going to leave OM but you've pushed her into his arms, or that she can never trust you again after this (my personal fave, by the way) just pat yourself on the back that your exposure is working. Just let her rave. When she calms down, ask her if she'd like some lemonade, or ice cream, or to check out the art show that opened on Tuesday. In other words, ignore her ranting and change the subject. Stick to your Plan A.
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She's mad because she is still in llluuuuv with OM and you've taken steps to burst her fantasy bubble. Yup, that's basically the one she threw at me. Though she had all ready told me she was ending on Friday by the time she found out. Went to the MC today, and she threw a fit again, saying I had no right to involve his parents, its one thing to call him but not his parents. I told her I'm her husband and I have every right, I have an obligation to protect my marriage and break up this affair. I asked how she ended it and she said that she told him they couldn't talk anymore. But that he wasn't going to stop trying. She did make a verbal contract with the MC to not communicate with him for 1 month. I tried to get her to write the NC letter, I printed out a copy of what it should entail and read it to both her and the MC. She said she couldn't write that letter. MC wants us to make a list of all the things we are going to do to try and work on our marriage. She had us make a verbal list, WW's was quite short like she thinks she's perfect all she really had to say was that she was to try being open and honest with and talk to me about her feelings. My list was quite a bit longer, though I've been thinking about just that for a while now. MC also wants us to make a list of things we "dislike" about our spouse. Still going to the New Begininngs workshop in February though. So we'll see what happens.
Last edited by Tresmal; 01/26/10 03:30 PM.
D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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She's still in the Fog....
Though, alot of friends at church are working on her so to speak. She's been out to dinner with two of our priests wives 3 times in the last week and a half. In our church the priest's wife is an extension of the priest. A priest in our church must be married before they can be ordained, and the decision to accept the ordainment is by agreement of both husband and wife because the wife is to act as an a partner with the priest.
I dunno, if it will help. She did say she felt like the ministers and people at church were ganging up on her. So I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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Posts: 192
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Weird....
Yesterday I spent most of the morning severely depressed and crying about this whole thing. I've done a lot of crying over the past weeks, which is abnormal for me. I typically don't cry.
Anyway, today I'm actually in a somewhat decent mood. Not sure why, but I haven't been sad all day. Is this normal? Has anyone else gone from one day being totally miserable and the next day be perfectly normal (well as normal as it can be, wife is still in the hotel)? It's almost as if the emotional baggage has just disappeared overnight.
D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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Posts: 200
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Oh yes, perfectly normal. The emotional baggage will be back soon.
Make the most of your light mood. Over time the lighter moods will become longer than the darker ones and you will be able to see things a lot clearer.
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I told her I'm her husband and I have every right, I have an obligation to protect my marriage and break up this affair.  I wouldn't get my hopes too high that MC will have much effect while she's still actively wayward (in thinking if not in deed). It will be interesting when those lists come out. Basically they sound almost like an EN/LB questionnaire (things you "dislike" about your spouse), and a list about how you will implement Plan A (allthe things you are going to do to work on the M).
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I wouldn't get my hopes too high that MC will have much effect while she's still actively wayward (in thinking if not in deed). Oh, I'm not getting my hopes up, she's said that she wouldn't talk to him/ended it way too many times. I just don't trust her when she says it any more. She told him that they couldn't talk anymore, but that he wasn't going to stop trying. So, she's gonna get mad at me about something and she'll go right back to talking to him. She's just going to hide it better. I all ready know that she was having him call the hotel phone instead of her cell and that they talk on the computer too. Neither of which I can track....Though I do have key to the hotel room.  It will be interesting when those lists come out. Basically they sound almost like an EN/LB questionnaire (things you "dislike" about your spouse), and a list about how you will implement Plan A (allthe things you are going to do to work on the M). I was thinking the same thing. As for the list of things we're going to work on, we're supposed to give our list to the other and have them rank them in order of what is most important for them.
D - Day: 11/7/2009
Ended it with OM: 11/7/2009
Broke NC: 11/9/2009
D - Day 2: ~ 12/10/2009
Started Plan A: 1/8/2010
Found MB: 1/13/2010
Ended it with OM: 1/22/2010 ???
Filed for Divorce: 4/9/2010
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